Our oldest son, who is six, attends p.m. Kindergarten. He continually says that "jon doe" doesn't like me at school or "jon doe" is a bully. This breaks my heart. After a while of hearing this, I e-mailed his Teacher to address this issue. The teacher knew nothing of the fact, the stories continued. One night, while tucking him in to bed, i nonchalantly said that if the stories about "jon doe" were made up, I understood.... Not really but it seemed to be the right thing to say. Hoping that this would bring it either out as a fact or stop the story telling. Meanwhile the Teacher has been keeping her eyes open. Once we had a family party and our son had a classmates Birthday party. I insisted that he attend the birthday party to see how he interacted and played with his classmates. Everything was fine. The other night we had "Game Night" with the pto, again we attended. Our son did fine, one of his classmates attended also and they were so glad to see one another.
Please give me your opinion on if i am just worried because he made this stories up or if you think there is any substance to this..............urgh.
If he likes going to school, I wouldn't worry too much at this point. Just keep listening and make a point to stay in touch with his teacher!
I would believe your son. And trust me, the teacher is DEFINITELY going to say to you: "Oh, I haven't seen a thing!" She wants to protect her own you-know-what. My son is 18 and I've seen it all. Especially the teachers who 'see nothing' because they don't want to be bothered. And then you DO have the adorable little kids in class who are angels when the parents or teachers are around, and are slick little pieces of work when it's just the other kids around. My son had one of these kids in his Kindergarten class. He was such a piece of work! Very cute child, but boy, was he a little manipulator. So just keep your own eye out and believe what your son says and practice scenarios with your son so he will be prepared to tell off little "john doe" the next time he bothers your son.
This could definitely be happening without the teacher knowing. Some kids say mean things to other children and the more sensitive children interpret that as not being liked and will come home and tell mom. My kids are very sensitive to mean comments and believe me, they happen all day every day and the teacher's can't see them all (or do something about them all). I volunteer in the classroom and it is constant. So just because it wasn't witnessed by others doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just be there to support him and give him tools to respond to others and let him know that just because someone said something like that doesn't mean they don't like them. They can be mean one minute to a child and then play enthusiastically with them the next.
There is a boy in my daughter's kindergarten classroom that all the girls think is a bully and he wiggles the table, takes their glue sticks, says angry sounding things to them. Then will be so sweet and want to sit with one of them and read a book. It's not about whether he likes them. . .I'm not sure how to explain it. . .it's just kids being kids.
Hi K.,
Sounds like you've done all the right things. As a Mom, you may worry about it more than your son. Kids, especially boys, tend to get over things more quickly and move on so maybe just casually check in with him now and again to see if it's stopped.
There are some kids, sadly, who are bullies and the best thing you can do is listen to your son as you've been doing, and give him some words to work with. I remember being shocked to realize when my daughter was in kindergarten that she didn't know it was okay to stick up for herself! Maybe do a little role playing with your son, where you're the bully and he can practice saying things like, "John Doe, that hurts my feelings and it's not okay to say those things to me." Let him know if it continues he should let the teacher know. Role play that too.
As for whether your son is making it up, it's unlikely. It's rare for children to lie where their safety is concerned, and it's best for adults to take them seriously to build trust early on. You can also let him know it's okay to stick up for others if someone is being bullied. It's sad to see this start in kindergarten, but it's not unusual and you will see it throughout grade school and middle school. The best you can do for your son is to teach him age-appropriate coping skills from the beginning: tell the bully to stop, if s/he doesn't, tell a trusted adult, and stick up for your friends.
I know, it feels like a loss of innocence, but better to be prepared than picked on.
Good luck!
Kids do make things up, but it's more likely that something happened (one or several) and he is using the term "bully" to describe various behaviors or incidents. Ask him more specifically what he means - what did Jon do that was a bullying thing, what do bullies do, etc. Where did her learn the term "bully"? I ask because some schools have anti-bullying campaigns & lessons, and he may be able to list some behaviors that are bullying that Jon does. Ask where your son was when Jon was a bully - in the class, on the playground, in line for dismissal? That may help him tell you more.
Then give the info to the teacher. I would NOT approach the other parent since you don't have enough info. Then strategize ways to help your son express it. He can tell Jon "I don't like it when you...." But as other moms have said, it could be that one child doesn't like it when the other child plays with others in the group, or uses the green crayon. It's important to sort out what things hurt our feelings but aren't bullying (choosing to sit with someone else, playing with another, getting to the snack area first) and which things are.
Good luck!
My son is in kindergarten too, he is 5 1/2. He started school with a good friend of his and they played together almost exclusively for the first few months of school. My son has started to branch out and make new friends and now his first friend "Mike" tells him he "doesn't like him" or "is not his friend". Yet, they still have playdates and do play at school and clearly still like each other a lot. The teachers have observed this interaction and feel, as I do, that it results from jealousy that my son is playing with other children. I think at this age children say things like "I don't like you" because they don't know how to express themselves in other ways. They don't know how to say "I feel left out" or "why are you playing with someone else today". It sounds like your son has friends in school. I doubt he is making up the things he is telling you but I also think they are probably passing emotions from the other children. Kids get over stuff fast, might feel something one day or hour or minute and have it change the next. It sounds like he is doing just fine. Maybe start to arrange some out of school playdates for him to solidify some of the friendships will give you some reassurance that he is liked and is making friends.
Hi K.,
Maybe he was bullied at that time, five year olds really don't make that up. Stand behind your child, listen and keep doing what you are doing. You sound like a great mom.
D.
Hi K.,
Seems you will get lots of points of view from different Moms. I have three to offer.
I have had 5 year old's or their parents tell me somebody doesn't like them. Often the child would volunteer, with real feeling, that somebody didn't like them. When I asked how they knew, they would say "Because he won't play trucks with me!" (This other child would like a different center.) or "He plays with other kids!" So my job was to help the hurt child to understand that other children don't have to play what and when the hurt child wants, and yet they can still like them. This is an amazing stretch of understanding for a 5 year old, who is by nature, ego-centric. Then I would check-in with the child from day-to-day with tips and encouragement.
Secondly, children usually tell the truth about their feelings and perceptions, accurate or not. But if they get daily doses of sympathy for reports of bad days, the motivation for reporting difficulty changes, and often the reports increase. So even if you are getting these reports of a bully, after you listen respectfully to the complaint and deal with it, also be sure to ask "Who did you play with?" "What did you two do?" "Who were you nice to today?" That way conversations are well-rounded and acknowledge there are many children to play with.
And lastly, congratulations for alerting the teacher. It is possible that any number of things could be causing your son to feel this way. She should be able to observe if this is situation unique to these two children, or if there is a pattern with other children. Her observations will provide you with feedback to help your son.
Take care, Rose
My daughter just went through the same thing at her preschool. She came home telling me that her 'best friend' told her she didn't want to play with her ever again, and that she never wants to sit with her, etc.
Kids this age are very 'black and white' about everything. If they don't want to play right now, "I never want to play with you again" is a common statement. It doesn't mean that it's ok, but it's a normal stage in their development. They are learning about how their words affect other kids, and now's the time to draw boundary lines and talk to your son about how to handle it.
I encouraged my daughter to say something like, "Ok. Let me know when you're ready to be friends again." And I did speak to the other mom about it (we've gotten together for playdates,etc.) She said she had no idea this was going on. The teacher also had no idea, which told me that it probably wasn't as serious as my daughter had made it sound. I think if the other boy is a true bully, the teacher would have witnessed several incidents already.
Good luck, and hopefully your son will recover quickly and happily!
