Would You Be Happy or Upset- Husband Bought and..am I Being Ungrateful?

Updated on July 14, 2016
R.P. asks from Studio City, CA
22 answers

Ok, I went out of town with our son to visit family for ten days with out husband as he had to work. Things needed to be done around house. He stated he was going to work on his " car" hobby.. I said well seeing there are some odd jobs to do around the house and no kids or wife to drive you crazy maybe you could get some house stuff done. And left it at that.

So we come back to newly stained cabinets a new huge tv and he steam cleaned two main carpet areas. And tidied his office.

Now yiu all might say wow my husband wouldn't do that how wonderful. And yes I was grateful and appreciated it as when we are all home (have two stepkids come part time) he is so tired after work he falls alert on couch. I even joked that maybe we should all leave him more often..

Anyways like I said I was grateful he did so much and he felt like this was for us. But I was upset that he did this all without consulting me to make a partnered decision on what was important first. It was like he did what he wanted done not what "we" wanted. Him buying a tv was unnecessary granted its his money as we don't really pool our incomes together. Except vacation money . Other than that he handles all finances and I pay my credit card or car bills. But to come home to a monster tv when we had a decent 50 inch that was perfect,y fine etc. I was a bit upset. I'm trying to see the side that he did this for all of us but part of me feels like he did it as he know I'd have an issue with some of it. The house was a mess apparent,y during this but I came home to a pristine home, new stained cabinets, new tv, fresh carpets a cleaner office. So u all saying what's my problem. I guess I feel left out of the decision making process and respected as his wife on making decisions together. Yet it was a surprise from him so perhaps that's why he would not have consulted me. Perhaps I just hate surprises and rather be involved. Idk how to feel.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone! I can't change how I initially felt but do understand where he was coming from and he did state the cabinets was something on our previous to do lists and for him was the easiest to attempt while I was away and he had a friend help. He also updated our phones and had to fix our fridge as it shut down while I was gone. So honestly he did more than I'd ever expect and I have talked to him more why initially I was upset. More so I think I felt left out of the decidin making as a partner and the tv buying felt sneaky to me. It'd be like me removing something from our house and replacing it even if we didn't need it but because I wanted it. (Say new furniture) without telling or consulting him. I pointed that analogy out to him and he sees my side but what's done is done. He wanted th tv. He likes tvs like I like new furniture and vacations. It's a " want" not a need our bills are paid but sometimes what bothers me most is he can be a hypocrite. If something I want costs $$$$ he will say we don't have it but if he wants it all of sudden we have it. We pool our money for somethings. I pay for summer camps, extracurricular but yes he pays most household expenses for various reasons that were decided upon when we first got married. We don't pool our income as he's also financially responsible for my stepkids and child support so long ago we decided to keep finances separate..

I'm told him I did appreciate all he did but didn't like feeling left out of the decision and he really wanted to surprise us all..so I'm letting it go but not without us both sharing where we were coming from. We both need to see the others point of view and be respectful..

I didn't come here for judgement. I came here to be honest with what I thought yes was me perhaps not seeing the other side. I'm human and was able to openly admit how I was feeling and maybe harsh about that. I am who I am and can't help But only try to improve and see another side to it, I've already admitted that. More women need to be supportive not bash me when I fully admitted I might not be as grateful as I should have been. People make mistakes or don't see another point of view

And for me asking him to do projects while I'm away, well honestly he has a ton of down time when we are home to do as he pleases he chooses to either be in the garage or lie on the couch. This was a perfect time with no one around to do things he likes to do , my husband enjoys working on projects. It's actually therapeutic to him. It'd be the same as him telling me to cook, decorate, or shop those are things I enjoy doing even if for some might seem like work. And so,etimes we get our best work done when we are alone

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J.C.

answers from New York on

Men love their toys. Forget the TV.

I'd let him know how impressed you are with what he did. Then, make a list of things that need to be done going forward. I find that if I give my hubby a list (whether it's for gifts I want or shores he needs to accomplish) he sticks to the list and more importantly, gets it done.

Be happy for what you got, and write up what still needs to be done.

Now go watch some Netflix on that new TV!!

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

He wanted some 'me' time while you were away, and you wanted him to do some things around the house. So, he did some things you asked for to make you happy (pristine home, clean carpets, cleaner office), and he did something to make himself happy (new TV).

Sounds like a win-win to me.

(If you pooled all the household $, and consulted on all purchases, I could see your point with the TV. But you don't, so I don't see how you can be bent out of shape about that.)

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H.W.

answers from Portland on

" I said well seeing there are some odd jobs to do around the house and no kids or wife to drive you crazy maybe you could get some house stuff done. And left it at that."

You said it yourself-- you left it at that. He did what he felt needed doing. If you wanted something specific done, that was the time to say something. So, it's sort of like "I wanted him to do stuff, I asked him to do stuff, but he didn't read my mind and so he did the wrong stuff."

I'm sorry, but you sound incredibly ungrateful and pretty petty about this. My husband handles most of the finances too-- it's his choice and he is our breadwinner-- so, I'd be a bit surprised if something similar happened, but you know what? I *trust* him. He works really hard for us and if he wants to make an independent decision, I'm cool with it. Furthermore, I would never have even asked him to "do" any work while I was gone with the kid. Why? Because the guy works hard, daily. If and when he has a few days to himself, I want him to enjoy it, not spend it working on ambiguously-identified tasks. (Yes, we do have an old house filled with plenty of projects remaining, but I want him to be able to relax, watch Lord of the Rings for the umpteenth time, have chill time, maybe meet up with his friends for dinner or a drink or go to a game.... see where I'm going with this? I find it far more strange that one feels entitled to tell another person what to do with their rare 'free' time than I do for a husband to want to do something he feels is nice for their whole family.

Oh, and my husband takes Kiddo off for a few days every so often; at least once a year they are gone for a week together. He's NEVER asked me to do housework/house projects while he's gone. NEVER. I sometimes choose to save some things for when they are out, like doing the Marmoleum sealing, or this weekend, they are gone and I'll be using that time to spread out my work (making curtains for some neighbors). That said, those are my choices to do tasks at a time when I have more space/less interruptions. Because I want to do those things, not because he expects it. You might consider that the next time an occasion like this comes up. Sometimes, less is more.

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

If you each have your own money to spend as you please and he spent his money on the tv without neglecting to pay for necessities like electricity and food, I really don't see the problem. He bought a new tv, not a new house.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

I think the problem goes deeper, probably. You say you don't like any surprises. But you should be thrilled that he got to do all the things he's usually to tired to do. So it sounds more like it's a control issue with you.

I'd have a huge problem with the TV, but not the rest, which would thrill me. The TV is a big expense, a luxury, not a necessity, so that should have been discussed. You already had discussed the cabinets, per your "So What Happened", so that is something that should make you happy.

But still, what sticks out is that you consider that he has "his" money and you have "your" money. The only money that should be separate is for the step kids. What most people do is have a family account and a child support account. It bothers me more that expenses for your family are not considered your business.

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L.H.

answers from Abilene on

Be grateful. You didn't discuss specifics about "things around the house that needed to be done". He decided on his own the projects to do. You came home to a pristine house. Projects were done and he wanted to surprise you.

If your kid painted you a picture you didn't expect would you critique it or appreciate it. If you worked hard to clean his office and wanted to surprise him with a task well done would you receive criticism well?

Please know the attitude you take now will either encourage or discourage him from doing household projects. Choose wisely.

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C.B.

answers from Sacramento on

I think you need to cut him some slack. He spent 10 days working on the home, like you asked. Maybe they weren't the projects you would have preferred but he could have been in the garage all week working on his car. And, you said it's his money.

I get it, I hate surprises too but I think you need to let it go. Done is done.

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T.D.

answers from Springfield on

you can feel however you want to feel. theres no right or wrong to that.
i would feel grateful that my hubby did something. he rarely does any cleaning type thing in the house, and home improvements are done when he wants to, not when things need doing. so if i came back to newly stained cabinets, clean carpets and a tidy office and the rest of the house being pristine?i would be so happy i might pee my pants, but thats just me and how i would react to my "i bring in the money cleaning is your job" hubby

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

It feels like you're looking for something to complain about.

So next time he has the urge, send him to my house. I could use all of that, and I have no problems with him choosing his own money to make my house look great!

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

So you were upset because he did what he thought was important but it wasn't what YOU thought was important. However, you didn't really tell him what was important. He can't read your mind sweetie. I have been married 30 years and my husband STILL can't read mine!!!

"Without consulting me to make a partnered decision on what was important first?" Really?? Disrespected as his wife? Wow! You are jumping into territory that is so not about this. So what really pissed you off? The TV? My suggestion, get over it. He stained the cabinets and cleaned carpet and office. That's pretty darn good.

How to feel? Well, happy and appreciative of his efforts. Honestly, he could have just done nothing.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Yep men ike to buy TVs.
And I'm sorry but if all you are paying is your credit card and car bills that means HE is paying the ACTUAL bills, housing, food, insurance, retirement, savings, etc. This hardly seems balanced or fair. Credit cards are fluffy and expensive. Of course a car is necessary.
Maybe it's time for a grown up talk about financial planning.
And let the guy have his TV, you have all the stuff you bought (and are now paying high interest on!) on your credit card.

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

You should feel honored that he took you up on your suggestion(s). Perhaps they were not the things you wanted done but then again you did not specify.

Hubby had 10 days to do things he thought would make his home updated. The TV issue is something that all men do. My husband looks at TVs all the time and the bigger the better to him He feels the bigger it is is will be like being at the movies and watching the action go by life size.

Thank your husband and be grateful for all that he has done to show is love to you. You just got to learn to give up some of the control in the household. As others have stated you guys have two separate money accounts going on and yours is more like an expense account for what you pay.

A talk in the future would be good about things to consider for improvement in the house. It is time to let it go as it was done while you were away and I don't think you are going to call in the people to take it back. He could have worked on his car and cleaned his office only.

the other S.

PS I am happy that my husband does what he does at home and don't complain even though there are things I wish he would do earlier in the day so that I can get things done when I get home. I keep my thoughts to myself and move on so that no hard feelings are caused.

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E.J.

answers from Chicago on

I don't think this is about the tv, cabinets or carpets.

For some reason these actions made you feel worse, and it seems your wants/needs got pushed further down the list or something....I think you need to decide what got triggered....

You asked for x,y,z to be done and instead he did a,b,c (without regard to x,y,z) and then said you have no right to be mad since he did 'something', is this it?

I would have a mixed bag of frustration and happiness too.

I think you guys have to have a sit down talk (without disruption of kids) and go over income, bills, financial planning,etc. Maybe have family goals and his/ hers goals, but keep communicating about them!

As Mommy of 1 has suggested...leave a list. I have learned from experience that my husband cannot read the specifics of my mind :-), and that he 'hears' me better when things are written down (as do I).

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T.H.

answers from Philadelphia on

I agree with several replies below. Keep him encouraged with gratitude.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I would have discussed the list with my husband before leaving so we were on the same page. My husband (and I would too quite frankly) would have picked chores/tasks that he disliked the least to get started on.

My husband decided to work on our backyard instead of finishing the deck. Both were on our list. My husband likes growing grass - I think he thinks he's a farmer. He's out there with the hose, and grass seed - he finds it relaxing. Personally, I don't want the kids to fall off the deck. But he's not a great carpenter - so he's left that. We'll likely need to call someone to come finish the steps.

But my point is - we all chose to do the tasks we prefer - first. So it's important you talk to him more - or get involved - in what tasks are to come first. My husband re-tiled our house when kids and I were away once - and I went with him the day before and picked out the tile and grout. We then talked every day I was away and he gave me updates. But not because I'm the boss supervising what gets done. He was just happy with how it was coming.

The TV would annoy me. We buy needs vs. wants here, so that would not have gone over well. We have joint finances though so haven't really run into this. "Wants" are more for birthdays, etc. and even so, we tend to discuss first. It is fun to splurge once in a while.

Sounds to me like you guys aren't on the same page on - task priorities and spending. I would just talk more and communicate how you feel about that.

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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Did you specify which jobs you wanted him to do around the house? You can't blame him for prioritizing differently that you if you didn't give him clear, specific direction. I would have been angry if my husband had spent "our" money on a giant tv without consulting me, but I don't know how it works when you keep finances separate. I think it is fair to be annoyed by the tv, as it sounds like he waited until you were away so he wouldn't need to consult you.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Seems to me that you feel that the big TV is like the car hobby - something that costs money that the family doesn't need.

I do understand you feeling that way. You do say that you don't know how to feel. However you feel, is how you feel, and being confused is okay.

I think maybe you might try to look at this like an "end-sum game". You got more out of this than you lost. You "lost" with the huge TV that you don't feel that you need. But you got a cleaned up, fixed up room.

Someone mentioned that your husband's not a handyman. Well, he can either be a handyman or you can hire a handyman. If you feel that he will only do jobs around the house that will cater to what he likes, hire out the rest after you give him a chance to do them, and he doesn't.

It's important to get necessary jobs done on a house so that it doesn't deterioate and then turn into a major expense to fix it. It's his job to be a part of this. Unless you both put your head in the sand about house repairs, SOMEONE has to decide to get it fixed. It sounds like that someone is you.

Now you know what happens when you leave. Next time sit down with him and map out things together. Tell him that if there are changes, you would appreciate a phone call for you two to discuss things.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

What caught my attention in your post was that you wanted him to do chores and left it at that, and then got mad because he did not do the chores YOU wanted him to do. He is not a hired handyman, he can do which chores he finds important, especially when you did not give him any idea about what you found important. And if you don't poll your money you have no right to get pissy about who he spends.

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M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

So he did stuff and you're mad? I learned a long time ago that if I want something specific done, I say it. I don't ask him to do whatever he wants, I say the lawn needs mowed and edged, or please clean the shower, or something specific. He did the things HE saw needed done and treated himself and the family to something new. If you don't pool your money together at all you should have no issue.

You can't be mad he left you out of any decisions when there weren't really any to be made.

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D.N.

answers from Chicago on

I see both sides of this. You are hurt a bit because a decision was made for where you live, for the family, and you were not included. My husband has done this a few times. He is currently saving for a car, ANOTHER car, that we don't need. But it is his money. When he does ask me about it--more like telling me or looking online at cars--I just try to give him some ideas. I know one day I am going to get home and either told we need to go get the car or find another car by our garage.

But I would love, love, love it if I got home and he fixed the plaster in the kitchen or patched settling cracks in the front room walls. That would be awesome.

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C.V.

answers from Columbia on

I don't think you're ungrateful. I think that married couples should make financial decisions together, and I'd like input on major purchases and renovations in our home. I do, however, also believe that my husband has my best interest at heart and loves me and does not wish to disrespect me...so I would accept his work for what it is: An act of love and service. How exciting to have lovely new stained cabinets! :-) And I'd assume that he got a great deal on that TV too.

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C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

I kind of get what you are saying...because my husband will spend money on things he wants without talking to me about it first. It's usually something electronic or related to science he thinks is cool...such as a 3D printer, an all sky camera you keep out in the backyard, and a motion activated camera to capture images of wildlife in your yard. He will buy computer related things as well. I support his interests...but it would be nice if we decided on these things together. I would never go out and buy a new couch without his input for example. But I've learned over time that he has a bit of a selfish side and thinks he can get what he wants with the money he earns. The good side of this is he is passionate about these things and teaching the kids science and computer coding and he likes involving the whole family. If it makes you feel any better my husband would never do any of those house-fix-it jobs your husband did while you are gone. I think that is amazing. My husband is not into spending his time doing things like that and likes to spend his time only on his work or on the computer. He doesn't mow the lawn. He would never in a million years clean the car. He would never stain cabinets. He definitely would never even think of steam cleaning carpets!

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