Whether or Not to Have a Third After a Suprise, Then Misscarriage

OMG! This could have been my post....sort of :) *This may get long*
I was on the Mirena for 4 years after my third child. I wanted hubby to get a vasectomy,but he sort of drug his feet. I got pregnant on the Mirena, but the pregnancy wasn't viable. Even though shocked at the thought of having another baby, we were actually excited and very sad when it didn't happen. We thought after that, we were supposed to have another. We decided to "see what happens" in the next 4 months or so. If we got pregnant, great. If we didn't, it wasn't meant to be. Well, when it came right down to it and I started to think about REALLY having another, I just couldn't do it. Plus, we are super fertile, so I knew that the wait and see approach was basically saying we were going to get pregnant. Hubby was ok with it and we went on with our lives. I was very happy with this decision and started planning my future career,etc. Since I had struggled to figure out what I wanted to do with my job,etc I was delighted to finally figure it out and super excited to start working again. We were planning a trip to Disney...I was REALLY ok with being done. Well, it didn't stay that way. Like I said, we are super fertile and I got pregnant almost exactly a year later. I did not deal well. I was depressed until my baby was about 6 months old. I think because we had made a concious decision that this was not what we wanted, and it happened anyway....that was harder to take.
My older kids are 11,9 and 8. They are in a lot of activities and it make things really difficult to run around and be everywhere I'm supposed to be. Other parents are great. They all like to help me out, but it's still me doing everything getting 4 kids ready to go,etc. My daugther is also a very regimented sleeper, so naps dictate our day. My kids have made comments about wanting to see a movie in the theater. We can't. We have a baby. With all that being said, my kids absolutely are in love with their baby sister. They are huge helpers and say the sacrifices they have had to make are worth it. SO sweet. I once told a friend that no one regrets having a baby, but may regret NOT having one if they were trying to decide on one more. I'm not saying I regret my daughter at all. I love her and she's a sweet, wonderful baby. Would life be easier without a baby? Absolutely. We did go to Disney with a 9 month old. Not a vacation for hubby and me in the least. The kids had a blast, which was the main focus, but it was very challenging. (MIL paid for it, so we weren't going to turn it down! LOL) We said we'd go back when the baby is at least 4 or 5 , so we can all enjoy it. The difference is that even though I saw others getting pregnant and held babies who were so small and smelled so good....I never actually wanted to do it again. I could listen to a friend talk 24/7 about being pregnant and it wouldn't have made me want to do it, too. I made a decision that I was happy about - we had our family and it was perfect. So, the pregnancy was a difficult time for me. Honestly, I still struggle. There are days I cry because I was done with this. I remember sitting at son's ball games, watching other moms with toddlers - running after them- and thinking, "I am soooooo glad I'm done with that" Now my 10 month old is walking around and is a little tornado. She's so incredibly active and in to things....exhausting. Of course, this is a decision you and your husband have to make and I wish you luck in your quest. I'm also not trying to sway you away from a baby. I'm sharing my honest opinion about my own situation and struggles.
I'm also hoping no one thinks I'm terrible for sharing this. Believe me, I'm not happy that I've been less than ecstatic about the blessing of a baby. I love her and would't give her up for the world. It's not been the same experience I had with the others, though. I was in "baby mode" with them- 3 kids in 3 years and that was the season of life I was in. It's just hard going back there.
Good luck to you!

Robin,
Be happy for your family, be happy for your children...be happy for your life. Rejoice in your co-workers pregnancy. Its hard, I know. YOU will be happier in the long run. You were ment to bring up your children. Rejoice in that. I am sorry for you misfortunes. YOU WILL see the biger picture one day. Keep on smilin'!!! :)
M:)

Distance yourself from this "frenemy" and deal with the loss you and your husband had.
Nurture your children, nurture YOURSELF.
My opinion is that you have two WONDERFUL children- a lovely family that needs you. Focus on that and be happy with them. :)

Wow, I don't know what the answer is but one thing does occur to me: making big decisions in a moment of tremendous emotional upheaval is usually not a great idea. You are feeling time pressure because the vasectomy is "taking", but remember that vasectomies can often be reversed. If you really really think that you want another baby, you might talk about reversing the procedure right now before it's all healed, but then WAIT to conceive (or not) and use a really good birth control regime (like, put in an IUD). If that all seems like too much trouble and too invasive for both you and your husband, then you sort of have your answer...remind yourself how much work etc. another baby would be.

As for the other woman, well, it's a sucky coincidence but look on the bright side, at least she was a frenemy to begin with. Wouldn't it be a shame if you had to have these angry/jealous feelings towards someone who is really delightful! This is something you've just got to work through, but if you must steam, go ahead and pull out the voodoo doll and lock yourself in the bathroom. Try to limit your ill wishes to bad hair days and car trouble. Really bad car trouble. You might feel better in the morning. Nobody needs to know and I won't tell a soul.

I also have two healthy kids. I've also miscarried twice. For me, I'm still mourning the losses and my first baby would have turned 3 last month. Your hormones may still be wonky and you'll never have the baby you lost. If you feel that another baby is right for your family, go for it! Another baby won't replace the one you've lost unfortunately.

I think you need time to grieve your loss. Making a decision to try for another baby when you are hurting and exposed could make you feel even worse if you do not succeed in getting pregnant. I am sure that the knowledge of your neighbor's pregnancy and her rather cavalier attitude toward it makes you crave a baby even more. What you are feeling is completely normal. There is nothing wrong with mourning and you can surely find comfort in your husband's arms (and getting busy when you can). Anything can happen and if it is meant to be it will be. In the meantime, love the ones you have near you.

My advice would be to enjoy all of lifes blessings that you seem to have been given, and don't try to force anything. Enjoy your children, be the best possible parent to them, enjoy your vacations, and your new job. If you have any energy and resources after all that, share your good fortunes with someone less fortunate. There are so many kids out there who could use a helping hand. Go with the flow!!!

Your neighbor/co-worker frenemy did not plan to have another pregnancy being on the pill so she is trying to work through her own emotions. I would not give it a second thought that she is flaunting her pregnancy, you don't know what she and her husband are really going through. Everything does happen for a reason I never second guess this statement. Your family was complete and your lives were finally going back on track. If you both decide that another baby would be a bonus he can have the vasectomy reversed. I would give your body a chance to heal and definitely give some thought to sorting out your emotions of loss before taking on anything else at the moment.

Have a long talk with your husband about it and come to a decision. There will be pros and cons to either decision.

I would feel exactly the same way you are. It's a tough decision. By the way, it sounds like the slipping and falling had nothing to do with the miscarriage, if that makes you feel any better. If you went to the doctor right away and there was nothing on the ultrasound, then the baby hadn't been viable. I had the same kind of miscarriage at your age. Low hormones, baby not visible. But I had to have a D&C.

I would say to go about your business and if you get pregnant again great, if not, it was not meant to be. Figure out when you are ovulating and try once or twice, see what happens without any birth control. Try to get yourself to just relax and let nature play its role. Easier said then not, but try not to think much about it. If you do not get pregnant, oh well. I am sure if you do, you will be thrilled! Just do not make yourself crazy trying to get pregnant in your small window of time! Just go about your business and see what happens!! Good luck. Whatever happens, was meant to be!!

You are right that no one can answer these things except you. Regardless of the frenemy(I just love that term), everything you are dealing with are emotions I am dealing with right now so they are very normal emotions. You and your husband need to decide where to go from here! Only you know your situation.