Would You Consider This a Dis or Am I over Reacting?

Yes, what she said was a dis, and so was what you said to her. If I went to the gym and a friend said, "Yay, we can wear teeny bikinis together," I would be offended, as if the friend presumed I'd want to be just like her. I think that is what she was reacting to.

Sorry, don't like to be critical, but I am hoping the honest feedback will be helpful.

Maybe she thought you were making a dig about her starting an exercise routine so she can look as good as you this summer?

Honestly it doesn't sound like this friendship is going to last. I agree that saying you were "proud" is a little weird. Her saying no one in their late 30's should wear a bikini is a little weird too.
The biggest elephant in the room is the fact that she thought it was OK to send a barely three year old, with other very young kids, to the park with 8 year olds in charge, ALONE.
I am not over protective at all, my kids have always had lots of freedom but that just sounds crazy to me. If you disagree about that just wait until you see her parenting decisions down the road. It just seems to me like the two of you are coming from different places and will likely end up in different places.

I know you had good intentions, but I would have found your comment about her workout routine to be offensive. It's wonderful that you make it work in your life, but I have tried several times to incorporate exercise into my routine and it has done nothing but increase my stress level.

I would have taken your comment to be more about bragging about your own success and less about encouraging me.

I'm not trying to criticize you, just let you know that she might really have taken your comment that way.

Well, I think she may have found your 'good for you for working out' thing as a little patronizing and so reciprocated thusly. In fact, your entire email may have been interpreted by her as a teeny bit Holy. Not that you MEANT it that way, of course.

Since YOU don't REALLY care whether she works out or not, and SHE doesn't REALLY care whether you wear a bikini or not, what is the point in all this?

It's just a misunderstanding. Communication is the soul of even the casual-ist relationships, you know?

:)

I think she said it because it sounds like to me you are conscious about your body and how it looks. She probably knows this is your Achilles heel, so she went for it. If you say she's passive aggressive, this is right along those lines. Do you get offended easily when it comes to your appearance?

I mean, what could your comeback possibly be? Are you going to call your friend and say, 'I look awesome in a bikini. I think you should acknowledge and respect the fact I look awesome in a bikini. Meh, your exercise routine is OK, but mine is much better, hence my awesome body. One piece? Tugh, that's for people like you. I belong in a bikini, girl'

Maybe that's how she feels. Maybe she honestly feels like neither one for you have any business in a bikini. Just because you think you look good doesn't mean she feels that way.

P.S. Not everyone is jealous. Sometimes people get a little annoyed when others let them know how fortunate they are a little too often. Once the other person replies with a little snark because they're tired of hearing it, they're suddenly jealous.

I agree with those who said you dissed first. I don't think that this was about the park thing, it was about your comment to her about working out. I think she struck back out of anger and embarrassment.

ETA: I think hers was a nastier dig, and I totally get that you didn't mean to be condescending. But if someone said that to me, I would be offended.

UPDATE: I agree with LuckyMom - if what she said was a dig at you, then you started it with the "good for you for starting a workout routine". A smiley face doesn't fix it.

ORIGINAL:
What if her comment didn't say "H., you shouldn't wear a bikini. You're TOO OLD!"?

What if she said "I can't wear one, I'M TOO OLD."

What if she said - "even though you are the same age, due to my lack of dedication to exercise like you, you are the more bikini worthy of us."

In recovery it took me a long time to understand that Other People might just be having a bad day, and a stray comment, look, honk probably isn't personal.

She admitted that she feels unbikini worthy. Does she really need to compliment YOUR body in order for you not to take it personally?

She might not be a 10 on the social graces scale - but I think you're having to stretch a bit to find an insult.

But congrats on the bikini body! I'm working on my washboard abs (still in progress). :)

She's angry and jealous. I wouldn't respond in any way- just adding fuel to her fire. I don't think her message was to tell you to wear a one-piece, I think she was just reacting and being snarky.

I would let this go, but I would also distance yourself for a few days to cool off. For all you know, she may have "read" your comment about getting into shape as condescending b/c you work out regularly and can wear a teeny bikini. Email is rarely "read" the way it is "written" when the topic is personal.

Appropriateness in dress is highly subjective. What you consider to be appropriate at nearly 40 may be vastly different than someone else- as your friend has indicated. Not a point worth arguing over!

I think it was a dis for sure. But I wouldn't take it personally. Sounds spurred on more by insecurity than by actually thinking you look inappropriate in a bikini. My guess it that your efforts at encouraging her in her work out were not received well- irrigardless of your intensions. What you said about looking great in bikinis in the future was really saying she wouldn't look great in one now. I'd be pissed if my more fit friend said what you said to me. 100 bucks says thats how she perceived your comment and lashed out. I'd let it go, and in the future error on the side of accepting her the way she is instead of trying to help her be as fabulous as you. Even to us you complimented your own efforts and achievements and even here your judgment of her lack of commitment showed through. You don't think she's picking up on what you really think?

I look great for my age and would never wear a bikini either. Not everyone thinks they are cute and appropriate, no matter how good someone looks in it.

I also agree with LuckyMom, b/c you said she is spotty with her workouts, and she already stated last year that her body is not as up to par as yours, that she could have thought you were making a dig at her. Which since she is sensitive about her body, it does look like you were making a passive aggressive comment towards her.

So, let bygones be bygones.

I do agree though that it is odd she would be mad about you not letting your toddler go to the park with the other kids.

Misery likes company.
Maybe she feels she shouldn't wear one because of how she looks (some people can't get that bikini body back even with exercise because of marks, tone...) and was jealous you could so wanted to take you down a notch?
Or maybe she does feel it should stop at a certain age. Are you going to tell M. you didn't ever think she or one of your friends wore something that didn't suit them?
It doesn't sound that bad. Everyone has their flaws. Her being a bit passive aggressive isn't reason enough to write her off. Half of the world seems that way
Take it with a grain of salt and wear the bikini if you like it.

I'll just add that if a friend said she was "proud" of me, I'd find it a bit insulting. Being proud kind of implies or can imply that you're on a higher level and can pass judgement. And this is unsolicited but I'll add that I find bikini's inappropriate at a certain age too. I'm naturally thin and don't have many signs that I have children either in my thighs or stomach but I actually try to cover up a fair amount bc I know lots of other women don't have that natural metabolism. So do I need to parade aroudn showing how much thinner I am than my friends?... I just feel like we're all married now. Keep the trying to look hot to a minimum in a solidarity kind of way. There's enough pressure to look so great from magazines and all and enough competition in this area. I prefer to minimize it amongst friends. Maybe you being proud of your body constantly makes her feel kind of extra bad... I have way more money than my bf who struggles with money so I am very aware of avoiding talking about anything expensive we do etc. It's the same idea for me with friends who struggle with their weight. For a special event, sure, I'll try to look my best. But on a daily basis, I try not to flaunt how much thinner I am than they are. Just another thought. Sorry if I'm being obnoxious.

Well...it's always a good thing to calm down first ...instead of making a hasty decision to reply writing something nasty that you may regret later. I'd say...ignore it all! But I can sure see where you're coming from. Some people are just like that.

Online communication can be taken out of context, because their is no context and we all read into it different things.
Calm down. Next time you see her, explain (again) why you aren't comfortable with ANYONE taking kids to park w/o you and if you truly are still hurt by her note tell her you felt she was jabbing at you, personally.

nothing better than an honest face-to-face conversation:)

Maybe is was a dis, maybe it wasn't.
Aren't you secure enough that what SHE says about what YOU wear doesn't matter?

Are you making a big deal out of nothing? Who knows. But you've taken the time to write this post so I suspect you've already spent too much of your energy on something that no O. really cares about anyway. (Not us here...but in general...in life...at the pool...)

It's so hard to interpret what people *really* mean when the conversation takes place via email or text. Why don't you call her and jokingly say "I just packed all my bikinis away, I heard I'm too old to wear them!" and see what she says.

Or just let it go. But don't stew on it, no reason to do that. Either fish around (in person, not in another email) to find out what she was really geting at, or forget it.

Perhaps she DID take your "I'm proud of you" comment as a dig? maybe she thought it was condescending... when you think about it, you don't often say your proud of someone unless you have a leg up on them for some reason (parents are proud of their kids, teachers are proud of their students, etc)... maybe she interpreted it as the person with the better workout habits being proud of the person who aspires to be more like her... if you get my drift.

I'd think it was kinda weird if my friend told me she was proud of me for something. I actually think it's better to tell someone "You should be really proud of yourself!", it's less condescending.

That's just me though, who knows what your friend thought?

I have only scanned the other responses, but...

I have never worn a bikini. I do not remember wearing a 2-piece. I have not worn shorts (except possibly on a vollyball court) since I was about 12.

If anyone were to suggest I would soon be wearing a "teeny bikini" because I did a day of exercise (or even a week... or two...), my response would have nothing to do with them and a lot to do with me-- not necessarily my body image because I find bikinis inappropriate too -- even if you DO look like Halle Berry.

However, I do not impose that bias of mine on other and I would likely have said something like "yeah, right. Like THAT's gonna happen!"

Personally I would have appreciated the encouragement on the workout, but any response to the bikini comment would have been all about me and there is a HUGE possibility that I would not have had in mind at all that YOU wear bikinis ..... In other words, I would not have been thinking of you or your feelings, I would just have been thinking "There is NO WAY I am EVER putting on one of those!"

Call me naive, but I seriously would have laughed it off and thought "Oh, she doesn't want the bar raised that high since she IS hit and miss with exercise", and not thought anything of it.
I probably miss out on some people being catty and rude (or jealous) but I'd rather miss the possibility of that and go on with my happy life. I would not sweat it at all!
I also wouldn't sweat a friend who'd be "angry" with me for not letting my 3 year old go to the park without me. Please. Too much stress in the world. I do like and agree with Suz T's comment---if your friendship is good other than this little trait that may pop up occasionally, and the kids have a good time together, I'd just blow it off as her own issues. Either being nervous about aging, not feeling comfortable in a swimsuit, or failing again at her exercise goals, or "whatever". Not worth worrying about, in my opinion.

I think it was rude. I dont know if I would be mad about it, but please dont let the bikini thing bother you! If you got it, WEAR one! Please, do it for me!
My stomach was wrecked by age 21 from kids. So, pretty much my entire 20's I have been hiding it.
If I had a good belly, I would wear it as long as I could.
Sounds like shes bitter and jealous.
You better rock that 2 piece and feel good about it!

She sounds difficult to be friends with if
1. She would get upset if you didnt let your toddler go to the park alone.
2. She even cares if you wear a 2 piece.

Good luck with this one!

I would probably ignore it completely. Then, the first day the weather is nice enough to hit the pool, go out and rock your bikini. :)

You two have been friends for a long time, you did right by just letting it go... I know what she said hurts, but just let it go... Be proud that you look great at almost 38 and can wear a bikini, I just turned 38 but no way would I be in a bikini, but I don't do what you do. Keep treasuring your friendship... and don't ever let your 3 year old go to the park with just other kids... I'm 100% with you on that, they are all just kids, and going to park is fun time for all kids, it's not their responsibility to watch over a 3 year when they want to play and run around...

Yeah so, if you're going to have a friend with whom there is passive aggressive tension then you're just going to have to let things like this go and laugh it off "ahaha, jane is so snarky, that's so silly". Or whatever...or maybe she wasn't thinking and just fired off her mouth or whatever. Heck, she could have taken your "proud of you for getting into a routine" thing as patronizing. I prefer my relationships above board open, honest and comfortable. The relationship you're describing is why pick "girlfriends" VERY carefully.

I think it was rude, said in anger and in jealousy.

If you've got a body that can wear bikini's - go for it. The only problem I have with bikini's is that many nowadays don't leave much to the imagination. Three little triangles that might cover nipples and hair. However, that does NOT sound like what you are wearing.

Just ignore her comments. Just remind yourself that she's upset that:
1. You didn't allow your 3 year old (and I wouldn't have either) go to the park alone or with just her. You were right.
2. She's jealous that you have kept up your body EVEN after kids.

So take it with a grain of salt and press on. Let it go. don't let it ruin your day. That's what she's trying to do and if you hold on to it. She's succeeding. Don't give her that power.

The woman could have thought a little more before she put her virtual mouth in gear. But it's something you can ignore. Don't stew about it; let her temper be her problem. Save your wrath for bigger things.

I don't think it is appropriate but that is for me. Sure I have been in shape to wear one but I didn't, mostly because my kids would die a hundred deaths. They had a hard enough time with their friends hitting on me. In my defense I am too out there to actually realize when someone is hitting on me, I digress.

She was being rude and catty. Probably a bit of jealousy mixed in. She was wrong but if I were you I would be the bigger person and let it go.

If you are comfortable in a bikini then go for it! Don't let haters get you down.

I think you are taking it too personally. I think she did not mean anything towards you and your choices. I think she was just stating that she herself would be WAY too uncomfortable wearing a bikini. If you look great in your bikini, then that is awesome. Good for you! Most women wish they could but it just not look good on them. Who cares if someone thinks otherwise. But...I would not take her statement personally. PS - I am so jealous of the moms who can wear bikinis! I wish I could. I'm very thin, but I have diastasis rectis and a stomach that sticks out as well as hangy-saggy skin and super deep stretch marks covering my entire front. I exercise daily, I am a runner, skier, bicyclist, and love to do races...so it has nothing to do with being in shape. sigh. My bad luck. My stomach looks terrible...like a train wreck!

I would email her apologizing for possibly offending her. I would acknowledge that working out/swimsuits are a touchy subject and not the best topics for email. I know this would be hard to do after feeling slammed by her but I think it would put your heart at peace and also smooth over tension. A couple of tense emails is not worth things going South. Good luck and Kudos to you for being able to wear a two piece!

Personally, yes, I think it was a "dis" and if I received that email, I would be offended and pissed. Now, I know that everyone has different opinions on swimwear appropriateness, but truly, she just should have said "Thanks" or "yes, I can't wait to look for cute swimsuits". The problem is, if you confront her on this, she is simply going to say "Oh, you misunderstood, I wasn't talking about yoooouuu persay...blah blah" since that is what being passive aggressive is all about. I just wonder if it is really worth keeping this friendship going since your parenting styles may not match and since you say she tends to be passive aggressive. I probably would not say anything to her but I might back off the friendship.

I she complimented you last year, she was probably just feeling insecure about her own body and generalizing..I wouldn't take it personally :)

psst.. your friend is jealous, dont let her"you are too old"routine fool you. she is JEALOUS, and dont let her take your child, any child, to the pool without YOU. she doesnt sound like she's wrapped all that tight, think about it, first she says something nasty to you about being in a bikini.. then she wants to take your toddler, without you, to the pool ?! something doesnt sound right
K. h.

For many years there was a dress code for married and single women. A single woman could dress provocatively because she had to entice a man and get married. Once a woman was married she had to dress in a more subdued manner so she woundn't entice man to look at her--she was taken. Also once a woman was married she should be consertative in her spending on herself. It was her husbands money and she should be happy with only a few nice things.
Unfortunately many women never gave up those ideas. Depending upon how conservative an area you live in or she grew up in these silly idea remain.
I remember when tube tops became popular in the late 1970's early 1980's and I had just lost a lot of weight and my Mom had a fit. I was about 24 and married and my Mom actually yelled at me and told me to never wear those around her or when I was with her. She also never approved of bikini's --no decent woman should be seen like that.

Her comments may have nothing to do with you but she could have some issue with appearing provocative. Let it go.

I think she was trying to be rude just because she was mad about the park thing. And honestly shes probably jealous. And no your not making a big deal out of nothing cause id be very upset and mad. I think its best you didnt say anything back cause you have to live by her and everything but I do.nt know if I would have been able to not say something back to that. That is just mean and I think she knew she was being mean by saying that... Obviously. I am 25 and have 2 kids and I still wear a bikini because I can. if you were wearing one if those g strings or something then I could see her making a comment like that but your not. im sure you look just fine. Peole like her make me angry lol. Just because she cant wear one she disses on people who can.

Totally bitchy and lashing out because of the park thing. I would be annoyed and call her out on it.

I think you are reading into it too much. You thought she was mad at you for not letting your child go with hers and then took it as a dig. Its hard to read the email because depending on the person's emotions at the time---its interpreted a bunch of different ways. Let it go. If you are happy in the bikini, wear it with pride and let it go.