Do You Try & Be Reciprocal with Your Gifts?

So what you are saying is that you want to use my gift to you to help pay for the gift you give me? So in that respect I am just helping to pay for my own gift? Nope. I give a gift with no expectations, period.

What is she supposed to do if she cant afford to give that much? Its not like shes asking for a specific amount from these people. As far as gifts go, I always do what I can and dont expect the same or more back. If they didnt want her to have the gift, they wouldnt have done it.

Giving in my world is a one way street. After all, it is giving not giving and getting back. I teach my kids to give without expectations and without asking as to whether it is deserved or not. I do realize that a lot of people get irked with the lack of reciprocity but honestly this just takes the joy out of giving in my book.

No. My sister and I are on very different financial planes. I will not spend more than I can afford in order to match what she can afford.
And quite frankly , if she gave me cash to spend on my kid, and I turned around and spent it on her kid, she would be royally pissed.

Wow, I have never given a gift and expected pay back. I give the gift because I saw it and wanted the person to enjoy it. Giving gifts is one of my selfish pleasures.

There have been MANY times, when we did not have any money for gift giving, so we came up with homemade items to give. They may have given us a large gift card, but was not going to sacrifice my family needs to pay back that person.

If I give a gift card, I do not want them to use it to buy ME a gift.. That is totally the opposite. I want them to either treat themselves or to use it to take the stress off of their budgets.

Please apologize to your sister and leave her alone. She is doing fine just the way she is living her life.

You can do what you feel is right for you and your own family.

I dont think the cost has anything to do with it. It's the thought that counts. If we all feel we have to buy something we cant afford to give as a gift, that sure takes the joy out of giving.

Um, a gift is a gift, not a bill for something of equal value in return. Quite simply, your sister is right and you are wrong. People give what they can or want to give to whom they choose to give and should expect nothing in return (other than thanks, of course). One of my sisters is very comfortable financially and she has always been more generous to my children that I could be to hers, but that doesn't stop her from getting what she wants for my kids nor does it stop me from getting what I can afford for her child. My other sister also had a lot of disposable income for many years and was very giving and now she's in a rough spot financially so I'm in a position to be more generous to her and her baby than she can be to my kids and that's OK. You really need to pay less attention to the gift-giving habits of other people and stop keeping track of what you give and receive. That kind of thinking is not in the spirit of giving at all.

Yes. last time I checked, we didn't all gave guns to our temples with regards to gift-giving.
It's ridiculous to expect that gift of money be used AS a gift of money to make things "even"!
A gift is a gift and if it comes from the heart, it is always the correct amount.
I think sometimes people have a really easy time being the "giver" but are a lot less gracious about being the "getter", especially when the financial playing field is not level.

I've known people that keep a notebook to record each gift they've received, the dollar value, and the giver. So that they can give back exactly the same dollar value gift. I was absolutely floored by this. Gifts are given for the giving, not to receive back something the same, especially measured in dollars.

When our family christmas gathering started to seem like we were playing "pass the gift card" around the room, we stopped the gift exchange and now just enjoy each other's company.

I had previously given many gifts to people that were not reciprocated, and I never expected them to be. Now for the last 4 years, I've been living on a reduced income, so my gift giving has gotten more creative - and less costly. I believe that no one has been offended by this, as they know my situtation has changed. Gift giving should be about the thought, and generosity, not keeping score.

This is why I don't like cash gifts. I try to be "reciprocal" but I'm not going to do it to my detriment. I do it more because I feel like there's a general amount that should be spent per occasion; $100 for a wedding gift, for example. If they give more than I can afford, I give what I can afford. But I try to find something that's a good deal. So maybe I find a $50 gift that's on sale for $25. Or something that's a 2-for-1 sale.

Gifts should be given selflessly. If someone is offended that they didn't "get back" what they gave, then they are giving for the wrong reason. I agree that your sister shouldn't use her "gift money" to turn around and buy a gift for the same person. Why not cut out the middleman and not buy anything at all?

I don't think that there is a need to "match" the amount financially, but you do need to either mutually exchange gifts or agree to "mutually" stop exchanging if money is tight.

It is just my opinion, but I think people give what they can afford and that no one should feel obligated to over-extend themselves financially to match another person's financial gift. If your sister is able to comfortably spend $20 on a gift and puts thought into that gift, then the "value" may actually be a little more than sending a gift card.

I think your sister is right in a sense- "over spending" when you can't afford to do so is exactly why our economy is in ruins and people are so far in debt they can't see the light of day. She's also correct in saying that the gift from the cousin was for the BABY, not for your sister to turn around and spend it on the other baby.

We have actually pulled way-back on what we spend on others b/c we didn't want people to feel that they need to spend extravagantly on our child or on us. In fact, we have suggested to my adult nieces that they buy only for our son and just come over for dinner and cake to celebrate our birthdays and they were incredibly relieved b/c it was getting really expensive.

When I give a gift, I don't expect for it to be matched dollar for dollar. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable when people try to equal the score so to speak. I had a friend like that, who had to make things equal all the time and it ended up just taking the joy out of gift giving for me. When I give a gift, I give what I think someone would really like and what I can afford. That's what I would like for my friends to do as well.

I try to be reciprocal in that I give a gift if I receive one. Everyone has their own budget and if they make more than you, you can't keep up without going into debt. If my friend is going to be upset that I didn't spend $50 on her like she did me, then what kind of a friend is she? That's not a gift, that's prepayment. I troll sales for baby gifts. If they return an item with the gift receipt they'll find out that the sleeper was only $4, but the point is that I bought them something nice for their child and just happened to find it on sale. Carter's is good stuff, and $4 is a good price.

I think that if she received $50, she should use that as a gift for her child vs re-spending it on a gift in return. If I give my stepkids a gift card, I want it to be for them, not for their friends. Think of it this way, that's $50 for a baby. Why take money from a baby?

My cousin is a single mom and I expected nothing from her for Christmas, but I still gave her something for her baby. I know her situation and I don't want her to feel bad because she can't give the whole extended family something. I told her I'd trade her for some baby-holding time.

I agree with Grandma T! Gift giving is about the feeling you get, not about what you'll get in return. I know it can sometimes be irritating if you feel like you keep giving and not getting, which is normal, but think about how you would explain it to your children if they were in this situation. Would you tell them it is about the joy of giving or about getting equally reciprocated?

Why are you bothered by this? Its her decision and not your business to decide :) I think it shouldn't be give 50 bucks then they give 50 bucks. The point of giving is to give what you can and from the heart. If her version of that is a 20 dollar gift, then thats sufficient. Let it go--

M

If she really can't afford to reciprocate then a really nice thank you card will do. Each exchange of gifts is independent of each other. Everyone does what they can when they can.

But having said that sometimes the best most useful gifts given are the cheaper ones.

I never try to match dollar amounts. I didn't know it was important to some people. I thought it was the thought that counts.
I also like Lucia B's response. You give a gift with no expectations. I have been to lots of baby showers and gave gifts, but I didn't expect them to give me a gift during my pregnancy. I gave because I wanted to.
Just my personal opinion.
Hey Suz T, my SO's family only gives cash or giftcards! So your comment about sitting around Christmas morning handing each other bills cracked me up, because it happens! Although they don't make a competition out of it...thank goodness! =)

this is the attitude that has caused me to plead with my family and most of my friends to end gift-giving, at least on 'traditional' gift-giving holidays. how on earth can anyone enjoy a gift selected to surprise and delight when all of this calculating and eagle-eyeing is going on?
blick.
giving cash and gift cards is the worst. next thing you know everyone will sit around on christmas morning, hand each other a few bills and the 'winner' will be the one who makes a profit on it.
this attitude would actually be a friendship-breaker for me.
khairete
S.

No, I don't ever try to give gifts that equal the amount given to me. That's not what gifts are about. If you give a gift you are doing just that, giving, not expecting anything in return. If you are expecting the money back (in the form of an equal gift) then its a loan, not a gift.

You sister is just fine, she's graciously accepting the gifts people give her and she's giving gifts when she can spending what she can. There's nothing wrong with that.

This is probably not a popular answer but it is how I feel....
My brother gave me an extremely generous wedding gift. Way more than I could afford to give at the time to him. Since I knew he was getting married not even a year after me I saved the gift he generously gave and gave it back to him at his wedding.
I know his intention was for me to enjoy the cash gift but I would never have felt right giving him less than what he gave me.
Conversely my husbands aunt got married 1 month before us. We gave her $100. She gave us a $25 bible which was for Born Again Christians. We are Catholic. I obviously thought this was a little rude since I am writing about it 15+ years later : ) My feeling was she should have given our gift back...$100. I don't give to get but I do think there is some etiquette to gift giving. I think your sister could have used some of the gift money to give something back to your other sister.

The money was given to your sister to spend on behalf of the baby. It was given out of love and should be graciously received-and a thoughtful note as to what was purchased for the baby would be lovely. Sometimes the most selfish thing in the world is to give-it makes me feel wonderful to give someone a gift or money-I always give something I would love to have-I often give more than I have-and expect nothing in return-just a thank you. It's just a joy to give! Someday, your sister will be in a positon to give more-maybe she could offer her time-for baby sitting or running errands-or helping cousin set up the nursery? Time is something we have so little of-that when you give it-it means a great deal.

wow, I was totally with you, might have worded it differently but i am with you. then i read all of these responses and .... i don't know, are you and i both the only crazy ones?
Gifts are great and all that. But there is an ettiquette to gifting that i think has been left behind.
I equate it to this. I can give you $100 to buy groceries for your kids and wouldn't that be sweet but if i found out that you spent your whole paycheck on taking the kids to disney and that is why you had no money for food, i would be upset. Yes it was a gift but what happened to being responsible.
I feel like in the situation you described, your sister does have enough (maybe not cash out of her paycheck but this monetary gift she has been given) to be able to give a gift closer to the range. Should your sister HAVE to do that no, but i kind of think she should want to.

I think its wrong to feel that way and I agree with your sister that your cousin gave her that to spend for baby. If and when she gives your cousin a gift, and if it is only $20 in value, so be it. Where is the thought in all this? Thats like saying thank you, for a 'thank you'

If your getting money or a gift card, and you can not match it, then yes, you can take half of what tey gave you as a gift and use the other half to reciprocate. The cost of the gift should really be secondary to the thought of the gift. Meaning that I truly appreciate someone when they buy me something that they truly know I will love regardless of cost. That lets me know that they thought of me & really know me & that they bought it just for me. For instance, I love going to the movies and when I get a gift card to the show for $5 or 10, I love that so much more than say a $25 card to walmart. I end up using the walmart card for just stuff I regarly get at walmart so i don't forget I have the card. Then I never really get myself a gift per se. So yes, your sister should half her gifts and reciprocate accordingly. however, we as a family decided not to exchange birthday gifts with siblings. I have one sister in law that for some reason keeps buying me birthday gifts. She does not buy any for the other sister in law, which I find very rude. I do not reciprocate because one we all made a decision and she is the only one going against it & two we loaned them quite a bit of money that never got paid back, so I feel that i have already given her more than I should have. so I keep what she gives, but I do choose not to reciprocate, but I have good reason and after about 2 years, I think she finally has figured out that I am not going to reciprocate. So for some people it is your only way to get some people to figure it out, but that does not seem to be the situation with your sister. it just seems to me that she is having money troubles and is enjoying the gifts and using her money situation as an excuse. She is being a bit selfish and it may be ok for her to loose the relationship of these people because ultimately that is what could happen. or at the very least, they will not gift her again in the future if she does not reciprocate. You are right though, it is her decision and her consequence to live with. If those people ask you what is up, I would just respond with, I don't know what she is thinking. I always reciprocate gifts. I wonder if she is at least sending a proper thank you? In some cases, that would be enough. I mean I got gifts from people who came to my wedding, and I never reciprocated due tot he fact that we grew apart over time, or I wasn't invited etc.... So, i guess it depends on the situation.

Your sister just doesn't get it. If money is so tight and believe me I understand that concept she surely has written a note and expressed that she really appreciates the gift and how it is going to be used and is sorry she can't do the same or if she sews or does needlework then she can do something extra special that is homemade which is what I do and that is special because the time it takes means a lot..
Since the "discovered sister" I have a couple of those in the family-- just wants to be part of things she may be making sacrifices from her family to do this nice gift. Maybe all of you need to agree that only a certain amount gets to be used to make it fair for everyone. Sometimes people that have needs forget to use common sence and see the bigger picture to make it easier on themselves by doing just what you suggest. I think it's good that you are trying to help your sister to see the bigger picture.