Yelling - Venice,FL

I found myself doing that at one point with my 3 yr old. I finally decided to start picking my battles and try breathing when I start to get upset. I've even stepped out of the room a couple times to give myself a chance to calm down before overreacting. I found my child was more calm and relaxed when I was more calm, so there's less fighting between us now. I'm really able to cherish my time with him and proud of myself for being able to punish him by talking instead of yelling. There's less temper tantrums too! Hope this helps! :)

I can sympathize. I sometimes get into that "I'm a horrible person because I'm yelling at my kids" thing. And sometimes it is TRUE! I do yell more than I should. But ALL yelling isn't bad, either.

A "happy medium" is what we should be after, if you ask me.

It obviously is something that has become a habit for you. A habit being, simply, what you "naturally" do in a given situation. Something gets spilled, you yell. Somebody pinches somebody, you yell. You're running late, you yell. Etc.

So treat it like any other habit you would want to break. Make a conscious effort for 3 weeks straight, that's 21 days in a row... to NOT yell. When something "bad" that makes you want to yell happens, take a deep breath and count to 10 (or 20 or 30, lol). Then make yourself say "tee hee" or something "happy" and then say to yourself... "it's not THAT big of a deal... next week/month/year I probably won't even remember this." Then, tell YOURSELF... that it's OKAY. EVERY mom has kids that make messes and don't behave perfectly and get on our nerves (sometimes often). Not every mother has a spotless house (yes there are a few out there, but not as many as your guilt ridden soul tries to make you believe). But a spotless house, spotless child, spotless mother and perfectly prepared meal are NOT necessarily a happy home. If you think all these things make you a good mother you are wrong! There is nothing wrong with any of these things, they are great! But if you accomplish them at the expense of being a happy person and enjoying your kids it is not even close to being worth it.

I also tend to think that a little mild depression can contribute to the yelling. When you are even slightly depressed (or in a funk or whatever you want to call it) you tend to have a negative attitude that just feeds into yelling at everything that goes wrong. The best remedy for it (at least for me - NOT for diagnosed depression mind you) is to get up and get moving doing something. When I am feeling "fat" for example, I tend to let the house go more. I don't do as much. I get cranky. When I do something about it and start feeling healthy again, I clean more, go outside more, DO more and just plain am happier. And it shows in the way I treat my family.

I hope this helps.

put a rubber band around your wrist, every time you yell give yourself a snap of the band. try this for 30 days

When I was young, I had to get the belt out of the closet for my spankings. When my mom realized that wasn't the best choice, she still didn't know any "right" way to do things so she yelled - a lot. I didn't want to be that kind of mom, but we are faced with a situation, all we hear is what we heard when we were young. It's like a recording that automatically plays when a child pushes the "right" buttons. I didn't want to yell either. It is all so negative, and really doesn't solve any problems. I tried to read and learn a lot about parenting, but didn't find success until I learned about Becky Bailey and her Conscious Discipline. In this book, "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline", she describes 7 values that are values that we want to show, and teach, our children. There are 7 skills that are based on these values. First, we learn to use them ourselves, then we teach our children how to use them. There are many ways to learn these, just check out her website, www.beckybailey.com . I have been learning to use these skills over the last few years. It wasn't a miraculous overnight perfect mommy cure, but it gave me a direction, and a better choice. I often have to Stop, Take a deep breath, And Relax, before I try to approach a situation with a problem solving attitude. And I use a lot more humor in our everyday interactions. My children are now 13 and 5 years old, and my son is learning to use some of these skills with his younger sister. It doesn't always happen, or work, but when I see him trying them, it makes my heart swell to know he will have a bit better of a head start - not just in family relations, but also in relationships with all kinds of people.

Hi, L.. I, also, had no childhood, no real mothering or fathering, and had to figure out what to do the best I could. I suggest watching other mothers and kids at play in order to learn what they do, and then do what you and your kids like.

I would start with using a toy that you know they like and that you sort of like, too. Let them lead you a bit, since you're rusty at playing, but don't let them rule you. Building stuff like using Leggos is usually pretty safe; everyone on the floor can build his or her own little tower or house, and you can all put them together and make a neighborhood or a town. This can lead into more social play where you play-act neighbors and friends or something.

Try singing with them. Teach them a kids' song. If you don't know any, get a CD with children's music and all three of you can learn it together. Kids LOVE singing. Ask Daddy to help you learn how to play, too.

I think that some of the yelling, aside from being the only parenting that was thrown at you, comes out of the insecurities that you were left with (not your fault) and also the anger you still have at your parents for not letting you have a childhood (also not your fault, but you have to let go of it). Do you have some secret jealousy that your kids get to be kids, but you didn't? Don't be ashamed, I felt that, too. My whole childhood was destroyed in the worst ways, over and over again. For my healing, and for your healing, that has to be let go of, forgiving the parents who didn't know any better (or were drunk or stoned), and focus on how beautiful and sweet and smart these children are.

Focus on what gifts you have been given. Focus on what's wonderful about these kids who don't have to suffer what you suffered. This all takes practice...but the first steps are letting go of what still hurts.

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the people who have hurt you and me, but for yourself. These people who hurt us do not feel our resentment or our pain...they have no idea. Letting go can only free you to live in the present and create a wonderful future.

If you believe in God, place these hurts in His hands as you forgive. Leave the justice of the matter up to Him. He's really, really good at it, even if we don't get to see how He evens the score (and loads us down with uncountable blessings besides).

I will say a prayer for your growth as a mom. I hope that you will find tremendous joy and let go of all the anguish.

Peace & hugs,
Syl

You arent being hard on yourself. Yelling all the time is being hard on yourself. Get Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. There are ways to get them to do what you need without yelling. Dont expect perfection or for things to change overnight, but they can be different. And remember, that was our mothers, not us. You are who you choose to be. And be careful, sometimes family members have a vested interest in you playing your already familiar role and dont like change, especially in dysfunctional families. You can do it, good luck.

I understand. I grew up in a yelling family but luckily had my child later in life and after much healing and meditation. I highly recommend that you take time to do something for stress relief like yoga and/or meditation. Meditation is as easy as following your breath, observing your inhale and exhale. you allow other sensations, sounds, smells, emerging thoughts, but always pay attention to the breath. If you follow a thought, as soon as you notice, gently bring your attention back to your inhale and exhale, and do not judge yourself for your mind wandering. Minds wander... Start simple with just 5 or 10 minute intervals.
Another thing that may help is taking time for a bath or for a creative activity like singing, painting, gardening, etc. Hubby sounds like he is good with the kids so let him know you are trying to become more mellow so you don't raise a bunch of yellers, he should get it.
Also, do you own your yelling? I tell my daughter I didn't mean to yell, shouldn't have yelled, and that I'll try to speak more lovingly, when I have yelled when yelling was not warranted. Like if I'm irritable vs. when she actually is being so naughty that yelling is called for. I explain to her that I don't mean to teach her to yell by yelling at her and she will call me on it sometimes when I'm yelling for no reason. The fact that I meditate and have done a lot of self-work gives me the ability to stop yelling and say, "you are right" and then speak normally, in that moment.
Good luck! Keep trying and growing!

There is a place for yelling, swearing, silence, because they get attention...until they become habits that your family acclimates to and can ignore. It is the habit (behavior) that you want to break. To break an unwanted behavior, first recognize when it begins. I'd guess you can feel that you are about to yell, and we know you want not to yell, so by recognizing the problem you are well on your way to solving it.

Next, think and decide what outcome you want: a quiet room; kids to settle down or to stop a certain behavior; your own inner calm, etc. I am guessing that sometimes the kids do not have the problem, but you do, so it'll be important to decide whose and what behaviors are getting to you. My mom used to realize that her annoyance was sometimes coming from her frustrations, and she would take a time out herself to regain her composure and not take it out on us kids. This was in the fifties before time outs became popular.

After understanding the situation, Mom and Dad would devise a question and word it in a way that we had to think about it...positively. "J., are you helping your sister? ...How?" "Kids, what are you fighting about?... Do you need a referee?" They would always slow down and listen to our answers (and help us stay on track to answer them), then offer their advice or leave it to us to solve on our own. "Everyone take a breath and talk it through, each taking turns listening to each other."

Mom lost it a few times, but moms are allowed. Once she 'ran away from home' in a menopausal huff precipitated by no one wanting to eat another dish cooked in an electric skillet with rice and tomato sauce (porcupine balls). She packed a bag, took the car, left us with Dad, and secretly went to the movies to cool off. All she missed was the minister coming around that Sunday and asking for her, to which I said, "She ran away." She never did again.

The lady who said to "do a new behavior for 21 days and you will adopt it" is right. Pick your number. Mine has always been 27 days, but I'm slow. {:>) The point is not to focus on not doing the bad behavior (shouting), but rather to concentrate on doing the new procedure or behavior you know will be better.

You can do it. Ask your family to help. At first, they will hear you shouting before you can hear yourself. This will be a good cue. Because you have their attention, they will be listening and hearing you better. Everyone can change for the better with your quiet leadership. When you are in control you are in charge.

Make it a great day!
J.

L.,

I to was raised the same way. I too don't want to repeat the pattern. A lot of my help came from a book called..She's Gonna blow by Julie Ann Barnhill you can get them real cheap on the internet. It is bibically based but it has been a great help. I refer back to it when times get me yelling again. Remeber it will take time to not revert or do what you grew up with for some many years..I have a journal and right when I do it right so I know I am moving in the right direction.

Please read: "The Best Things Parents Do: Ideas & Insights from Real-World Parents" By Susan Isaacs Kohl

According to Amazon's Product Description:

Each chapter focuses on one topic and contains stories and vignettes from Kohl’s personal experience, relevant statistics and psychological truths, strategies to use, and things to think about or actions to take. Kohl knows that when parents begin to pay attention to what they do well, they can do more of it—channeling their children’s energy into constructive endeavors, modeling positive behavior and discouraging negative behavior, and honoring their children’s feelings as well as their own.

_____

I bought the book and I think I have reduced my yelling - I'm only through 2 chapters.

It does takes time, there is no cure-all.

Good luck!

It's big that you can admit this to yourself - that's half the battle. I would advise that you see a counselor. Talk ALL of it through. Meaning what you grew up with etc...

You can do it L. - I just know you can!

I am here for ya,

A.

I have the same problem. My mom yelled when we were growing up b/c she grew up getting spanked with a belt or a switch. She didn't want to do that with us so she yelled instead. Problem with that, as I know myself and experience with my kids (7 and 5), is that kids get used to the yelling. I find I yell more when I am stressed so I've just tried to remember to calm down and talk about what I need from them instead. Boy it's hard when we're running behind schedule and my 7 yr. old is dawdling! It's a work in progress and a bad habit I strive to break. Don't beat yourself up. You know you want to change and you care about being better. That is awesome. Figure out your triggers and work out ways to diffuse yourself. Most of all, don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen overnight. Bad habits aren't created in a day and they take time to break. Good luck and I look forward to hearing how things work out.

Hi there, I too grow up in a house hold of yelling and hitting well more than hitting, more like beating's. I have a 6 year old and I have taught myself not to yell only when need be. What I do is usually either ask her to go to her room for 5 minutes so i can cool off or just walk away for a few minutes. I find it calms me down and does not get her upset. When I come back I will asked her in a very calm matter not to do whatever she was doing or just correct her then. She listens better and she does not get upset. Yes, I do yell but not often only when she test me. And believe me test me she does. Also, Kids tend to push us Mommy's more than Daddy's. My husband only has to look at my daughter. Sometime I want to pull my hair out. But Yes i yell too. Your kids know you better than you think and they will test your limits. Don't beat yourself up.

Me too- and I have learned so much from YokaReeder- check it out on the internet-she has helped me so much, k
psI can never remember Reeder or Reader, anyway check her out- has made a world of difference for me. k

I caught myself yelling "no" about something (can't even remember what it was about.) I felt bad. I think it's disturbing to my toddler to see I've lost control. It's not like me. For me, it's something that builds up. Frustrations build up. It's a sign I need a break.