Ungrateful Teen!

How old is he? Old enough to get a job? If so, he needs one. Does he have household responsibilities, chores ad such? He needs to be doing those as well.

He needs is backpack.Taking away everything can seriously backfire, not wise to do. It can even cause depression as well will feel unvalued, or make it worse if he already has it. Allow him to gain rewards and catch him doing good behavior. Focus more on harboring positive things he does and get back to the basics and work on the relationship. Also, why does he have his phone at school anyways? I would take testing off the phone.

Forget about the stuff, forget about the leverage, forget about whether or not he appears to be grateful. This is not what this is about -- he sounds lost and small -- shrugging his shoulders and saying he doesn't care is NOT about being grateful-- sounds deeper to me. I would reflect long and hard about the state of your relationship, can he talk to you, do you really know what's going on in his life, how he feels about things, where he's headed? If not, find a book like "How to talk so your teen will listen and listen so your teen will talk." Then sit down with him, ask questions and listen, and start talking so he will be responsible for his own things and make solid choices. Just taking away things and punishing him, you're missing a golden opportunity to build both your relationship and his critical thinking. He needs it.

We ran into this with our son. I told him that my responsibility was food, clothing and shelter. That was it. I would fix him food, if he wanted it fine if not fine. I would buy him clothing at Goodwill. Doesn't say I have to buy expensive jeans and shoes. I would give him a bed but he was responsible for the care of the sheets and such. I wasn't rude or nasty to him. I was respectful to him. He would ask if some clothes where clean and I told him that it wasn't part of my job. My job was to have the clothes it doesn't say I have to clean them. This lasted a couple of weeks. He hated it. He said he wanted to be part of the family. :)

Texting - worst invention ever! Our son was a big texter and I told him that if he grades didn't improve that texting would be cancelled on his phone. He was like if you cancel mine you have to cancel Shannon's (his sister). I told him nope I sure don't. I told him "She is making her grades you my darling son are not." He knew our threats were serious because he would slam in bedroom door and I told him if he did it one more time the door goes. He slammed it the door came down! His grades improved. Consistency is the name of the game and we had to be with our son all the time. He would test everything. He was exhausting!

I will say that he is now 19 graduated from high school, just finished boot camp and will start university in January. They do grow up!!! :)

maybe he was given too much & it brought him to this point. :) By taking away all of his things, it's almost like trying to harness the horse after he's left the gate!

I get the phone, the electronics....those are privileges. What I don't get is the jeans, the shoes, the backpack. He didn't force you to buy these brands of essentials for him.....you're the parent, you made the choice to purchase these status symbols. In other words, you've created the monster & are now trying to disassemble him....& it's a hard process!

My sons know that my budget for tennies is $50 & I applaud them if they find a pair that's cheaper.

They both have game systems, but were required to pitch in on the expense. Both worked towards their goals & appreciated the life lesson. They have "ownership" of their stuff, because of this. They're both diligent at cashing in old games to help pay for new games. They know the value of a dollar & work for it. That's a very important life lesson!

Find a way to pull this together for your son. Find a way to change the life processes in your family/home....& maybe you'll end up with a better-behaved teenager. Work with the school counselor at finding viable solutions.....& get him working somewhere! I truly wish you Peace. I know 1sthand at how horrible the teen years can go....

First I would remove the texting option on the phone. It's not a necessity. That will solve the texting during school time. If he still continues to disrespect you then, I would remove everything from his room. Leave only the necessities. He will then have to earn everything back. These luxuries are privileges not rights and that's what a lot of teenagers don't understand. They have this sense of entitlement. I know my teenage dtr did. She is now 20 and living on her own with a whole new respect for me and all that I had done for her while she was growing up. Unfortunately, sometimes they don't realize this until they are out of the house. Teenagers are naturally narcissistic. Very self-centered. Time for some tough love. It's not easy being a parent of a teen. I have said time and time again, that I would rather take care of 10 little ones instead of one teenager. Good luck!

LoveandLogic.com

check out their books or CD's on teen issues. Very helpful.

Tough situation mom. You know there's a problem and are trying to correct it. That's a good start. I don't have the answers, but I'm sure he cares more than he is letting on. I think taking his stuff will help ultimately. I would also try to get him talking. Not some big serious sit down summit, but a more causal environment that will help him to connect with you. Take him for a long drive if he's the type that opens up in the car. Or join him in an activity, like playing a video game. Get those lines of communication open. Then you can tell him how his actions make you feel unapreciated and all the scrifices you make for him. And he can tell you what he's going through.

My son was like this too and he did choose Jordans for bday/xmas gifts so he has nice shoes from gifts. When he wanted another pair I had him pay for them with his money from his job. I tried to take the phone and it backfired. He moved out. Now he is forced to have a job and took one he hates to get his dad off his back according to him. They make him pay for his gym membership himself(I used to) and he has to find rides to town to see his friends most of the time. He is still kind of ungrateful about some things yet I think he is also seeing what I did for him. He may be pretending like things are going better for him but I hear otherwise through friends. I think after awhile they don't care if their stuff is taken away becaus they are feeling so miserable anyways. This could lead to more serious things. I would take the phone away first. He lied to you. I wouldn't just cut off the texting. He lied to you. If he needs the phone to contact you then just cut off the texting. Actually I just had an idea. Cut off the texting and make him get a job and tell him he has to pay to have texting but then he would still use it during school and think he can since he's paying for it. Hmmmm. My childs school is letting them use electronics during passing periods this year. I think it is a very bad idea. The school is so big they dont even have time to go to their lockers let alone check their phones or not watch where they are walking. That takes away some control from the parents when the school allows it. I know lots of parents that don't want their kids texting during school hours. Hopefully he's just on the phone during lunch and study hall. I don't think a teacher would allow it unless he hides it. I would just take the phone away for lying.Obviously he cherishes it. Good luck mom.

Good for you T.. Lots of great advice already....just wanted to say I think you are handling this all to common problem well and am glad you posted your vent and problem solving here. BTW, what are $200 Jordans?

Hang in there!!

Uh what's going on??? sounds like he's indulged quite a bit. Is there something going on an underlying issue? When did this ungrateful business start? I certainly would back off buying the expensive stuff. How did he feel when you made him walk to school and took all of his stuff away? I think you need to go back to basics about what the expecations are in your household and then follow through.

I had to get my daughter's attention when she was a teenager. Sweet girl away from home, but she reserved all of her strong will for us at home. It was exhausting and I just couldn't take it anymore.

While she was at school, I packed up her whole room (except for clothes) and put the stuff in large trash bags. She was really into decorating her room and had cute bedding, etc. I took everything off the walls, replaced her bedding with old off-white, dated stuff, took her stereo, CD player, etc. (that was all the electronic stuff she had at the time). Her phone was also taken from her. She needed to learn that nothing really belonged to her as we were supporting her.

I told her very calmly when I picked her up that afternoon that she wasn't going to like what she saw when she got home. But if she raised her voice, slammed a door, etc., it would get worse. I just simply told her that she had not been acting appropriately and she was going to have to earn everything back over weeks of time.

She was shocked but calmly asked where everything was. I told her where and that I left her clothes. If she accepted things as they were, responded politely, etc. then I would leave her clothes. Otherwise I would leave only white t-shirts and plain jeans for her to wear everyday.

Life changed drastically for the better from that day on. She had small outbursts from time to time but they were few and far between. She had learned to control herself and speak calmly and politely when she disagreed with something. To this day, years and years later, she will tell you it was the best thing we ever did to get her attention.

Keep your son's things for several weeks, not days and let him earn back the stuff. He probably has a lot of endurance if he is a strong-willed child.

Way to go in checking his phone. As a teacher, I was so sick of kids sleepy in class because they were texting all night... Parents need to wake up! If everyone in their class has a phone, then they really don't need one. They could borrow one in an emergency. Just get the numbers of their friends so when they go hang out (if not grounded), you can get a hold of them.

A great deal of the responses you have received here are "Love and Logic"-type suggestions. So I second the recommendation for getting your hands on some of their materials. A great place to start would be the book, "Parenting With Love and Logic". The whole idea is to teach you how to teach your son to be RESPONSIBLE. Pick it up... you will be SO glad you did!

Maybe y'all could volunteer at a homeless shelter...

tough love and keep standing your ground like your doing. He will either be in a room filled with nothing, not able to leave the house and only being able to stare at that empty room until 18 or after staring at it long enough he will come around.

Keep doing what your doing! Good luck, if he is anything like my 15 yr old it can take months!! But after his dose of reality it sunk in and things are better.

As long as you're paying for the phone, you have the right to check it if you think he's been using it inappropriately, and to take it away if you are proven right.