My middle child's grandmother up and moved to CT (from VA) when my daughter was about 1. She moved back to VA and got married a few years ago. Our relationship was never the same (we don't talk to her son, my daughter's father, at all, and it's best this way). Well after not hearing from her for 2+ years, the grandmother sent me a random friend request on Facebook, which I denied. I have my profile set very private, and I don't want her son seeing my life through her page, and explained that to her. She wrote back and said she wanted to call my daughter for her birthday (3 days late)... I told her I didn't think that was the best idea; my daughter has no memory of this woman. She tried calling anyway, and I honestly missed the phone and didn't feel like calling her back. She wrote again on FB, telling me that if I didn't let her speak to my daughter, she was going to sue me for custody (LOL)... BUT, grandparents do have certain rights in VA. I'm pissed. She voluntarily shut us out of her life, then suddenly wants to be back in it? I don't want my daughter more confused about where she came from than she is now. I've always been very open and honest with her about her dad and his side of the family, but I know this woman's history, I know she will disappear again, and quite frankly I refuse to put forth any effort to try to see her and create a new relationship with her.
What can I say to her? I've been very cordial... but now that she threatened with custody, I'm livid. I just want her to go away again and leave my daughter alone. That whole side of the family isn't quite on their rocker, if you know what I mean. This has nothing to do with me vs her, and everything to do with the fact that I know it's just not healthy for my daughter to be played as a pawn. My husband backs me 100% on this as well.
So what do I do? What do I say to this woman?
@Denise, I feel the same way, in regards to my daughter knowing her grandmother... that's part of her identity, part of who she is, you know? But this woman has some mental issue (I forgot what it's called) and abuses anxiety medication... not the ideal grandma. I'm really torn, but leaning towards this being a more negative than positive thing.
As far as I know from my family's experience with Grandparents seeking custody, I don't believe she has any standing. Grandparents do NOT have custody or visitation rights in VA. They are only allowed contact with the child if the custodial parent agrees to it. They have no 'sue' ability for visitation.
M.
If it were me, I would contact a local family law attorney just to make sure this woman has/has not any grounds for visitation. It sounds like this woman is trying to start some drama. If she is really serious about forming a relationship with your daughter, she should pursue it through her son, not you directly. Also, keep a log on her of any contact that she makes to you i.e. emails, letters, phone calls, etc. (times, dates, incidence). Document everything so that should you need to go to court or if you need to file a restraining order against her, you have proof. For now, I would stay back and do and say nothing. If she continues harassing you, cordially tell her that you are documenting or tape recording her behavior and will pursue legal action if necessary to insure the safety of your family. Hopefully, that stops the harassment. You have stated your position, now let her dig her own hole.
Yikes. I would say nothing- don't continue to communicate with her on any level. Print the FB message so you have it, and ask yourself the question "If this woman was not her biological grandmother, would I want her around my child? Why or why not?" In all reality, she may go ahead with the lawsuit, but it's probably an empty threat.
Find a way to get what she's FBing you or texting or whatever printed out. She's threatening you. Ask the police non-emergency line about this to be safe and protect yourself. Then limit visits to supervised only. She's a grandma, but she's not active, and kids don't really care. My mother lives in PA and I live in TX. She's seen my son about 3 times in his 4 years of life. I'm ok with that. I'll introduce her to him as Grandma A, when we see each other, but his "real" (active) grandma is who he knows. They love who they love. If she's superficial in your life, she'll be superficial in your child's life as well. Good luck!
As a child that was withheld from my birth father and his family, I can tell you it really isn't fair.
Make her happy and let her have contact. You can control just how much. Phone calls, letters, a visit in your home, etc. And if you don't reciprocate with calls, cards, visits, etc she may get tired of the one way relationship. Based on her history, it may not amount to much of anything and then it is her loss. But at least your daughter will not blame you!
Otherwise, they may wait til she's 18+ and then contact her behind your back (like my father did when I was 21). And then who knows what they may tell her and how much they may bad talk and bash you!
And, trust me, it won't take long before your daughter figures her out and will make her own decisions. My MIL spent a lot of time with her first granddaughter (my daughter, age 19) when she was little. And then my son (now 15). My daughter wants little to do with her now. And my son wants almost nothing to do with her. My youngest and the 3 other grandchildren (ages 5-11) still like her. But it won't be long until they figure her out too! And then my MIL can reap what she has sown.
Put her on "ignore" - online and in real life. There's no way she'd get custody of a child she's never met, taking her away from a loving family.
R.,
The way I see it you can allow her to talk to/see your daughter--she's 5, right? She knows about her dad, so she would probably realize that HE has a mother.....you can always explain to your daughter that grandma live all over the country and is always moving but right now she is nearby and would like to see her.
OR...do nothing and let her go ahead and file for visitation (I doubt she can file for custody) which she most likely will not do.
Overall though, I think your daughter has a right to meet and know her grandmother--however flaky--unless she is a source of danger (addiction, etc.). It's part of her family. And her history, after all.
@R....you haven't talked to her or seen her in 2 years! People change. All I know is put yourself in her shoes--what if your daughter had a child and you never knew him or her? All she wanted was to talk to her on the phone!
Does the biological father have any legal claims to your daughter? Suppose she ends up going through her son? Would he back her up?
Her threats are likely empty, but her desire to see her grand-daughter probably come from a good place. Unfortunately she's not going about it appropriately. You just don't antagonize the only way in for what you want.
I don't think it's a horrible idea for you to set up a visit or two if you supervise them and establish very clear rules and boundaries. I wouldn't let them out of your sight so that if she doesn't follow the rules you can end the visit immediately if you get uncomfortable.
Document everything.
You don't have to respond to her at all.
From a brief Google search (I'm not an attorney), it appears that if your daughter's father terminated his parental rights, that negates any rights this woman may have had in VA.
I didn't read the other responses and I need to be quick so I hope this gets across ok.
Write her a letter and tell her just what you told us regarding your reservations on the subject. Don't be cruel or mean, just tell her in straightforward terms that you have misgivings because of her consistency, etc. and that it would do more harm than good at this point with your daughter being so young. Don't beat around the bush, let her know that you would like your daughter to have a relationship with her but her dependability is in question.
Oh my gosh, I'm not alone. This sounds like me when I was about 9 months old.
In my case, my grandparents were granted once a month and switch off holidays every other year visitation. But my grandparents were out of my life because they didn't even know I was alive, my dad never told them he had a child and then my grandparents saw my mom in Walmart and asked who the baby was (me) and who the dad was (their son) and my mom didn't want me around them out of fear that they would just up and leave like my dad.
Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea for your daughter to be around her grandmother. Bless my grandparents, but as soon as I could understand what anyone was saying they were trying to get me to go behind my mother's back and let them have me. They are sane and not on any medication, prescribed to them or otherwise.
I would be quite frank and tell her, you do not have a chance with custody of my daughter and it is my child of who I am responsible for, physically and mentally, and I do not want her to be dragged into your mind games and selfish lifestyle.
To me beating around the bush hardly ever gets anywhere.
Best of luck!
Honestly, I would let her know right up front that you don't appreciate being threatened which is precisely what she's done. Your child is your child, you get the final say-so in who she spends her time with. You don't need to answer to this woman at all. I know that different states have different laws, but come on, she's being absurd! If it was me, I would remove her from my facebook altogether & not take any more calls from her.
oooh R.
I'd like to think that people change and grow up....however, with a medical/mental disorder - it's hard to tell....
It also depends upon the relationship with her daddy and THEIR relationship (his mother and him)....if she wants to see her - that's fine - on MY turf and on MY terms....she doesn't like it? Fine...take me to court...MY child deserves security and love...not someone who is going to fly in and out of their life for no apparent reason...
I feel sorry for her. Let me explain why. I am in a similar situation. My daughter, not step-daughter, not daughter-in-law, but my flesh and blood daughter, won't allow me to be part of her family's life. I have 6 grandchildren whom I have never seen, except through photographs. I have tried to reach out to her, but she rebuffs me. Why? Because I left her father. Because I wasn't happy. One of her daughters is named after my mother. The pain it causes me is excruciating. People are cruel. Don't be one of them. Maybe you could meet this lady for lunch or coffee and see what she has to say for herself. If you had a grandmother out there who wanted to be part of your life, what would you do?
I feel for you. My husband's mother has mental issues as well. We stay as far away from her as possible to try and shield our daughter from her drama.
Yes, my MIL is part of her family, but we don't want her exposed to that drama.
I think you've gotten some good advice on here, so I just wanted to wish you good luck and I hope you stand your ground. This woman threatened you, she is definitely not good for your daughter.
