Wedding Guest

I just don't understand why the son and gf would want to a wedding at all...especially one that they were not invited to and don't know the bride and groom well. Maybe it's just me....but going to weddings can be a lot of work and expense and not entirely my idea of a great night out (unless it's someone very close to me).

I agree with Suz & Queen. This sounds pretty harsh to me. What does her being obese have to do with anything? Sounds like you're not much of a friend at all, if I'm being honest...

I do events and when type of thing has come up, I have suggested this invited guest be told.

I am sorry you have not been feeling well.
If you are not going to be able to attend, I will need to know by tomorrow.

The bride and groom both have FAMILY, that are on the waiting list to attend, because we could not fit them on the original guest list. Mydaughter in law was very kind to invite you to the wedding as a favor, so no, I am sorry,we will not be able to include your son and his girlfriend.

I would not allow the son and girlfriend to go to the wedding reception but I am kind of mean when it comes to my pet peeves and this is one of them. People are invited to weddings all the time and those that can't make it send their regrets end of discussion. A wedding invitation is not a concert ticket, something you can pass on if you don't use it!

I would not pass this on to your son as his problem but I would call her, email, whatever you are comfortable with and say sorry you can't make it to the wedding but your son was not invited and should not crash the reception. Add to that whatever you wish but she doesn't sound like a good friend.

Edit: I am not sure if I am reading this differently because I read her other post on this but I don't think she is upset that her friend can't attend. Because of the limited invites she was allowed as the mother of the groom I get the feeling that if they can't go she has other friends she would rather invite instead of her friends kid! I mean come on guys, if you could only invite five of your friends to something wouldn't you get irritated that some kid is forcing his way on the list when you could invite someone you are actually close to?

Wait, what? She's "sending her son and his girlfriend in her and her husband's place" to your son's wedding????? That's very, um, nervy of her. I've never heard of anyone ever doing something like that.

I would take Laurie A's advice on this one.

"Dear Sophie,
I'm sorry to hear you won't be attending my son's wedding. Thank you for the notice. The bride and groom both have family that are on the waiting list because we could not fit them on the original guest list. My future daughter in law was very kind to invite you to the wedding as a favor, so I am sorry, but we will not be able to include your son and his girlfriend as guests at the wedding. Thank you for understanding."

It's a wedding, not a backyard barbeque. Invited guests do not have the right to decide who takes their place if they are unable to attend. You have every right to be angry. I know several posters thought you were rude to your "friend." All I can say is, they must not have any master manipulators in their lives. This woman sounds like one. We have one in our family and people looking in from the outside would feel sorry for her based on her stories, but we know better.

wow when i read the first part i was thinking your not friends with this woman who you are so harsh about. friends usually like each other and admire each other and there faults arent juged but its a fact not a issue.

to answer your question about the friend giving her invitation to someone else. all that needs to be addressed by the ones who sent the invitation is that "were sorry that your arent able to make the wedding, please do not extend this invitation to any other we are able to fill the seats with another family member" if she argues or challenges the statment continue to say "we can fill the seats with family members". best of luck and congrats to your kid.

I just don't even get why her son and his gf would want to go to the wedding of one of his mom's friend's kid?

Anyway, if she can't come fine, but this is not something you send a "substitute" to. E-mail and tell her you're sorry she can't attend but you would prefer that she not send her son in her stead. I think I would tell her that you have already invited another one of your friends so there will not be a place for her son and his gf.

Okay, I remember your post about this before, how she was invited because of the long friendship but was considerign bowing out so her son and his girlfriend could go. I think that I said then that you should ask her to nail down her yea or nay on attending by a certain date so there could be an accurate head count...if she can't commit, then you make the call for her and tell her that you'll see her next time, and then give her would-be spot to another guest who can commit to showing. That would have taken care of this part; you knew that she was trying to back out. Can I safely assume that you decided to just say nothing and see how it would go?

She went over your head. How does your son feel about it? Since I have the personality that I have, I would contact her and say, "Uh, your son and his girlfriend are not on the guestlist. YOU are the one who's invited. If you can't make it, then that only means that things won't be as tight as we were thinkign they would be. Please tell your son and his girlfriend not to show up."

She bullied and manipulated you into this, and you let her. Now, it's just about too late. I say "just about" because my annoyance at her waiting until the last minute--in hopes that it would be too late for you to do anything about it--makes me really want you to call her on it. In my life, she would have already known that this was out of line. I wonder if you ever told her that you were not cool with the idea.

ETA: I read it the same way, Jo, and I am your same kind of "mean". I wouldn't let her get away with it.

I agree with J.T. It's up to the bride and groom who they invite.

In my world, people don't RSVP by saying "My husband and I can't come ... so we're sending these two people instead." I find that pretty outrageous.

How does your "kid" feel about this? Does he/she want the son and girlfriend there? Are they friends? Are there other people they would like to invite instead?

I wouldn't be angry at your friend for not coming to the wedding. If she is morbidly obese and has leg pain and her husband won't come with her ... I don't really blame her for wanting to stay home. If you really are friends, you should be able to discuss this and figure out what's going on.

I bet that your friend really DOES want to be there herself, and really DOES have severe leg pain. I think by sending her son and his GF in her place, she is trying to show you that her family supports yours.

I think it is really sad that you are willing to write the friendship off over this. Must be some other side issues going on that you haven't disclosed to us.

This is a wedding! You are invited. You either go or you don't go. The invite doesn't come with transferable tickets! If you can't go, you can't go, but you don't "give" your place to someone who wasn't invited! I would absolutely contact your friend and tell her "I am sorry to hear you can't make it, we will miss you. Please let your son and his girlfriend know that we appreciate the gesture, but their attendance is not necessary. So-and-so will be there to keep me company instead"

That being said, I'm not sure that this in and of itself is something worth ending a friendship over. It's annoying, absolutely. It kind of sounds like, even though you have been friends for a long time, that this wasn't the first annoyance between you two. If this is the straw that breaks the camel's back, it's kind of understandable.

Hasn't this been posted before?

ETA..............
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/10078541582015070209

I think you just need to move on from it.

really?
you expect a friend to just get over severe leg pain and attend an event that wasn't even on her radar to start with? she was only invited to be your woobie in the first place?
she was doing you a favor to start with.
what does her morbid obesity have to do with anything?
i think she should tell her son and gf to stay home, and break off all contact with you.
khairete
S.

I am sort of confused. Maybe it's not coming across very well to me, I am clogged up and a bit dizzy...sorry.

You sound like you're blaming her weight for the leg pain.

If so then let me tell you about me. I ran 5 miles every night, played basketball, volleyball, tennis, rode bikes all over town, even the grocery store, while in college. I was very athletic and in good shape. I was playing softball in college and in this particular game I was playing short field between first and second bases back towards the outfield a bit.

The person playing center field ended up knocking in to me during a fly ball and bent my leg sideways. Every muscle, tendon, ligament, all the stuff inside the knee, it all ripped to shreds. They used staples to flop it over and put it back together. The ends were so frayed they could not sew them together.

I did rehab for almost a year but of course my knee is not ever going to be right again. I cannot do much of anything now. I have tried walking, riding a stationary bike, treadmill, swimming, water aerobics, all of it makes my leg ache and then I have trouble walking for days.

So a knee injury is life changing. Perhaps she damaged her knee in her youth and is still paying the price much like I am.

As for the wedding, you sent the family an invitation for 2 people and 2 people are coming. What's the difference? You just don't like the son and don't want to be around him.

Sounds like you have made some decisions about this friendship and if you are certain you are done then burn the bridges and be done with her.

If you tell her that if she can't make it then to have her son and the girlfriend stay home, then she may all of a sudden be well enough to attend and the 3 of them show up.

The way I would handle it is to have someone, the wedding planner, the planner's staff, someone not in the wedding, stand at the door to the reception and check names off of the 'RSVP'd' guest list. Since this is an expensive dinner reception, this will also help keep those that did not RSVP from getting in also. If their name is not on the list, they don't get in. Period.

Have you ever watched the show 4 Weddings? At one wedding, they had 20+ people that hadn't RSVPd show up. There wasn't enough food for them. So a guy said, if you didn't RSVP, you need to leave and wait outside. Yes it was tacky, and yes there was a better way to have handled it, but at the same time it was completely their fault for not RSVP'ing.

Wow, rude, tacky and manipulative :(
But I saw a quote the other day, and I think it applies here.
"For every 60 seconds you are angry, you lose a full minute of happiness"
I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be, but try to focus on the positive, namely, the wedding! Don't let this woman be a giant black cloud in your life. I can't tell you whether or not to give up the friendship for good but I would tell you to at least avoid her for a while, she sounds like a major piece of work.

It's sort of weird, but unless I'm missing something, I wouldn't let it ruin such an important day. I mean, you budgeted for X number of guests. X number of guests are coming. And really, all the etiquette at weddings gets exhausting. You have to thank everyone and their stray dog for coming. You have to remember people's great-grand-step-nephews' names and ask how they're doing. So, here are two people you probably don't have to fall all over yourself thanking. Makes your day easier. I mean, if they're known to be disruptive or something, then you have an issue. But otherwise? Let it go, move on, and enjoy your son's special day.

I would call her and matter of factly tell her there was a limited amount of invitations available ..perhaps due to budget constraints...and that there is other family members that were excluded so she and her hubby could come. Mention how sorry you are about them not being able to make it, but there is just not enough room for her son and gf.

If she persists, let her know that you would be happy to included them, BUT it would be an additional cost of.______ (and make it ALOT) to add them at this time. That should take care of it.
I had a similar situation.......and offered this family member the opportunity to purchase another table for my daughters wedding for about 8 grand....she no longer thought it necessary to invite "her" additional guests..lol
Good luck..

This is completely rude on her part. The invitation was sent to her and her guest only. If she is unable to go then the invitation should be declined. I'm sure the bride & groom would like to invite someone they know that they weren't able to invite (or save money by not having someone they don't know come to their wedding). Even if they do know her son, it's rude and he wasn't invited. The response to her should be exactly that - "thank you for RSVP'ing that you regret to be unable to attend the wedding. We appreciate wanting to send someone in your stead, but that won't be necessary as we have limited our invitations accordingly and will not be able to accomodate your son and his girlfriend. Thank you for your quick and kind response."

In no event should the son and girlfriend be allowed to attend and if you lose a friend (whom you seem okay and ready to lose) over her rudeness, then so be it.