When to Stop

Is he going to play sports in college? Will that provide him a scholarship? If yes, get him through college, if not he should know how to manage a work load and get a part time job.

Here's my question: Are you comfortable with him driving around with a phone that doesn't work?

I pose this question because I have noticed that, for teen drivers, phones are often as important for parents' peace of mind as they are for the teen's convenience. If this is the case for you, I'd suggest you buy the phone, and then let him know that gas $ will be his own responsibility once he gets a job this summer.

Holy cow, your kid sounds awesome. Highly motivated, making all the right choices.

To me with my (mostly) adult kids, I consider them totally dependent until they graduate (d) from an undergrad program (even then, there's a buffer zone) where I don't really expect them to pay for much themselves.

Gee wiz, get the kid a new phone already (unless it's the 3rd one you've bought for him in the past year), and dance with joy on the table in his presence to celebrate his (so many) successes.

:)

For my Mom, as long as I was in school (through college) and doing well with the grades, she paid for gas, car insurance, etc (there were no cell phones back then).
Soon as I graduated college, I got some part time fast food jobs for resume money while I looked for work in my field.
It took me a year but when I got my 1st real job, I moved 4 states away, got an apartment, and paid my own way from then on.

While I lived at home I did EVERYTHING that was expected of me - kept up with chores, mowed the lawn, raked leaves, shoveled snow, kept my room clean, did my own laundry, cooked, did dishes, etc.

If your son has college plans or trade school plans, etc you might be helping him for awhile but it's all towards getting him onto his own feet where he can support himself (with as little college debt as possible).

I'll continue to pay as long as I can afford to and until my daughter gets on her own two feet.

My daughter too is a senior in high school. School right now is her job and with her involvement in theatre she does not have time for anything else. She will get a job this summer but even if I took some of her money to pay for gas or car insurance I imagine I will be giving her money for other things she will need throughout the school year during her freshman year of college.

(My parents paid for my car insurance until I got married at 26 yo, they also paid for all toiletries and my generous mom would even buy me clothes when we shopped together. She still always picks up lunch or dinner when we go out)

My parents covered everything but my fun extras (going out with friends, etc.) until I was finished with college. I worked from 16+ to cover my extra expenses, but basic life expenses like insurance, gas, etc. were handled by my parents. That would have changed, though, if I chose not to go to college or dropped out. The same conditions applied to my husband when he was growing up. We will be doing the same with our kids.

My parents paid for my Bachelor's Degree. My dad's father was one of the first in his family to go to school and had to pay for everything on his own. He didn't make it. He failed one of his last classes because he was too busy working to study. He never finished, and that was something that always bothered him. When my dad went to school, my grandfather said, let me pay for school. Your job is to go to school. My dad wanted to do the same for us.

I didn't play sports. I had part-time jobs in high school and college and worked as much as I could over the summer. My parents paid my tuition, books, room & board, etc. I took care of my own spending money. That's it. I didn't have a car the first 2 years of college (paid my own gas when I did use their car during the last 2 years), and cell phones didn't really exist yet, so it's not quite a fair comparison. But I am so, so grateful that I finish college without student loans.

If you can afford it, I think you continue paying for everything until he graduates college. I think that sends a very clear message that you are proud of him, you believe in him and you value his education. I just really think that asking him to pay for things is asking too much.

***ETA: sorry I missed that you were talking about a summer job, that sounds reasonable***
How on earth does he have time for a job? When my kids were in high school and playing sports they literally had no extra time in their day. Left for school at 7:15, didn't get home until 6:00 (even later on game nights) dinner, homework, usually at least one game or tournament on the weekend. They did babysit here and there which gave them some spending money for the extras, but it certainly wasn't enough to pay for car, insurance, gas. We provided those things because we had a third car already that they could share, and I didn't want to spend two hours a day being a full time driver (no buses here.)
Look, he's going to college in the fall, right? He probably won't even need to have a car there, and his schedule (unless he's playing college sports) will make it easier for him to work part time and pay for his phone. I have two in college and that's been our experience.
Your son has worked hard and will be gone in a blink. Why add even more stress to your home and family life now? Try to enjoy these last few months together without heaping on even more expectations on him.

My parents paid for gas and insurance all the way through my Bachelor's degree. I never abused the gas card they gave me...as I lived on campus and didn't drive much other than home (a six hour drive). Insurance was just something they would pass on to me when I graduated.

Extras...like in this case the phone...would have been my responsibility. I wanted a tv, vcr(I am dating myself), a small fridge, a small microwave for my dorm room. So, I got a job on campus and it paid for my extra items and clothes and trinkets. My spending money so to say...

I really was a "rule follower" type of kid. I didn't give my parents trouble and they helped me out a lot.

My DH was tossed out with the clothes on his back a couple of months before high school graduation....he lived on a friends sofa to finish high school. But there was mental illness at home. Then he went in the military and did it all on his own without help from his parents at all.

So there is a range of answers...with my own kids i think it will be closer to like my experience...we provide what we think you need and you have to figure out the extras (and what an extra is really is determined family to family)....I say the phone with data is an extra. But gas and insurance is a need. Good luck!!

My dad paid for my car insurance through college. I was always responsible for paying for my own gas, even in high school. I always thought that was a very fair arrangement and could see it working for your family as well. Your son is old enough that he should be paying for his own gas.

I didn't get my first cell phone until after college, so there was never a question of whether my parents or I paid - it has always been my responsibility. If you currently have a family plan that works, allow your son to stay on it through college. Make him responsible for buying the new phone and paying for any overage charges he may incur.

He should still get a part time job, regardless of whether you're helping with his bills or not. He will want spending money in college and that should be his responsibility.

Hi Viola,

I see you have lots of input already but here's my 2 cents. I had a trust provided when I turned 18 by my grandparents. The stipulation was that this resource was to pay for college and related expenses. So I took about 8 grand of it and bought a small Nissan, my parents covered the insurance through my undergrad program. I paid for my gas, my clothing, any party money and little extras with a part time job I held at the university throughout my undergrad program. The rest of the trust paid for tuition, books and all other academically related items. I was extremely blessed and was very careful with this money, careful enough so that by the time I was finished with my Masters, I had a few hundred dollars left. Just enough for a nice graduation party.

I can say they wouldn't have paid for extracurriculars or things like phones, not that they existed when dinosaurs roamed the earth during my college years. But my health, life and car insurance were paid by my parents through my undergrad program for sure.

wow..........any younger sibs for him or are you about to become empty nesters??? :-) S.

eh, as far as I'm concerned, he's lived up to YOUR rules....& it's not his fault the phone is bombing. To me, it sounds like you're trying to cheap out on what you've promised him.

This probably sounds harsh. What I will add...is that I agree a summer job would be good as those year-round sports come to an end. BUT will he be living at home for college...or will that job end when he leaves for college? I believe it's time to set new ground rules from graduation on.

Here's what's worked for my family:
My older son was responsible for half his insurance & phone from age 16 until he began college. Additionally gas & activities were his responsibility. That lasted only 1 semester....so then he was responsible for the entire insurance bill & his phone...& everything else.
With our younger son, he did half his insurance. We paid for the phone, bcuz he carried a full schedule between school/work/band/Scouts/etc. Oh & he paid for his gas & activities. Upon entering college, we picked up the full tab so his income could cover monthly expenses.

Sounds like a fine young man. Not perfect, none of them (us) are... he's done well for himself, sounds like. Some college classes out of the way already, sports, good grades (scholarships on the horizon), volunteer work, and so on. The mouth? They all go through that to some degree. Skipping class I would have no tolerance for, though. That's a personal thing, though, some people think "mental health days" for kids to skip school with parental approval is fine, I just don't happen to be one of them, so I'd have a real issue with skipping without it!

My son is 17, has had a part time job for a year now. We provide him with a car, a phone, some basic gas money, and some of the insurance (he's on our plan, but he pays us weekly for a portion of the cost to add him to the policy... he pays $80/month to us). The gas? We live 25 miles from the high school.. he didn't choose that. It's an inordinate expense for him, and he also drives his younger sister to school with him, so we do pay gas for his drive to/from school daily. The rest of his gas is on him. We mostly haven't spent any money on clothing for him this past year. If he wants something, he buys it with his own money. Most of his money has gone to food (fast food, or Friday night pizza with friends), and the car (accessories, don't get me started).

My question for you guys is, how do you expect him to pay for these things? He has no job. You sound as if you don't want him having one until he graduates. Why? Does he not have time? If not, then why are you willing to hold him responsible for things he cannot possibly pay for with no job?
As far as a new phone, I don't know... is anything wrong with his or he just wants a new one just because? My son's is 2 years old (just fell out of contract). There is nothing wrong with it. No need to replace. It's an iPhone 5S. I could replace it with a new one fairly inexpensively, but my monthly bill would go back to the under-contract rate (an additional $25/month), so I'm not doing that. There is a pretty large gray area when it comes to "he wants a new phone"... how much money are you talking about? How much of an upgrade, and for what reasons? When he goes off to college, if cell phones didn't exist, would you pay for part of the cost of him having a landline in his room at school? I don't see any difference, only a cell phone is much more useful.

If he is generally a responsible kid, who works hard and isn't a slacker, then I would have no problem continuing to provide auto insurance (or at least a portion of it) and cell phone (provided he doesn't blow the entire plan's joint data), until he stopped being responsible in college. If you can afford to do so. If you can't afford it, then there is no discussion to be had. That's just my opinion.

--ETA--
I would also add that, depending on what things are like where you live, he might not be able to find a job right away. He's going off to college? Soo.. August? So, he'l start looking for a job in May, maybe get hired in June, and have to quit at the start of August? So.. maybe 2 months working. I would expect him to work over the summer, but I wouldn't expect him to easily find a job that knows he is leaving in 2 months. And I wouldn't expect whatever finds to be regular enough to pay a phone contract, or regular insurance for a vehicle. He'll be lucky to earn enough to save for incidentals when he goes to school August. School spirit wear. Coffee. Coffee. Sporting events at the college. Coffee. Coffee. Clothing. Razors. Coffee. A date here or there. Coffee.

My son has been employed for a year now. He looked, everywhere, for 4 months before he was able to get hired anywhere. And then it was fast food. And they only scheduled him for 11-15 hours per week. Sometimes his shifts were only 2 hours long. Barely enough to cover the expense to get there and back home when gas was near $3/gallon. He worked there for 3 1/2 months. He had been trying to get hired at our auto shop part time, and they finally called and asked if he could come in for a day and see how it worked out. He did, they both liked it, so when school was out for the summer, he went full time over the summer with them, then part time after school hours when school resumed in August. But he'd been applying and checking back with them for 6 months at least, before he was able to actually start working there. So, just don't expect that the second he walks out the door to look for a job that he'll come home with a start date and be making money right away. It doesn't always go that way.

Kids can't do everything. It sounds like he has a full plate with school, sports, and student council. I definitely think a summer job is okay. My parents and my husbands parents still paid quite a bit of our "extras" even throughout college. I had a full scholarship (inclunding books and room/board) and a very small part time job (covered my gas and social life). My parents paid my car insurance, travel to and from college (for breaks and stuff), etc. We didn't have cellphones back then. They really wanted me to focus on school (classes, extra curricular activities, volunteering). I think you need a 3-way discussion (you, hubby, and kid) to figure out what works for your family.

It's March. With senoritis, he could really screw up and cost himself big for graduation. I've seen that before (thankfully, not with my kids.) Some of the kids I knew who were like this had college acceptances rescinded.

Don't allow that to happen in your household.

Do not get him a new phone. Tell him that he has to have a GPA of "x" at graduation to be able to have a new phone, of YOUR choosing. Also tell him that he may not skip class, period.

Your son needs to start to understand the value of money. Right now, it grows on trees for him. If you think that he will do scholarship paperwork while you are giving him things right and left, you're deluding yourself. He will expect you to do it because he knows that you want him to go to college.

I do think it's fine for him not to work until graduation. But he should be filling out applications for work for the summer now.

sounds like a good kid with a lot of potential, you should be proud. that said, i agree with you. stick with you plan, but if you think you wont be helping financially any more...im sorry hun, you are mistaken. it will be years before your off the hook.

We stopped helping the bigguns with insurance when they got jobs and graduated HS. The only reason either of them had a car senior year of HS was because a friend's mom died and they "sold" it to us for $1. That died SD's senior summer and she went back to borrowing our old van.

DH bought them cars as college grad gifts, and neither one cost more than $5K. IMO, sit down with your DH first to determine when the gravy train ends and let your son know when to expect to start ponying up for himself. My DH helps with my SD's college rent because it's cheaper for us if she lives off campus, but he doesn't pay her cell phone bill, car insurance, or gas. He's helped here and there with groceries, but she gets a monthly stipend from him (a few hundred) that is supposed to be used with care for her non-tuition needs. She works for extras.

I think I would not buy him a new phone (you can get working phones for cheap these days - he can go pay as you go if it's out of warranty) and tell him that he has til 1 month after HS grad to start handling some of his own bills. I would also discuss that his only job right now is high school and if he's skipping class, then he's not doing his job and there's no incentive for you to continue to support him in the manner in which he's grown accustomed. He's not holding up his end of the deal.

I wouldn't make him get a job today (get college apps in order, etc.) but I would put the idea out there that a summer job is expected. And no iPhone or S whatever they are on now. If the phone can still make and receive calls, that's all he needs in an emergency. 18 in HS is hard because the world tells them they are all grown...but they aren't, really. Most of them can't really handle a household yet.

I wouldn't phrase it in the way you did, that he "should have April to relax". Yes, in many ways, the last 2 or 3 months of senior year certainly have more than their share of special and fun senior days (luncheons, banquets, ceremonies, traditions) and it's great for a senior to take part in those. However, March and April and May need to be the time when the scholarships and applications and job interviews are happening. He should not be letting anything slide right now.

Make sure that he is fully aware of what insurance he has and how much it costs, and what points are (if he were to get a ticket or cause an accident) and what is covered and not covered. We made sure our son knew, but it was surprising to me how many of his friends' parents paid for their insurance, and the friends didn't even know the name of their insurance company, never mind what it cost. Show your son the details on paper.

Same with the phone. It's amazing how many kids just say "don't you just get a new phone every year?" or "so tell them it's broken and the company gives you a new one". Nope. Does your son know how much data costs, how much the line costs, etc? And if it's acting up (the smart phone part), does he know how to (and does he) hard-close apps, clear the cache and history and cookies, delete apps that he's not using but may be slowing down his phone, update his phone's operating system? Our teens and young adult kids often know how to text with blinding speed, but they can be surprisingly lax about phone maintenance. If your son's phone is a fairly new one (iPhone 5 or 6, Galaxy 5 or 6, or other new-ish phone) I'd take it in and ask your cell service provider to take a look at the phone and see why the smart phone part is sluggish. Kids often balk at that - "no mom, I just want a new one" - but, that's the breaks. But if your son has a Galaxy 2 or a iPhone 4, or another older model, it might actually be that the phone just can't keep up and the operating system updates aren't compatible.

If you do buy him a phone, don't just hand it to him. It's not like a gift where you take off the price tag. Explain: this phone costs $700 and we'll be including monthly payments for it on our bill, and there's X amount in data charges for a smart phone and X amount for the line charge. Tell him, in writing, signed by all of you, that this is his phone for the next 2 years and if something happens to it (something that was not due to negligence, or poor maintenance, or throwing it around at a party and someone drops it, or loaning it out) in those 2 years, you will not replace it.

Then determine what his responsibilities are as far as college. If he enrolls in a college full-time, and if his performance and grades are at a level you deem satisfactory, tell him that certain privileges will continue (insurance, phone payments). However, if he takes one course, or decides to try to get a 18 month "certificate" in psychology (which wouldn't really be useful in any professional setting), or if he decides to take an online art class where you draw a bunny with crayons, or if he is missing classes, or getting a 2.0 GPA, the privileges end. Be clear. We supported our son through college, paying for his insurance and phone, but his school was really tough and he complied with all the requirements and graduated with a 3.5 GPA. There was no way he could have worked, what with all the lab requirements and heavy class load. Now we still pay for his phone, since it's on our family plan, but he pays his for own rent in his own apartment, insurance, gas and food. The phone isn't very expensive, and it's our way of showing support as he gets established in his industry (audio engineering).

My kids are not at this age yet but here is my opinion. In both my and my husband's family you had to pay for your own gas and insurance which means if you wanted a car you needed a part time job. Also, I like how many people I know say they will get a basic (not smart) phone for their child but if they want a smart phone they need to save up and pay for it themselves. Your son's phone works...he can call in case of an emergency. If he wants an expensive new smart phone he needs to start saving up. I think you are extremely generous parents...you are spoiling him a little! My husband was very stubborn and refused to help pay for gas and insurance when he was in high school. So he never drove because he refused to give in to his dad. Stubbornness runs high in their family! I met him at the end of college and he was still riding his bike everywhere. Finally in our mid 20s I put my foot down and said this is totally ridiculous and taught him how to drive. It only took 9 years for his stubborn streak to run out, ha!

He can go sign up at U S Cellular and it's likely he'll get a smart phone free or for a penny or a dollar. I've never paid more than that for any smart phone. I've had a Razor, Note 2, Galaxy 4, and now have a Galaxy 6. Again, I've NEVER paid more than a dollar for any phone I've had. Not even knew to U S Cellular.

But, if he's still under your agreement and in high school then you have to decide if you keep your word or go back on it. He's too close to flunk out so you don't have to fulfill your agreed upon things?

If he can't use his phone fully I think it needs to be replaced. Either take care of it and keep it on your own plan or let him make his own plan.

But all in all, a student's FIRST priority and first JOB is to go to school, not work. In my opinion even in college if they can't maintain their top GPA then they should spend all their time on school work and not a physical job.

We paid for insurance for car and phones until our boys graduated from college. With the understanding that they keep up their grades. They had jobs all through highschool and college for spending money. They paid for college themselves. I think if your kid gets good grades, is playing sports and you can afford it then keep paying it so he can keep the good grades. But an FYI he should not wait till May to find a job they will be gone taken by the college kids home for the summer.

my kids both worked from the time they were tweens. they also paid their way through university (we handled the associates degrees) so we helped them out while they were in school. we paid for their phones and their car insurance, and both of them inherited old vehicles from us until they were ready to buy their own new-used ones.
my younger graduates from university this may. we'll keep paying his insurance and phone until he gets a job in his field and is settled in his new living situation. he knows this and is ready, and eager, to take them over, and very appreciative of the fact that we've helped out thus far.
we haven't paid for gas, rent, utilities or spending money since they moved out.
but if your son is going to go to college i'd absolutely continue to help him.
khairete
S.

I don't think you can put an age on it. I don't know, my kids are still young, but my mom tried to help me as much as possible in HS and college. I paid for my own car, gas, and insurance in HS but when I went to college I wasn't able to work as much and my mom helped with what she could. I still paid for gas and insurance I think, plus of course all my extra money. My mom wasn't in a place to help me a lot financially but if we are, I'd like to help my kids more if we can...although I guess I learned some life lessons and did just fine! LOL!

I think after college for sure, but until then, it seems flexible.

We are/have been in this exact same boat!!! We do pay for cell phones, but only the low end cheapy ones. If the kids want a "nice" cell phone, they have to pay for their own. If they want an Iphone, they have to buy their own phone AND their own plan. We don't buy vehicles for our kids - they have to share the extra vehicle we have for all kids. If they buy their own vehicle, they are responsible for their own insurance. They are ALWAYS responsible for their own gas.

Our limits have been: we pay for phone service, but not phones (cheap ones in high school, after that, none) until they graduate from college. If they quit or don't go to college, then when they graduate from high school. We pay for car insurance as long as they don't own a car, through college (no one brought a vehicle to college and used the shared one in the summer). Again, if they don't go to college or quit, they pay their own.

Our son, who is our 4th (of 6) child, plays year round sports, is currently 18, and currently does NOT have a job, which is not in keeping with our house rules. He cannot drive the car. He has no money to put gas in. If we let him wait to May (or June) to decide to get a summer job, there wouldn't be any left. Now is the time to be looking. We will not "make" our son work (how could we), but we aren't going to support him NOT working, either. The rest of his siblings all worked, played year round sports, sang in choir, played in band or orchestra, got good grades. Why would we expect any less of kiddo #4?

No one in real life gets handed a new phone, car, etc., without paying for it. I guess why foster that behavior or expectation in our kids to begin with?

I agree with you. My oldest is also a senior and turning 18 this month. When he started driving last summer I was adamant that he pay for his insurance and gas but then I really wanted him to play hockey too. He couldn't work and play hockey (August - November on a travel team and December - March for high school) so I offered to cover those expenses if he wanted to play one last year of sports. He now has a concussion, which puts off his work plans a bit but he is planning on getting a part-time job as soon as he is cleared to resume activities and then he starts working full-time after getting out of school in May. Once he's working at all I'll have him pay for his own gas and part of the insurance, then all of the insurance once he's working full-time.

In my son's case he'll be working FT and in the fall, will take a few classes at a community college and live at home so it will make sense to have him start paying his bills. If your son is going to college though then it's a short time between graduation and heading off to school and might make more sense for him to save his money for the fall instead of spending it on insurance. He should pay some of his way, but maybe have him pay half of his insurance and put the other half in the bank with just a small amount of walking around money.

my parents did the pay for insurance and car and gas till you move out or graduate. (college counted). but as for the phone, once it was no longer used for calling cuz i am late, or for permission to go to xxx house instead of returning for dinner i had to pay for that myself. i got my own appt halfway thru college and thats when i also had to pay for my own insurance and gas and such. (but i had a ft job that paid well enough to cover all that and more)