Well, yesterday was my first Mother's Day ( I have a beautiful 9 month old girl), and it was not exactly anything special. I had told my boyfriend for weeks (bringing up several times so he knew I was looking forward to it) that all I wanted for Mother's Day was to sleep in. Of course I was still planning on getting up and feeding, chaning, and taking care of whatever my baby needed as soon as she woke up, but I was hoping to be able to go to bed and get a few hours of sleep (I haven't had more than 4-6 hours of interrupted-because I'm breastfeeding-sleep in over a year). I was truly excited and looking forward to my nap, and let him know many times. So, we both celebrated with our mother's on Saturday so that I could have Sunday to myself with him and my baby. Friday night, he takes a sleeping pill and goes to bed earlier than he ever has (around 11 p.m.-he's a night person and usually stays up till about 3 or 4 in the morning, which means he sleeps in till about 1 or 2 in the afternoon except when he goes to work or school, then he sleeps till about 11) so that he could get up early to drive the 45 minutes to go spend the day with his mom on Saturday. He gets home around 1:30 a.m. and doesn't go to bed that night until about 5:30. So, Mother's Day comes, I get up around 6 with our daughter-she's an early bird-and am very excited about getting back into bed after I take care of her needs. So, I feed her, change her, hold her a bit, then I take her back to the bedroom to pass her off to my boyfriend. He wakes up, plays with her a little bit (still in bed), then looks at me and says, "So what are we doing here?" I just stared at him and said that I was going to bed like planned, and he was getting up with her. He then says he's too tired because he didn't go to sleep till really late and that if I insisted on him getting up right then, he would go to bed right when I got up and probably want to sleep the rest of the day. I was furious so I just took my daughter and left. He went back to sleep, till late that afternoon. Originally, I hadn't planned on going anywhere because I wanted to be home and relax with my baby, but I was so angry, I decided to go to my mom's, who wanted to make me dinner-even though it was her mother's day, too. So, I told him when he got up that we were going and asked if he was going too, he said yes, but said he wanted to take me out to lunch to make up for this morning. I had calmed down by then and thought it was sweet that he was at least trying to make it up to me, so I said yes, I would call my mom and tell her we would go over for dinner instead. I got dressed, came out to the living room and he said we can't go anywhere because there was an A's game on and the Braden (pitcher) was pitching a perfect game. It was the 8th inning and he did not want to miss it. He said it never happens and he was going to watch it-no going to lunch for me. I told him, unacceptable and he looked at me shocked that I wasn't being understanding. I went and got undressed (because I had already changed plans with my mother to dinner-so had to wait to leave) and he came back there to ask me to watch it with him. I didn't even look at him and said no. He said I was being very selfish today and walked back to watch the game. After this huge essay, my question is this; was I being selfish by wanting a nap in the morning for once? For being upset that he offered to take me to lunch to make up for it, and then cancelled because of a baseball game? I'm not as angry anymore, but I still wonder if he has a point here?
I want to thank you all for your comments and advice. I really appreciate it! And I have to say I agree with all of you; he's an ass! :) I don't normally question myself in situations like this when I know I'm right, I think I just wanted some support and to have what I thought repeated back to me by others. I have always told him that I do not care about holidays like Valentine's Day or even my birthday and don't need to celebrate it or do anything special. But I felt that because I had made it very clear that Mother's Day meant something to me, that he would take that seriously and make an effort. I never expected what happened yesterday. Normally, he surprises me by planning something special anyway-he's always been very sweet and considerate-even on my birthday when he knows I don't care about celebrating. I almost thought he was mad at me about something and that's why he was acting like that. But I have to admit I am questioning whether or not we should continue to be together if this is how he's going to act. We have been through a lot and I have always tried to show him that I appreciate what he does for us, and he's done the same for me (at least by telling me), but yesterday was really disgusting to me. I was more hurt by him making such an effort to make sure he could go spend the day with his mom on Saturday and not caring about me. I have always felt that I'm not very high on his list of priorities and we will have a talk about it. That's going to change or it's over. I'm not one to put up with it especially now that I have a daughter. I grew up in a house where my mother was severely disrespected all the time and I will not allow my daughter to grow up seeing that happen to me. Thank you all again for your support!
no. you were not being selfish. He was being a jerk -- way worse than normal selfishness. no grown man, a father at that, should treat the mother of his child like that on this of all days. He's a JERK.
Men always want to agree to a plan....riiiiight up until the moment it's suppose to happen, and then they have different plans. lol. I'm so sorry you had a bum day! Remember it on Father;'s Day. Pretend you have no idea what day it is!!
Here is my take. I might be too harsh but...
If you do not plan on marrying this guy why are you living with him? He may be the father of your baby but he is showing complete irresponsibilty on his part in this relationship.
MOve back in with your mom for a while, get a job and move on with your life.
I skimmed through the other responses and I'm surprised I'm the only one giving you this reality-- he doesn't respect you and you should not be raising your daughter to watch a man treat a woman like this. I have no idea which is the scenerio here, but...
1) Either he is the father of the baby and if so, why did he not have enough respect to marry you?
2) He is not the father of the baby, in which case you have not been dating very long since your baby is still very young, so why are you living with a man who would treat you like that?
WOW!! Second time today I've been gobsmacked! It's some kind fo record.
If we were to go by this behavior alone, and not knowing any other things about him except this small bit of information, I would peg him at roughly 17 years old. No matter how old he is he needs to be getting on board with things not always being about him. This is a big day for you and a first. If he tried and just came up short I would say talk it out so he knows next time. That's not the case, so I am all for the revenge part of things. I would get so wicked. He sleeps late so I would totally take advantage of it to wake up early and procede to turn his world on it's ear.
I would hide every cable cord, remote control, set of keys, phone and cell phone, the computer if it's a laptop and the modem if it's a desktop, I would clear the house of every concievable piece of food that he might find appetizing and then I would take my baby and leave for the day. Let him wonder. I would leave a note for him that said, "Happy Father's Day and Back Atcha".
That's mean. I feel vindictive. I probably wouldn't do it. But I would do something and it would be diabolical. I know vengeance is supposed to be the Lord's but I swear I would be justice smacking him down like the hand of God.
I have to agree with most of the other posts. This guy blew you off, on Mother's Day, not once but twice and you are wondering if he has a point? I don't think he has a point, but I do think he was sending you a message. He told you, with actions rather than words, that your wishes, needs and desires take a backseat to whatever whim he has at the moment. I don't know him, maybe he really is a terrific guy, but I doubt it based on what you have described. And honestly I am more worried by the fact that he seems to be able to make you think that you are guilty of the exact behavior he is exhibiting. What's going on with that?
You deserve better than this.
Sorry to say this BUT....
If you plan on marrying this guy, you'd better get used to him treating you this way. Once you get married things don't get any better. He is obviously a narcissistic type personality, one who ony thinks about himself and not others.
Girl you were not being selfish. It was MOTHER's DAY afterall and you weren't asking the world of him, only a little nap. Stop second guessing your feelings and opinions and start standing up for yourself!
I wish you all the best!
Honey, you have more than a point....you have reason to be livid! I must tell you that if I EVER had a Mother's Day like this with my husband and two children, their might be hell to pay. We work hard everyday taking care of our children. The feedings, the diapers, the baths, walks, playtime. It's more than any desk job or physical labor could ever be combined. I know this because I have worked outside the home and I was also a stay-at-home mom for six years. Those six years were the hardest work I have ever done....and the most gratifying. Your boyfriend needs a serious wake-up call. I'm not sure this guy really sees that what he has done is completely disrespectful and really immature. How old is this guy? He is selfish, not you. He needs a huge dose of reality. You might want to let him know that there are women out there who look forward to Mother's Day and he might want to start with you! We take this day very seriously and desrve to have a much warranted and much needed break. I'll be perfectly honest......if my husband ever did this to me, he would have the most memorable Father's Day in history. MEMORABLY MISERABLE! Star planning the heinous event for him right now. You have a month to work up the most immature, selfish, irrepressibly thoughtless day ever. And when you're finished...hand him the baby and take a nap! Maybe that will shake the leaves off of that dead tree.
I can't believe you asked that question. He would've been wearing an A's game. My husband knows that this guy pitched a perfect game and it's only the 19th time in history it's been done. Do you think he spent mother's day watching it? Heed the warnings honey, he's telling on himself. C., this is your future, unmarried with three kids and raising them by yourself while "daddy" does whatever.
Doesn't seem to me he has a point. He sounds like a very selfish person. Especially since he offered you lunch and then changed his mind. That's really crappy. I don't really have any advice -- maybe someone else will -- but I just wanted to say he was the one who was a selfish jerk. NOT YOU!
Just remember that Father's Day comes after Mother's Day for a reason.
I would want to clobber this guy with the first heavy object I could get my hands on. But being a pacifist, I would restrain that impulse and instead employ a wonderful technique called Non-Violent Communication. It can really help, and by that I mean get everyone's expectations into better alignment. Because humans tend to keep doing what they do unless they have to change, this process helps gently initiate change.
The steps include considering both your own needs and the other person's with attention and compassion, and stating your observations clearly and respectfully. This means no judgemental language, and differentiating between useful feelings (hurt, angry) and unhelpful concepts built on those feelings (betrayed, abandoned, insulted, etc.) This distinction can make a huge difference in whether or not the other party will even listen to your needs.
Working on two assumptions – that he is happy to be a father and sees himself as a willing part of the parenting team, and that he actually promised what you were asking for – it might end up sounding something like this.
Asking for his feedback:
"Sweetie, I thought you had agreed to watch our daughter yesterday morning. Did I misunderstand? I'd like to hear your side of this." Then repeat the main points of what he says, to be sure you got it right. Ask for corrections, if needed.
State what needs you hear him express:
"So, I hear that you needed the freedom to do what you want on your own schedule, and that included sleeping in yourself. You didn't think you actually agreed to my Mother's Day wish?" (Or maybe, "For you, Mother's Day was about your own mother, and some day our daughter will be the one to observe my Mother's Day, do I have that right?"
Non-judgemental observation:
"You know, because you told me you would watch our daughter, I was so looking forward to a Mother's Day sleep-in. When that didn't happen, you offered to take me for lunch to make it up to me. But when I changed my plans and got ready to go with you, you withdrew that offer, too."
Feelings:
"Both times, I felt happy that you seemed to want to please me. Both times, I ended up feeling surprised, hurt, frustrated, and furious. I am confused when you offer something, but then don't follow through."
Needs:
"I need to feel supported in raising our daughter. Motherhood is hard work, and I am drained. I need to know I can depend on you to keep an agreement, just as you need that from me. I want you to care about my needs, and remember all the ways I please you and meet your needs." Or perhaps, "I need more participation from you. I need you to adjust your schedule so we're not always sleeping at different times."
Make a request:
"I need to know what to expect from you, so please don't offer anything to me that you aren't really sincere about." If appropriate, you might ask him for a make-up sleep-in morning. Or possibly, "Will you tell me in your own words what I just said?"
That's the general process, and once you learn it, there's a lot of flex in it. It has made positive changes for me in some difficult relationships.
If my starting assumptions were wrong, and he was not happy when you became pregnant and never actually promised to let you sleep in, then there are deeper problems. He's probably behaving in a passive aggressive manner, and counseling might be your next best move.
I wish you all the best.
It really sounds to me like he was the one being selfish it's Mothers day for crying out loud the mother comes before the baseball game. He was clearly informed that you wanted to sleep in so then it was up to him to get sleep so he could give you that. You don't offer someone a gift then take it back because of something you want at the moment that is immature and selfish. I would be considering if this is the kind of boyfriend you really want.
By the way there is a great book that has blessed me with more sleep than I otherwise would have had it's called "Good Night Sleep Tight" by Kim West the sleep lady covering helping children develop good sleeping skills from birth to 5 years old. Hope this helps
I only skimmed the other answers and I can already tell we are all going to side with you on this one. I for one AM one to say mother's day is not that big of a deal (the actual date, to me personally, but I understand that other moms care very much about it) but this is inexcusable. I almost didn't read your post when I realized it was about mother's day. All day there have been all these sad and disappointed moms on here and it just makes me so sad for all of them. So many of them have stories of inconsiderate and forgetful significant others, and that just isn't right. But yours to me is worse, because he KNEW what he was doing, he KNEW he should have let you have your nap, and he KNEW he was cancelling on his plans to make up for it. This isn't a case of him not getting your hints. You have every right to be furious, and you should not let him off the hook. I am sorry you had a crappy mother's day. I hope the next one is better and I hope you get that well-deserved nap soon. (((hugs)))
you said boyfriend, not husband. I would probably consider his ability to help with your baby and meet family needs before you are considering him husband.
I think I would have loudly explained exactly what day it was. I don't know if he is trainable, but if you explain to him exactly what he did that hurt you and he doesn't get it, I think I would have to think seriously about the future. Does he have a friend or family member you could talk to about this? If my husband pulled this on Mother's Day, i would tell his sister about it and believe me, she would make him understand what a fool he was. Father's Day is coming up, you could get even and tell him so, because he is dense, he will need it laid out for him.
You were not being selfish at all! Your boyfriend was being EXTREMELY selfish & immature. You sound like a great mommy to your baby girl, by the way! Your feelings are normal, your wanting to sleep in is normal, your wanting a special day is normal...you deserve it! He should have made it happen. I think he should make it up to you somehow...maybe celebrate Mother's Day with you next weekend, let you sleep in, take you to lunch, etc. Don't let him guilt you...you deserve all those things you wanted on your 1st Mother's Day.
He knew he was dead wrong and that's why he tried to turn it around and blame you for being selfish. It's so unbelievable but if you been reading the day of and day after posts you are not alone. I wonder if his mom knew how he behaved would she be mortified she raised such a lazy, selfish boy. Sorry it wasn't what you wanted and I think you should ask for a do over and make next Sunday Mother's day and tell BF to get with the program.
Ew, what a total jerk, I am so sorry! Just wanted to let you know that your point is totally valid. Please don't put up with any more immature behavior because you don't have to! If he can't figure out how to act like an adult, then a future with him in it needs to be reconsidered.
No, you're not being selfish. I would be mad too. In fact, you are a better person than I am; I'd still be angry with him and will continue to be angry with him up until he provides me with with a heartfelt apology, made up for the "non-Mother's Day" that he had planned for me, and I felt completely comfortable that he understood what he did to make me upset and was extremely and sincerely apologetic for putting himself first on my very first Mother's Day. But that's just me; I don't suffer fools gladly.
I hope that you can work this out with him for both you and your daughter. Your boyfriend may just be super casual and not understand what his new role as partner and father requires. It may be up to you to educate him.
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You're not selfish, your boyfriend is a huge jerk (stronger words come to mind but I'll keep it clean). My husband has pulled some of the same things but not all in one day, and not on Mother's Day of all days. I think you should still be mad at him, its only the day after. You need to tear him a new one, in my opinion.
On Mother's Day I made my husband get up at 6am with my son, which he didn't want to do and said as he dragged himself out of bed "today is gonna suck." Because we both went to bed late and of course he would be tired. I got to sleep til 7:30 then had to get up and drive an hour. Then go to his grandmothers for the day. Whoopty doo. Men are often selfish idiots. You deserve to sleep in just once.
My husband has also cancelled plans with me for a sports game, which is the most annoying because he won't remember that the game is on until that very day. And then tell me the game is on like I'm supposed to know that already, why am I even asking him to go somewhere? Like he didn't agree to go the day before...
It certainly doesn't sound as though your boyfriend is very respectful to your wishes. After all he played a part in having a little one. You had repeatedly told him that you would get up but enjoy going back to bed after you did most of the work anyways'. It was your day, he knew it and was selfish in not making it special. Especially with your first. Then to negate on taking you out to lunch, well that was a slap in the face. It was very nice that your mom invited you over for dinner and I know you respect her for that. However your boyfriend has to start thinking as a father not a single man. He has responsibilities as well. I don't like to say what goes around comes around but Fathers' Day is coming and I'm sure he will have alot of requests'. Have them go unnoticed and see how nice it feels. Even a bouqet of flowers would have made you happy with a nice card to a First Time Mom!! I'm sorry darlin' but he has no point here at all. I am not trying to sound arrogant or putting him down however, "yes" it was your day and he should have tried harder.
Take care and I hope all turns out well.
men are idiots. my husband is a mild case of what you just described. i did get to take two hours off for mother's day, during which i went to a cafe, had lunch, and actually read my sunday paper on sunday. but when i got home, he handed me the baby and said it was my turn. even if i did do something equally as selfish on father's day, he is so dense, he wouldn't get it anyway, so why waste my precious energy.
No.
And well, Father's Day is coming up next month....
Are you being selfish???
On father's day, I would get up take care of the baby, then head out for some time to yourself for a few hours. Get a pedicure, have lunch and a cocktail with a friend, then come home and go to bed as soon as the baby's ready. Leave him a coupon on the counter for pizza.
Then ask this question :)
