Working Mom with Child That Doesn't Want Her

Tell her "That's OK--I love you enough for both of us." Keep a stiff upper lip. Never let her see you sweat. Kids sense that like a shark senses blood in the water. You're not doing anything wrong.

I would not punish her! She is expressing her feelings, just because you do not like how she feels does not mean her feelings are not legitimate. No one has the right to tell another how they are allowed to feel! Rather than punish her for expressing how she feels, why not sit down and talk with her. Ask her why she is mad with mommy, and if mommy can do anything to help fix it or to help her feel better.

I didn't read all the other answers and I saw your update, but I wanted to share what I did when my DS started to do this with Daddy.

About an hour before I knew my DH was going to get home I started to let my DS know "OK Daddy will be here soon. What game should we play when he gets here?" Giving my DS the heads up that daddy was coming home helped him prepare emotionally. It's just like giving him a 10 minute warning that it was time to leave the park or a play date. I realized that my DH walking through the door without preparing my DS was making him upset.

One game that worked was hide & seek. When my DH came home first thing he would do was look for us. My son would just giggle and by the time my DH found him, my DS would be laughing and happy to see Daddy at that point. Another thing that worked was playing a board game, puzzle or Playdoh. We would start setting it up before Daddy got home so when he walked in, the game was ready and my DS would be begging Daddy to hurry up and come play.

Making tents with blankets and having my DS in there with a flashlight when Daddy got home was his favorite I think. My DS would be all excited to tell Daddy about the “bears” we saw or the marshmallows we were roasting over the “campfire”. My DS loves imaginary play so I went with that.

Maybe your husband can try this? It will pass soon but maybe if this works, until then, it can be more fun and less stress =-)

HTH

My son does the same thing to me. We both work, but my husband is the "primary caregiver" due to his hours and flexible work. My son jumped on him one night and said "I don't like Mommy" and I burst into tears. Eventually, I came to understand that he was more angry/annoyed with me than anything else. At this age, they generalize words and phrases without realizing the impact of their statements.

I wouldn't get too upset over it, but I wouldn't tolerate the statements either. If she says it, give her a verbal redirection "I'm sorry you feel that way b/c Mommy certainly loves you!" and then walk away for a while- go change clothes so that she knows you are home for the night or get a glass of water. If she says it again, "we use kind words in this house or you go to time out". If she says it again put her in timeout immediately. When you take her out, hold her on your lap and tell her that she hurts you when she says mean things and that she has to use kind words and then go on with your night.

You are probably reacting to her first statement and then "begging" her to change her mind or chasing her around to get her to interact and reinforcing her behavior. Setting boundaries will eventually get the message across. In the meantime, please know that she doesn't really mean it, but is probably just letting you know that she doesn't like when you are away... that's a good thing!

I'm glad you got the responses you needed (isn't this site great?)! I didn't see in the responses Oedipal syndrome. Perfectly normal for this stage in her life and nothing against you (although she says Can't Like to express it). She loves you; She really does. Right now her Daddy is her sun and moon. As a mom who went through this with three girls (in a row), I know how much it hurts. I'm so sorry for that. But, magically around age 4, I began to (and still) have the most wonderful relationships with my daughters. They still think Dad is the sun and the moon, but I am the entire Milky Way!

This is actually pretty typical. It doesn't make you feel any better, but you're daughter isn't the only child to behave this way.
I did daycare for years and I had kids who asked every 5 minutes how much longer til mommy got there and then when she finally did, they acted like she didn't exist or like they didn't want to go home. In my observation, it just got worse the more the parents got upset about it.
We miss our kids all day and have this vision of them running to us with open arms for a big hug when they see us and our hearts are crushed when the air is let out of our balloon.
It does hurt, but it's not intentional on the child's part and they really do outgrow it.
Try a different tecnique when you get home. Less fanfare. Be non-chalant about things. Come in, kiss your husband hello, say hello to your daughter, put your purse down, take your coat off. Change your clothes, go about your business. I'm not saying to ignore your daughter completely, but if she runs to hide....don't go looking for her. If she clings to dad, just don't pay attention to it. Sit down on the floor with some polish to paint your toe nails or something that will interest her so she will come to you. Don't invite her over, just do your thing kind of like she's not even there.
It always worked at daycare. I had the moms come in, and then sit down for a cup of tea and a visit for a few minutes as if they were there to see ME and sure enough, there was no hiding or clinging anymore. It's a spin on not playing the "chase me" game.
I wouldn't put your daughter in time-out for saying she doesn't want you. You know she doesn't mean that. Try making less a deal about it. She can't pull away from you if you aren't reaching for her.
Try a different angle, mama. This will pass.

Best wishes.

Don't punish her... Take it from me - if your child finds "something" they can use to get to you, they will RUN with it. She can tell that it upsets you (and yes, she probably IS a little mad that you went off and "left her" all day), so it gives her power over you (and Daddy, too). If she's mature enough, maybe you and Daddy can take her to your office and show her you're not off at a party or something exciting, but working all day, and it's not so much fun! My son did much the same thing, so we spent time explaining (over and over) what Mommy does all day at work, and why she has to go, and how much she hates leaving in the morning, etc. but WHY she has to go anyway.... He's 4, and he totally gets it now. I even get a huge "MOOOOOMMMMMM!" from the top of the stairs when I open the door in the evening. :)

She is missing you during the day and this is how she shows you that hurt. Animals... notoriously cats, do the same thing to their owners when they leave for short vacations, as the animal feels hurt that they were left. It's psychology.

Instead of the punishing, help her learn to cope with her anger, as described by child expert Dr. Sears here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t061700.asp

Continue doing the cuddling and mommy dates, it will pass eventually. Perhaps, some evenings, her dad can leave the house for a while so you can have alone time with her.

My daughter went through a period where it was just my husband that she wanted, now she prefers me. It will pass.

She may be upset that you were gone all day and daddy was home. So, when you get home, she doesn't want you because she is still mad.

Toddlers will sometimes say the most outrageous and/or hurtful things. They are still developing their language and emotional processing skills.

For a while my niece would say, "I don't love you. I do love my Mama and Nana." This was her way of saying, "I feel angry, sad and confused that my Mom is not around. I did not chose to live with you and I miss my Mom. If I reject you, my Mom will come back." Yes, it really hurt to hear her words, even though I understood the reason for them.

When she said that she didn't love me, or didn't like me, I would reply: "I love you enough for the both of us. I know you love me as well and I feel sad when you say you don't. It is alright to feel X (angry, sad, confused, etc.) and miss your Mom. You can love your Mom, Nana AND Me. I love your Mom and miss her too. I love you with all my heart and will love you even if you feel angry or sad. I will always love you and I am sorry that you don't feel happy right now." After a couple of days of very calmly asserting my love for her, and attempting to be safe for her to share her words and emotions (no matter how upsetting they might have been) they phased out. Sometimes she will get triggered and "relapse" into those patterns. It feels like starting over. But I continue to react calmly and after a few hours or days, she seems recovered.

edit to add: Perhaps you could say something along the lines of, "it seems like you feel angry and/or X (describe to her what she is feeling so she can develop the language) because I was gone all day. I know you love Daddy and love spending time with him. I love spending time with you and him too. I have to go to work during the day. I miss you when I am gone, but need to work so to support us. It's okay if you feel angry and/or X when I am gone. I am here now and I love you."

Hope that helps. I know it can be painful.

Aw, a hug to you for working all day to bring home the bacon :) I didn't read any of the other posts... but does your husband call you (or you call) during the day so she can hear your voice? Or talk about you throughout the day, make YOU arts/crafts, paint you pics during the day...? We had the same problem with my daughter, WHO ALSO says "can't like". I have a few pictures of her daddy in the main rooms we hang out in and will say "let's say hi to Daddy" and blow a kiss/wave at the picture. What really gets my kids fired up for him to get home, is my husband will call before he leaves the office and I act (not entirely act :) ) all excited and do a Daddy's coming home dance and look out the window and they do the same. They follow my actions... How is your mood when you get home? Maybe your husband acts different when your home and she doesn't like it. Does he go from fun/goofy Dad to the serious husband when you walk in the door? Another lingering thought is to just recommend that your husband try being as consistent as possible, whether you're there or not. It will get better, I promise...

I would say just ignore the behavior and it will quickly evaporate. Your husband is right tho, dont take it personally, she has no idea what she's doing. If you were the stay at home mom and dad was the one coming home, she'd pull the same thing.... it's a control issue, she is playing with it. If she's getting attention for the shunning, she will continue it for that payoff. Dont chase her for a kiss, OR DO chase her for a kiss and make it a game rather than feeling bad about it. She'll look forward to the chase game when you get home, maybe had\ve Dad change it to hide and seek, and she'll be ready when you come through the door and you have to find her and then love her up.

This is very normal behavior for a child her age. They favor one parent for awhile and then it switches to the other parent. No need to really do anything about it but just go with what she wants - it won't last for long.

It's probably jealously over her dad, which is natural considering she spends all day with him. How about coming in and greeting/hugging/kissing Dad first? Then pull her into the the hug if she approaches. Otherwise, move on with your business and ignore it. She'll come around when she see's that you nor Dad are going to acknowledge that behavior in any way.
My son does this kind of thing all the time. Telling me he doesn't love me and he doesn't want me. I just tell him that's ok- Daddy loves me and wants me, and that's good enough for me. When I say that, he changes his tune pretty quick. He just does it to get attention, so I don't take it personally. Try not to either. This will pass.

Aw-that has to hurt. One thing-does your husband take her to places where there are a lot of mommies and their kids during the day? Maybe she is thinking that is what 'should' be happening and she is mad at you for not being with her like the other mommies. I don't know-just a thought. If you think this could possibly be it then have your DH make some daddy friends to hang with maybe-just to model that daddies stay with kids in the day also. And also take her on the weekend just the 2 of you to whatever it is that they do together. Park, library, Gymboree-whatever.

Don't worry-in a couple of years she will be doing it to your husband!

I know it is difficult to hear that anyone does not like you especially your child. Children go through many many phases and this is one of them. She is just learning how she can control the situation with her words. When she says that just say MOMMY LOVES YOU! Make a game out of the situation and take the whole thing in a very lighthearted manner. When my son was that age he decided that he liked daycare better then home. That was hard to handle!! Things can change tomorrow with kids. If she does not respond to that then go away and do what you need to do. She will come around.

I was always a SAHM, and my girls still resented the heck out of me and idolized their dad. I'm sure she sees you as competition for his time and attention. The best thing he could do is to shower you with affection in front of her. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but if she thinks that she can pair up with Dad and leave you out, she will do anything to get that!! If she announces that she doesn't want you, you should both just be very calm, and he should say, "OK, but I want time with Mommy," and send her into another room, leaving the 2 of you alone. Once she sees that she's physically and emotionally separated from Daddy, she'll be motivated to behave a bit differently.

Study after study shows that having a close relationship with your spouse leads, long term, to happier kids than homes where a child and parent are seen as the "team," with one parent seen as the interloper.

Good luck! And really, don't take it personally!

Turn it around on her. When you get home make the first thing you do be something else. Go change into home clothes before you greet her. I would be willing to bet it will drive her nuts and she'll come running to you. Maybe not the first time but soon she will. At any rate, I don't think it's helping that she gets put in time out because of her feelings. We always tell people to let the kid come to you, maybe you should let her do the same with you until this phase is over.

My 3 year old son just started saying "I can't like" also when he doesn't want something. I thought that was funny that yours says the same thing :)

You're doing fine mama, and with all kid phases, this too shall pass :)

My dear sweet middle child who is going on 4 is now expressing anger in her own words when she get's into trouble say not sharing with lil sis,taking to much candy from the candy jar as if I don't have eye's on the back of my head,getting into the movie cabinet (just to mention a few things that she will get a warning for then a time out if behavior continued or she didn't follow through a request she will look at me say I don't like you anymore my response is I will alway's LOVE YOU give her a hug & a kiss.
Dad works full time so i'm the primary care giver she will let me know that she is wanting her dad she will tell me to go I want to be with my dad cry & of course tell me she doesn't love me anymore.They don't hear these things verbally from anyone we alway's tell our 3 that we love them hugs & kisses everday it hurts sometimes because sometimes,when we talk it through she just wants to get her way and she isn't not with me or her dad but her thingking if I say this i'll make mommy upset so then dad will step in then I can ask dad, not going to work daddy knows me all to well and my rules.
You and dad aren't having argumets not going through a divorce or anything so there will be no reason that your husband is telling her mean things and how to treat you when you come home.Comforting you is a good thing but he also needs to let your little sweetie know not to talk to you that way to give hugs & kisses.It's ok to be upset, express how you feel but can we talk about it this way she is bale to trust you and dad with feelings telling the truth and to get what she is wanting to say out

EDIT: Just read your what happened, so I'm changing my response. It sounds like you're handling it fine. I think you are correct that this too shall pass.

One other note that I didn't read in the responses: I have a 3 year old and lately she's been asking me to pretend I'm mad at her ("Be mad mommy") when we are playing together (I told her I dont like to be mad at her, but she insisted). For a long time sometimes when we play she'll say "Cry mommy, you cannot have cookies" - I think my dd is exploring emotions through play, just like she's exploring all of life at this age.

Having said that, I also work full time (but mostly in my house) and have a nanny. So I get the "I want Nanny" knife in the heart on occasion.These litttle beings sure know how to play us mommy's like an emotional fiddle. I try to be mindful about whether she is serious about what she is saying or whether she is saying it to get a reaction, either way I always do my best to choose my response to her vs react. And my choices are meant to encourage behavior I want to see (trust me I dont always get it right).

One other tactic you could try when you come home is shower affection on both hubby & daughter (and daddy should be excited to see you too) - if your daughter shuns you at that moment, here's your chance to catch up with daddy and then do something you really want to do right in the room with them. Seems that the minute my attention isn't on my lil one but on something that requires focus, she becomes curious about me and what I'm up to that doesn't involve her! They are little narcissists.

Agree with you not to give her time outs for the behavior unless she is being rude/disrespectful to you. She should be entitled to her feelings & allowed to express them, but she cannot be disrespectful, physical when she does that.

I know it hurts, loved your honesty about sometimes being a gift so you can do something for you! This will pass.