Wanting to Vent and Welcome Comments

Sorry, Traci, this is not a good marriage. That much anger and hostility does not bode well.
Get thee to a counselor and have a lawyer on stand-by. go without him if need be, but this is really hostile. If the average wife were in bed and saying yes, the average male would be there in nano seconds.
Coupled with his other hostile behavior, I say you have a problem and it will only get worse. He may be looking for an excuse to leave.

You say you are married to a great guy. Well, his actions certainly do not indicate that. How long has this sort of thing been going on? How long have you been married? If this is something new, then you'ed best have a firm talk with him because there's something on his mind and it might be something you won't like. As long as he can put you on the defensive and can make you the heavy, he will. He sounds pretty selfish to me and certainly not very considerate of you.

I can't imagine any guy not jumping up as soon as the woman says lets go at it! Unless he is very selfish and only wants it on his terms! Hey wait a minute, is that my ex- boyfriend you got over there? LOL! Good luck

Have you ever spoken to him about how this is hurtful to you and how it makes you feel unimportant? If not, start the conversation tonight. Also, as much as you wanted to "punish" him, all he heard was, "She doesn't love me". Men associate sex with love and if he's not getting it, then he feels unloved.

You had me cheering for you until you said, "I get irritated and just wanted to withhold sex to punish him." Not nice, but you know that and that is why you did it. Not having sex because he is failing to make you feel like a priority is one thing, but doing it to "punish him" is not productive for anyone.
I don't think that you are alone in this. I know I've been there. I found that withholding sex didn't hurt him as much as it hurt us. I love sex. What I would have done was probably just say, "well, ok, but I think that you owe me extra 15min." ;) and you have to take me as I am. I usually get what I want, and what I need, and get my point across.
It works for us, it took a while to let it go, but it just isn't worth the fight for me. I prefer to spend the fighting time making up I guess. LOL. Really though, at least with my husband, he is much more open to constructive criticism if it is sprinkled with some humor.
If this isn't your style, there is nothing wrong with flat out telling him that you are not feeling like a priority and that you understand that he works hard at his job for you, but that won't do much good if he is not find a balance. He probably works so hard because he is proud of his job, what he can do with the money, and that he feels needed.
Again, just my opinion and what works for me/us. I don't claim to know the whole situation, and of course, counseling can never hurt and really just works to help a couple understand how the other person communicates.

hi traci, i can relate a little bit with your story! my better half does the same thing. except it's always on the computer! he would come home eat and then get on the computer while holding our son. then when i would go to talk to him to see how his day was he would be taking extremly long breaks to answer me...and it was very frustrated. so one night i just talked to him and told him that i don't mind him getting on the computer and checking e-mails etc. but there comes a time for me and his son! he has now slowed down and waits til we have spent time together and waits til after our son goes to bed. he is actually the one who puts him to sleep every night! so my advice would be to talk to him and then "remind" him. i had to tell him things like dinner is fixing to be ready so if you don't mind rapping everything up so we can have dinner ready...etc. i hope this helps!

I can't say I have been in your shoes but your story brought back memories of me and my husband acting in much the same way.

I was very frustrated and got the message, with the slamming doors and all, that he was frustrated too. We ended up going to a marriage counselor. Most of our frustration was based on lack of communication. We worked a lot on improving that communication.

I don't know if lack of communication is your problem. There was only one response I read before I started typing. I agree that you need to speak up. Something like putting a note right in front of him, or on the phone base, with, maybe, "I'm all ready, but, baby, I'm hungry now and will "go cold" in, like 2 minutes. Come and get "it" while it's hot. Otherwise, I'm going to the kitchen."

I'm not the kind of person who can think of clever lines like that in the spur of the moment; but I bet you can prepare yourself with a few generic ones. Once you have stated your expectations, that should help. I mean, you spoke up and left the choice to him. If he is unhappy with his choice, that's for him to work out.

Good luck.

Hi Traci,

I'm sorry your going through this and certainly understand the need to vent every now and then. It seems like you and your husband need to clearly set expectations with each other. From your story, it sounds like you had a clear understand of how the evening was going to go but somehow your husband didn't have the same understanding. Did you want to have sex too, if so, then what is gained by withholding sex from your husband? I actually don't think it's a good idea to withhold sex as a punishment because I don't think having or not having sex should be the result of good vs. bad behavior. I'm not saying you did anything wrong b/c timing is alway up for negotiation and his actions certainly communicated that it wasn't on the top of his list. Right now your hubby's upset but you don't really know why, so let him cool off and then ask him to talk about it and set a plan for communicating through these things going forward. If you having to wait on him is upsetting, tell him and tell him why. Tell him what his actions communicate to you and ask him if that is what he's intending to communicate. I find when I let the little things build up without talking about them, then I get really upset and overreact to something that isn't really that big of a deal. Not saying that's what you did here, just letting you know that you aren't alone. I hope that you guys can work this out to be something positive for your family. Blessings!

I think letting him read this would be a good way to let him see how you're feeling. He might not even get passed your entry and hopefully he might read it and see how juvenile he acted. Men think differently than us, which is not a crime, so to get across to them what you're feeling has to be on a different more common level. Sometimes sitting down and talking to them only gets there "hackles" up and instead of listening they are ready to defend instantly or are just going to do the old standby and act like they are listening to make us happy. That's why, when I'm really ticked off at my husband, I will write him a letter. It seems to sink in better when he reads it or at least will kick off a REAL conversation. He might have some things that he's feeling or like my husband (below) it might just be a miscommunication. The freaking out and throwing stuff is, I'll agree with the other ladies, WAY TOO EXTREME. Is there something else going on that's stressing him out and he's not telling you? Is he just reacting? Find out. If he says it's just work then tell him he can tell you about it but you're not going to let him take his frustrations out on you or your household. I do think he needs to take a good look at how he handles his anger before it bubbles over too hot sometime and he does something you both will regret.

I did read you're "venting" to my husband because he kinda does the same thing when he's "waiting" on me. Your venting gave me a chance to point out to my hubby that he does this and gave us a chance to clear the air a little. It always annoys me to no end when I'm ready and he's standing there on the phone. But I also realized from what he was saying about why he gets on the phone is because he's just innocently killing time. No harm there. I've also told him in the past that it annoyed me when he stood around bugging me about how much longer I'd be. So he's doing what I asked him to and just staying out of my way. I guess in this I'm a little at fault because I'm not announcing that I'm ready with flags and trumpets blaring. My husbands words were, "I can't read your mind so you have to tell me." When I see him on the phone I'll start fiddling with something else until he's done. By then he's snipping at me, and I'm snipping at him because we both have been waiting on the other. We came to the conclusion that I need to open my mouth more and tell him I'm ready. Between you and me, and the entire mama source community, I have told him I'm ready before, I know I have, but I think now I'll take it a step further and just get in the car. Give him a couple minutes then I'll honk. I love to annoy him that way, but that's just our relationship. But I wanted to say thanks for opening the door for us to have that conversation.

I hope everything works out for you. If you think he's still a great guy then he probably is. Trust your instincts. Men think differently then us and its time more women realize that and work with it instead of fighting it. We shouldn't expect them to understand us when we don't bother to understand them. But in the same breath, if he's reacting in violent ways, even just slamming doors it is a warning sign that there are anger issues happening. He's trying to vent them out. And by leaving he took them away from you but that doesn't mean he's handling them.

Good luck. Try to talk. Try to understand his point of view and what's going on in his world but don't be a doormat.

Let us all know what happens.
Jen
http://www.mommysjoy.com

First, let me say that I'm sorry that you and your hubby are butting heads right now. Marraige can certainly have it rough moments. But obviously you adore your hubby and that both of you have some pinned up anger - you withholding sex for having to wait and him storming out the door b/c he didn't get what he wanted on his time-frame. Obviously his reaction to you withholding was over the top (but all of us go over the top sometimes). But with a child in the picture he has to learn to cool it. I would first address that with him and let him know that acceptable behavior before the baby is not acceptable now. Also, explain to him why you did what you did. make sure he understands that you are tired of waiting around and really make an effort to get ready quickly for him. You may want to try an actual time. like next time you get ready say "I'll be done in 30 minutes. I'm expecting you to be done with your emails/phone calls by then b/c that's when I'm leaving." That way both of you will be expected to stick to the approved time. I hope things start to go more smoothly and keep us updated on progress.

I can relate. When my husband would get mad at first I would feel bad and think that if I had just waited a little longer everything would have been fine. Well I got tired of waiting. One of the times he blew up I jumped back at him with everything I had been feeling about it and let him know that if I was just going to be a beck and call girl then don't waiste my time. He was a little caught off guard with that and asked what I was talking about. I layed it all out there about having to always wait on him even for sex and if I was going to be the last priority on the list then I wasn't ok with that and maybe he needed to evaluate his priorities. This lead to a long discussion of me laying everything out. He very rarely does it anymore after we had that conversation and we have even spiced it up a little by either doing rold playing or trying different positions. If it had happened once I would say you were over reacting but if it happens often then you need to sit him down and tell him and make sure he understands where your coming from.

I just wanted to add something. I read a couple of the responses and I don't agree with still having sex. I don't see it as you withholding after waiting on him. It's called "No longer in the mood" I don't believe in giving in just because he's your husband. Days have passed of putting out any time your husband wants it and only when he's ready. One of my questions was who is he talking to on the phone. Is it a buddy or work etc? Either way you should let him know how you feel and how his actions make you feel. If that doesn't work then yes you should consider counseling. Some men, like my husband, aren't always prepared for a family. My husband and I got married at 28 and he hadn't ever really had responsibilities other than a few payments. We've had our fights but he is willing to learn and wants to be a good husband and father. This may be the same situation with your husband but you have evaluate the situation.
Good Luck
M.

it sound like you both need a little time together without your daughter. Life is short, your daughter will grow up and go on her way...your husband whom you love will be there for you if you both take time for each other now. Divorce isnt an option...take time for each other...the dinner can wait, and the baby can wait...your husband should not have to wait. When you withhold sex you are also punshing yourself. it sounds like if you were having sex you would not have a need to write this email...unwind...laugh a little, smile, a little, enjoy life, we only have one shot at it. :)

Hi traci,

I think you received some great feedback here! I just have one thing to share. For some reason, alot of ladies have a problem with speaking up. I have come to find over the years that we, as wives or significant others, have got to speak up at the moment when the guy will see the big picture. Just like when a child makes a mistake and you can't wait an hour to address it, we have to think the same with the guys. Of course, the hard part would be to keep our cool and address it without placing hard emotions, like anger in it.

Now, if your relationship is pretty common, I can only imagine that you don't have much time to chat about everyday things. A perfect opportunity to do this is when you are getting ready to go out. Sometimes when I want to chat with my hubby cause I have not had a chance to catch up with daily things going on, he will sit in the bathroom while I get ready or we will get ready together and chat and gossip. It's one of our alone times. I agree with another comment that as long as baby is safe in a playpen or crib, she will be A-okay for 15-20 minutes. Plus, either could pop in to just check up on her every so often. But, it's little times like getting dressed that the communication can open up. Plus, it will prevent him from going off on a tangent and starting on something else that could always wait til later. Didn't he realize that the guy is suppose to be the one waiting up for the wife to get done, not vice versa! He must not have gotten that memo:)

I give you major praise for wanting to share intimacy with hubby the right way! He should be greatful and appreciative for the extra mile you went to please him. I am the same way! I can't just hop in bed and enjoy it, if I have other things in the back of my mind. Yes, I am all for sponteneity, but sometimes we want just a little more. Had I been in your situation, I would have gone right up to hubby and just started to tease him so that he got off the phone right then and there. Seriously, he could have just called back whoever it was. Now, had he kept right on talking, we would have had some serious issues.
There will always be alternate ways to address marraige issues, but it's how we do it that will make the difference on whether it becomes clear or not to them. They may hear what we are saying and not listen and it continue on or they can hear us and understand our POV and do their best to not let it happen again. All we can ask is that they try to do their best, we can't MAKE them change. But, after a while, they will get the picture after we point out what they are doing that we don't approve of. That is why it is important that we address it as soon as it happens. It paints a real picture for them and they can't think back and say that they didn't do that or it was not done the way we are explaining it.

Good luck!!!
M.

Well it sounds like normal marriage stuff to me. But it is just the kind of thing that can get under both of your skin. I say talk about it. Don't let it go because all it will do is just build more and more and turn into something way bigger than it really is. If you feel pushed aside a lot, tell him rather than punishing him when he is looking forward to being with you. He may feel held to a standard of perfection, you never know until you guys talk and get into agreement. Listen to this, I drank some soda in the fridge one time that my husband had earmarked and it was world war three! Turns out that growing up in a big family he never got to have his own anything at times. Now that he is a grown up he likes being able to know things in the fridge will be there more than 15 minutes! I was raise with just my mom so I didn't have that experience at all. If something ran out, just go to the store for more, no biggie. Anyway, until you talk you won't figure out why you each reacted the way you did. You might have been hasty in changing out of your nightie and he might have overeacted by leaving. Anyway, humble yourself and talk to your guy, you will be glad you did:)

I totally understand your frustration. But I have learned that using sex as a system of reward and/or punishment does not work, and actually causes more damage. Sex is a neccessary component for a healthy relationship. The only cure for your problem is communication. Talk to him about your feelings and then remind him every time he does this. Also, men seem to be more receptive to communication right after sex. So, get your "needs" met, then gently bring up the subject!

Hey girl, I truly understand. You have alot of GREAT comments/advice. Don't sit on this till your heart is done. I know this personnally. If you want this relationship to be a true US, keep your self respect and don't let him not respect you. Very important, seek the help in learning to productively communicate, while there is still true love & repsect. I fell in love, married, & had kids with a controlling, emotional man. It wasn't real prominent at first, but escaladed through the years (18 yrs). I always thought if I just backed up and gave him a little space and time he would come around. I became the emotional punching bag til my heart could take no more, and I was not respecting myself. To follow, my kids didn't think they should respect their mother or each other. SO it perpetuated his behavior. I have had to really stand up and say enough, I need to take care of me. I taken back control of me and the kids have really come around. But the "marriage" is done as he can't and never will be able to deal with me being this way. This is after 2 marriage counselors in 1&1/2 yrs (he would never go or listen through those years to go seek help), but it was too far gone by then. Seek the help now. You can't change him or you, for if either of you HAVE to do that, it is hopeless for your marriage. Can't get the communication to work between you together, seek the help. Bless you sweetheart, & best of happiness.

I guess his mother never taught him how to respect her timetable. He's not a child, but he acts like one. He wants to have everything served up to him when he wants it, regardless of how it inconveniences others. I think that he can be taught how to treat you with respect though, which is where this is going if you don't treat yourself with respect now. The book, Boundaries in Marriage should have all that you need to learn how to gently teach him what respect for you looks like and your marriage will be happier for it.

I'm sure this is very frustrating, but you should NEVER withhold sex to punish your husband.

Have you discussed this with him? Have you told him why it bothers you? If it were me, I would have gone to him and told him, "I'm ready, so get off the phone." If he still made you wait, I don't blame you for eating. I would not have sex hungry if he couldn't get off the phone. But perhaps instead of holding out completely, you could have explained to him that you were eating because he was on the phone. If he still wanted to have sex, then he could eat with you and do it when y'all were finished. Then explain to him how it feels to hurry up and then wait for him.

I just think talking is much better than punishment through withholding sex. I also think y'all need to talk about his storming around the house and then leaving. That sounds incredibly angry. It sounds like there is a lot more going on.

Have you tried to look at it from his point of view? He is waiting around all day wanting some time with you. You made it clear that he had to wait. Okay. You already know his habits. When he is waiting for something (whether it is for you to get ready to go somewhere or to take a shower) he finds things to busy himself with to fill the time. When you got out of the shower and were ready for him, he was on the phone. Your own expectations were that he would be there, ready and waiting. He was still on the phone. Maybe he was caught in a conversation that he couldn't just dismiss immediately to get to you. He already made it clear that he wanted to be with you. When he does get off the phone and can be with you, you are already out of sex mode and have moved on to getting dinner and are withholding sex. From his point of view, you made him wait all day. He made you wait 15 minutes and then because of that you took it away altogether. I am sure without you even stating it here that he knew by your tone of voice and body language (also the fact that you had changed) that he was not going to get any. Withholding intimate connection from your partner as punishment for being a bad boy and it made him angry. He is frustrated because it seems like you are playing games with him. He is not going to take it out on you so he vents in a physical way by slamming doors and throwing things. He realizes in the midst of his rage that he needs to remove himself from the situation, so he leaves.
You stated that you constantly rush around and hurry up for him. Why? You didn't say that he was rushing you or saying anything to hurry you along. You said he finds something to do to pass the time. He obviously seems very content to find something to do. Take your time. He isn't showing any appreciation for you rushing and you are frustrated by the fact that you are the one having to wait on him. The only behavior you have complete control over is your own. Maybe if you take your time and don't rush, it won't feel so frustrating if he is still doing something when you are ready to go.

Sounds like he is in need of anger management classes and a good kick in the rear end. Just kidding! I would like to comment though on something you said. If this is "typical behavior for him" he may need a therapist. I would hate for him to get angry enough to do something stupid and hurt you or your daughter. Just my opinion, please don't take offense.

Hi Traci,

Lots of good advice here at least you know your not the only one that goes through this. I have to agree with everyone here. You only punish yourself if you take sex away, communication is such a big key and normally you have to spell it out. They cant read are minds even though sometimes it would be nice and I am sure vise versa lol..If you know he will be late to the date just get ready 15 minutes after he ask that way you wont be early and you just might meet at the same time. I think though you need to communicate with him, it will save you in the long run and at least you will know where he is coming from. You will learn a lot about yourself and him just talking about the things you need to. I wish you the best. Good Luck!

As a woman going through a tough spot in my marriage this is the only advice I can possibly give and hope this helps. I agree with pretty much everything everyone else has said but have a couple things to add. Arguements whether about dumb stuff or not, eventually it can be damaging to a marriage. Don't sweat the small stuff. Definitely speak up and communicate with your husband and find a happy medium. As women, we would like our men to be loving and understanding but as women we have to remember it is our nature to carry that role in the relationship. I am certainly not one to give advice right now but have been doing a lot of reading and trying to understand myself and how I react to certain situations and can better improve upon that. Someone has to let go of their pride and give up the prize of being right and if neither one of you are willing then no one becomes happy in the end. Withholding sex as many have said is not the answer. Appreciate that your husband still desires you and take every advantage of being intimate with each other. Especially with a little one around finding the time for each other is not always easy but very important. Never lose sight of being a husband and wife as well as being a mother and father. Make room for both aspects in your life. Talking to your husband and figuring out a way to make everything work for all is the key. There have been a lot of excellent suggestions you can take into consideration. Hope you are able to get through this and continue on being happy. Best wishes to a lifelong happy marriage.
From one wife and mother to another, M

You did not say what kind of work your husband does, he sounds like he likes to control things and this is one of the things that he is doing. He has not grown up with the responsibility of having a child, that needs attentions now. He needs to talk with some other fathers and see how they do with this problem. You both need to talk with each other and a third party would be nice also. The child is loved by both but they also take up some of the private time that you both had before that baby came along. This is what needs to be settled with on his part, you have gotten there already. This is a group problem. Hopefully he will be able to deal with it. Good luck, Oh this is a problem most couples have it is not a new one. Been there.

Traci,
I am no expert on relationships, but I will say that verbal communication is so important. Maybe your husband needs you to lovingly explain how you feel (have you done this yet?) I totally get how you might feel. Isnt he supposed to know the proper way to act and how you feel? NO! He is a guy. If you start using sex as a weapon, be prepared, because, that is hurtful. When we hurt people, they tend to hurt us back. That really isnt what you are trying to do, is it? Love is is the answer. Right?
Good luck.

This is my husbands 7th marriage, so he's been through basically everything a couple can go through.
I suggest first get your back up plan together:
call a divorce attorney and prepare for a divorce.
Just the basics collect check stubs, financial paper work. Hide this a brown folder taped under a drawer is good, or take the bottom drawer out and simple lay it on the floor.
Then:
Talking, with a few guide lines:
No baby in the house
NO raised voices
NO walking out
You only express your feelings
He only express his
REMEMBER NO YELLING
Address this as a meeting to decide if you want to be together forever or not.
Me and my husband have learned that we can't argue, because we both go for the juggler. So we don't argue. If we disagree; we simple state it(once) matter of factly, and the other person says nothing, then taking the time to see their side we come to a agreement. It is kind of simplified this way.
We respect each other, and love each other, and could not live with anyone else.
BOTH OF YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO STAY TOGETHER, NO MATTER WHAT.
Lots of Luck

Maybe u should talk to ur hubby about how u feel(easier said then done)u don't want to make him feel like he is not desired and u want to feel like a priority n be appreciated. so please talk to him. sex may or may not be that important to u but if ur hubby is like most of the males i know he wants sex even while he'sleeping.I hope that everything works out for u and ur family.
I think it is a very good ideal to have ur hubby read these responses.

First of all, don't ever withhold sex as a punishment. Believe me, it will only backfire. Your husband seems like he has no clue what's going on. Wait until both of you are calm and then discuss how you're feeling with him, without accusing him too badly if at all. Next time, while in lengerie and he is on the phone, go sit on his lap and begin kissing his neck. Remember, you only waited 15 minutes - he's been waiting ALL day. This seems just a simple case of Man vs. Woman. You are not thinking the same nor expecting the same and you both are thinking mostly about yourselves. You misread each other and take it all personally. There has been a glitch in your communication and a little bit of resentment on both sides that probably stems from a lot of little stuff adding up. Shake it off. Discuss calmly. Try to come up with a compromise and signals that you can both offer to help communicate. I highly recommend the book by Dr. Eggerich - Breaking The Communication Code, as well as Love and Respect. www.loveandrespect.com Your husband was waiting and longing for you all day! You wait for him a little bit a lot of the time. Most men understand what you're going through. Remember, you love him, he gets sidetracked, he is worth the wait. Be proud of yourself for being ready on time and then sit and enjoy that magazine you never have time for. You could be putting up with something a lot worse. I'm not trying to downplay your frustration, just trying to put it in perspective. He probably won't change, but he will probably try once he understands your frustration. You both feel disrespected right now. Don't let that emotion control the conversation. Keep to the facts and discuss and listen as well. This is so easy to work out. You can do this!

No offense but if he were "such a great guy" he wouldn't be so immature & inconsiderate. You must tell him what you told us. He may do that unknowingly. I feel my hubby does that to me (minus the sex part)...when I'm ready, there he goes to that computer! & So I wait & wait & wait. I'll say something like "are you done in there? I thought we were going to go 10 min. ago" or he'll be playing a computer game or checking that all important email. Sounds like your hubby needs a reality check of sorts. Tell him what you told us. Don't "yell" or say it in a loud tone if at all possible although I know it might be difficult if he's throwing a tantrum. I would wait either it happens again or if he asks. You may need counseling if it persists. Good luck!

Sounds like you two need to have a weekend alone. Then during this weekend, no phone, no computer, just you two.

Give him all he wants, then have a discussion, about how you two can work out a plan for sex. Yes, sometimes it is scheduled!!

I have told my husband , Please have patience within me. I have patience with in you.We have concluded to NO MORE ARGUING, NO MORE SLAMMIMG DOORS.

We love each other and need a loving relationship. So do you.

Who told you he was a great guy,HIS Mother?

Hi Traci,,
are'nt men just a holes if he walk out i think it's best he stay's gone till you can settle this
good luck L.

First of all... he is a disrespectful jerk.

Second of all...sex is never something you use to gain anything in a relationship.

There is something else going on behind the scenes. He may be having work or financial worries but the two of you need to be on the same page.

I believe very strongly that you teach people how to treat you and he may not realize how troubling his behavior is to you. Tell him and if he still doesn't get it then you really have a problem.

It sounds like he does not realize he has been making you wait on him. He probably has no idea and does not understand you either, so why don't you sit down with him and be honest. He needs to hear that you are upset for trying to please him and then how frustrating it is for him to make you wait. If you talk with him he will be more aware hopefully and you need to take your time more and let him see how it can be frustrating having to wait on you. But first try talking with him and see if that helps, then go to plan B and make him wait. He sounds like a good man but he is also getting frustrated with your behavior because he needs to have you let him know why!

Hi Traci, I know I'm answering late, I didn't read but 2 or 3 responces but I just want you to know that withholding sex is just adding another problem to the ones you already have and things will go sour really quick. We as individuals see our own side of things and think that others can see our view. Sadly not true. We all must look at circumstances from another's point a view. You have to nurture your relationship, like think on the things that brought yall together. It also sounds like and I say from experience with my first child.........my husband well ex would say that I pay more attention to our baby. Well in my view I was right and he needs to get over it. Well as I just pointed out I'm divorced from him now. His mom would tell me that point when we were having problems and I really didn't get it but thinking back and I gave my ex alot of attention till we started a family. You need to get a sitter and date your husband, you need to put him first. Your child when she grows up is going to feel more secure if she knows you and dad are a strong tower. You'll have a mess later own if your child or children since that they are put first, thats alot of stress on a child they begin to feel that they are the glue that holds the family. They need to see that ya'll are one and they can't go to mom because dad said no or vise-versa. When they see that and that mom and dad go out sometimes without me will make them more secure and also free to live their life when they are older. About the story the other night I'm sure you could have come up with a better way to sex your husband up without your daughter being neglected your letting your husband feel like your daughter is all that matters. Not thats what you feel but its how he's perceiving it just like your perceptance of him. I'm not justifying his behavior and it makes me wonder where he left too and if he's manipulating a fight to get to leave. Thats what my ex would do when we kept un-nurturing our relationship. He'd go out with the guys and then in the end of the relationship he started cheating, I know you don't want that it is so much better if you let your kids be raised in a home where mom and dad understand each other. I saw that you talked thats great, ya'll need to keep it up. Letting each know how you feel, you'll be suprised to find that the other had no idea how your perceived something. Think of something he liked that you did for him when you were dating and do more of those things. If you serve your husband he will want to start serving you if you don't and you withhold sex your asking for trouble. I went to a marriage retreat onetime and the speaker said that we got married before God, he ordained marriage and that sex is a gift for married people and that it is very wrong to withhold sex one being that when you got married you gave your bodies to one another, I hope you understand that part without it sounding like you have to be a slave its not like that but honestly if you start caring about the others needs and not yours like I said earlier the other will WANT to meet yours. Good luck Tracy and Happy New Year

My husband is a lets go and I do the same thing - rush to get ready and then find out he is doing something that has to get done right then. I noticed his father is the same way. I called him out but now expect it. If he gets upset that I am not ready when he is I let it go. There are so many other things in the world to worry about. If it does to get me then I say something.

As for the blow up by your husband - sounds like something is bothering him and you not being ready when he was just added to his frustration. Talk to him. You will learn a lot.

I brought up some very sensitive issues with my husband - our lack of a sex life - after a few times he finally opened up to me about what was really going on. Our relationship is strong because we talk...

Talking is the best medicine sometimes. Good luck.

I agree you should talk but one thing I found that works better, at least in my relationship, is to wait until the smoke clears before having "the talk". If you are both still angry you will be in offensive mode and it will be hard not to play the blame game. Try keeping your voice calm and really try not to "attack" him. Try not to say "you always" or "you never" just let him know how you feel when certain things happen.

Maybe something like...I get so excited when you ask me to get ready so we can go do something together that I hurry. The times that I find you on the PC or phone when I feel it should be time to go, I get my feelings hurt and feel less important than the things you are doing. Maybe a way we can keep me from feeling this way would be for us to decide on a time to leave and we can both make sure that we are ready at that time. You can check your email and make your phone calls while I’m getting ready.

You also need to think about what it is that you really need from him emotionally and very clearly tell him. Ask him to do the same for you. Marriage is hard enough for us to try to guess what the other needs. And we as people usually try to love our spouse the way we want to be loved. That doesn’t usually work either. I noticed that you are staying at home with your child rather than working outside the home. If you use to work outside your home before your child came, your emotional needs have probably changed.

I know all people and relationships are different, hopefully this works for you too. BTW…I agree with the others who said not to withhold sex. If you’re not giving it to him that means your not getting it either and what fun is that? :o)

I'm sorry to hear that and I understand what you are going throw. When I was married to my ex that happened a lot too. Have you taked to him about what he has done and how it makes you feel. I did and it got better little by little, but when he dose that what you should do is go back to the bedroom and ack like you are doing something. Have him come get you. Take your time on getting ready. But Talk thats what makes it work.

Wow! Sounds like you two have a lot to talk about, TALK being the operative word here. Did you ever sit down with him and discuss your feelings about being made to wait? I always like to share something that a marriage encounter weekend taught me. When you have a complaint, always voice it like this: "When you __________ (make me wait after I hurry for you), it makes me feel like ___________." This is very non-confrontational, and your spouse can't argue with your feelings, even if they seem a bit irrational.

Withholding sex to punish him is not a good idea. Men don't look at sex the same way women do. Besides, it's like playing a power struggle game with him. Guys really resent that, and it can have far-reaching negative affects on your marriage.

SO--my advice is: 1) Apologize for YOUR behavior. What you did was wrong. 2) TALK to your husband. Let him know how you feel about all of this. 3) Ask for his suggestions on how to solve this problem.

You two need to work together to be more sensitive to each other. Stop trying to "win", and start cherishing each other.

Hope this helps.

Wow...I thought this kind of stuff only happened in my house. This is all too familiar. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Having a child is a serious adjustment and takes a lot of work. Things are never going to be the way they were before your daughter was born, but hopefully it will be better than before.
I know I always hate when people ask me this, but, have you tried talking to your husband about how making you wait bothers you?
Maybe once he understands what you see from your perspective, he may become a little more sensitive. Maybe he doesn't understand why you want to take a shower first.
I know how hard it is to find time for sex, especially when you've been caring for a small child all day and night (literally).
The first year was very hard for my husband and me. My daughter is almost 18 months now and things are getting a little better now. We had to have several discussions over the last 18 months.
I hope things get better for you both.

Wow. That is some seriously passive-aggressive behavior. You two need to talk about this, but do it when you are both not mad. He needs to know how you feel and you need to listen to his side of things to make sure you understand his perspective and see if the two of you can arrive at a mutually acceptable compromise. The only thing there should be no compromising about is his slamming things and storming around and your silent treatment. That is extremely counterproductive behavior by both of you. If it devolves into a fight, you two need to bring a professional third party into this.

Hi Traci,

It sounds like your husband needs counseling.

Peace,
C.

Hi Traci,

I'm sorry to hear about your frustration. I've been with my husband for 10y now and can tell you we've been through it all, lol. I can tell you that over time things can get very routine and comfortable. Communication is the #1 key here in my opinion.

I have found over the past 10y talking with my husband can sometimes be challening. I find when we try to have a conversation about things, mostly me trying to talk with him about what is upsetting me, I find we end up in an arguement. I try to stress my concerns/feelings and his defense mode goes up, especially about sex.

My suggestion would be to write everything down on a piece of paper, explaining the issues and how it makes you feel. Either read the letter to him or give it to him to read. Then discuss the issues. That way you have expressed your feelings, your being heard. So important for us woman/mothers.

This has been very helpful with our relationship and I hope you find the same results. My opinion is "Communication in a relationship is the key to happiness" along with many others things of course.

Also if I may make another suggestion....Perhaps you are comfortable with his actions the other night(although I doubt it), I know for a fact I would not be. I grew up in a very violent/physical family to a point where us kids were placed in foster care. My step dad and mother threw things, etc. and it only led to more serious conditions. Holes in the wall, broken objects and of course us kids getting in the way at times while objects were thrown. I know your daughter was asleep, but whose to say when he has one of his angry moments she wont witness and/or quite possible get in the way by mistake. Of course if would be a total accident and I'm sure he would feel HORRIBLE, however at the same time his behavior is NOT acceptable. In my opinion he needs to channel his anger in other ways to avoid future catastrophe. I have a 23m old son and am 23wks pregnant with boy #2. I wouldn't want either of my sons to hear or witness this behavior. This is typcially a learned behavior and he might have some underlying issues he needs to deal with to avoid future outbreaks. Since your daughter is young enough, if I were you I would try to put a stop to his anger issues asap.

I hope you don't feel that I've over stepped my boundries. I hope if anything this helps you in some way. Good luck to you and your family.

Merry Christmas!

It looks like you've received alot of good advice - communication is critical. Be ready to accept his point of view on the situation. When you ask about showing your husband the responses, is he the type that is open to you discussing your relationship with others? Many men feel their wives run and "blab about their problems" bcuz they don't have the same need to vent as many women do. Maybe if he understands you sought anonymous advice so he doesn't feel like you made him look like the bad guy.

I think you really need to rethink your priorities. by doing all the other stuff and ignoring your husband he moved on mentally away from sex. i don't blame him at all for being mad.

you have to make the time for each other; children or otherwise. by telling him no and doing other things you are telling him he isn't important enough for your time. then when you are ready he's already doing other things. then you have the right to be mad at him?! i think you really need to look at this from his point of view, not yours.

by changing your clothes your telling him once again - NO not interested. it's okay when your busy and doing other things but not when he gets tied up after waiting all day for you.

by his reaction it sounds like he has reached his limit with this. you should really make/carve out that special time for you both. whether it is a movie, sex, cuddling, whatever.

i really hope you read this and try to look at this from his point. if not, things could really start to go downhill fast.

How often do you "punish" him for not jumping to your commands? Was it worth it? I doubt it. Sit back and take a long look at yourself and your own actions before you can judge him. Why didn't you invite him into the shower? If you make a man wait, they will get distracted. Walk into the room naked next time and go sit on his lap. Don't motion from the door like a Commander telling her guy to come service her. I would have walked out too. He "punished" you by staying on the phone longer. And funny thing neither of you got what you wanted which was intimacy. Quite the opposite! Both of you need to grow up. It is this kind of hurtful behavior that TANKS a marriage over time. I am sorry for being blunt. I hope that both of you can look past your own selfish wants and see the other person's side. Take and honest look at yourself. Good luck to you. CB

hey traci!
your husband sounds like a spoiled brat! does he think the world revolves around him, and when it doesn't he has a tantrum?! you poor thing, how do you even get in the mood to have sex...when all he does is think about himself? obviously he is clueless. i guess we women should always expect our husbands to be mind readers...so is he clueless, or selfish? it's good you're addressing it now...b/c you can have a lifetime of this behavior. i think you need a night to sit him down and let him know that when he puts you on the back burner...it's irritating and a turnoff! he needs to start treating you as his number 1 and not some joe schmoe better than you. stand your ground...remember you teach people how to treat you. best of luck to you!

I was just curious, where did your husband go when he left??? Don't make sex a punishing tool. Talk to him, explain to him how you feel and what you need. You've been home all day and would like to get some attention also.

You have had scads of responses that I havn't read, but I have to recommend the book "For Women Only" I can't remember the author. But, it is an excellent book, talks a lot about men and sex and it was very enlightening for me.

Early in my marriage I tried using sex as reward/punishment and it does not work. Men have their entire ego wrapped up in their sexual relationship with their wife. For us girls, not so much.

I think you are a great wife to be concerned. I am sure it will all work out and then you can have fabulous make up sex! :)

I think everyone who has kids has experienced this...and if they say they haven't, well....they are probably stretching the truth a little! I have 3 daughters - 18,16, and 12...so I can definitely relate to not having enough time in the day. Then, when you do have time, they don't or you are both tired. My advice would be to make time for you and your husband to be alone...get a sitter and have a night out. Let your daughter stay the night with a family member so you can relax and not be worrying about her waking up or needing something. Talk to your husband and establish how you feel. He may feel the same since you have both become parents recently and much of your time is taking care and entertaining your daughter and not him. Above all else, communication is a huge part of a good marriage and once you start a family it becomes a challenge...the kids take you ten different directions once they get school age and older so now is the time to work on it! Good luck and please know you are not the only one who experiences this!

Sounds like passive aggressive behaviour- he's trying to prove he's boss (or something). Or he's just thoughtless. Doesn't matter what it is, though, if neither one of you talks about it. BUT - don't wait to talk about it when he has already made you mad. When he is available one day- drop whatever it is you are doing and bring up how it feels to be made to wait all the time. He may not even be aware he is doing it. Slamming doors and "punishing" each other won't help.

Hi, Traci. I'm a therapist and have some input for you. -

1) I don't hink it's a good idea to share info from this site bc I think it could make him very defensive that all these strangers are talking about him and he'll want to blame you

2)He's angry, stressed perhaps. Try to find reasons why. Does his family behave in this way? Is he overworked? Is this getting worse or about the same? Lots of possible factors here. Talk to him about how he's doing rather than listing off the things he's done bc he'll get defensive and not listen at all

3)When only one spouse works outside the home, it throws off the equal partners thing and can build resentment

4)I think the time and making you wait issue is passive aggressive and demonstrates that he may at some level feels like his time is worth more. He likely doesn't even know he feels this way.

5) Counseling would help, but if he isn't willing, gradually get your power back, calmly tell him there's a double standard, that he can be upset but to be aware of how that can hurt others when he physically demonstrates it. Encourage time in the gym (to get it out), time with his buddies or to pursue his interests and regular date nights with you.

Obviously, I could say more but I hope these help for now.
Sincerely,
M.

Oh my gosh, a lot of his behavior sounds so much like ME!!! Not the slamming things and throwing things stuff -- that's a guy thing, I think -- but the wandering off track and getting lost in some random task that just happens to come to mind. My husband tells me he has the same frustrations with me as you do with your DH -- he is ready to go and finds me sorting through papers, writing an email, or making a phone call, and then sometimes HE is (again) the one who slams out the door. Funny how the guy winds up doing that one no matter which side is the one who has trouble staying on-task! :-) Anyway, I am just now being evaluated for adult ADD, and sure enough, I have a fairly pronounced issue with being able to keep my attention on a particular task, am easily distractible, and have a very short memory for certain things that makes multi-part or complex tasks very difficult for me. That's really all I have -- I wonder if maybe you are dealing with a pattern of behavior consistent with ADD. I notice there are some books out now for partners of folks with ADD -- if you suspect this could be your situation, perhaps you could leaf through a book or two like that at a library or a bookstore, or google around to see what you can find.

I wish you all the best -- if your DH is anything like mine, if this is an issue for him, getting him to consider seeing someone is likely to be a bigger chore than getting him out the door for the appointment!!

fondly,
M.

I must agree with some of the other comments on lack of communication, especially if unable to get his attention away from his timing on what you had mentioned.
Hubby does not walk in your shoes when timing counts at your end.
You are also allowing him not to help out like with spending that dad & baby time, do not allow him to be selfish here. I do not care if he had an all day at work routine, if he has time to wind down for sex, computer, phone, etc., he has time to help get baby ready for bed so that y'all would have your bonding moment, works both ways.
This will help cut down at your end so that you could be ready for him.
Times when you are ready and he is at the computer or phone, whispering in his ear, indeed "hey sexy, I'm ready" or some type of a sexy nasty message or begin some type of foreplay so that he could get the message and hopefully this will do the trick. Get frisky and bet he will cut off his time with whoever he is with on the computer, phone, etc.
Trust me, computer, phone, etc., will be put on hold and anyway's he'll probably get back to them afterwards seems like. What counts is you won over the computer, phone,etc.

If you are making time for a bath, get sexy and he does not, seems it is just about him. Really do not want to make him sound like a bad guy, do not know him and this sounds like some typical guy thing.
Plus him storming out, this is the child within a man always use to having it his way, once again selfish going on here but of course he does not realize it.
Punishing him from sex could redirect to other unwanted behavior behind your back.
You are going to have to find ways to please him sounds like it.
Another suggestion, since your daughter is 12 months and is ok playing around, the timing you know she will be fine, if you have a playpen with some background like favorite tv/video show on and you already know your husband's needs or he'll get into his mode again.
Hate to say this but you might have to skip some of the bathing and getting dolled up and just do it when he ask knowing baby is safe where she is at. I know this avoids the romantic mood but, really sounds more like what he wants, whenever he wants it, until that communication of him understanding happens.

If you do not become a detective on working around this, then Dr. Loev is a Licensed Professional Counselor

Irv Loev, Ph.D. 7300 Blanco Road, #201. San Antonio, Texas 78216. (210) 340 - 0270 ...

http://www.solutionsbydrloev.com/contact.htm

Good luck on your mission on solving and saving your marriage, really it works both ways or he could stray away. This is one of those issues that must be addressed before other excuses occur and builds. Hope something helps and sorry to be blunt on things but you can do it, be strong, redirect some of his behavior around your needs too.
You cross this hurdle, you have him wrapped around your finger to please him but also able to redirect some of his ways where he will appreciate you giving him your time because right now it is all about him.

My husband does the same thing--we did sit down and talk about it and came to an agreement that is fun and makes us both think about our actions. If he makes me wait on anything(whether it be going somewhere or chores around the house)he has to give me a massage or give me time alone to relax. I irritate him by always focusing on the kids and never initiating time for us, so if I get caught going to long without making time for just us I have to give into something he wants. It sounds silly but beleive me it is alot of fun to catch him and get my reward. He never fights my reward because he knows it will lead to sex. We found a way to think about how we treat each other and still found a fun way to enjoy each other.