Will I Ever Figure Out Where I Fit?

well i'm not over 40 but i have some of the same fears that you do at 29. sometimes i don't know what to do with my son sometimes and feel like i'm selling him short when i really don't know what to so with him on hot days( it get;s pretty hot here in michigan too and we have one car also) and i also have my boyfriend;s 6 year old living with us for the summer. but each day is a learning experince. not going to lie some days they have a DS or TV (DS=nintendo ds) day but then sometimes i take them out to get wet in the water hose or i wait till the sun goes down and take them bike riding.or i color with them, or i make make-shift work sheets for them to do. or i make them eatch something educational on tv( cable has ON DEMAND PROGRAMS JUST FOR THAT). when my son was in daycare i asked for worksheet to bring home and work on them with him. i know the veg state too. i get extremely tired to because being a SAHM is work too. so don't fell bad just live each day and learn from it. and sometimes kids don't need you to be Martha Stewart on the creative end and find these elaborate activities for them to do. so good luck and know that you are not alone!

I think there are very few people lucky enough to know exactly what they want to do in life. Most of us, from a succession of jobs, learn what we NEVER want to do again, which gives some inspiration to find the next thing. You are simply normal.

Even when life is working perfectly, being a mom is an incredibly demanding yet BORING job. I was so lonely those first few years when I stayed home with my daughter, but when the 2nd arrived I had a network of moms in place for play dates and outings without kids.

It sounds to me like you are down now, but you could even be slightly depressed. Have you talked with your doctor about this? Be open and really tell her what you feel. I had post partum depression when my 1st child was 3 months and I felt that "all I have to do is take care of this little baby, why can't I do that without feeling tired and crying all the time". I got help and felt better within weeks. You should also let your husband read the above, or just email it to him with the header: "something I have been keeping inside and don't know how to talk about."

If you want to be more creative in play time with your son, just mimic what the school does. Have some blocks for building time, then make a mess with cooking pancakes together (he can break eggs and stir), then read to him for a while, then tell him it is time for quiet play or a nap, etc. Or just take him places you like: when mine were little I would strap them in the stroller with a lunch snack in front of them in a divided container (some cereal pieces, some rolled up ham, some strawberries) and a sippie cup and take a long walk in a busy town to window shop. It takes pre-planning to go anywhere with a kid, but at this point they still just come along because they have to. Plan driving time around nap time. Mine are 10 and 13 and now don't want to do half the things I enjoy, but now they can entertain themselves, so there are positives with every age.

Is the orphanage still a dream? Is the artistic end of things still fun? How about a part time job in an art supply store? Weekend hours when hubbie can do child care? Or volunteer at a local orphanage or adoption agency, perhaps you can bring your son? Or just volunteer for the local anything, call town hall and see what groups are in your town (our town has a website with listings) that need a helping hand. There are ladies who maintain the flower planters at various places on town, and a child can easily sit in the stroller while you help and chat with them. ANYTHING that brings you in contact with other adults will bring some social activities or even friendship into your life.

If one child seems too much already maybe this is not a good idea, but once we had 2 girls they seemed to keep each other entertained a lot (of course not the first baby year, but after that). And the big sister was a lot of help to me and learned some good sharing lessons. Of course you could have 2 kids that fight all the time, but who knows, maybe when the need arises you would become a great disciplinarian and find your "fit".

I have a degree in Physics from a Ga. Tech and worked in the super technical world for many years before I finally realized I like the marketing/sales aspects much better. I "moved" my career in that direction. In hind sight I can explain why I made the progression of job moves, but at the time there was often the "I have to get out of here" motivation that made me find another job. I guess I have been a good bull**** artist, but in looking back it actually all makes sense (I am 49). I too had no clue what I wanted to do with life, but there have been distinct stages and I am in the next stage now (working part time again after staying home for 10 years).

I would say take a small step now and call about 1 thing you might enjoy - is there a book club, walking group, library reading hour where other moms of toddler congregate, etc. Set up 1 thing to look forward to, and then next week plan 2 things. The momentum might build from that, or you might find some things are not as fun as you hoped, but at least you got out of the house and did something.

You are not a loser or a failure. You are actually quit thoughtful and caring to even think that way. A true loser would just sit and veg out and not even think what is best for the future or for their child.

Consider yourself hugged.
Catharina

I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. My trade was hairdressing so my hubby built me a small area in the basement and I worked at that for over 15 years earning extra cash for the family, yet being able to work around my kids schedule. I had the best of both worlds, then my son went to college and my daughter high school. I had to rediscover myself. I knew I loved children and knew at my age 44 at the time I did not want to go back into a hair salon, where I was waayyyy out of my league. So I went to work with my mom at a childcare center and found my passion. I loved it. I did some online courses and finished my education. I am now 50 years old and am going into my third year owning my own Montessori preschool. I purchased the school with 17 students and currently now have 76 children enrolled with a waitlist. I do not regret one minute of staying home and raising my children I loved it all and I missed nothing. Point is it is never to late to reinvent yourself and follow your dreams. So try different things, volunteer if you have to, find your passion and go with it. I am living proof with determination you can do it. Remember raising your children is the most important job you will do. Teaching them right from wrong and sending them into the world, that is your accomplishment, so never feel like a loser being just a mom!!!!!!!!!!!

You definitely sound like you need to work on your self confidence as a women and a mother. Do not base your success on financial accomplishments. I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. If you have time look at the Hannah Keeley website. She is an inspiration and was a huge help for me. I am 40 and rediscovering myself. My goal right now is dealing with my past, losing weight, becoming a healthier and happier mom. I no longer judge my self-worth by the paycheck I bring home because at the end of the day how much I made is not going to matter to anyone. How happy I was and how happy I made those I came in contact with will. Good luck!

I can relate to much of what you're saying. I went back to school a couple of years before the birth of my first child to study graphic design. Although I have yet to use that degree or the first one I received in social work in any significant way, I did discover that I love being creative. Whenever I have the opportunity to create, I am at my happiest. You mentioned that you are a creative type - I would recommend using your strengths and find creative endeavors around the house - if not to make money, at least for your own (and your family's) satisfaction and benefit. The office supply and craft stores are great sources of inspiration. Also, take a painting/sculpting/designing class that will help get you motivated to create your own unique work.

P.,

I think part of this feeling is age related. I'd ask you not to be too hard on yourself AND START EXPLORING. Don't wait for the perfect thing to come along. Stop awaiting the light bulb to go off. Sit down and make a list of all the things that you enjoy. Then pick one and do something about it. Don't worry whether it will turn into a life long career or the ultimate fulfillment. Just experiment. And cut yourself some slack. You still have a very young child so my guess is most your focus will stay on him for a number of years. You also have financial obligations. That is okay! Enjoy your son and do what you can to help out with money. I think you could just be in a typical slump that we Mom's get into trying to "be it all." Taking care of others and fulfilling ourselves is no easy task.

Also, if this year the "passion" that keeps your creative juices flowing is scrapbooking.......then enjoy it! Do not over evaluate what is "worthy."

For example.......I love to write. So for a year I wrote like crazy. The "book" sits on my computer. I kind of blocked and haven't wanted to continue for a few years. Okay! I was creating in that way for awhile. It didn't take off and so I moved on to creating in other ways. I might come back to it later.

What I am trying to say to you is this...... in our society there is a lot of pressure on women and we seem to measure our self worth on successes, but those successes can be small and still be very worthy. That I even wrote anything at all was a success to me. That I created great scrapbooks for each of my children is a great success, and now that I started a small business that is a success too, but none of those are an ultimate success. I am also just enjoying "being." I meditate and get great pleasure out of reading a book or making a friend smile. Those are great things too, and I am blessed to have the time to do both.

Email me if you need an ear. Hang in there and tell yourself you WORTHY!

You are not a loser.

First, please address what could be a case of depression. You shouldn't be thinking of yourself as a "loser." Also, you seem to be a bit isolated socially, and that can't help. Maybe you can put your people skills to good use by building a network of other Moms in your area who can provide some friendship for you and play dates for your son.

For figuring out a career, try the book "What Color is Your Parachute" by Richard Bolles. It helps you determine what your passions are, and how to find a career that fits. The book has been around for nearly 30 years, but it's updated annually. Lots of us in mid-life are still trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up. Good luck!

P.,
You are NOT a loser. A loser doesn't seek advise in how to be a better mom/woman. Even if you see yourself as a failure in some areas, I admire you so much! In 2001, you took your life into your hands and changed your professional career, then started your own business and now work in a start-up, while having a child!
I' also a work-at-home mom and I know how much sacrifice and trade-offs this means. Even if the financial outcomes have not been as great as expected YOU, as a person, are admirable and so courageous. Nothing like a loser to me!
As for pursuing your career/find where you fit, I second the advice of "What color is your parachute" book.
For your indoors tie with your child, he is 3 now, so you can let him "lead" free play. My son is also 3 and full of imagination as far as playing with e goes, whether I'm the witch, the monster, the dragon, the baby, the misbehaved little boy, grocery clerk...
For crafts ideas, Internet is full of resources. Try parenting.com/activities for example. Or, depending on your mood, your can google "craft with egg cartons, milk jugs, green, blue, firefighters, dinosaurs..." If your child is watching TV, you can check the web page of his favorite characters. Especially PBSkids.org offers lots of ideas of crafts and learning tips for most of their shows (they even have sections for educators).
Read to him a lot, cuddle with him, always remember you are a role model (he will do what you do, not what you say!) and he will be fine with the best mom ever!
He is a lucky little boy to have you as his mom!

I totally get how you feel. It is so hard sometimes to find your way and like you I have found that turning 40 made it worse. Here is how it went for me. I actually found success in the work world but lost my way between my 2nd and 3rd children. Just lost my desire, didn't know what to do with my talents, didn't have any ambition for anything, and like you even lost my desire to play with my children. It is a very sad place to be and does feel hopeless. Here is where I am today, I still haven't found my calling but have found some things that help me find fulfillment.

First, I quit comparing myself to anyone. It is a killer! You already mentioned how motivated your husband is and made reference that you are not like him as though it is bad. Things that fulfill your husband's needs are never going to be what fulfills yours. Appreciate that you are creative and people friendly. Just because you are not earning money at it doesn't mean you cannot enjoy your talents. Get online and find some fun crafts and social outlets you can enjoy with your son.

Second, find someone, something or some book that inspires you. I found a book by Joel Osteen called "Your Best Life Now". It is religious-based but in my opinion, very inspiring and gives me a lot of direction. It is basically a book of daily readings that help you keep a strong frame of mind and live in favor rather than regret and disappointment.

Third, focus, focus, focus on the good things in your life and completely delete what you think are your downfalls! It is so defeating and counterproductive. You may be looking at your life as unsuccessful and useless but your son thinks you are the the bomb! There are women out there who desperately want children and look at you as the luckiest woman on the planet because of your little miracle. There are millions of women out there that can only pray that their husbands would have the ambition to go out and become a doctor or even get a job at all.

It all comes down to appreciation and gratitude. As soon as you forget about being something you are not (or not yet) and focus on who you are and pour your appreciation into it, the more your calling will come into light. I know it sounds rose-colored but it is the only state of mind that worked for me. Like I said, I have not found my calling, I am not successful financially like I was before. In fact, I am not able to earn anything right now which I could chose to let defeat me. I have chosen to trust that my direction will present itself and in the meantime, I get to be thankful every day that I have the three kids that I do, that I have a husband that works his tail off and I have a home to live in and food to eat.

Good luck, it is a tough road but you will find your way.