How do you know whether a 2.5 year old's request is legit or whether it's just a power game. My boy is good, great temperment. But lately everything is "I WANT" (without asking...which we are working on that and please and thank you!), or WHINING. When he throws his fits they are more like him throwing himself to the ground and pouting, but sometimes crying. I leave him there sometimes to work it out himself and to see that we're not backing down, other times I go over to pray with him and ask God to help him understand that mommy and daddy are trying to keep him safe and take care of him. Then he gets up. I do try to motivation thing. Like dangle the pacifier to get him upstairs or ask him if he wants to doodle upstairs before bed. Getting up the stair is crying b/c he wants us both to do it. Brushing teeth is a nightmare just recently. Then changing his diaper and and jammies is crying. Finally it's a fight as to how many books we read before bed. I've started to get stern with him and stick by my word. It seems to be helping. But I don't want to neglect a legit need of his. If having both parents for bedtime is his need, I can handle that. But he CAN talk and ask for his needs...how do I stop the whining and crying...or at least weed through it?
P.S. Is there anyone out there who is NOT immunising their children, if so, why?
Hi,
With the whining, I simply do not respond to it. I say... I can't understand you when you speak like that and don't respond until they speak normally. Also, when they "demand" something, I ask them to say it in a sentence.... ex: Can I have the juice please?, instead of Juice! or Juice, please. I find both these methods really work because the kids know they are not going to get what they want unless they ask the right way. GL!
My advice is legit or not if he whines do notlet him get it. Simply state that if he uses his whiny voice he does not get what he wants. If he throws a tantrum ignore him and go about doing your work.
The minute he uses his proper voice pay attention. After the first few times he will realize you mean it.
Hi C.: I don't have any magic words, other then stand firm. My two and a half year old daughter is trying my nerves also. I think its a phase to see how much cntrol they can get. Does your son talk alot yet? I know now that Lily is starting to talk more, some of the whining has stopped. As for vaccinating, both my children are update on everyone my doctor said to give. Whenever someone says they aren't going to vaccinate, I always think, "How is this person going to feel if their child gets ill or heaven forbid dies from something that is preventable by vaccines?" I think NOT vaccinating is very irrespsonsible. Just my opinion of course.
PS Not vaccinating. The toxic load is too great on the body. I am convinced that it cripples the immune system instead of honoring the body's natural desire to be healthy. It's creating super-viruses and tipping the scale of nature. The drug companies have not been forced to be honest and holistic in their choices by putting the health of the children of the world first. The policies that force parents to vaccinate - and I mean force - are not about health, but about commerce. I'm Canadian, and in Canada it is against the constitution to force parents to potentially harm their own children. Therefore, vaccination is strongly recommended but is still a choice and it is against the constitution to deny children schooling due to this choice. In Canada there is a healthy ongoing discussion about the pros and cons of the vaccination policy and non-vaccinating parents are not treated like criminals or religious fanatics.
The lack of choice in this country is the real disease. I just cannot trust any policy that is clearly about money and not the welfare of the children. It makes me question all the science around it. And I feel the need to protect my children from the damaging toxic load that this government is willing to subject them to. But then isn't that my job as a parent? To advocate for and protect my children?
Vaccinating your children a personal choice, a family choice...not an obligation...and I would suggest to you that you regard it as that...a choice. Educate yourself about the issue and then make that choice for your kids. Don't allow the government to bully you. Once your kids' health is compromised you may not be able to get it back. It's up to you to decide which side of the issue your heart is on and be true to your kids.
At 2.75, my son hit a similar STAGE (that is all it is), except it was "I DON'T WANT TO...(fill in the blank with just about everything). It started out at literally 100 or so times a day. I don't know if what we did worked, but we were just firm about asking him to stop using that phrase. We firmly stated that what he brushing his teeth, getting dressed/undressed, etc he "had to do"-it was not an option, it was necessary. I also would mention when he would start whining that " oh no, we are in a no whining zone-Please use your words so that I can understand". And never ever giving him anything without a please and thank you. If he watches Noggin at all, the backyardigans have a great "please and thank you" song that is catchy. That channel has really re-inforced all the good manners and habits we have tried to instill on our older son. Take some deep breaths, be firm, but start explaining the why's-we found that with our son that was sometimes all he needed to know. And remember he is just trying to assert his independence, the first of many times I suspect that this will happen. Pick your battles, try letting him make some minor decisions and maybe he will let you make the more important ones.
As for the immunization. With child #1, my pediatrician made me feel like an awful parent so I gave in and got them all on time. With child #2, my husband and I discussed spreading them out a little longer to not have some many at one time, but ultimately decided it was in his best interest to just go through with them on time. He is exposed to many children through our business, some of whom are not immunized and have been exposed to some diseases I do not want mine to get. I also spoke to other parents(two of them pediatricians), and did some research and found that although it seems as though immunizations are linked to autism (which was a huge fear of mine), it is most likely that the timing of when their "symtoms" start to come out coincides with their one year immunizations. That said, it is your child, your choice. Weigh all your options and choose what YOU think is the best for YOUR child. Just know that if you decide to send him to preschool he will need them eventually. GOOD LUCK with everything.
My son just turned 3 and does the same kind of thing and it has been worse lately since we also have a 2 month old. Anyway, the "I can't understand you when you talk like that" approach works when used consistently. If I can understand and it is an otherwise reasonable request I tell him try saying it nicely or try saying please. If his request is not acceptable to me I say "I'm sorry you are upset but that isn't going to happen"--then wait out the tantrum. I try and praise and reward good behavior when I can. This has improved his behavior in the grocery store tremendously in the last 6-9 months (at the cost of about a $1 treat per week, usually a matchbox car or stickers). Also, I do give him a bit of flexibility if he is extra tired, hungry or sick. Still some days do feel like all disipline, time outs, and tantrums.
As for the vaccination issue, after reading up on the subject I chose to vaccinate on a slower schedule. My grandparents were nurses in the days before antibiotics and several relatives have lived in 3rd workd countries so not vaccinating at all seemed like a riskier choice to me. Basically I wanted to have each vaccine given individually once so I could tell if there was a reaction. After that I had the doctor do only 2 vaccines or one combo vaccine at a time. My son is a big, healthy kid and has had no problems and my daughter only had one vaccination so far (probably more this month). Good luck figuring out the best choice for you.
In our house whining is not an acceptable form of communication. I tell my daughter to use her nice-normal voice or I can't hear her. She has a wonderful vocabulary and there is no need for crying and whining. If she continues she gets to choose to take a break in the time out chair or change her voice. She understands that to not change her voice is choosing the chair. 2mins in the chair and she gets to choose again. More time in the chair of use her nice normal voice. Most of the time she chooses to use her nice voice. I stick to it. I do not follow thru with any request that comes in the form of whining. To get to this place it took a while. Kids want to see if you really intend to keep the lines you set or if they will get away with crossing them. Consistency is key with any method you choose. I will also warn that my method took at least a week or so of it appearing to not be working and days that were even worse before she came to believe I meant what I said. Best wishes.
Hi C..
When my girl started whining and crying, I simply didn't understand her. At first she was furious, than she started talking normally again. You should know your stand, but if you change it than it is not a stand. You said "I leave him there sometimes to work it out himself and to see that we're not backing down, other times I..." - your response for that behavior was ignoring, that’s good – now stick to it, no "other times"! When you say “no” you should mean that, so he will learn who is in charge. Don't let him be - you're not doing him a favor! You said “I've started to get stern with him and stick by my word. It seems to be helping.” - just keep on doing it!
Wish you the best,
S.
It seems that he has found away to communicate to the both of you without saying a word. Please don't get me wrong but I am a mother of five and I could not stand whining. Here is a few ideas. 1. tell him you don't understand even when you do know what he wants. 2. you know what he wants when he cries right? but pretend you don't and give him the wrong thing every time he cries for it and say "is this it?". And when he cries harder which he will! repeat#1. This won't work over night but it will help him to try to say what he wants. He is 2.5 he don't need a pacifer it will mess up his teeth and that is another way of keeping him in the baby stage he is going to be three soon try giving him something to do like pick up his toys and tell him he is a big boy.
My oldest child scared me but I learned from that point that children are smart. I told her not to touch my candle and the more I said it the more she wanted it I forgot to move it and she touch it and the candle fell on her toe she was 11.5 months she never touch that candle again no matter where I put it that is when I knew that babies understand, and I begin to teach her things early. She went to the bathroom at 18 months old took her first steps at 13 months and was able to tell you her age and where she lived, count to ten in spanish and english at 2.5. Children are smarter then you can imagine just take out the time and watch his moves and take advantage of what he knows and teach him.
I just tell my 3 yo and almost 2 yo that I don't understand when they talk that way...and I don't give in. Most times I only have to say it once or twice before they will stop the whining/crying and ask in a normal voice. If they just say "I want", I ask them "well if you want it, how do you ask for it?"...this almost always is followed by "may I please have, or please can I have"...When it gets to the point that they aren't listing or doing what I say, I look at the circumstances. Are they really into something (tv, toy, puzzles, etc...)? If they are, I rephrase so when you are finished with xxx, we are going to do y....or when the timer goes off...that way, they know there's a limit and what is going to happen next. If they are just being 'braty', then I tell them I will take a toy away until you can learn to listen (or don't do something, etc), and the very next time I take the toy away. Always results in tears, but when they finally do what I asked, I give it back and explain why I took it away. Stick to it. It does get easier once they learn the rules!
As far as vaccinating...why take the risk? Why would you intentionally put your child in danger of getting a preventable disease? Just my opinion, but having worked as a paramedic for the better part of 10 years, I would never even think about Not vaccinating and wish there were vaccinations for a whole host of other things!
Do not bargain and do NOT bribe - that teaches children that if they act bratty, they get what they want, and whining is the way to get something nice. You are the mother, and what you say goes. If it's not unreasonable, give in, but stay strong. when he has a tantrum, you are giving him attention, and that's what he wants. If the needs are legitimate, give in, but remember that at this age, they are VERY manipulative. One more book, mommy AND daddy tucking him in... none of this is imperative and it's just his way of showing you he's boss. He's not. You are and you need to put your foot down or he will rule you.
this has worked for me.. say to him, "i'm sorry, but i can't understand you when you talk like that"
it works like a charm for my 3 yo. A.
C.,
Pick him up every time. Do what you have been doing - praying. Be consistent. He follows that it sounds like.
Direct contact, explanation, prayer, follow-through, redirection and then see how he reacts in a couple of months.
I wouldn't use the word 'whining' with him either - I'd use positive words that reaffirm that he is doing well the rest of the time.
Good luck,
M.
In terms of the vaccine issue, I'm with Heather C (below) on this one. Also, I had a neighbor die from the DPT shot when I was a child--but first she lived to be a teenager, but in a vegetative state. She had been a completely healthy child until after the vaccine, when her brain started seizing, and never stopped. I know that was the old form of the shot, as others will point out, but they are constantly deciding, "Oops. Maybe not such a good idea to include x in our children's vaccines." (mercury, aluminum, etc. Oh wait, they haven't removed aluminum).
Anyway, it does have to be a family decision, and it's a personal one. As long as you make your decision with careful thought and consideration, you'll make the right choice for your family. I also recommend the Dr. Sears Vaccine book. It is actually pro-vaccine, but he tells you exactly what's in each vaccine, the pros, cons, etc.
Good luck.
Dear C.,
My son is right with yours on the whining thing. I do what a lot of moms here said, some variation on "if you whine, you don't get what you're whining for." I also try to catch it early, on the first "whine-ish" sound, and let him know that that's not acceptable. My son seems to "find his nice voice" more easily if he hasn't descended into full-on whine and snivel mode. We've been on this program for about two months now, and we're seeing some good results, but we're by no means out of the woods yet. My problem is that I wind up rewarding my son for not whining by giving him what he's asking for, and I'm not sure that's the right approach. As in, "if you ask in a nice voice, then I'll carry you down the stairs...." But with that, I effectively bargain myself out of being able to say "You're a big boy, you can walk." Anyone have any ideas on that one?
On the vaccines, our pediatrician, who is on the holistic side and willing to at least engage in the subject, advised me to look at the state-by-state autism rates and then rethink the putative autism link. Basically, the autism rates in New Jersey are astronomical. In Iowa, they're virtually nonexistent. But neither the vaccination rates nor the diagnostic practices differ much between the two states. What is different is New Jersey's long history of industrial pollution. And heavily polluted areas, where you get cancer clusters, also have autism clusters. So I'm more and more convinced that it makes sense to look at autism in environmental terms. If you're on the fence, though, you might look at the Dr. Sears Vaccination Book. That includes an alternate vaccine schedule, with the vaccines more spread out and fewer multi-vaccine "cocktails."
Best of luck,
Mira
Hello Cristen
It could work to give him a little prize for everyday he behaves well, maybe a lollipop or something like that everyday he says please and thank you, etc.
Also, you should try telling him that you don't understand what he says when he speaks in that tone of voice. That way, he'll have to ask things properly son he can get them.
good luck!
Our strategy has always been to consistently say: "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you whine". Repeat. Over and over if necessary. We had 'cured' our son of whining, then he started kindergarten. Sometimes he will whine or use baby talk, but we just repeat that we can't understand him and he switches to his normal voice almost immediately. Once he has made his request in his normal voice, we react promptly, usually accompanied by a comment about how easy he was to understand, or See how easy that was? Please and Thank You are mandatory, and are magic words, that "unlock" requests so to speak.
If you respond favorably to the whining, crying and demands than you teach him that it works and he will continue it, and escalate it, to get what he wants. If you teach him that acting up delays or prevents him getting what he wants but speaking normally and saying please gets it quickly, he should change his tune. As long as you and your husband stand as a united, consistent front.
