Vying for Attention

If only every step mom was tried to be as understanding...the world would be a better place. But being nice doesn't mean that you don't have to set boundaries. It's perfectly normal as well as to be expected that your step son should initially reject this. His parents only recently split up, and now he is being asked to accept yet another major change. He hasn't been able to make any of these decisions for himself, they just keep getting thrust upon him. It's very scary and very frustrating. For the sake of everyone involved, I would seriously consider taking this thing slowly. Remember, you're not just moving in together, you are joining two pre existing families under one roof. If you feel confident in this relationship, then you won't have lost a single thing by taking it slow.
In the meantime, you might want to consider establishing those boundaries. Encourage your step son to talk about his feelings, but as a couple, you should not allow him to do so in a damaging and hurtful way, especially toward the little girl. Let him know that it's okay to be upset and encourage him to talk about it, but he needs to understand that feeling hurt does not give you the right to purposefully hurt other people.
If your sweetie is only recently out of this previous relationship, and the two of you had been aquainted prior to that, is there a chance that the boy's mother is blaming you for the demise of their union?
It would probably be a good idea for the father to spend plenty of quality time with his son apart from you. This helps to reinforce to the son that no matter what changes in his life, he still has a special and prominent place in his father's life. Once he feels a little more comfortable having you around, you should also spend some quality time alone with the boy. That will let him know that he can have his own special relationship with you if he chooses to. Eventually, he may realize that when he's not competeing with you for his father's attention that you're actually a pretty cool lady that he would enjoy having in his life.
Overall, it sounds like you're on the right track, but this is not going to be easy and it won't happen quickly. The easiest unions are those that are slow and progressive, so that by the time you guys move in together, it seems like the natural thing to do for ALL of you.
There are also some really good books available about step-parenting that can help you address the issues you're dealing with now, as well as others that are likely to arise in the future. Hope some of this is helpful to you. Good luck!

That poor boy! How long has it been since he lost (either through death or divorce) his mother? Looking at it from his point of view, having you in his life means that his dreams are over of ever having his family back the way it used to be. He may not be thinking this consciously, and he may not have anything against you personally at all, but you mean Change, and that is hard for children (especially of that age) that need consistency and the dreams they had when they were younger (of growing up with their own mom and dad, etc.). If you can see it that way, it should help you be more patient and understanding with him, especially considering you have only been dating his father for a few months yet have the potential to completely alter his life without his input. Also, try getting counseling for him so he can work through his feelings. When you and your significant other each became parents, you took on the responsibility of caring for your children and their needs before your own wants. Of course you want the thrill and excitement of courtship, but please be careful you are not running over this boy’s real needs. Please don’t move in together without getting married. That sends the signal that you are really not committed enough for marriage. How do you expect him to embrace you if you come across as half committed? He’s had his heart broken already and may be very reluctant to let anyone else in. If you get married, you can demonstrate that you are ready and committed to building a family together.
My husband and I have five children. There are lots of times each day that we are interrupted during conversations (whether in person or on the phone) and disturbed when we are holding hands, sitting together, etc. That is part of life and part of having children. (We make up for it by talking after the children are in bed and by having our own date night every Friday.) It sounds like this boy’s behavior has become a pet peeve to you. This will only get worse unless YOU change first and work to see things from his point of view and love him for who he is. It’s harder to love a child like a mother when you are not the mother, but you will have to learn to have this unselfish love towards him if you want to be a family. Also, you are right. He is using his bad behavior to try to scare you off. How helpless he must feel to not have any control over this situation. If he comes right out and says he doesn’t want you in his life, he will not get his way. Basically, there’s nothing he can do to have any control over this. It is up to the adults in his life. Be patient with him and realize it is a process. Find things that he can have control over in his life. With counseling and reassurance and lots of father-son alone time, things should improve. Also, be careful how you treat him and your daughter. Sibling rivalry and squabbling is normal in any family situation. Don’t interfere too much. Help them learn to love and serve each other. Go out of your way to take his side whenever possible so he will not get the impression that it is his team against your team. You’ve got an uphill battle. Good luck.

First of all you shouldn't move in with each other not being married. What kind of message would that bring to your 4 yr. old daughter. Secondly, if you are having difficulty with him now wait until he moves in. This can really make for all sorts of confusion. I can say this because I have been there more than I'd like to admit. I was young and wanted someone to love and to be with. As parents we must put our children in consideration. If he is hurting your daughter with words what else would he do? There is much to be saught out in this situation and it would take to go into it all. Basically, you should pray for is this the right soul-mate for you. How does he react to the situation at hand. Does he stand up for his son or does he try to explain to his son this is not good behavior. I sense some jealousy here and also some controlling spirits. My ex-husband did the same thing to me when his daughter wanted attention (all the time). He put me second best. Now I'm happily remarried to a wonderful man who puts me before others. Of course God is first in both of our lives....Prayer is the ultimate key in this situation. The Bible says ask and it shall be given to you. God can heal the 9 yr. old from this and heal the relationship between the both of you. Be blessed and write me if you need a friend. Focus your attention on the one who created the Heavens and the earth and watch what God will do for you!!!

T.,

My husband has a 9 year old from a previous relationship. This does not make me an expert but I do have experience with this type of behavior.

First, you must work on yourself. When you allow a 9 year old to hurt you so deep, you may have some insecurity issues. I'm not pointing fingers because I've walked your path. Next, it's not up to you to address this little boy...it's up to his father. You must point out his inappropiate behavior and tell your boyfriend how it may be affecting your daughter. You have to understand that this little boy is hurting. He believes that you are the cause of his parents break up. He may also feel threatened that your daughter is going to take his place which is not uncommon for a child in this situation. His (your boyfriend) reaction will let you know if you should take the relationship any further. If he protects his son and makes excuses for his behavior....run....it will only get worse! He should spend some alone time with his son (without you and your daughter) and let him know that no one will ever take his place. In addition, he should let his son know that rude behavior will not be tolerated. Good luck!

Poor kid feels threatened. He's needing to establish his importance to his father. Dad needs to talk to him and make sure he knows he's safe and loved and will always be special. Perhaps counseling.

Your daughter is young but not too young to be explained in very simple terms that the 9-year-old boy should be given space and patience. She needs lots of hugs and attention because I know it's hard for her too. That said, cruelty is NEVER tolerable. I think a group meeting about the rules for how we speak to each other/ no hitting/ etc. may be in order. Just be sure to enforce those rules on both kids.

You say your boyfriend is "recently" out of a relationship with his son's mother. Sounds like the son is living with Dad -- I wonder what the story is with Mom. Why did Dad get custody? Is Mom involved at all? What might she be saying to him if/when she does get to see him? I think this little boy is afraid of "losing" another parent or becoming less important in that parent's eyes. I wonder what the break-up of his parents has done for him and his security and sense of safety. His whole world has been shattered by this break-up I'm sure. Now he feels like his position as Dad's special person is being usurped. Can you imagine what it's like in his shoes?

He needs to be in counseling. Dad should go with him sometimes.

Have patience -- I know it's hard. Dad needs to be proactive and have a constant dialog with his son. When he squeezes in to your togetherness, the worst thing you can do is make him move. Just move over and make room for him. As he comes to feel less threatened, he'll relax. Right now, though, he's on "high alert".

Don't forget that he's a child too. And he's hurting. Clearly, meanness should not be tolerated. But if he's only speaking out from his insecurities, the best way to get that to stop is to solve the insecurities -- not to lose your temper.

And, don't forget that blood is thicker than water. The very LAST thing you want is to have Dad feel like he needs to "choose between" you two. You really don't want to introduce that dynamic into the mix!

Good luck, T.. I can only imagine how frustrated you are. Lots of love to both children and never showing that either has you frazzled!

And, please think twice before you move in together. You've only been dating for a couple of months. I think it would be a very bad idea. Both children will have to deal with the new instability you and your boyfriend introduce. And the aftermath if you don't work out would be VERY hard for them! Know that this man is "it" and you new Mr. T. first.

I'll be praying for you guys!

Hi T.,

Frankly, it's not your place to fix it. It's his father's. If he has not stepped up to the plate to take care of this by now, he won't do it later. You will only cause more pain to your daughter by moving in together.

Best wishes.

Hi T.,

I was worried about what you are feeling about two years ago. My now husband was married for 12 years, divorced for 4 years before we got together. He has three children from that marriage, all are middle school or teenagers. I struggled with wanting them to like me and not be a brat like I was to my stepfathers. My mom was married three times. I finally like the one she is with now. During my childhood, I felt like they were taking my mom away from me, like my step mom did with my father, but that is a whole nother story!!!

You have to understand that the son is in a hard place right now. YOu are the new person, not the son. You have to be patient. Yes, like the other women shared, you must talk to his father about this. It is rude and hurtful. It is his responsibility to build you up and make his son understand that you are now a part of his life and the son's. You also have to be careful about your body language to the son. Kids pick up on that. If he feels that you are a threat to him and his father's relationship, he will do everything he can to tear you and your daughter apart so that he can have his father to himself. That is the only secure thing he sees.

With my husband and I, I make sure that the kids have time with their father. We have them every other weekend and a week out of the month. I am a mother to them, but I know that they need their father and that space. It may be a good idea to not always be there. Really think about what it means for you two to live together and if it is the best thing to do for your children, not just yourselves. Youa re bringing in two children, with two different dynamics, one excited about a father figure, and another who just wants a father. Be very careful and delicate in this manner. My husband and I spent time with the kids separately and asked questions about our relationship to see if they were ready. I know that we are adults and the kids have ot be obedient to our decisions, but our union was not just about us. We were becoming a family. We have been married for a year and a half and I can say that my children love me. I am still trying to get used to it, but I love them as my own and I am learning a lot about myself and my husband in this. I cherish our times when we don't have the kids and I look forward to when we do. That is how you want your relationship to be with this man.

You don't want to be the evil stepmother.............no one does, so just be mindful of your own heart and actions towards the son, because his father does notice. Talk to him about it. Do not be afraid of his response. If it is not what you expected, then take it and work with it. If it is a good response, then you can work it out. If he gets defensive, then you have to take that into consideration as well, especially if you are to make a future with him. You do not want to be in competition with a child. Someone will always get hurt.

I really hope that this advice and the advice of the other women realy help and give you peace.

Yikes. You sound very patient, I wish I had had *you* as a step-mom, instead of the monster I got stuck with. And you understand that this boy is hurting when he does these mean things. That's huge.

He sounds very insecure - you seem to be handling it very well. Take things SLOWLY. Maybe consider some family counseling. I'm not going to get all preachy on you and say "Don't move in without marrying." or "Ask God." I figure if that's your religion, there's plenty of people in your church you can look to for support.

I would say DEFINITELY stick up for your daughter when he's mean to her. She's a lot younger and is therefore more vulnerable. And if you can find an occasion to stick up for *him*, that may help, too. He's trying to get to you, trying to make you angry, no doubt about it. Each time you bite your tongue, you win. It doesn't feel like it, but it shows you are an adult and won't sink to the level where he can fight you.

Hopefully he just needs time - needs to know that you won't take his dad away. (It helps if you don't take off on a kid-free vacation or something like that - tempting though it may be.)

I would consider holding off moving in together until there is less strife. It sounds like you are holding up well, but increasing the pressure could push you to blow up.

Hello T. M.

I have been married for seventeen years and have three young men by my wonderful husband, and even though we are all in this family as a one part deal, there were time in earlier years my boys would delibertly hurt one another for their dad's attention, say things to hurt each other and yes even say things to me that would almost seem that they wanted their dad all to themselves. You say you are learning to love yourself, huney, stop right there and do it, love yourself no matter the people in your life, sometimes as women we allow ourselves to become objects with so many flaws that we are invaluable, when really that is not the case at all, I think the young man in your life right now is seeing you as a valuable to his father and in some way he feels threatened. He apparently likes you too if he is treating your daughter as a sibling, most siblings tell each other things to hurt because they just do.. If you can remember being young and having brothers, sisters think of the times you and them used words that if were knives would cut right to the heart. If everything was going perfect something terrible would be wrong, sounds like you are being inducted into the family and the 9yr old is your welcome wagon.. I wouldn't smile at his jabs, I would let him know he has his feelings and you have yours and when you start hurting him he needs to let you or his father know, so things can be worked out. Give him a responsibilty to the relationship..make him answer your questions, about why he feels you are not to be respected.... good luck, and be blessed... and remember.. Only when we love ourselves can we expect others to love us..

Dear T. M. Please seek God first on this, all of it. First seek search your soul about the living together thing. Why would'nt you want to be married first? We must work to protect the integrity of the family in this day and age. No one seems to care about marriage first. Then surrender your problem to the Lord. He is the only one that can give you a true solution. Additionallly, this is your boyfriend's responsibility to speak to his child about what is going on here. Maybe even a child's psychologist. God Bless.

I won't preach at you. I can't. Finger-pointing isn't my style in these situations and all faith is extremely personal to the individual.

I will say that the relationship needs some reinforcement of affections by your boyfriend and not so much by you. Ok, by this I mean that your son needs to see for himself that his father loves your daughter. That means your boyfriend needs to make a point of showing affections towards your daughter - in FRONT of his son and you. He needs to back that up with words of affection for your daughter - again, in FRONT of his son and you.

Boys can be talked to until you are blue in the face but it won't make a hill of beans difference to them if they don't see it for themselves. Also, lengthy explanations of how adult affections/love works won't work on this little guy because most boys (and many husbands) have the memory of a gnat. They are logical thinkers but logic is blown away by actual proof or actions.

Don't explain yourself to a 9 year old. Just kid around with him next time he starts in on you or your daughter because SHE needs to see that for herself, too. It's all about actions with kids (about 80% of their focus is action-based). Remain consistent until he steps over the line.

When that happens, have a family meeting with him, your daughter, your boyfriend and perhaps an unbiased observer. Get things out in the open and then share lots of hugs and kisses with each other. This will help this boy not to be so judgmental when he gets to be an adult.