UPDATED Parents Moving Back and Forth and Child Staying in 1 Place, Thoughts?

I know someone who did this.
The kids stayed in the family home while divorced Mom and Dad switched out every week.
When she wasn't home with the kids, Mom stayed lived with her new boyfriend.
Dad had a brother he'd stay with.
The kids had great stability - could have friends over, didn't have to move stuff back and forth.
It worked out great for them for the few years they did it.
Eventually Dad stayed home permanently when Mom remarried and moved in permanently with her new husband in his house.

I worked therapuetically years ago with a separated family with this arrangement. It was court-ordered because the children of the family had lost a sibling to suicide two years prior and the judge felt that having some element of stability during the "separation" phase made sense.

Couple of thoughts....
- It worked in this situation because the two children were highly fragile and didn't need to be "packing up" every 4th day and rotating houses.
- This was NOT the permanent solution. It was part of the transition plan that we all agreed upon. It was short-term and when the divorce was finalized the father bought a townhouse about 2 blocks from the mother so that the kids could easily go back-and-forth and it didn't mess with their activities.

The children were absolutely NOT in a bubble. They were quite aware of what was going on and while we worked through a second major loss in a short period of time, it was comforting to go home each night to their home, not someone else's home.

I don't think it's a realistic long-term plan, but as a short-term transition it works pretty well. Why should the kids have to pack-up and shuffle because the parents have a flawed relationship? Personally, I think presenting the "isn't it cool to have two sets of everything" idea to kids is fairytale fodder. It's not cool and I've yet to meet a child of divorce who thinks so (my father included)! They hate it, but learn to live with it.

I think it's ideal for the transition process. I don't believe it's really intended to be permanent. But it's really a perfect scenario for former couples who are having bitter custody battles and can't manage any other way. The place where the children live is neutral territory and their space, and the parents never even have to see each other.

There's nothing saying that extended family members wouldn't get to spend time with them or see them while this is the set-up. But this would work for people who aren't interested in introducing their new significant others or exposing their children to frequently changing romantic partners until there's an engagement to be announced. Or perhaps it's only until there's a sale on the house or until the children complete their current school year.

Any babysitters the children already have wouldn't have to be let go and new babysitters wouldn't have to be broken in because the children would be living in the same home/town/city/state. The children wouldn't have to change schools either or make any changes in their routines.

Mom and Dad would only have to make sure to find small apartments within driving distance of their jobs and the central home. Both parents would pay their own small rent AND half of the rent/mortgage on the central home where the children live unless that's addressed in the divorce decree and other legal avenues have addressed it.

EDIT: It's also typically a "safe zone" and people that Mom and Dad are dating, whether engaged or not during the divorce process or whenever, as long as the kids are in the central home and the parents are the ones coming in and out every other week or every four days THE PARENTS NEW SIGNIFICANT OTHERS DO NOT HAVE SLEEPOVERS THERE AND DO NOT ENTER THAT HOME.

The idea is O. permanent residence for the child and O. shared residence for the parents. Most people are doing that much already.
If & when re-marriage comes into the picture, then the marrying spouse would secure their own residence.

How in the world could keeping a child's life stable be perceived as "fairytaleish"?

I think it could work for some people, but not for others. I can see it as a temporary thing while the kids adjust, but not long-term. I know it probably would not work if it came down to it between my husband and I, mostly because he's J. such a slob. He would probably leave the house a mess for M. to have to clean up when I was back, and then same thing if we were trading off a separate apartment. I also would not want him to have any "overnight guests" in a home or a bed that we are still both using.

I think this only works for Jon and Kate plus 8. I doubt either of them ever plan on having more kids. I think for one to three kids its a bit much. If you had four or more I might actually see it happening. I am sorry for divorce , espically divorce with kids. Its so very horrible. Kids adjust to different situations. Its up to the parents to help them adjust and make good choices at any location they are at.

I think it is ridiculous unless you have so many children that the location is necessary to accomadate them or their film crew - LOL. (think the jon & kate thing)
Yes, this much bowing to the will of a child is a bit ridiculous in my opinion. Let them learn and experience the knocks in life - they'll survive sleeping somewhere else a few weekends a month.
I like the way you and another person pointed out that it also sets that child/children all alone like they are not a part of you/your family and if you do move on and try to incorporate that new family will they be resentful (more or less than usual in these situations) that their situation is chaning because of the other family?
Rambling a bit. . . but no. I J. think it is silly.

I cannot see owning two houses (well I guess it would have to be three houses). My hubby and his ex-wife lived about 2 miles from each other in the same town (before we came to Florida). This worked well when his kids were young. He would get to spend every weekend with them and/or they could stay at his house if they wanted to during the week.

This sounds like a way of avoiding that the parents are not together anymore and that will cause more damage to the child. We all know that divorce hurts children, but as long as both parents are involved with the children (no matter how far apart they live) then the kids will be fine.

I had a coworker who had this arrangement and he swore by it. He and his former wife were twice married and twice divorced. The first time was a traditional split down the middle. The second time around was like you describe. Their family home was affordable and mostly paid for so the children stayed there. Each parent rented his or her own apartment. Like you I could never figure out how new spouses and new kids would factor into the equation. Every other week the whole bunch moved in or out?!? Also I thought it would be weird to sleep in the bed J. occupied by your former spouse J. last week but that is most definitely my own personal hang up. To each their own I decided after never having the gall to grill the guy on the arrangement. Like you I think children are suprising resilient and facing the truth in the long run is healthier. As a child of divorce myself I can say you do get used to two houses, two sets of rules and such. When you go to your other house, you fit into the groove and you join the team so to speak.

I think it only works if you have the right kind of relationship with your ex and if you're splitting up....what's that likelyhood?

My DH has a difficult ex. When they first were working toward a divorce and he moved into the basement, she broke into his locked room. He was told by the cops that there was nothing they could do, as it was a mutual property state. Leave her in "their" home...riiiight.

I also think that this nesting idea only works if the parents don't move on. My DH and his ex both remarried. DH and I had another child. So what then? Do the new spouses and kids get to wander back and forth? Do we live in a tiny apartment b/c we're supporting the big house the sks lived in? Do DD and I lose DH every other week while he moves into Casa de Ex?

Friends of ours split up. They determined that they would keep the house. Further, they decided that the father should be the primary caregiver so he bought her out. The mother moved to her own apartment nearby, where the boys visit her frequently. This worked fairly well (except for things like her feeling too comfortable and taking his baking supplies without talking to him). The boys kept their home, and one parent stayed with them in that home. They had security and still got to see both parents. The parents could relax and have "their" space during their time with the kids.

I think, too, that kids need to decompress between households and if the house is TOTALLY Mom's or totally Dad's, then they can have a more relaxed experience. No anger over Mom burning candles and Dad hating them or Dad bringing over the dog that Mom can't stand, etc. No Mom or Dad feeling edgy all week over things done differently.

If a judge ordered this for DH, it would have been devastating.