Unreciprocated Holiday Gifts

Updated on December 29, 2011
A.F. asks from Bellmore, NY
18 answers

I used to teach with three great friends and while our lives have changed having children, we try to get together a few times a year. My three friends have given my daughter gifts for the holidays in the past but I was hoping this year they wouldn't. Today I visited those friends and was completely embarrassed when they gave my daughter a gift and two friends gave me a gift (for my birthday) and I did not reciprocate.

I can say I'm barely making any money being a Para. and paying for daycare but two of those friends are stay-at-home moms' while only one works full-time with a good job. I would love to reciprocate gifts but sometimes it is just is out of our budget. I want to tell my friends "no more gifts" but not sure how to.

Do I get these friends' children gifts now after they gave my daughter a gift or do I just let it go until next year? Months may go by now before I see these friends again.

Two of my friends' have one child each and one friend has three children (one of her kids' is actually 19 years old!). Please advise!

Thank you very much.

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So What Happened?

Thank you to all who responded and gave me great suggestions for possible future gifts. Out of twelve responses, only one gave me a very negative response. You know what I guess it was TACKY of me not to give these friends gifts. But you know what, I'm sorry I can't worry about that. I will have to get my nerve up way before Christmas/Hanukkah next year to say something. Or perhaps I can start shopping in August for friends' kids. My husband and I are responsible for three homes when tenants are not in two of them or repairs must be made. I have expenses that my friends' do not have and cannot always worry about gifts. On the other hand, if you knew me, I really am a very generous person. Have a good night!

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M.L.

answers from Los Angeles on

Write a very gracious thank you note and if you really feel you need to reciprocate make something very inexpensive and home made. Try bath salts! All you need is epsom salts (cheap!), food dye and a few drops of lavender scented oil. Stir it up and put in a little mason jar. That is what I give for gifts since I quit work to be with kids. I attach a single teabag of chamomile tea and put a ribbon on it. Other inexpensive gifts abound: cookie in a jar, soup mix in a jar etc... But honestly most people are just happy to have their gift acknowledged and don't require it to be reciprocated.

6 moms found this helpful
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G.H.

answers from Chicago on

The dollar bin at Target has lots of fun things kids like. Also a box of brownie mix is about $1.99, add some festive sprinkles.

Don't go for the "hope" next year, especially since you know they will bring something. And it's too late to get them something this year. But I do believe a thank you card is in order.

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R.M.

answers from Cumberland on

You sound like the most deserving friend anyone could have and I am sure it was a joy to give you and your daughter gifts! A thank- you note will be a treasured gift.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.B.

answers from Seattle on

These are great friends of yours. Clearly they have an idea about your financial situation and I would be willing to bet they would not be offended if you suggested not exchanging gifts.

Perhaps in the group email when you are all deciding on when to meet next, you can throw out there something like "Why don't we consider our dinner out a gift to ourselves instead of an exchange? These are tight times for me and it would make me feel more comfortable with my situation. Thanks in advance for your understanding!"

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

A.G.

answers from Houston on

I give gifts all the time that aren't reciprocated. If the people i am giving to are having money troubles i do not take any offense. Hopefully your friends feel the same way.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You don't need to reciprocate. I'm sure they don't expect that. It would almost be worse to do it now--after the fact, don't you think?
Next year, maybe mention that the get-together is a great gift of TIME that you all can give each other....or suggest a $5 grab bag -- a new tradition!

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C.B.

answers from Boston on

Don't fret over this, they are good friends who probably know your situation money wise. I like the bath salts idea or just some home made cookies. You can also get some very affordable craft gifts (which I prefer for my kids so they use them up and they are gone as opposed to yet another stuffed animal!). But for now I would send them a nice thank-you card and leave it at that.

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B.B.

answers from Portland on

Why does everyone think that gift reciprocation is a must? I don't give gifts because I want or expect one back, I give because I enjoy it. If I can't afford to give, I don't. I would feel horrible if someone called me and asked me not to bring a gift. Just say thank you and accept it for what it was - a gift! I'm sure your friendship is a gift to them.

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J.K.

answers from Kansas City on

Well I would suggest that you probably knew that the gifts would be coming anyway, since they have been giving them to you all in the past. I think it was terrible that you didn't bring anything. I mean, I'm sure you could have afforded a $5 gift, a child loves to unwrap anything!! Even a home made gift shows that you care. Bringing nothing year after year is TACKY.

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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

This is longer than I wanted it to be, but when I have only a short amount of time, it's hard to write a short post. Go figure. Anyhow, you can just zip past this if you want to:

When it comes to communication, *hoping* doesn't count.

You need to think about this. Do you want to say "no more gifts" because: a) you are embarrassed that the women were generous to you? b) you believe that giving should be either on an equal basis or not at all? c) you feel that your old friends are shaming you by giving when you hadn't planned to give? d) you would prefer to drop the friends who knew you back when you had more money? e) all of the above? f) none of the above?

There are, sadly, folks who do expect equal (or better) reciprocation when they give a present. But others give because that's the way they show they care. They aren't looking for a return. I don't know where your friends stand in this; maybe you do. Assuming they aren't the sort who expect a return gift and "keep score" in their minds, you don't have to give some gifts now just to even up the score - because there isn't one.

At any rate, you must thank these friends. "Thank you for making my merry Christmas a little merrier. You are so kind to think of me. My gift budget has been nonexistent for quite a while, but I want you to know that my heart is full of appreciation [by the way, is it?] for the privilege of having you as a friend these many years." Have your daughter write a note, too!

Many great friendships fizzle due to silence and lack of truthfulness. If you want to keep the women as friends, you need to be both open and gracious. Grace comes not through presents but through the way you treat your friends. If you can't buy things at the store, no big deal; give in another way. Send your friends a note or a card once in a while during the year; that's so rare a thing these days that it's one of the finest gifts anyone can get. A friendly snail-mail note turns into a treasure! And they'll be so surprised.

Throughout the year, keep an eye out for small gifts you can find for little cash outlay - it's really not hard to find note paper, bath salts, candles, etc., if you keep looking. Save these little things up and you'll have some small "token" gifts for friends at birthdays and other days. Are you crafty? You might be able to come up with something that way (but be careful; crafting costs cash!). Make these little gifts into big ones through your personal attention and the note you enclose with the gift.

I don't think there is a gracious way to say, "I don't want gifts from you, whatever you may want to do." That is no less ungracious than feeling entitled to gifts. We always like to say (and hopefully we believe) that it is better to give than to receive; however, it's essential to receive beautifully or you're actually giving back a very unpleasant gift - one the recipient won't forget.

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

I would send them a very nice thank you and when it comes up say something about how you appreciate their friendship.

You can also offer to give them your time (like babysitting) vs a gift you buy.

I only exchanged gifts with 3 good friends this year and did not exchange with my cousins. Somewhere along the line we all decided to just enjoy each other's company rather than dole out gifts. I still buy a little something (usually earlier in the year, on sale) for the little ones only.

You can bring it up sometime away from the holiday season. Tell them you are so grateful for them but feel bad that you cannot reciprocate the way you would like to.

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J.D.

answers from Phoenix on

Um. I'm known for being blunt, but I never lost a friend that way. If you want to tell them no more gifts, just do it. Say something like, "I thought it was so cool that you all got my daughter and I gifts this year. But, if you don't mind, I'd prefer we just hang out and enjoy each others company in the future? " If it is all about the money, then just add, "I just don't have the funds to reciprocate gifts to you and your children in the generous way that I would like." It is entirely possible that your friends feel the same as you and would be happy to end the exchange as well.
If they are true friends, they will get it and then the uncomfortable situation will end.

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C.D.

answers from New York on

be honest say we have to stop times bad and remind them nxt time xmas rolls around

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M.B.

answers from Rochester on

A.,
Gifts are just that - gifts. If your friends were feeling un kept up with, they would express this. They would not give you gifts.

One thought would be: can you give up the little profit from being a para to stay with your children?

do they understand or know how little you have?

giving gifts is something that comes from the heart - not the wallet - usually.

you could also spend a little time and make something - a beautiful card that is something that stores flat and expresses sentiment not from Hallmark. Something to be treasured. Spend an hour of your TV time? Spend an hour of your reading time? (assuming you have these... : )

there's more to this but I am getting breakfast as I type, and ... and... just don't mess with gift giving. It can cause bad feelings and lose friendships. some are just giving people. they are better when they give.

go to Lynn Jericho's Inner Christmas - the wonder of childhood is her blog - and there is a night dedicated to giving. and another to ministry. try reading those and you might have some more ideas.

hugs and good luck,
M.

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

Since it is uncomfortable, just simply say you have a no gifts rule and stress how much you look forward to seeing them. Really, most of our kids get too many gifts and most of us should cut back on gifts.

I got gifts again from 3 people I repeatedly asked not to do gifts. I returned them for a store credit and bought food since food is what we use.

I will send thank you notes, then again next year ask for no more gifts.

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M.T.

answers from New York on

Send a thank you note for the gifts. Then, before the holidays or birthdays come around again, let them know that you appreciate their previous generosity but that your budget does not allow for gifts for your friends or their children at birthdays/holidays. It can be a difficult thing to say, but you should say it. If they choose to continue giving gifts that you are not reciprocating, then that is their choice and you should not feel obligated. Don't buy them gifts after the fact, but do be honest that you cannot afford to reciprocate non-family gifts. I wouldn't hope that they just stop giving the gifts because you aren't reciprocating. I know it can be hard to let people know that your financial situation is diffcult, but it can be better than having them think you're unappreciative since I'm sure that's not the case.

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M.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Write them a sincere thank you and bake some cookies, then hand deliver them to your friends.
Next year thoughout the year stock up on small gifts as they go on sale. A small bejeweled pad of paper from Barnes and Noble, scarves from the kiosk in the mall, etc. Whatever jumps out and speaks to you.

The 19 yo does not need a gift. I would not expect any of my friends to buy my teens gifts.

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L.F.

answers from San Francisco on

Giving gifts aren't about reciprocation. It sounds like your friend wanted to give you a gift, so they did. Why don't you send a card-- thank them for the gift and then the next holiday, you say something like--times are tight and I really would just enjoy your company-lets leave gifts out this year and just focus on spending quality time together etc. I am sure they will understand! GL

M

1 mom found this helpful
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