"I Don't like You"

I'm willing to bet you're stepping in a bit to much in other areas where daddy is interacting with your child. We all tend to do that; we have our way of pleasing our children, fixing things, getting our children to do things, our men do it differently and we think it's faster or easier to use our system so we want to interfere. It is vitally important for you to allow your husband to develop his relationship with his little on his way.

Children go through stages like this all the time. She has gotten a reaction out of saying these things, so she uses them. She's NOT being evil or BAD, she just found words that have power...don't give them power...have no reaction, as if she never even spoke. Remember they don't have a full grasp of the meaning of every words they are able to speak. Generally the "I don't like you" or "I hate you" is really, "I'm mad at you" or "I don't like THIS". There are years in normal development where routine is especially important and the slightest little change with knock the world off it's axis in their little minds. This could be part of the problem, too, so reading stories will have to be only daddy's job forever. KWIM?

It kind of sounds like daddy is her play toy/buddy and when he wants to put her to bed she's feeling betrayed because he's supposed to be fun.

The best thing I've found in dealing with things like this is to simply stay out of it. Daddy will figure out a systemt that works for them and still falls within your agreed upon value systems.

We moms can be controlling of the raising up of our children, but the men needs to be allowed to handle it or they'll eventually stop trying. Don't allow yourself to be available, leave the house if you must, but create the conditions allowing/forcing your daughter to see her daddy in a new light that doesn't fuel a fire of frustration. It'll take a few days but allowing daddy to handle it in his own way with love will produce mass amounts of peace for the both of you far into the future.

BE PREPARED, as she grows older she will swing in both directions as to who she will want to talk to and be around, sooner or later you're going to be the one she doesn't like, so pick a strategy of trust that you'll be able to employ when it's your turn. (It Sucks either way, but it passes)

I hope this helps. Be encouraged, this is Normal, frustrating, but normal. :o) :o) :o)

This has come out of my DD mouth too when she was a bit over 3(now 4 1/2). My husband and I talked about it and decided that they needed to have a special time together to create and build a bond. My DD was really wanting to go to the soft playland at the mall - begging and pleeding type. I just didn't have the time but we took advantage of the opportunity. We made a "date" w/ daddy night. Every tuesday daddy takes her on a date of her choice, just the two of them. During the day on tuesday I hype up the time she is going to get to spend and give suggestions as to what they could do. IE: Do you want to go play on the soft play land and get an icecream or do you want to ride your bike to your favorite park?

She wanted to go so bad that she took the bait and had such a great and special time w/ daddy we haven't heard those words again. Now she looks forward to date night and plans ahead. "Maybe I can do that on my date w/ dad." After a year of doing this every now and again I come along on their date but I really try not to interrupt the special time that she NEEDS w/ daddy.

Good luck and best wishes!

At this age routine is so very important and when it is different, kids will complain the only way they know how. If daddy would like to read bedtime stories, then that should be daddy's "job" every night. If not bedtime stories, then find something else that only daddy does and explain that to her. I know several families where the dad is in charge of baths. Daddy always does baths. If your husband travels for work, then find an enjoyable something that only daddy can that is as necessary as baths. My kids love to wrestle, but I refuse to wrestle them. That is daddy's special "job" because they think only he can do it. I'm not sure what your little girl enjoys doing, but maybe finding something special for her and daddy to do together that will fit into the routine will help.

As far as the "I don't like you." I would just firmly tell her that those words hurt and we don't say words that hurt and leave it at that.

Aww I bet it does hurt his feelngs. It sounds like they spend lots of time together so that is good. Maybe deep down she is mad about the fact that he leaves and goes to work. I don't know. Or she is asserting her independence like others have said. Or whatever reaction she gets, she likes. It sounds like he is always good to her, right? Is there anything in his behavior that she wouldn't like?

I think what I would do, or tell him to do is look her right in the eyes when she says it and very seriously say something like "-her name-, that really hurts my feelings. I don't feel like reading stories when my feelings are hurt." And get up and leave. I would show the hurt in my eyes so that she understands it is real and also teaches her to associate hurting others with not getting what she wants. I think it is important to teach children to think about how what we do makes others feel. I think she might learn that hurtful statments don't get her anywhere. Maybe she is testing him and needs him to assert himself.

I wouldn't even read her stories myself that night. Just let her deal with having no stories. This is all UNLESS there is something that is actually really bothering her about her dad. You could talk with her about it and ask her why she would say she doesn't like Daddy. That he loves her and that hurts his feelings. You could ask her how she thinks it makes Daddy feel, and how she would feel if someone said that to her. I think they understand these things pretty young.

You need to tell your daughter that that is unacceptable behavior. When my children have done or said something that is not nice to my husband or I the opposite parent tells them that that is not nice and we don't allow that in our home. I would even tell her that that hurt Daddy and that she needs to tell him that she's sorry.

This is SO normal! I have a 3 year old that does the same thing and it was far worse when my oldest was 3. I work at home and have all the kids with me during the day, my husband is self-employed so his flexible schedule allows him to be around more than most. He too does the silly fun play time with the kids, he too adores them all and gets hurt when they say hurtful things. There are two things that help this for us with the "I don't like you" or "you're mean" comments. First, Don't give it energy! Kids love reactions good or bad and if you blow it out of proportion they will keep it up. This doesn't mean you don't tell them it is not nice to say that, just don't make it bigger than it is. I also downplay it BIG time to my husband, if he gets super worked up every time that will escalate it too. Second, you might have a bit of a consistency thing going on. I have one child that is very anal about everything and if I change anything up, like someone else doing bedtime stories besides me, he flips. Maybe your daughter just wants the same person every night to do the stories. Have your husband do it each night, have him blow off the nasty comment and focus on the fun of reading, after a while it will stop.

As far as you fixing it. That is probably the worse thing you can do. I did that with my first son and he still has problems with school and everything just adjusting to situations. He always looks to me to fix them for him. Believe me, you do not want that.

If all else fails, just remember, everything is a stage with kids and they outgrow these kinds of things and you won't hardly remember it every happened.

You have gotten a lot of good advice on how to get your daughter and her daddy spending time together. Also about letting her know that it is not acceptable, but also about knowing that kids go through phases and I would agree that she is definitely asserting some independence. She could also be trying to express something that she doesn't like but she doens't have the verbal capacity to explain it. Like she could mean "I don't like that you are gone at work sometimes," not that she doesn't like him. Remember that no matter what she says or does she needs to feel like you both love her unconditionally. Kids are always pushing buttons and "testing."

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is the relationship between you and your husband. Kids pick up on things really really fast. Make sure you are not harboring any resentment towards your husband. Your daughter will feel it. Kids feel the most secure when their parents love each other and they know it. Your daughter is so important, but the most important relationship is between you and your husband, she is an extension of that. My parents never fought in front of us, I can remember only once and it turned out to be something very silly. Like my mom was all upset becasue she wanted to go out and my dad was late but he was late becasue he was trying to plan something special and my mom got all upset. anyways. My husband and I are trying to do the same thing, no fighting or arguing around our daughter. I have noticed that if the tone gets tense, she will tense up. so some food for thought.

Talk to her about it and find out. Maybe she has some concerns or feels insecure. Maybe have her help make daddy a card with reasons why she loves him and pictures of things she likes to do with him. remember that she could just be doing this to find out what happens!

Be careful that you are not the rescuer from daddy. If it is daddy's turn to read to her and she doesn't want it then maybe she shouldn't get one. Just explain to her that that is how it will be and its her choice.
I'm rambling, you got some great advice. Good luck!

It sounds like you are both active in your relationship with your daughter, which is good. Keep that up, but be careful when it comes to bending over backwards "to encourage a bond." You need to be aware that your daughter is learning how to affect the world around her. If she sees that by being difficult, you will buy her things, or do extra fun things in order to have her behave or be nice to you, you are in for trouble. Also, when it comes to her saying things like "I don't like you," to her father, that should be unacceptable. Tell her that is disrespectful and mean and that she doesn't get what she wants by being mean. Don't play her game by staying in the room while your husband is reading to her. Engaging in this behavior undermines your husband's authority as an equal parent to your child. Flat out tell her that Daddy is reading to her tonight and if she is going to be rude, then she doesn't get any story at all. Period. She may be upset, but too bad, and both you and your husband need to develop a thicker skin. She is a child and you need to not give in to tantrums, or even put up with them at all. Kids are going to get mad, but you need to stay in control of situations and allowing her to see that she hurts your feelings is giving her power over you. They don't mean it, even if they think they do at the time.

Parents need to not be afraid to be parents, and sometimes that means that your kids aren't going to like you very much. They'll get over it. Kids need to speak respectfully to not just their parents, but other people in general. If parents don't put a stop to it and demand appropriate behavior, then children grow up as spoiled, rude people that others don't want to be around.

Every parent has to deal with experimentation and frustration. How you deal with it right away will determine how effective your authority will be over your kids as they grow up. Good luck!

My son is five years old and he does the same thing. The other day he told me that he only loves Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Teri, and his dad. I didn't get to worked up because little kids don't really realize what they are saying. It is the worst thing that they can think of when they say, "I don't like you!" or "You can't come to my birthday party!" If you listen closely on the playground that is exactly what you'll hear. Just realize that your little girl is exerting a lot of independence that she just realized she has. My son has a daddy and a mommy that live in different houses. He tries all kinds of tricks similar to this to get his own way. Fortunately, his daddy and I love this little guy so much that we are willing to set our own differences aside and concentrate on raising him. I just tell his dad about the problems that I encounter raising him and he keeps me informed. Together we work things out. I think that is exactly what you need to do. Just get your husband aside and tell him your feelings and make sure to keep everyone is on the same page. I just say, "Whatever, now get in the bath!" He doesn't get the reaction he wants and so it goes away fast. Now on the other hand, our little guy can tell his older brother that and the fight is on. Mainly because the older one does not have the maturity to over look it.

It is very normal for younger children to favor a parent, especially moms who are with them all the time.
Your husband has the right to have his feelings hurt but also needs to remember she has NO IDEA what she is saying and is certainly not meaning to hurt him. She is expressing she doesn't like the situation not so much him. It is in no way personal. The tables will turn.
Kids lash out, girls are more verbal with their lashing believe me. The best he can do is say "well I like you and love you very much, good night" and walk out, without a reaction.

As she gets older you can really stress it is NEVER okay to use words to hurt someone and that it is as bad as hitting. Verbal bullying is not acceptable at all here now my kids are older. They lash out and I try to remind them that it is not okay and remind them I love them. Girls as they get into school are notorious for using words to get back when friends hurt their feelings.

YOU ARE NOT responsible, how could you be? She is her own little person. You can do things like leave a weekend afternoon and let him have one on one with her and show her he is capable of caring for her, you can let him take over duties in caring for her when he is at home and walk away for a bit and let them have some time. But you are not in control what she says at all.

It will come, before long she will be all over him and shun you. My daughter was super close to my ex, though he left when she was four, between three and four they were so close. I was invisible when he came home. She wanted me to do the big caring things for her but when he came home she as all about him. Have him just take over the fun duties, play with her on her level more and try and stay out of the room. It will happen and you have to grow thick skin because she will say she doesn't like you too one day, she will say she has a bad life or lash out by saying you are the meanest mommy in the world, we all have heard it, just don't react and remind her you all love her no matter what. When my kids say mean things to each other or any other child I do enforce punishment, but with me I just ignore it unless it is disrepectful. I do not tolerate being disrespected. Once they realize it gets them nowhere it lessens!

my husband is military, and deploys a lot and also has training etc. it is hard for my dd to adjust to that when he comes home. We tell her that those are unkind words and she needs to apologize to daddy. If I'm in the room I tell her, or daddy tells her. we also try to ask why--why don't you like me? because you don't want to go to bed? (yeah) so it really isn't that you don't like me, you don't like going to bed. (yeah) and then we can address it from there. Helping them understand how to express what they are feeling. They use the words they know. I don't believe it is any kind of manipulation, they test boundaries, try to find how life works--they can learn to be manipulative if that is how they are taught to understand how people work. I think it often happens because parents don't take the time to help them understand how to express what they are feeling. Validate the feelings--sometimes they really might not feel like they like you, but why? there is a reason and helping them understand those reasons helps them grow up to be better communicators, better people. it also teaches them to trust their feelings and that it is okay to express them, in a way that is not hurtful to others.
We also make sure that daddy has time with just the 2 of them where I am not involved at all. It's hard for me to step back but they need that time. Dad, does most of the bedtime routine when he is home. She hated it at first but has gotten used to it and even loves that time with her daddy now. I'm sure we will have to go through a readjustment period again when he leaves and comes home this next time--but helping her to express her emotions has helped so much.

I am very much in touch with this, but we have the opposite problem. I, too, am a stay at home mom, and my 3 year old daughter and I have fun filled days together playing, going to play groups, and just having a nice time together. My husband, when home, has normal office hours, and when traveling, is gone for weeks at a time (internationally).

When my husband is home, my daughter ONLY wants Daddy to do things and to be with her. I can't do ONE thing for her or with her without Daddy being the main parent in the situation. This was fine at first - after all, she misses her daddy, but after a few months of this, it started to hurt my feelings too. How I felt was that here I worked so hard every day and she was so quick to throw that all aside when Daddy was home. It hurt me sometimes.

Well, I had to stop and put things in perspective. I also had to learn and realize that my 3 year old daughter is exercising her independence and making choices - she doesn't really MEAN to be hurtful (intent), even though sometimes it is. She just WANTS what she wants. She is also smart - like all kiddos... she knows she can get things and get her Daddy to do things (activities, bending the rules, making exceptions) with her that Mommy won't do - her Daddy will give into her and let her have extra treats, he'll stay in her room when it's bedtime and lay on her floor for a while, she can stay up just a few extra minutes, etc. Nothing earth-shatteringly different, but enough that she feels she has more power in exchanges with her Daddy than Mommy who sticks to a routine and schedule.

Perhaps your daughter and her Daddy need some more time together - just the two of them. A special "Daddy and Me" day. Maybe they go to the zoo together, or a park for a picnic lunch and playground time, or dinner out one evening during the week. He doesn't have to "buy" her affections, but just spending time together without anyone else, may be helpful to both of them. You get one on one time with her each day, and when your DH comes home, it's the three of you. Believe me, you'll probably enjoy the "daddy and me" time as well - free time for you to do something on your own. It's a Win-Win!

As far as the hurtful words, the only thing Daddy can say (not you, gotta be Daddy) is "I'm sorry you don't like me, and I love you very much".
How much time do they spend together without you there? We had/have the same problem w/our youngest. Dad was deployed when he was born & while they have bonded, it's not as close as the bond he & I have & he's said some hurtful things before about Daddy (I don't think TO him, but certainly about him). He's 5, so when I explained to him that he would really make Daddy sad if Daddy heard him saying those things, he pretty much stopped. Talk to her about feelings, how it hurts people's feelings when you say certain things. Remind her that everybody's allowed to have opinions, but we need to be careful not to hurt people when we give them.
Now that my son is older, he's Daddy's roughest boy & they can play for a very long time roughhousing, but it was a rough couple of years for all of us til they got closer.
Give them time together, apart from you. Maybe they can take a trip to the city pool together, or go to the park. You can take some "me" time & they can have bonding time. Even renting a princess or Barbie movie & sitting on the couch together while you're somewhere else would help things.
Maybe you can change bedtime to Daddy's time too. Since just before hubby deployed the first time, he's been putting our boys to bed. He did that in his previous marriage & wanted to have that bonding time w/our boys too. I kiss them goodnight downstairs or in another room & Dad takes them upstairs to tuck them in for the night. They may play for a few minutes, or read a story, or just talk, but it's valuable time just with Daddy. But don't make it sound like you're dumping Daddy on her. "Daddy wants to have some special time with just you, like I get to all day, so he gets to start putting you to bed", or something like that.
Good luck!

My daughter is like this with her dad my husband. At first he would get really upset but I told him to pay attention to her actions more than words. They have fun together. They go fishing together. They joke around and are silly together all the time. She does not hate him. She is now 8 almost 9 and wont hug or kiss him good night at all. We dont force it. He does things for her when she asks him to but if she asks me or wants me to do whatever it is I do it.

As for her I told her how mean it is for her to say those things to dad. Everything he does is for us. He works hard. He plays with her he takes her fishing so there is no reason to treat him badly. She was a little older when she started to say those things but even at 3 your daughter can understand such things.

Remember love is more than words.

I think just when she says it you and he need to say something like "That hurts daddy's feelings, because daddy loves you". I know it hurts when they say these things, but they are only kids and they say things that are not always true. Tell your husband to keep in mind what she is actually saying is I don't like that I'm not getting what I want and/or I didn't want you to read my story. She absolutly does not mean she does not like her daddy.

My 3 year old daughter has done the same. She has said at different times that she doesn't like me, grandma or some random person. I think its normal and yet I think she is testing us as well. I agree with the person's response before me, Marriah, you can't allow this behavior. We have told our daughter that it is not nice to say and that it hurts mommy or grandma. She needs to say sorry and not say it again. The next time she says it there needs to be some sort of consequences. Just keep on her and she will begin to understand. Just as we need to teach our kids not to run into the street, hit others, etc.....they need to be taught to be kind with their words. We have also learned that when our daughter speaks in a bad way to me my husband needs to chime in and correct her and vice versa. That shows that we are team, we love each other and her, but she is not the boss. Best of luck!

Hi H.,
This is familiar to me & my husband. Some evenings when he comes home it's as if she's mad at him for being gone all day, she's rude even hostile. It's happened to me also, she says she doesn't love me, etc. My reply is always, "that's too bad, because I love you very much" OR "gee, that's a hurtful thing to say, my feelings are hurt" And let it go. I feel my daughter is dealing with new shades of emotion every day, lots of it emerges as testing what she can say to us.
I don't think it you're responsible for what she says, H.. Our daughters are really starting to grow into person-hood, what she says is HER responsibility. I think your husband needs to handle this on his own. He could say, "wow that hurts my feelings. I still love you," then let the conversation stop there. The child mind can only handle so much in put at a time.
I avoid trying to make my daughter feel bad or wrong with this behavior, 'cause, as I said, mostly it's testing & experimentation. The consequences of saying hurtful things are apparent without punishment---my belief.
Good job mommin'!
A.

Hi H.,
You and your husband are doing a great job so don't make this more than it needs to be! Kids are manipulative and want their way, when she says she doesn't like you it is because you aren't giving in to what she wants, which is probably to stay up! We use love and logic, they have books and seminars, like i said, you guy's are doing great!

tell her to appologize, that we don't treat daddy that way. wouldn't you expect the same if your daughter were saying that to you??? if my son acts out against me then my husband "comes to my rescue" so to speak and makes sure he explains that we are nice to others especially our parents. I do the same thing when my son acts out against my husband. Make sure your daughter knows that your husband means just as much to you as she does.