So there is an older, married guy who has been married many years. He is walking close by to a woman who is 20+ years younger than him - she is also married. The guy and woman know each other and see each other in a public setting (like a workplace setting) on a regular basis.
It is an unusually windy day outside where they are walking. The woman makes a non-chalant comment saying 'My dress is blowing up in all this wind.' And the guy responds very quietly with 'Lets stay out here a while and I'll watch.' I think that was his non-chalant way of saying - I would like to see what is under your dress.
If this guy was your husband saying this to another woman he sees regularly, would it bother you?
Would this be something he would say if his wife or her husband was walking with them? If not, then it really shouldn't be said at all - right?
If his wife knew he said, would she be okay with it?
Granted, he does still go to bed at the end of the night with his wife. But is he happy in that bed/relationship if he's saying these types of things to other women?
I think I'm old fashioned or naive, because I wonder why a happily married man would even say something like that. I know guys are not dead after they're married, but out of respect for his wife, shouldn't he do whatever he can to push those thoughts out of his mind?
I am also thinking that if he has those types of thoughts about someone he just passes in the street, that would be a little easier to take than someone that he sees regularly.
I would wonder - what is he thinking each time he sees her?
And verbalizing that type of thought to the woman, is that appropriate?
Even if they were both single people, would that be an appropriate thing to say?
Just wondering what others think.
I'm thankful that if my husband has thoughts like that (which I'm guessing he most likely does), I don't think he would say it with/without me around.
Hi M.-
As a woman...married a LONG time before I divorced...
And now a woman...in a long term relationship with a man who is older...
I have to say....
LET IT BLOW OVER!!
Really...
Just saying...
Best luck!
michele/cat
I've worked in male dominated fields my whole life. That comment wouldn't even make my radar blip. Not a ping. Nuthin'. Nada. Zip.
IF HOWEVER, he got up all close and "held my dress down" for me OR was a stranger? Sleeze. Pervin' out. Buh-bye now.
The thing is, those semi-racy comments ONLY happen to friends / coworkers/ etc. that guys are familiar with AND friends with, or to other guys, unless the guy is a perv. It's the whole; you know you're one of the boys as soon as they start giving you as much grief as they give each other. It's like saying "Hey, ugly!" actually means "I like you and really enjoy working with you."
My neighbor used to make funny, harmless comments to me occasionally. That's what they were ...harmless. Any man that says he only looks at his wife may be kidding himself. I know I love my husband but think Josh Dumahl, Zac Efron, and a few more celebrities are dreamy. I also look and may comment on a nice looking man. Doesn't mean I want to sleep with him.
My husband would NEVER make that comment. EVER. He respects me and WOMEN in general, way too much. I know without any doubt whatsoever, he would never say anything like that. (To me, sure.)
If I were that women, I would have made him feel really stupid for saying that to me...and promptly remind him that he is not only married, but I AM happily married.
You know...I can't stand dirty old men. I don't know what it is about me, but I attract comments from them. I'm not shy about making them feel embarrassed for being so crass and disrespectful. There is nothing creepier and cringe inducing then a dirty old man. It's not a compliment, it's GROSS. And, incredibly pathetic. Something, I'm very happy to remind them of.
My husband would NEVER make a comment like that to someone other than me. Around me OR not around me. If someone other than my husband made that comment to me, our relationship would completely change after that and I would not spend time with him.
My husband would TOTALLY say that comment to me! I'd have a ball with that comment!
There is a line between men and women who aren't married to each other that one should NOT cross. This is definitely one of them. I feel sorry for this guy's wife.
Dawn
I think it's a sleazy cheap thing to say. I would be pissed and insulted if my husband said it at all. Very disrespectful to the marriage, and everything else notwithstanding, just nasty, even if neither of them are married.
I'm pretty sure most guys would have the thoughts, but verbalising them is a big no-no.
inappropriate. creepy. not okay. but i wouldn't make a big deal of it...maybe he misunderstood and felt she was being flirtatious first. who knows. bottom line the state of his marriage is not this woman's business or yours...and as long as the woman stays firmly on her side of some clear boundaries, i think the situation should be laid to rest. and no, i think even if both people were single, it wouldn't be appropriate...but i don't find comments like that attractive. it would still be creepy to me. men can be creeps. we know they think about sex CONSTANTLY. i would let it go but certainly keep my distance. consider it a warning.
Inappropriate, for sure. But I was a bit startled by the woman's comment, which could easily have been taken as flirtatious or provocative, particularly if the man had been struggling with feelings of attraction toward her, or particularly if he was not content in his marriage.
I asked my husb what he thinks. He believes the comment was inappropriate, but also heard the woman's comment to be a possible come-on to the guy. But he's also pretty sure he'd ever make a comment like that to any woman, even if the thought ran through his mind. It's just not good form, and does make him sound like an opportunist. Or at least a very clumsy jokester.
That is one thing that i really respect about my husband, he would never say that, He doesn't joke around that way at all.
I on the other hand, would be totally joking and say something like that, just because it sounds like a line from a movie, stupid i know, but when people hand me a line, i feel like i have to make a funny (or not so funny) comment, because what they said is just begging for a comment.
So i guess i would have to know the guy in general, was he just being goofy and it came out wrong, or does he enjoy shocking people or pushing the boundary to see what they say.
I'm thinking maybe he was making a (somewhat feeble) attempt at a joke.
I would be very surprised if my husband ever said something like that. I'm sure he notices other women (he's not blind!) but I honestly feel that he is committed to me and our kids and would not stray- even verbally.
He probably thinks he is being flirtatious. Actually, HE probably thinks SHE is being flirtatious by calling his attention to her dress. (I'm defining flirting as the dictionary does: amorous behavior without serious intent.)
It is inappropriate in a work place, and to my old-fashioned mind it is inappropriate for a man to say to any woman other than his wife. He can flirt with her all he want to.
But we can't read minds. We can't know for sure what his motives are at any time; we are just responding to his words. And it is certainly appropriate to have a reaction to the words.
let's just hope & pray that he's talking the talk.....& not walking the walk.
Wouldn't want my DH to say it....wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of it either. Just call me monogamous! Or a prude....LOL
He could have just as easily responded from a viewpoint of chivalry....& not from a suggestive one.
that guy sounds like my EX-husband!!!
I think it is inappropriate. The only person that talks to me like that is my husband.
My husband would probably make a crass comment, but that's just how he is. If it was one of our friends, she would know he was kidding. I'm not sure about a coworker, he works mostly with men and older women, but it doesn't bother me. I don't think I would like it if a coworker said something like that to me, but if it was a close guy friend, who I knew was joking, it wouldn't be a problem. I'm not sure if that helped at all.
Guys a piece of dirt. Married or not. More so beings he's married. Someone said that to me friend, or stranger I'd be tempted to punch them in the face. What is wrong with people that they think saying stuff like that is cute, or even acceptable in any way. Do they expect us to go "oh you big strong amazing man I'll certainly show you everything under my skirt."
He's a pig. He's a jerk. He's all the things that are mom's told us to stay away from and our dad's told us some men were like. If it was my husband very very minimum he'd be on the couch for an extended period of time.
Ditto what Bug said. And Dawn. :)
Sexual Harassment is what I think and he does want to bed her.
I think both people were being rather flirtatious. I see nothing wrong with a little flirtation as long as it stays just that.
I think it is inappropriate.
I wouldn't think anything of it if my husband would say something like that in comment to what she said, it doesn't mean that he would wish he could see under her skirt, just making a joke of something she said. I guess I am a flirt and I have always said things off the wall at times and my husband laughs when I do because he knows he can trust me. I never understand why wives have trouble with remarks like this, because if they were going to cheat, they would hide it instead of coming right out and say something that is meant to be funny like that.
I would not want my husband to say that to another woman. That doesn't mean that it's wrong, though, for someone else, if he's a guy who would say that in front of his wife and if she could be cool with it. I can totally see it being okay. I just have very specific reason for not wanting MY HUSBAND to say it.
It's something that can be said in the moment and has nothing to do with the state of his marriage. I've had similar exchanges with girlfriends and with certain other men, and I have not been interested in bedding them. The thought is fleeting and fits in the moment--like comedy, a joke that goes over great in the moment but isn't really funny after the moment passes. I guess my issue would be that these two aren't necessarily familiar enough with each other for BOTH to know--be on the same page--that it is merely a fleeting moment and not to be revisited.
no its not ok for him to say that. i have had men make comments to me like that and i just tell them i bet because my husband does too.
if they were both single it wouldnt be an issue to me but since they are both married i dont see it as ok.
I think it is all about respect - respect a person has about themselves, the other gender, and about marriage. Whether or not it could go any farther for either one of them is irrelevant in my opinion. If respect is important in a relationship, then I see the exchange as a problem.
If each party in the exchange respected themselves, they would not need or seek that form of attention from that other person. She started it, he responded in full. They might seek it from their spouse, maybe from a close friend or family member, but not from this 3rd party.
If they respected their own marriage, and the marriage of that other person, then both comments have no place in the conversation. Enjoy that type of banter with your spouse or partner, not someone else's partner. She might be attractive and he might appreciate her beauty, but in my opinion, that where it should end. He can't stop her from making that statement, but he could have responded differently. She can't stop him from saying things like that, but she can avoid opening the door with her comments.
Just my opinion.
D.
It totally depends on the guy. There are some guys I know who would say something like that and it would just be a stupid comment that they didn't think through without it escaping their mouths. In which case, you roll your eyes and punch them in the arm and tell them to shut up before they get themselves into trouble. Then there are other guys I know who may say it jokingly, but anyone who hears it knows they are dead serious. Either way, in my opinion, it's disrespectful to the woman being addressed as well as the wife of the man saying it. And really, if the guy isn't careful with those comments, he could very well find himself called in on sexual harassment charges if he is saying this to a co-worker. A lot of women in the workplace don't appreciate being the object of that kind of humor.
