We Have Fallen Out of love...should We Stay Together for Our Two Boys' Sake?

Amen Riley and Christine.
Those "in love" feelings always go away and you will have these exact problems with another man+the drama of blending families.

I think you need to find a counselor. Marriages have their ups and downs. When you got married you made promises to each other. Why even get married if you can just up and walk away? Rediculous. This is the reason my SO and i are not married because so many people make a mockery out of marriage.

I didn't read responses, but...

1. I highly recommend trying harder before you call it quits for good. See a marraige counselor. Talk to someone. Together.

2. If you still feel the same way, NO, staying together for the kids is not a good idea, imo.

I don't say this to be nasty...but you sound a little immature to me.

Marriage is not all hearts and rainbows and flowers.

What you're experiencing is LIFE.

Life often involves unpleasantries, work and sacrifice.

Your husband is working hard right now to provide for your family. It doesn't sound like he's out in the bars or golfing--he's at work for Pete's sake!

On very rare occasion, marriage is 50/50. Most of the times it's 90/10, 20/80 or whatever.

I'm sorry but I feel too many marriages end b/c the people involved confuse "the daily grind" with "we've fallen out of love."

Good luck whatever you decide but how green is that other grass, exactly?

You obviously are both overwhelmed with stress and pressure of a young family with a new baby. My pastor once told me, and I've heard him repeat it several times in conversations, that he loves it when someone coming to him for marriage counseling says that their problem is that they aren't in love anymore. That is the EASIEST thing to solve.

You and your husband should consider counseling. And you should have a discussion with yourselves and each other about what love actually means. Love is not a state of mind. Love is a verb. Love means doing loving things. So, you can get yourself back into that state of mind most people call love, by DOING loving acts towards each other. If your mental state isn't in it, so what? Just DO them. Pick out a nice card for him while you're grabbing groceries and leave it for him to find when he gets up in the morning (we always leave our personal cards on the bathroom faucet- the first place you go when you get up- what nice way to start the day!). Think of something nice to say to him each day when you finally do see him. Don't start in on him about this or that or the kids... just express your joy at seeing him home. Make him something he likes to eat.
Start small if you want to.. it really doesn't matter. Just DO things FOR him. Loving things.
When you get into the habit, and so does he, those "lovey" feelings and state of mind will start to return. And as another poster said, those feelings tend to ebb and flow. You will not always stay at the peak of romantic feelings like when you first fell head over heels. It just doesn't work that way.
And while many will disagree and say that "staying together for the sake of the kids" isn't the way to go- often from the perspective of kids whose parents did just that, I disagree in your case. Many of those kids (now adults) parents had far more issues than just "not being in love anymore". I suspect there are a great many former children, now adults, whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids, who don't even KNOW that that's what their parents did.... because they managed to get back to that love. Not the fluttery heart kind, but the kind that is stable and constant and supportive and generous and ... well.. you get the idea.

No, I think you should stay together for your MARRIAGE'S sake, not the kid's sake.

Marriage takes on a life of it's own. There are highs and lows, the 1st (and most common) of which is where you're at right now.

The Baby Years.

Which in hindsight are a flash of light. Everyone else has covered what you (already know) you need to do to light a fire under your marriage si I won't repeat it.

Hang in there sista, the time just FLIES!!

Positive thoughts,
:)

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my answer probably not be the popular answer but yes i think you should stay together. it might not be as bad as you say..lets face it once kids enter the picture time together becomes obselite. i would write yourself a letter to remind yourself why you feel in love in with him the first place. then do something romantic for your husband without expecting him to do something back. Remember when you got married you said for richer or poorer thru sickness...you are just going thru a dry patch it will get better.
i think so many people see marriage as disposal if it doesnt work out. good luck with whatever choice you make.

whoa hold on for a minute, you just had your baby seven months ago of course life is miserable for a while; newborns are such a handful it will take a toll on the most perfect marriage out there, add to add your oldest who you say is a handful and your husband works long hours, it's just too much too fast to take it all in.
I honestly think, eventhough I don't know you, I think it's not that you don't love each other, I think you are both overwhelmed with responsabilities right now. The responsability of raising two human beings, the responsability of keeping a household, the responsability to work on your marriage It's just a lot of work everywhere and NO break
If I were you I would stop all talk about divorce and instead go to counseling together. If counseling is absolutely out of the question for lack of money or time. Then wait till you go back to work and I bet you will feel different; you will be away from the house for a few hours. You will be relieved economically somewhat since you're bringing in income and you'll be more relaxed when you pick up your children because you haven't been 24/7 with them.
As for now, please just take it day by day, even hour by hour; try if it's possible to get help from family or close friends, even a neighbor could help you out. You will be surprised as how many people will be willing to hold your baby for an hour or two while you get some rest or spend some quality time with your oldest.
I have two children too so I know the responsability is overwhelming sometimes but don't rush any decisions, or make any decisions while emotions are running so high. You're more bound to regret it later.
Happy Holidays!

Here is an article that details why staying in a "good enough" marriage is important when you have kids. I encourage you to read this article.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-marquardt/why-you...

You just explained all the things that life is all about in the early years. You just had a baby! Of course your not all butterflies and flowers right now. What you really need to do is have someone come and watch the children and go out and get to know your hubby again, same with him! I mean marriage has tons of bumpy roads in it. I am not inlove with my husband 24/7, really sometimes I want to lock him out in the cold. But I do love him, waves of in love trickle in when I least expect it to. Time to work on your marriage, give it a chance to mature. I think you should really try. I believe this is one of those things that just happen in life. Raising children, working husbands, you feeling alone. This is what happens, then you see light at the end and your hubby really is not that bad, he works hard like you. Make time to makeout!

I don't think for one minute that you 'fell' out of love. You feel tired, torn and as you say confused. This will pass. Really. Hard to see the end of the fiery tunnel when you're in it. But you will get there. You and he sound so logical. You had a discussion about how you don't think you really love eachother anymore? How did you have time for that discussion? I think you both need to wait it out and then decide. This is the most prevalent time for divorces when people have little ones. You are reestablishing your roles in life. You need to let off some steam -fun steam with your husband. If you aren't exotically crazy in love with him, go get a Frisbee and play that while someone babysits. Sounds like you have the workings of a great marriage. Marriage is not all about having sex twenty four hours a day in silky negligees. It is about being the other's friend, it is for example about my husband holding me when my body was ripped apart after having a hysterectomy faced with uterine cancer. Not about the times when we sat in a car and made out for a half hour. It's about holding someone's head over the toilet bowl when they feel sick and the next day still thinking how cool they are. Stop all this thinking about what's best for the kids. The best for the kids will be parents who are together. (not if he beats you or something then-shove him out the door yesterday), but parents who are together and show a united front. These little people need two parents. Go back and remember things you were able to do before. (no,not make out in the car). Good stuff. And remember we ourselves are always changing. You might be lonely now, but the financial climb will help you in the future. You are also responsible for making your own 'alone' time. No one walks in and goes, ah ha, you need to be alone I will get you a private jet and watch your kids-now off with ya! You have to find babysitters, or make a plan during naptime for the boom, boom, or just take two minutes on the steps and go at it. Sorry, I'm older. And now let me tell you one more thing, I am a new empty nester and do not like it one bit. My boys are out and my husband and i have more alone time than I ever wished for. So be careful. You do not need to make an immediate decision. And if you are alone now, you will certainly have a hard time juggling children in a divorce situation even if you get remarried.

It doesn't sound like you have fallen out of love, it sounds like you have gotten busy with your lives, and not made each other a priority. With a 7mo and a 2.5yo of my own, I am also currently in the "roommate" situation, too. I haven't been able to fix it yet, but have not considered divorce, as I know it will get better. Faster if I put some effort into it.

If you were fighting and the situation was a cruel, unloving one, I would say DON'T stay together for the kids, that is never a good reason to stay, but it is a good reason to try, especially if it is a healthy relationship.

Why not give it a year? You know that the financial stress will be less when you go back to work. And it gets easier as the dependence of the little one is less. Is there anyway you can get away , even for an afternoon? Just to spend some quality time together. I think that is all you are missing and will realize how much you do love each other.

Don't give up, and just realize that this is a phase. It will get better, for both of us.

Just about everyone with kids, have experiences something similar. You say yourself, "I think if we really try, we can work it out." There's your answer.
You two work on your kids and finances, but don't work on yourselves, or each other. Of course, you will be out of sync and loose your friendship. Relationships, don't just float along and stay strong...simply because they exist. It takes HARD work, to make sure both spouses feel fulfilled by the marriage. You are experiencing very normal marriage difficulties. You have to work to maintain a friendship and loving relationship. I think the divorce rate is (partly) so high, because people give up...even when they have very manageable problems.
You stay together, for your marriage first...and so you don't give your kids a broken home second. Your marriage can be healed with some work, don't give up. Why would you throw in the towel, before you even try?
Go to counseling. You can gain the skills needed, to work on restoring your relationship.

We have a 4 yo. It is hard to work on a relationship while trying to get through the day with little ones. Sounds like you are both on your own tracks and the marital relationship is the last thing to get any attention. That is totally normal. It is not screaming at you or expecting you to work overtime, etc. I think a lot of people just let it go and do their own thing. My husband and I were doing that for a while (he works and travels constantly and I am a SAHM) and recently got back in the swing with each other.

I think many people have unrealistic expectations. You aren't in love with each other or are you just too tired and expending too much energy on things other than the 2 of you? It's not going to be like it was before kids. The carefree days of early love and romance are gone. Now you have a beautiful family and you need to come to a new understanding of your reality but that doesn't have to mean settling for an out of love relationship for the sake of the children. I think people are way too quick to consider divorce bc they no longer get heart flutters every time they think of their spouse. You need to work at it, to find the joy in each other again. If it is a case where you've just drifted apart then you totally can, but not if you are stuck thinking "we're out of love." If you are thinking that your choices are black and white: divorce or stay in loveless marriage, you are approaching this all wrong.

What worked for us was a heart to heart about our expectations, frustrations, etc. My husband finally heard me. We were open to hearing each other. Overnight we changed our relationship. For us we were in our own thing. I was angry at him bc I wasn't feeling heard so I was snapping at him, he doesn't do that so he was just pulling back from me. It was a vicious cycle. I'd snap, he'd pull back, then I'd snap again. Not helpful at all. Of course I wasn't feeling amorous given that and certainly that is very important to a relationship. I think we both finally opened ourselves to hear the needs of the other person and then were able to be totally honest with each other and we really got the spark back. But we were open to it and in no way were we thinking about divorce. I just wouldn't do it so lightly. It is not the future I want for our family. Try to get a handle on why you fell in love with him and try to be open and honest when you both have some time. If you can get marital counselling, do that. Seriously, you will not be improving your life by divorcing with 2 little kids. You are still post partum and sleep deprived. If you guys can get together with the goal to stay together, then you probably can work it out. But you can't expect it just to go along without any work. Good luck.

I didn't read all your responses, but here are my $ .02.

You don't say that you have any major, insurmountable obstacles in your marriage. You don't say that your husband is abusive an any way. You don't say that you fight constantly. You don't say that anyone has cheated.

What I am hearing in your post is simply that you've disconnected, which is SOOOO normal. All in all, your relationship doesn't sound all that bad. Yes, you need to make some changes, but overall, it isn't irrepairable, at least I don't see it as such.

I don't see any reasons in your post to consider divorce. What I do see are reasons to get into counseling, or to make a plan with hubby as to how you will get things back on track. How you will *make time* for the two of you to reconnect. It's critical to do that if you want to salvage your marriage... and I think it's totally salvageable. And your marriage and your kids are worth trying.

We all fall out of love. I'm not even married yet, and sometimes I think I've fallen out of love... but what that actually is, is me feeling distant from my fiance. And as soon as that distance is rectified, as soon as we spend some time dedicated solely to reconnecting, I feel that little fire starting right back up. It sounds kind of simplistic, really, but it is true. Moms say it on this site constantly. If you want a relationship to work, you have to work at it. It doesn't just happen. Love waxes and wanes. Relationships go through many cycles and phases. You have to learn, with your husband, how to weather those phases, and come out stronger on the other side. It is possible. But it starts with the realization and acceptance that your marriage isn't always going to feel like the relationship you had when you first started dating. It's just not. But it can get better, deeper, stronger, etc.

Wishing you all the best.

As a child whose parents "stayed together for the kids" I have this to say: Do not stay together for the kids. If you're fighting and you hate each other and you don't want to be together anymore, then get a divorce. The fighting and things that you're trying to hide from the kids, they actually do see it and feel the tensions and if you're trying to hide it, they try to hide that they're in pain.

With that being said, it doesn't sound like you're to a point where you're fighting and you hate each other. It just sounds like life has gotten crazy and with the new baby you haven't had a chance to reconnect. Make it a point to spend time together. If that means you get a sitter, great. If you can't afford one, then put the kids to bed a little early one night and curl up on the couch together. Either way, learn to love each other again. Learn to spend time together whenever you can find it.

Hope that helps.

Hi B.. Yes you should stay together. Not just for the kids, because it is right. Every marriage goes through at some point what you are going through. Your husband may work long hours and not be there to help you with the kids, he's doing whay he is supposed to be doing you right now are a SAHM taking care of your children and your home is what you are supossed to be doing. I know it may sound like i just stepped off the prarie, but I have been married for almost 30 years, and yes my husband and I went through a really rough time, but had we given up back them our children would be part of a satstic, and we woud have robed ourselves and each other of what we have now. My husband was in the Military for the most part of out marriage so raising the kids was mainly my responsibility but I honored that and i had 3, and i made sure things were good with the kids and home so my husband could be away and concentrate on his job and know he does not have to worry about me and the kids. One more thing, loving someone is not a feeling, it is a decision. You said you have a 7 month old baby, so abviously you had some time together. Marriage is not a cinderella story, it's work and sacrifice. you said your finances are tight, well if your husband worked less hours wouldn't that put your finances in a worse state. I have to agree with Denise you do sound a littler immature. make time with your husband, put the kids to bed early and have a late night dinner with your husband, i can't tell you how many times over the years I did that, he loved it and so did I. Hope this helps. J.

Updated

Hi B.. Yes you should stay together. Not just for the kids, because it is right. Every marriage goes through at some point what you are going through. Your husband may work long hours and not be there to help you with the kids, he's doing whay he is supposed to be doing you right now are a SAHM taking care of your children and your home is what you are supossed to be doing. I know it may sound like i just stepped off the prarie, but I have been married for almost 30 years, and yes my husband and I went through a really rough time, but had we given up back them our children would be part of a satstic, and we woud have robed ourselves and each other of what we have now. My husband was in the Military for the most part of out marriage so raising the kids was mainly my responsibility but I honored that and i had 3, and i made sure things were good with the kids and home so my husband could be away and concentrate on his job and know he does not have to worry about me and the kids. One more thing, loving someone is not a feeling, it is a decision. You said you have a 7 month old baby, so abviously you had some time together. Marriage is not a cinderella story, it's work and sacrifice. you said your finances are tight, well if your husband worked less hours wouldn't that put your finances in a worse state. I have to agree with Denise you do sound a littler immature. make time with your husband, put the kids to bed early and have a late night dinner with your husband, i can't tell you how many times over the years I did that, he loved it and so did I. Hope this helps. J.

Is this temporary stress? Do you really think you'll be under less stress if you are divorced? While I don't believe in staying in an empty marriage, if you've only really felt this way for a few months, and have not done anything to try to remedy the situation (counselling, time alone together, restructuring responsibilities, etc), I'd say it is too early to make the decision to divorce. Also, those feelings of crazy love change into something else over time. You're not free and running off having fun and sex all the time anymore. That's what being married with kids is like. Being divorced, during your custodial time, you will still have no one to co-parent in the house with you, and it's quite possible that a court will award him joint custody - do you really want to be without your kids half of the time? This is a lot to think about, and I'd go the route of trying to work on the marriage and figure out what your new marriage is now that you are both working parents, and whether you want that relationship.
Staying together is not necessarily what is best for the kids. If they grow up in a home where the parents do not love each other, they will pick up on that. They will sense your unhappiness. They will also think that this is how marriage is, and behave that way in their own relationships/marriages as grown men one day. Set a good example. Figure out how to have a happy marriage (which may not be the same as the marriage you had before kids) or don't be married.
Good luck

You need to try to work it out. If you try, and it doesnt work, that's one thing, but imagine splitting up your family because you werent willing to try. Obviously there was a reason you once loved your husband, you just need to find that again.

Marriage takes work 24/7. Love is a decision, not a feeling you have. If there is any thing inside of you that wants to save your marriage and make things better then you can rekindle your flame with just a little effort. It's tough having financial problems, being super busy, having young children, but you can take time to have fun with your family even during tough times. Think of ways every day where you can show love to your husband, have fun together etc. Be loving and affectionate. Fight for him! Love him like you've never loved him before. Be creative, read books, do what you can do. Have fun with your kids too. They can sense stress in your home and it effects them too. I've been there too. Good luck!

Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Recently a friend confided in me that by the time he and his wife got to counseling, neither of them was willing to do the work it would take to repair their marital neglect. Now he wishes he had......so here is my message to you: take 5 minutes each day, literally just 5, to just hold each other or look in each other's eyes.

Secondly, stop storing the resentments. You both are working hard. You both have stress. Let it go. If he is a good guy don't just give up. This is but ONE phase of your lives together. At some point the kids will not be so needy and you will have more time. So, no, I wouldn't let go, not now. Recommit and reconnect.

Hi there-

Boy, you and I are in similar situations!! I have a spirited 4yo and a 7m old too! And boy is it hard work without the 'alone' time you mention. I find that even when my husband and I both work 100% around the house, there is still tons of stuff left to do. It leaves both of us resentful b/c we're not getting the downtime we need.

However, we had the opportunity to go out on a date recently. The first part was really rough, with him upset at me because we were late and in traffic. I was almost crying because it was so terrible to be dressed up and vulnerable while he was so negative. However, about an hour into it, low and behold, we started to look at each other with a twinkle and be affectionate. Oh, there was still love there, just trampled by our hectic life!!!

By the way, I work 40+ hours a week, and you might find it's easier when you do go back to work. You'll have a little 'you' time, your husband might not feel the intense pressure of shouldering the finances alone, and you might even be able to hire a babysitter or housecleaning to help. Our day care has Parent's Night Out where they just extend daycare hours, feed them dinner, and we get an night out ($50 for the two children for 5h).

Best luck to you.

I understand exactly what your saying...as I have three kids the youngest 11 months old and I work fulltime too...You just had a baby and a rollercoaster of emmotions that come with the demands of motherhood and normal life. I am not judging but don't give up on your marriage...It is supposed to be a life long committment and unfortunately all marriages hit a bump in the road that we all have to be resloved and tough to work throguh if we care about our families. While your hubby may work long hours etc you both need to make time to sit down and create schedules, plans and communicate about what you both need. I am assuming he feels stressed out too!! Communication is the first step and if anything talking it out and planning is key. My marriage would not survivie either if we did not make it a priority for date nights, schedule planning, work, social committments, kids school, etc...financial planning. You and your hubby need to give eachother grace. This is one of many seasons in your life. I've been there and things keep getting better. Blessings to you.

You're not out of love, your love is just in a valley at the moment. On a scale from 1-10 love is not going to be at a 10 for years on end. You will find that you fall in love over and over again.

You both seriously need to find 'us' time, whether it's just a walk in the neighborhood, snuggling in bed without the children and telling each other how much you appreciate the other.

You both have been living life with two separate goals which is where your divide has come from.

If you are under so much financial pressure why aren't you back at work already?

You can fix this if you really want to.

Peaks and valleys - every marriage has them. You just had a baby 7 months ago, even the strongest marriages are trying during that adjustment period...everyone is tired and stressed and trying to find their new role.

From reading your post, I don't think your marriage is over, I really don't. I think you are just in a "valley" at the moment. You said yourself that you think you could love one another again if you try. So, you need to try.

Good luck, don't give up yet, it really sounds like you can make it if you both put the effort in.

Hard times get the best of us. If everyone went separate ways in times like this, then no one would ever remain married.

Yes, you should stay together and make it work.

Seek marriage counseling, get the romance back in your life. Take time out for each other, visit together every night, cuddle on the couch and watch a tv series episode every night on Netflix. Make a goal together to do something for the other every day (outside of normal things like leaving a special note about how you appreciate them that day under their pillow or sack lunch...) Write a lis of 10 things that you appreciate and enjoy about each other and read it to each other. Reminisce about your dating and early romance, these are all things our marriage counselor had us do.

Some people may say this is a lot to ask, or that they don't have time or money to get a babysitter to go out on a date night... but this is your marriage and life's companion, as well as the stability for your children, it's worth it to salvage it.

Divorce, single parenthood, missing your partner, the 'what if's we tried" would be much more difficult emotionally, physically and financially, than your current situation.

The hormones of your pregnancy and young baby I'm sure has also thrown a damper in things, as well as being under a lot of financial strain.

My husband and I have gone through this about two or three times. It wasnt that we weren't in love we were just so stressed with our lives that the love was put on the back burner and we weren't as sensitive to it.

My husband and I's relationship is incredibly strong now, as we decided to try, and I'm so glad we did! We put each other first, we say no to other things that take too much time from our family, we pray together, we respect each other and help each other... Please do all you can together to salvage it.

Please watch this three minute video about struggling marriages, it will be worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/user/MormonMessages#p/search/1/sQ1...

Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue can really help if you read it together and do the 'homework' together he suggests.
http://www.amazon.com/Relationship-Rescue-Seven-Step-Stra...
Peace to you both!

If you and your husband fight in front of your children, get a divorce now. If you don't fight, then stay married for a couple of years (while going to marriage counseling) and then re-evaluate. I say a couple of years b/c you just had a baby, and it will take at least 2 years for you to feel some sense of "normalcy." You said you go back to work in Feb., so maybe your marriage will get better since you won't be home w/ the little one all day, and will get adult interaction. Give it 2 years (if you guys don't fight in front of the kids), and see if you and your husband can fall back in love. If not and if you really, really tried, then get divorced. Good luck!

you describe a situation which sound very hard. But do you really think your life will improve without him? I think you are delusional. And yes, if your kids are the only reason, it is reason enough to stay together. Your Littlest is still under a year old. It gets easier and you will be able to put more focus on your marriage in a few months. Perhaps you are depressed and everything looks hopeless. Give it some time.

you are at a very stressful juncture in your lives - now if probably not the best time to be making a decision about ending your relationship. It is a perfect time to get some outside help. Talking to a counselor - together and separately if possible - will help you work thorough feelings, expectations (of yourself and your husband - and for him to do the same) and your goals.

it's hard to be a parent. it's hard to be a husband. it's hard to be a wife. balancing all of this out, making time for yourselves, making time for couple time, and everything else is HARD.

relationships are also cyclical. you're not going to be in love all of the time. and that's ok.

big hug to you and best of luck!

DONT GIVE UP!!!!!! Love is a verb....an action word. With 2 kids you have to be creative in how you do it when you are tired and worn down. On the weekend get a babysitter and go rekindle your relationship with your hubby. Make a date with him. Stay up and wait for him to get home... Things are hard right now but dont give in cuz things are hard.

It will be much harder alone as you already know. My hubby works long hours too and when he is home his list of things to do around the house is long... and sometimes I feel resentful cuz all I want to do is spend quality time with him.

Talk to him tell him exactly what you need from him. Tell him you need his attention. And Im sure he needs yours. Tell him you are really grateful for the long hours he spends away from the family trying to support you guys....

It will take some work but show those boys a loving relationship so they can grow up and have one.... Good luck

rough patch probably, sweetie, don't worry and don't give up so early in the marriage. it's probably not you or your husband either, i think anyone has a good chance to feel out of love with a stressful situation such a new family, small children etc...hang in there, it's not over till it's REALLY over. My Grandma (55 years of marriage) said that having kids and focusing on their needs during rough patches help the parents sail through the big waves because it takes the focus off of yourself. If your hubby respects you and treats you with kindness (and you do the same) and especially if you are both committed to the marriage you will get out of this.

I wanted to share my story, eventhough it wan't a happy ending, because I think you might get something out of it. Sorry for the length.

I dated my ex 10 yrs before we married (we met when we were young teens) and we were married 7 yrs before it fell apart. In the end, he felt like he had fallen out of love and told me so. I was crushed and had a difficult time with it because I fully believed in " 'til death do us part", with a few exceptions, which did not apply. We tried to work it out but his heart really wan't there so he left. Our 8-yr-old was devastated and I could barely function.

He began dating 5 months later and even introduced her to our daughter. I did a lot of emotional and spiritual work to heal myself and after a year I felt like I (and my daughter) had finally come out the other side. I met an old friend and started dating him. That's when my ex decided he wanted me back. I can't tell you how furious I was! All along I had told him that this was just a phase. That marriages go through that kind of thing but were supposed to stay together to work through it as a family. When he asked me back he finally acknowledged I'd been right and that he didn't want to keep our family apart any longer. But too much had happened by then. Too many ugly words, hurtful actions and miunderstandings. I simply had no desire to deal with any more of him. I would not put my daughter through a reconcilliation I had no faith in.

We have been officially divorced since July (4th, lol). He is now living with his girlfriend and they have a baby (and I've broken up with the man I dated). I am at peace with it and have a cordial/friendly relationship with them. Still, I don't think the separation and divorce were absolutely necessary at the beginning. Then I couldn't do anything about it because he fully believed he wanted out. My daughter has often said that she would have preferred if we had goten divorced earlier on so she wouldn't have known any different. A child's perspective.

I tell you all this because if you think there is any chance to work this out, the effort is well worth it. My parents who have been married 37 yrs say so. A marital counselor is a must of course, to do the work it will take. On the other hand, if you are both clear you are done, then the counseling is to avoid as much damage as possible. The kids are a reason to finish amiacably not stay, because in the end you will just end up being ugly in front of them. It is more important to model a good, healthy divorce than an ugly, unhealthy marriage for them.

Good luck! You have some major decisions to make. Individual counseling to help you each get clear might help. Blessings.

So I just read a study that said husband/daddy's can also experiance post partum depression. Sounds like you are both experiancing it...
That said, I think you should stay together, as long as you can do it without fighting. You made a commitment to each other when you got married (good times and bad) and you reaffirmed that commitment with each of your pregnancies. Your kids need you both to be in their lives, and the easiest way to do that is to stay together.
I know how hard it can be, my husband is gone a lot and often very late at night. He has two days off, that the company doesn't garuntee will be the same each week and he works at least till midnight at least twice a week. I feel very resentful of my husband sometimes, but I try to remember that this is a temporary stage and eventually the kids will be grown and gone. Time flies, even when you aren't having fun... ;)
Good luck to you both!
R.

It sounds like you both are giving up a bit easy. Love is a decision. So is just deciding that you're not in love or best friends anymore. Divorce will not make your life easier. Decide to love him and tell him to do the same, not just for your kids but for both of you.

If he was being lazy or out with his friends or ignoring his family in favor of a hobby, I would say yes - leave him, if for not other reason than to scare him a little.

HOWEVER. He is out working, contributing to your family in a different way. Please don't give up on your marriage yet.

Your marriage is young. Everyone goes through this. If you bail you will be sorry. Do you want another man raising your kids and another woman? What would life be without him? Would it be easier?
Patience is a virtue and this really goes for marriage.
Next year at this time you will most likely be in a better place and proud of yourselves for weathering some emotional hard times.

Having been a single parent for 10 years, I can assure you that there's a substntial difference between feeling like you're doing it alone and truly being unsupported. If it's a matter of being stressed by your toddler and overwhelmed by having two little kids, I'd recommend taking a parenting class together. Not because you're bad parents, but because you need more advanced techniques. Also, find a way to put more time into couplehood, not just parenthood. It's hard to be best friends with someone you don't see or have great conversations with.

Best wishes,

S. :+)

I'd hope that people wouldn't be naive to really believe family life is anything like the nice movies from Hollywood. Unbelievably enough, it's family life, work, and children that drive couples apart.
I like it when you mention that you want the best for the family and your kids; this is the way it should be. You made a decision and so did your husband, kids are now the results of your decisions (hopefully you decided jointly!!) and they must be paramount in everything that you do going forward. If there's anything that you can do to save your relationship do it now. From counseling to church do it now before it's too late.
The fact that you feel disconnected and alone with your children does not justify breaking the relationship with their father. And neither does the fact that you're no longer best friends with you other half. Empower yourself and find ways to keep your family together, you'll be glad you did!!

Best in the world to you and yours!!

Wow - just read some responses...a lot of good healthy advice out there...I am impressed. I agree, life is not all rosy! You will be confused, tired, sometimes lonely, mad, sad....but also, happy, excited, content and loved in your marriage. You both need to stick it out, you will become closer..the key is honest communication and support. Remember both your feelings are neither right or wrong...they just are. My husband is the "best" and sure my love for him "fizzles" sometimes, however, I think that is normal and we certainly have had our hard times....but watching your kids grow up to be respectable young people makes it all worthwhile! You'll find the love again....it grows and changes as you go through different stages.

How long have you been married?
My husband and I had some major issues around the 3 yr mark... we had just had our 2nd son and we were fighting all the time. We couldn't get along, never spent anytime together. He was either at work or at his friends and I was always stuck at home with the kids all by myself. It put major strain on our relationship. He decided to move out because of the fighting and he said he didn't think he was In Love with me anymore. I started to question whether I really loved him or whether it was just comfortable... So anyway, he was about to move in with a friend and I decided to move from WA to AZ to be with my family. I told him that he could stay in WA or come with us to AZ to try and start over. He decided to come and it was the best thing we could have done!
Stayed down there for 2 years and came back to WA. It has been 4 years since we had our issues and everything is so much better now. Getting away from everything and all the outside drama and people that get in the middle of everything was Great! We were in a new state, where we had to rely on each other. When we were fighting we couldnt just run to a friends house to hide so we had to deal with the issue and each other. After we had been doing good for a few years we decided to have another baby. She is 11 months old! :)

Stay together because you want to and you love each other. Because you cant imagine your life without him. Because you cant imagine waking up or going to sleep without him.
Don't do it for the kids. Kids would rather be from a home with divorced parents that are happy rather than married parents who are miserable. Trust me! My parents hated each other and I am so happy they seperated. If you want to work things out then do it. If you don't and have decided to seperate then do it now while the kids are young and can adjust easier.
Good Luck!

Stay together because YOU WANT TO BE TOGETHER. Doing it for the kids does not solve the problem/differences, the issues will only compound. Over time the destiny of your marriage/family will prevail - good or bad, just do what's best for the kids in the end whether you stay married or part ways.

Welcome to the real world of marriage. The honeymoon is over and real life is here including bottles, lots of dirty diapers and an active 4 year old. Now you have to learn how to divide yourself into four parts - hubby, you, son and baby in that order. Everyone wants to put the baby first and he/she is the least of importance (you change, feed, love and baby is good).

Try to find time for the two of you to sit down and plan a road map of where you want to be in x years and work the plan from there with small and large goals. Once a goal is completed add another one to replace the completed with with a time frame for completion. You will be amazed at what you two can accomplish. While doing the goals put on the calendar date night once a month and keep it unless someone is seriously ill.

As others have said we all hit peaks and valleys in marriage. You did take an oath for better or for worse, in sickenss and in health, for richer or for poorer. Really look at those words for what they mean. Right now you are in the worse because of the finances and a young baby. Learn how to budget and stay on track for a year and then revisit your plan and see where you are. There may be a surprise that you don't need as much as you think to get by and move to the next level.

Just remember there are going to be days you want to know why did I marry this man? But remember he is also saying the same thing about you. Yes we are not pretty when we get up in the morning before our coffee or shower and yet we still go forward and love the other. As my husband says, watch that scene from Mr. and Mrs. Smith where they fight. He says every husband wants to do that to his wife but they don't they just feel like that sometimes same with the wife so you are normal. Life and marriage are all about the small and large things. A good test is a serious illness as it will test all of what you are about to stay with someone and do it unselfishly. It is when the going gets tough the tough get going and make it to the other side. You can do it. Carve out an hour a day for "me" time even it is no more than a bath and you will see and feel different.

The grass is not alway greener on the other side.

The other S.

It has been scientifically proven that the "in love" feeling (butterflies, wanting to spend every waking moment together, yearning for each other, etc) fades in 18 MONTHS to TWO YEARS! You have to WORK at marriage!! In fact, ALL relationships take work! Parent/child, husband/wife, employee/employer, etc. If you have grown apart, then grow back together! For YOUR sake! Do you think it will be any easier to have your kids all by yourself? Or always with him? Or always going back and forth between the two of you? I know I would miss my son TERRIBLY if he wasn't under my roof every night.

Things are hard when you have young kids. Mine are now 10, 8 and 6, when they were very young my husband worked in furniture sales with long hours and boy did I spend some time not in love! I say stay with hubby, work as a team. He has to step up when he is home. If it is that bad go to therapy if you can make time. Good luck. I just hope you give your marriage a chance because it isn't always easy. You add kids, work stress, exhaustion to the pic things aren't always easy and happy just don't be too eager to just leave.

I don't think any permanent decisions should be made the year you have a baby. I had a baby this year as well and I just put up a tree and stockings and not all my usual garlands etc. I wrapped the gifts but put on no bows. I know this may seem unrelated, but what I am saying is the year you add a new person to the mix is a wild, wonderful and tumultuous experience. Two kids is so much more work, like it's mind boggling how much more work there is. I work on laundry EVERY day and I have yet to actually catch up!! My hubby is working harder and more because he feels the pressure to make sure he takes care of all of us. I think you guys just feel disconnected but to actually become disconnected would be heart breaking for everyone and yes, the kids would suffer. However, no-one can stand daily misery. Because you guys came clean and brought this stuff up, I think you need to deal with it bc it's out there. I say go to counseling and try to work on your stuff. There is an awesome movie called Fire Proof, I highly recommend it. It seems a little hokey at the beginning but it ends up having a truly beautiful message. Just think, it was only like a year and a half ago that you guys discovered you would be having another child. You must of half way liked each other to make that happen ;) I know everyone says this, but going out together is really important. We try to make a date together happen once a month and that is tough to schedule believe me!! But it is important. Even if it is just looking at a movie snugged up close at the theater it is a way to just reconnect. Sometimes just some quiet sanity time together pays dividends. Your marriage is the most important thing in your life and definitely worth fighting for. For your kids absolutely and for yourself. He is your partner and at one time the thought of sharing a life with him must have made your heart soar. I pray you will both find a way to hang on and re-kindle the love, passion and commitment that is most likely just right under the surface. I say take the "D" word completely off the table and face that life together is what is going to happen so you will make yourselves deal with things. Best wishes, it sounds really tough and I wish you all the best!!

First, I don't believe that 2 people should stay together just because of the kids. HOWEVER, the issues you state have less to do with your relationship with your spouse and more simply to do with how your life has changed since having children. You have just described my, and probably most parents, lives after having children. If you think you feel alone now, or have it difficult now, being a single Mom will be 1000 times more lonely and difficult.

It sounds to me like the 2 of you have lost your way and weren't quite prepared for how your life would change after having children (who really ever is prepared?). It sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and work out a schedule that gives you each some 'alone' time to rejuvenate and work out a babysitter or something to give you 'alone' time as a couple so the two of you can begin to reconnect again as passionate adults rather than just parents. You are not the first set of parents to lose their way while giving their all to parenting, working & life in general. The thing to do now, is to recognize it and face it head on. You'll need to get your husband on board too and the best way to do that is to sit down with him and ask him how he would like to see your life together.

good luck!

Yes,as long as the two of you can be civil to each other,staying together for the kids is the right thing. Getting divorced just to have your "alone time" might alleviate your feeling of needing more space and fun, but would in turn create so much heartache for your children. It would be like swapping your TEMPORARY unhappiness for your children's LONG STANDING unhappiness. Also, if you think having a marriage without rainbows, flowers and fireworks everyday is hard, think of how much harder it will be when your ex-husband remarries and the kids go to visit him and get used to other woman's rules and parenting philosophy that you might not agree with. I have two friends who are divorced. They have very bitter moments. You just sound like you are going through a rought patch. Hang in there. The really old couples I know have all said there were times when if divorce would have been an option back then, they would have done but now, they are happy celebrating more than 30 and 40 years anniversaries and they are glad they hung in there. Their children are probably happier too because they got to grow up in a two parent home. Don't transfer your burdens to those little kids - you can handle a lot dissapointment than they can.

I think it's very typical to go through this - especially right after a new baby. There are so many factors outside of how you feel - it's tough to say what the real issue is. Only you can make the decision as to what is best for you and your family. Given that the baby is just 7 mos - I'd give it some time and "try" - go to counseling, find ways to get some time together w/o kids etc. Then make a decision a bit later. Good luck!

Just like any relationship, your personal relationship with your husband takes time, nurturing, and WORK! If you stop working on it, you start losing it. A friend of mine said this to me: Do you want your kids to live IN a broken home or be FROM a broken home. When I heard this, I just knew that it was time for us to part ways. Times are very tough right now and I do not think divorce is for everyone. It's a TOUGH ROAD!!! See if you can work on the financial problems and then make a decision. Soooooooo many people divorce because of finances and how it can wreck a marriage. Good luck...

Updated

Just like any relationship, your personal relationship with your husband takes time, nurturing, and WORK! If you stop working on it, you start losing it. A friend of mine said this to me: Do you want your kids to live IN a broken home or be FROM a broken home. When I heard this, I just knew that it was time for us to part ways. Times are very tough right now and I do not think divorce is for everyone. It's a TOUGH ROAD!!! See if you can work on the financial problems and then make a decision. Soooooooo many people divorce because of finances and how it can wreck a marriage. Good luck...

The pressures of everyday life take their toll on everyone. And those same pressures will take their toll on your next relationship, if you split up. Meanwhile, you will have devastated your boys.

No, you should not break up. Do whatever you can to rediscover what you once loved about each other.

p.s. - If you think this is hard, just wait till you end up with another man, and have to deal with him step-parenting someone else's children that he probably won't love as his own, and all the conflict that arises from THAT situation. Let your boys be raised by their father (even if he's not there most of the time.)

well splitting up could give u more time to yourself ..b/c your ex will have his custody time..my ex and i split up 3 months after my son was born..he never helped and wouldn't give any money..but now that my son is older he helps..he takes him saturdays til sunday night and sometimes wednesdays to thursday nights if he's not working..and my son is in preschool 2 afternoons a week so that gives me some breaks..took 4 years for me to meet a new man..its hard to meet a guy when you have children already ..you may have to find a single father..look for a guy who isn't macho..my boyfriend and l joke a lot and l say he's the girl and l'm the guy..he is very patient and helpful w/ my very active son..you need to find a guy who is into kids and wants to help and be a part of taking care of them.
So u may find life easier if u guys split up in the sense where you'll have more time to yourself but then you have to think of your boys too and they'll be hurt if u guys can't work it out.

good luck
xo

dd

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