What Should I Tell Her????

She is too young to understand. I went through the same with my eldest daughter when she was small; as she got older, she told him that she wanted to spend more time with him so he started picking her up every other weekend; since she learned to drive, she's with him and his family every Sunday. It just takes time for 1) the father to realize that the child needs them and 2) eventually the father will not have any choice - either the child will make him spend time with her or she'll resent him for not being there for her. A three year old is just to young and she doesn't not understand why her dad isn't around; maybe in a couple of years.

Well, I'm sorry that you're in that situation. If I were you, I would cut him off completely before she gets more attatched. My parents split up when I was 5, and I didn't talk for 2 years.

I have the same problem. Only I got married and my daughter calls my husband dad. She would like to think that he is her real dad. I will tell you that her biological dad hasn't contacted me in 4 years and not a day goes by that I don't think about contacting him. The advice I have is let him make the decision. Either you come around once a week or your out. When she gets old enough to understand talk to her about him. I never talk back or good about her dad in front on her. I pretend I have no opinion about him. Last year I sat her down and told her that she has a dad that due to work and other things hasn't been able to be in her life. Also My husband is military so we move and I told her we lost contact and it had nothing to do with her. She has formed her own opinion about him.

But really I'd lay it out for him. You hurt her when you're not around. If you aren't going to come around often don't bother.

So what you are saying is that your daughter has a father figure in her life for about 2 years now...your present boyfriend. Seems to me he is more consistent and present than her biological father ever has been. I think you know the answer to your question, you just need validation. Yes, I think it is important for children to have a father in their lives, but that doesn't mean he has to be biological. If your present boyfriend is a stable, loving partner and a father figure to your daughter then how wonderful is that? One day you can tell your daughter about her biological father, medical history, etc. She may not even be that interested, who knows. How you can juggle what you do with working and school...I admire your ambition. I wonder if you have a little trouble saying no to people in the first place or are a people pleaser so it makes it even harder for you to cut the old ties with your ex. He isn't going to change and you can't change him, but you can change how you react to him when he calls. CLICK. Best wishes.

wow it sounds like i wrote that, very familiar. i got sole custody of my daughter very early this year after i found out my ex husband was into pills and attempted an over dose on 2 occassions. even before i found out all this she rarely saw her dad. he barely called her. and just as your child, when he did call for days she asked about her dad. i would just tell her "daddy is working, he will call later i am sure" and change the subject. i never badmouth him in front of her, or tell her he will never call. however, u have to put your foot down. it took me a long time to figure this out. but i had to do it when in early September i took her on her very first vacation to Universal Studios in Orlando for a week. she was so excited to be in a hotel and wanted to send everyone we knew postcards. even her dad, and it had been a while she spoke to him, but i agreed. he never called to say thank you or ask about her adventures. she was very very hurt and cried. it hurt me even more to see her like that and nothing i could do. i simply said "well daddy works a lot but i am sure he will call" and i simply never mention it again and thankfully neither does she. i stopped calling him trying to force that relationship. he doesn't see her and i hate to see her that way, but thankfully i have a wonderful man in my life now that has accepted her as his own and they do a lot of father/daughter activities together. good luck.

G.,

I am right now in your same shoes. The father of my 7 1/2 month old son was showing interests and then when I asked for money to help with him he ran and hid. He is now showing no ineterest in my son. My son has my last name (the father was not there at birth and wanted me to have an abortion) shows how much he cared. I believe in my heart that his daddy does love him, but I think of my son and his feelings in the future. I have seen children that thier fathers were not in thier lives and they were hurt on a daily basis. I do not want my son to go thru that. I will never talk bad about his father, but I have decided to ask his father to sign his rights over. (if he does not show up for court), I just do not think I can bare to see my son cry and hurt because his father is being an idiot and immature. I do know if one day his father wants to talk to him when he gets older, that will be my sons choice, but right now it is my choice. At this age he is to young to know what is good for him and what is not, and that is one reason I am here to make those decisions and try to help him thru life. I know this is not advice, but I thought if you saw someone else was going thru what you are, it might help you in your decision. All children are different and will handle things differently. You have to do what you feel is best for your child right now. And when she is old enough you can explain to her why you did the things you did for her and she can then make up her own mind. If you need someone to talk to that is going thru the same thing, please feel free to email me. I will keep you in my prayers.

D.

Well personally this request has hit a chord with me because of my own life history. I would say that I am a stable working mother of a beautiful 21 month old daughter. I am married to her daddy and I am very happy in life. I think it helps to know a little about the people who give advise. First, I would say that all children no matter what should know who thier parents are and all children should have a realationship with thier dad unless it is dangerous. Evan though your daughter's dad might not want anything to do with her it is not your place to cut him out of her life. If anything you should forever try to encourage the bond between father and daughter. Men do not think, act, or live as we do and all people change. It may very well be possible that in 5 years from now the dad wants o be an active part of your daughters life. That would be a wonderful thing and the few times she has talked to him or seen him will help forge that bond in the future. Even if he doesn't ever come around to wanting that active role in her life at least you can go to bed each night knowing you honestly tried everything in your power to help him be a better father. My dad and mom split up when I was 3 he did not pay child support, he did not see me very much, he forgot my b-days and holidays, he even let me change my last name to my step dads without any major big deal. My mom held out strong....always talking good about him, always trying her best to bring us together. In the end i am 31 now and my dad and I are closer than ever, he is a wonderful man and I love him today more than I ever thought I could. He makes every effort to call me, to love me, to spend time with his granddaugher. For some reason around the time I was 21 he just changed and started paying attention to me. I accepted his love and forgave him for the past. Now I have 2 dads ny step father and my real daddy, who could be luckier? You know what I have always thanked my mom for not giving up on my dad and for letting me make my own choices. It was and should be up to your child to make her choice to have or not to have her dad in her life. Even at 3 years old, you can already begin to see how important having a dad is.... that's why she is pretenting to call him, talk to him, asking questions. Talk positivly about him to her and keep trying. You are most definatly doing the right thing. Many of my friends and my husband do not know or have cut thier father out of thier lives and they are constantly sad because of it. I hope this advise helps.

Anybody can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad and it sounds like her biological father is not a real man. He is what some call a "Deadbeat Dad". Move on with your life and don't keep going through this. When your daughter gets older and wants to seek out her biological father then give her all the support she needs to find him. Just move on, its time.

I'm not sure. My daughter is 5 and does similar things. My ex hasn't seen her since February, and she only saw him a handful of times before then--most of which she doesn't remember. Mine now asks "why doesn't my daddy love me anymore" and it's heartbreaking. All I know to tell her is that I don't know why he doesn't come, but that mommy loves her and God and the rest of her family love her and so she's just fine because she has all the love she could ever need right here at home.

Hope someone else is more useful--my ex does at least pay child support---but it's getting header to get these days.

M.

I really believe that the only thing you can do is be stable and honest with/ for your kids. She will realize her dad is a jerk sooner or later, but if you defend him, she'll also relize you lied to her and possibly lose faith in you. Then what does she have? You're a great mom, you want what every mom wants, but in this case you do not have the power to make it happen. He is a loser and your kid deserves better. I agree with the person who said to call him by his name and wean her from thinking of him as "daddy" which is something she can compare to other kids' daddies. He won't measure up and it might enocurage her to fantasize more about the daddy she wishes he was.

Let him dig his own hole. She's smart and will catch on. In the mean time, make no excues for him nor take out any wrath on him in front of her. Respect her feelings but be honest about why he doesn't come around. He's just not responsible. He's not good at keeping promises. Your honesty and respect of her intelligence will go a long way in the future. Remember that he is the one hurting her, not you. His actions hurt and you can't cover them up.

Good luck and a big hug.

I feel for you. I agree with Krysty of all your advices. I believe people change, and if your child is asking for him now, then that means she is already attached. Already too late to not hurt her.. I believe it would scar her more if you ended the contact with her dad more than if she only saw him once in a while. I think the best thing that I would do if I were in your place... I would have a seious talk with her daddy explaining to him how important he has become to her, and that you really wish he would realize that. I would ask him to make the effort to come by more often and spend time with her and see how fun she is... because she loves him so much already. I would always want my babies father in my kids life and I wish that for every child out there... even if its' a little hard to do... you can't change him, but you can talk to him like a mother that you are and tell him how concerned you are about her reaction when he stops coming by... and in no way him just leaving the picture would be the best thing for her.. he needs to be in his life. If he doesn't react to that as a mom that you are, then I would just try to focus my child into the life she has now, her friends, you, the mom, the grandma, grandpa, etc. Never talk negative, remember you don't have to tell her everything, she is only 3. Plus I think at that age, they can easily be distracted by a song, or just a simple gesture as a hug each time she cries for daddy.. just hug her, so she may remember no word coming out of your mouth.. just understanding, and love.. Best of luck... and if you need anything.. email me. God bless you and your daughter always.

10/26/06
Well I am a single mother also however I have three girls and they have three different fathers. They know that they different dads. I am not bragging on that but this is how I deal with my 3 year olds father. Before hurricane Katrina, we lived 10 mins apart, and his relatives were 20 minutes away. He does nothing for the girl but take her pictures and brag on her eyes, she got cat green eyes and a beatiful honey complextion (multi - racial background). Allison knows she has a father but he's never around. When she cries for him I tell her that her father (but i call him by his name) Jwayne is not here right now. But when I am with my signifciant other ( who has benn with her for the last 2 yrs) comes around she has naturally started calling him dad. If you keep it simple because they are only 3, but show them the difference between their father and what a dad is. Quoting Boys in the Hood, anybody can make a baby, but only a real man is a father. Discuss with your partner if her calling him dad is a good idea. Use that to wean her off calling the bio- father dad, and incourage her to call him by his name. After all, being called Daddy is a privelige that inactive fathers (mine too) take for granted, and don't deserve. The man that takes her to the park instead of watching the game on TV, the one who helps her learn to brush her teeth, the last male face that she sees at night and the first male face she looks for in the morning is the only one who deserves the title Dad regardless to the type of blood that runs through his veins. He IS your childs father! As she grows up she will understand through maturity and education what the difference is and let her call that shot at that time. I see it like that, because as they grow up looking for this DAD that is never around, it will send her o an emotional roller coaster looking to fill a void (waitinf for this so called DAD to show up) when he has been there the whole time. So, as a mom our job is to protect them - and that means to look at the big picture no matter what the out come maybe and help prevent any hurt that is forseen incuding emotional!!!

wow, let me know how u deal with this, im 2-1/2 years behind you. Im not sure of how i will handle this issue either.

I don't have any advice. :( However, I think it might be helpful to talk to a counselor or minister to help you make the best decision for your daughter. Also, have you thought about looking into a support group such as "Parents without Partners" or some churches have Single Parent Ministries. Hang in there...

Hello G.,
I am a single mother of 2, I have a daughter that is 10 and a son that is 6. My daughters father stop seeing her when I left him alone. His theory was if he can't have me he doesn't want anything to do with Allie. So she is now 10 and he has not seen her since I got married and that was in 1999. So he owes me 20,000 dollars in back child support but men has that issue bad they think that it is a package deal but it is not. You should not go above and beyond to make him want to be a daddy. That is a privilage to be a daddy. Any man can be a daddy but it takes a real man to be a Father. You have to know whats best for you and your baby, because in the long run you may be hurting her instead of helping her. So just be prayerful and know that you are a good mom and don't let this discourage you about questioning your parenting skills. Keep doing what your doing.

I have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and her dad does the same thing. I think it is better to not have a dad at all than to have one who continually hurts her and confuses her. She will understand your resistance to him as she gets older if you tell her the truth...because you are still trying. He should not make you feel guilty by using her to get to you. My baby's father does the same thing to me but I have finally decided to just cut it off. It is too much torment on me and her and I know when she gets older she will understand I was just preventing him from hurting her. I think your daughter will understand too. Explaine to her the things she use to do when he would call like you just did to me and she will understand how much hurt you seen in her. She will be thankful for you protecting her from repeated mental and heart anguish. No matter what she will always hurt because of him just try and minimize what she feels by keeping him out of her mind as much as possible...it only causes confusion for her because she dosen't know where he went that is why she makes it up. She is already making excuses for him and that is wrong of him...besides she has you and your love and that will be enough until the day she starts to ask...and then you just love her MORE!!!!

I am a single mother too. I am also a full-time student in a relationship not as long but, life with the guy and he is not the father to my son. I do have the same problem with my son. He talks about him at school saying to his teacher that he is going to go to church with his dad. Or his dad is at work. Or something that he really doesn't know, he will mention. My son is also 3 years old too. I think it is because they have seen their real father and have some type of memories of them they make up stories because they want these men around and so they feel like something is not missing out of there life’s. But, right now I feel like it is important for our children to understand the situation. But then again their 3yrs old. I choose for him not to see his father not only because of this situation but because of other obvious reasons that have become evident to me upon the retrieval of my son during visitations.

The only time a child NEEDS a father is when he is a consistent father-NOT a once in a while father! my son's father was very inconsistent, although he saw my son more than once a year. I refused to let it continue because it hurt my son more than helped him. I told him to be an all the time dad or go away. He did not take me seriously for a while, but he sure has now. He relinquished his rights and my son is so much better off and happier without him. I would rather my son have only me than me (who is there for him always) and a father who is only there when he feels like it-parenting does not work that way. I was honest with my son and explained to him what was happening (in kid kindness)every step of the relinquishment process. He understands that his father loves him, but he is immature and irresponsible and does not know how to be a good dad. Of course, it helps that my husband has been a great dad for him since my son was 2 (he is now 6)so my son recognizes a good from a bad father-he is happier with my husband, but by nature will always miss his dad a little. Cut him off now, letting him keep things the way they are will hurt her more than help her! He legally has no leg to stand on because 6 months of no contact is considered abandoment by law.

I am going through the same thing. My son is know 6 years old and his biological father would come around probably every five or six months and visit a few days and then leave. I would have to deal with my son crying at night and asking for his daddy. I just told him that his daddy had to leave to go to work out of town. I didn't want to say that he only comes around a little bit so I lied. Finally I started to get tired of it cause my son was getting older and once he started to realize what was going on and his father was lying to him about coming to see him, I didn't want him to get hurt and feel like his father didn't want him. So when he finally called and said that he wanted to see my son, I told him that that was fine but that he had better keep in touch and not just leave again or that was it. I was not going to let him see him until my son was old enough and said that he wanted to see him. Well, he came and went and I was done. Then about two years later, no joking, he decided to give us a call and wanted to see my son. I told him not to call here again cause he has hurt my son enough and I am tired of it and it has also been two years. I am married and my husband treats him like one of his own so I know that my son will be alright. And when he does get older and he wants to see his bio. father then I will let him. I know that they need both of their parents but if one of the parents is hurting them everytime they see them then I say stop letting it happen and move on. He can't really take you to court cause he will owe you alot of money and other things that he is suppose to be doing as the father. My son's father owes us alot of money so I know that he wouldn't get a lawyer. So I would sit back and think of your child and what is best for her. Since you are in a relationship and it seems serious then I wouldn't worry, that guy can take the roll of the father and your daughter will be just fine. Just think of what is best for her while she is growing up and maturing.

Hi I am not in your situaton, but I was in your daughter's. My blood dad would sometimes go for years at a time without seeing me, calling, birthday cards or anything. I am not making excuses for him. It was really hard on my Mom. But he had to grow up. By the time I was a teenager he was calling at least once a month. Now that I am older and have children of my own, he comes here 3 to 4 times a year. I am so glad that he is in my life now. He had all kinds of issues with drugs and everything else, but now he is an excellent grandfather, and anything I need, (granted, it's late) he's right there. My Mother and I are closer than best friends are. We live about 15 min away from her. I talk to her every day and I know exactly what she gave up to keep him in my life. She also remarried when I was 6 to a wonderful man that I call Dad. My blood dad also calls him my Dad. He knows that this man raised me and respects that. I know it will be a long hard road. And you can be sure that there will be some pain, but it's worth it in the end. My Mother never spoke ill of my father to me, or in front of me, that must have been hard for her because he got to be "cool" riding into town on his harley and bringing stuff for me whenever he wanted to, but I respect her for it. Good luck and God Bless you and your daughter.

Hi G., your story makes me cry because I think that is where I'm headed. I have similar issues. Let me know how it all works out. I'll pray for you.