Wedding Issues

Do what's right...

As much as you disapprove, this is your brother's choice. He's the one who will have to live with her after it's all said and done. I'm assuming that you have voiced your concerns to him directly? After doing that, it has to be left up to him.

You seem very concerned that your brother is not following the man made doctrines set forth by your church. Please remember that a marriage is still a marriage, even if it's not in a church. If they have any kind of relationship with Christ, they will recognize the covenant they are about to enter. If they don't... again, that will be their issue to work out with God.

Re: your commitment. Regardless of WHY you said "yes" to being in the wedding, you said it. You are obligated to keep your word. (God says, "let your yes be yes and your no be no.") In hind sight, you probably should have said, "Let me think about it." Then, told her you wouldn't feel comfortable because your older than them, etc... but are honored to have been asked. Quit looking for excuses/lies to get out of this and honor your brother, who you love on some level even though you're not close to him.

Backing out, causing his bride to get upset, changing their wedding plans, etc. will only cause dissention or hurt feelings. Look at the long range picture here. Family is precious and is a gift from God. They will stand by us when the rest of the world turns their back on us. Build that relationship with your brother and his fiance'. Who knows, maybe God put you in their lives for a time such as this.

Be blessed and be a blessing,
M.

Morning W.;
Hey, don't make a big issue out of it! Just tell them that
you feel getting your daughter ready for being the flower girl is all that you can handle at one time! First explain to you sister that has accepted to being in the cermony that you just do not feel you can get your daughter ready and do it also!
Be glad they didn't except the time share, you love to travel so use it! Buy them a George Forman grill! ahahahahaha
Best,
B. C

I think that you can go with the idea that it will be too hard for you both to be in the wedding party. Since your daughter is the only child and the flower girl, suggest that her role is more important than yours, and that you would like to be available in a full capacity to be sure that you can keep her on track! That it would probably be in the best interest for all to go smoothly, if you are a watchful by-stander over your daughter the all important flower girl! And then I suggest that you get over your issues with your brother and his new wife. Family is our greatest resource, and someday you will really want a closer relationship with him , and it may be too late. Best of luck!

If you think your daughter will do better with you out of it - then that is an option to offer - but only if it wouldn't throw off the wedding party and hurt the wedding - and especially if wouldn't be a problem for the bride. Otherwise, it's family, like it or not. Suck it up. You will see these people at important functions for the rest of your life. Family should come first - no matter how much or little you like them. Have fun and find relief when it's over. Do not mention your dislikes to anyone else at all and especially around anyone else at all. I made some of the same mistakes your thinking about with my sil and now we get along fine and I regret some of the things I did and said. The right thing to do is to accept out of obligation - but do it heartily. Don't make her regret asking you - because everyone will be told as such. You might actually become friends 10 years from now. Suck it up! and don't forget to Smile!

Dear W.,

Why shy away from the truth? Truth can ALWAYS be communicated compassionately. And since you seem to respect religious beliefs and the premarital counseling offered by the church (Christian?), don't you think the BEST GIFT you can give your brother is a testimony of your faith and beliefs?

I hope you will pray about it, and then set up a private meeting with your brother (hopefully in person!) to discuss these things. If he is in another city, then make a telephone call (this way you can "script" your comments in advance and follow the script while you are on the phone.) I have also found honest letters effective to address sensitive topics with my loved ones and friends. The contents of the meeting/call/letter should be very much like PARTS of your Mamasource posting:

- "only married woman in the wedding party"
- "generally not my crowd or one with whom I anticipate socializing, comfortably"
- "eleven attendants seem adequate and I don't feel my absence will be a real loss (in terms of the "appearance" of the wedding party)"
- "I WANT my role to be focused on getting my daughter (3 yrs. old) to do her part as a flower-girl, and I believe that contribution will make the best wedding experience for him and his bride."

Be forgiving about any hurtful things that have been said in the past by his fiance. The best way to demonstrate charitable (Christ-like?) actions is to lovingly forgive past offenses - including their declining your timeshare. No doubt they have a plan for a honeymoon destination that will make them happy and provide the memories they wish to have. If they don't want your timeshare gift don't feel obligated to give them another gift of equal value (otherwise WHY would you care if they turn it down?)

The most important thing that you can share with your brother are the personal feelings that you have about faith, marriage and spirituality that lie at the root of your disapproval of their union. Hopefully, even though you are not "close" to your brother - you do have a concern for his happiness, successful marriage and spiritual well-being. Your actions with regard to this wedding MAY be the thing that causes both your brother and his wife to be to be open to a relationship with Jesus. Wouldn't that be the best gift you could give him?

God bless you (and your brother's marriage),
K.

Unfortunelty there is no graceful way out of it. I have 2 older brothers, both whom I don't get along w/thier wives. One wife is very outspoken on how she feels, with no regard to anyone else even my in-laws don't like her. My other brother is married to a woman almost 20 years older then him with 5 kids of her own and 2 grandkids. I went to thier wedding even though I did not agree because of my parents. Now I see that no matter how much I don't like the sitution thats the person he decided to spend his life with. You chose your husband, and your brother chose his wife. You don't have to like her or tolerate her behavior. But be the bigger person for your brother. I don't know where your mom and dad are but I am sure they would like it if you were there. I am pretty sure they would want you all to be together for such a big milstone in each others life. take care and trust me you will trully need all the patience in the world I say this from experince. To be honest I can't stand my sister in-law either. I have 2 children she just had her first son yet she thinks she knows more about being a mother then anyone else.