Am I Weird?

I have some really nice thank you notes and writing paper that are more then the average typical thank you cards. I use those items when I get something unexpected, maybe add a nice little wax seal or stamp to make it even more specail. This helps me think that I went an extra step in thanking for a gift and I feel less of that "have to repay them down the road some how" thought. It took a bout 6-8 months of doing this before I changed my thought pattern, now I can smile, say thanking and write a thank you... that is where it ends and no "must give something back" thought.

Now I will remember and if they have a baby, or a bad day or whatever you can bet that I will be sending something little their way. It is not repaying but it is what you do for each other, a nice thought or little gift can go a long way in brightening someones day.

I was raised in Japan. In Japan giving someone a gift puts that person under obligation to give a gift in return (of equal "type"... as in a very expensive gift needs a very expensive gift in return, a very thoughtful inexpensive gift needs a very thoughtful inexpensive gift in return. There are 3 degrees of gifting; expense, difficulty in obtaining or time spent, and thoughtfulness. All 3 need to be met in order for the obligation to be lifted. Going less OR more is considered very bad manners as one is either 'one upping', or 'snubbing'. It's also considered very bad manners to open a gift in front of the giver, or to give an unwrapped gift/insist upon them opening it -doing so demands immediate reciprocation-... but that's another issue). Gifts -even small ones, tokens- are given with great wariness, as it places the recipient under obligation to you.

While that concept isn't CODIFIED here in the US, the general idea of 'reciprocation' & 'returning the favor' is true in some areas and families more than others.

"Obligation" isn't an exact translation, because there is often great joy associated with it (almost an "Oh boy! An excuse to...!), but the obligation whether enjoyed or suffered is always present with a gift. <grin> As a matter of fact... that obligation can be "used" and often is. One example amongst many: When someone you care deeply for is moving away, one will often go to extreme effort to locate an expensive, hard to acquire, very personal/thoughtful gift. One that there is NO way for the recipient to return the favor easily or in a short period of time. People will often spend years working on a gift in expectation of a loved on leaving. The reason? The obligation means that they will think of you often during the years that they are gone. Some of these 'impossible' gifts are intentional; there is no way to match such an offering, so you are eternally in their debt, and as such, will remember them forever. Others; it may take you several years, but in order to give as received, you must come BACK, and give it to them in person, so they are "guaranteed" that at some point, you will come back and see them. It's very subtle. But each way is a way of saying I love you.

To compound my initial upbringing, we then moved deep south (hospitality is a form of obligation as well). The way I was raised, I am physically incapable of not reciprocating (not doing so will weigh on me for YEARS, although an inappropriate gift is a worse snub than no gift). It wasn't until we moved to the southwest where the concept of "Freely given, expecting nothing in return" was introduced to me.

I don't think either concept is wrong or better. Reciprocation or freely given.

You like to reciprocate, your husband likes to freely accept. Do what makes you happy :)

I think that you should accept the gift as a kind gesture and send a thank you note. If there is something they need in the future, reciprocate the kindness they have shown you. This is how friendship works. Congrats on finding some GREAT friends and for being a GREAT one. :)

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Look up Weird in the dictionary : there's a picture of S. ;-) LMAO
J/k
Your a very sweet and caring person!

** HAHA

This lady probably feels all warm and fuzzy inside for sending your little man a gift. Let her have this woman!! Quit being a weirdo. ;) Im weird too.

Yes you are weird... now let me read the question LOL

j/k ;)

The solution to this is to talk to yourself in a positive way. Be thankful. Remind yourself that you are a good person who deserves this gift. And tell yourself over and over until you feel it's true that you don't need to repay anything. This was a gift. Not a payment. We believe and become what we tell ourselves.

S.:

I'm sorry you have a hard time accepting gifts...do you not think you are worthy?!!

I think it's GREAT that your friends did this for you!!! A thank you note is sufficient!!!

If they have an anniversary coming up - do something nice, but you don't need to pay them back or repay anyone!!! It's all good!!!

Sounds like your kind hearted! I think its nice you like to show your appreciation to people who do nice things. I call it pay it forward. When someone does something nice for us, we always remember to do something nice for others. My son is the same way, a little boy gave him tickets he had left over at the arcade......so when we were leaving he said " ok mom now it s my turn to be really nice," he gave the rest of his to another little boy.. Sometimes we start it and its fun! From gift giving to opening doors and giving up our seats, You have a great quality, when you baby grows out of his clothes. Maybe you can donate some to a needy mom. Thats one way of paying it forward. : )

You are not weird. I am the same way-in fact if someone gifts or helps (that hasn't happened in years since I lost friends due to my horrid medical stuff)I feel guilty and obligated.
Check your family dynamic-I found out in therapy that I feel this way because 'gifts' and 'help' came with many many strings. Even a birthday gift. Even as a very very small child. "Yes it is your birthday I got this x for you but i will lord it over you and guilt you over it. You owe me gratitude and servitude."
It may not be and may just be that is just how you feel. I just wanted to reply because I saw some of me in your post!
hth

Yeah, you're totally the weirdest freak I know.

(HA, bet you didn't expect THAT did you?!)

And though I believe the meaning of life is.....Whoever Performs The Greatest Number Of Unsolicited Gestures Of Kindness Without Expectation Wins In The End!.....It still weirds me out a little to be on the receiving end when someone actually does it!

Honestly, I've been tearin' up all day over posts!

:)

Are you of Asian culture?
This is typical.
It is also cultural here in Hawaii.... even if a person is of mixed cultures or a transplant Hawaii resident.
So I can totally relate.
Of course, sometimes it is just a person's ethos.

But we don't regard it as "getting even" or even as "getting them back" nor is it about outdoing a gift or neutralizing a gifter's intent. Nor is it about neutralizing a 'favor.'
Things like this are not seen as a 'favor', here in Hawaii.

But yes, ya also gotta just accept nice gestures. But always with a proper thank you....

Your not weird! Im the same way. There's so many bad things and people in the world its kinda shocking when someone does something out of the goodness of their heart. Doesn't it feel good! I would just say thank you and be done with it. How bout you" pay it forward" when you get the chance? That way you can make someone elses day!!

I am the exact same way as you....so I will watch for your reponses...a lady here at work bought me a gift when i had my youngest DD, totally out of the blue. I ended up buying her coffee and a danish one day as a thank you. Geesh a card would of been just as nice, im sure, but I cant just not do anything.

I detest gifts. I LOVE giving, but when someone gives something to me, something gets all jumbled in my heart and mind like I owe or "aren't they thoughtful. Shouldn't I be as thoughtful?" Its goes on and on in my mind. The poor soul was just being nice and I'm a mess.

Now, if I get gifts from people I know VERY well, no big deal, but new friends or aquaintenances. Yeesh.

As a therapist, I don't accept gifts or explore the nature of the gift, which is SO much easier for me on a personal level. Unless its culturally indicated. Blah, blah, blah.

If you're wierd, I am too: )

I'm the same way. It's funny because I give things to people, but I don't expect anything in return but if someone gives me something I think I owe them. I actually have a list in my head of people I owe..lmao! It can be the littlest thing & I will try to repay somehow.

I can understand why you feel obligated even if you aren't really expected to send a gift back (unless there is an occasion). If you want to send a wedding gift go ahead but it isn't necessary in my opinion. If they are long time friends there will be on occasion sooner or later for you to get them something.

I find that I have young kids and many of my friends also have babies and young kids there is also a kind of pass it on mentality. Baby clothes and gear is often not used for a long time and hand me downs are common. I've gotten some very helpful hand me downs and in turn have passed on quite a bit of stuff. I'm okay with getting baby gifts from people and just sending a thank you note. Babies are expensive and I make sure to send something nice (usually handmade) to my friends who are expecting. I also find homes for any hand me downs either with friends or on Freecycle. I figure in the grand scheme of things it mostly evens out.