Where Do I Go from Here?

I have not had to go through such a situation myself but have watched a family member suffer through a divorce from a lying manipulator... If he forged your name once (on the enlistment papers for the Navy), there's nothing stopping from him doing it again (like on a loan). This is what happened with my family member. She only found out about the loan when a police officer showed up on her front lawn to serve her with papers that they were in default on a huge loan that she never knew about which her then-husband secured by forging her name while they were separated. So you should file for divorce as soon as you can.

As for custody, just like all the other posters say, I recommend that you go for sole legal and physcial custody. It shouldn't be too hard based on what you've said. You can definitely offer your husband visitation and hopefully he'll step up and take advantage of it. But don't worry if he doesn't - that just means that you've done the right thing by getting full custody. I understand you being upset about him not taking part in your child's life but, believe me, your child will be better off with an absent father than with one who is a bad person. Start documenting how often (or seldom) your husband sees your child and be very detailed. This will help your case if you have exact dates and details. And no detail is too trivial.

Beyond that, I give you such credit for trying to put your life together by going to school. Self-esteem issues are such a problem with young women today starting especially with our generation. And by trying to work on that through counseling, I think you're giving your child the best gift a mother could give! None of us are perfect but the love we have for our children is so important and can conquer a lot. Keep your head up and know that as long as you are working in the best interest of your child, you're doing the right thing! Good luck!

M., So sorry to read your story! You have a lot on your plate right now. But good for you! You are doing what you need to do to give your son the best life you can.

It sounds like you have some very legitimate concerns with respect to visitation. Follow your instincts. What would it take for you to feel like your son is safe there? What ACTIONS does your husband have to take? Not just words but actual follow-through. Request it and see. If he is a manipulator or abuser you'll probably just get lip service.

If he contests the visitation schedule - so what? It adds a bit of extra work to the process but Friend of the Court will be on your side unless he can demonstrate that there is a safe environment where he is. They may even say that he has to travel to his son for visitation. Those will all be unknowns, unfortunately, until you get through the process.

If you start to feel guilty about holding your position stop and take a look at your intentions. You are not doing it to be mean to your husband, you are doing it for the protection of your son. Those are good intentions and nothing to feel guilty about! That is your job as his mom.

As for the impact on your son, yes, it would be great if your son could know his dad and have time with him but it sounds like your husband needs to do some work to be a good role model and father. That part, unfortunately, is out of your control. Your husband needs to choose to take action to be a good father. If he doesn't, there will be other men in your life; family, people in church, great friends, who can be great role models for your baby as he grows.

I wish you luck!

M., as a first-time mom I was in a similar situation. I don't have any great words of advice, but I can totally empathize. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to get on the right path. The people from my church were HUGE in helping me get through that difficult time. If you don't have a church, you should look around. There are some great support systems offered through local churches. Know that I'll be praying for you!

M.,
I am sorry for your situation...but you need to e strong. Don't let this man manipulate you. I know those type can be really good at it playing guilt cards. You need to go for full custody with supervised visitation rights. This is what is best for your son and you need to do what is best for him. He does not need to grow up with those type anger issues too. Also has he ever hit you???? If so I would contact the police department and find out what you can do especially if you are at all scared for your saftey. You also need to contact lawyer right away. HE/She will give you extra support, strength and guidence that you will need to get through this. Please don't let him talk you into legal seperation. It will be his way of continuing to forge you name on things, ruin your credit, and things of that nature. He probably has an agenda for that idea. Just get away.

Dear M.,
You said that you have problems too, and yes you may be in a mess right now, but I see a young woman who for the love of her child is finally using the strength that she always had in her! I am sorry that your husband has not been a good person but stop trying to force a relationship between him and his son. What you have described to me is not a man I would want as MY father let alone my childs. The best thing for your son is a loving family, not an unstable, selfish, mentally lost father. Get your degree! Stay in counseling! If your counselor isn't working for you, don't quit find one who can actually help you. Fight as hard as you can for sole custody and do not let your husband take your son anywhere. Now go into the kitchen and thank your family again for their support. I know people who had absent fathers and were better off without them. I hope you write again and let us know how school and counseling is going for you. For some reason you have touched my heart and I will be thinking of you and praying for you, your son, your parents, and sister!

-M.

M.-I am very disturbed by your e-mail. It doesn't sound like your husband is good for your son at all! First of all, I can't imagine how being away from his mother will be good for your son, especially since he doesn't know his father. No court will give him that kind of time. No court will even let your husband have him overnight until he is two years old. Please don't let your husband manipulate you. You are a strong person. Don't show fear to him. Stand up for yourself, and most importantly, stand up for your son. I imagine the only reason your husband wants your son is to hurt you. Don't let it happen. I feel for you, I can't imagine being away from my kids, much less have them with someone that I'm not comfortable with. I think you have the upper hand here because he lives out of state, and doesn't see your son right now. I don't think a judge would give him any kind of custody with him in the military anyways. Let him contest the custody, he won't win. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

Stay where you are. You have the love and support of your family. Good for you, you are in school and you can rely on your family to keep your son in a stable, loving environment. It sounds like your husband is a master manipulater and wants to control you through your son. Given the circumsatnces with your husband in the military and the possibility he could be shipped out...no judge would ever give him custody. Don't be afraid. It doesn't sound like he really wants to be involved with your son, he's just trying to get to you through him, Don't let him use that. Run as fast as you can!!

First of all...I am very sorry for your situation and it sounds like you are doing the right thing (divorce). I was reading everyone's advice and there is some great advice. But I really wanted you to be aware of something. If your husband isn't in your son's life now, what makes you think he will be in your son's life after you get divorced? I just want you to seriously think about that. Of course, for your sake and your son's, I hope he is...but reality is, he may not be. Good luck and be strong!!!!!