Young Woman in Our Neighborhood Keeps Calling My Husband

Don't put words in his mouth but let him know that he needs to find an out to not help her with narry another task.

"My husband has smoked once or twice on occasion with her when I wasn't around. I told him I didn't like it and he stopped."
Drugs of any kind would be a deal breaker for me. More so with another woman.

Your hubby is an intentional crappy mechanic and she is his weed connection. You can storm over there and tell her whatever you want but your issue is with your hubby. He doesn't want to get rid of her yet.

No, I don't think you're being oversensitive or that you don't trust your husband. You want to protect your marriage relationship.

I suggest that you walk over and talk to this young lady. Let her know that you don't mind your husband helping her out, but to please call the house phone at normal hours, because it looks shady if she's calling him at work, when you're not around, or texting him at 3 am. You'd hate for his coworkers to start spreading rumors that your husband is having an affair or some nonsense.

Place hedges of protection around your marriage relationship. If that means "marking your territory" in a gentle way, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But be clear, you aren't mistrusting either of them. You simply don't want ANYONE to get the impression that anything inappropriate is going on.

If I were you, I'd call/email her myself and say, "hey my husband is too nice to say this, but he's uncomfortable with all your home repair needs. He's got his job, our family, and his own house to take care off. If you have any kind of true emergency, please feel free to call our home phone, as I'm able to help you locate resources more than he is."

Then tell your husband what you said to her. Inthe calls/ texts continue, I'd wonder if car/home repairs are really what they're talking about/doing.

Oh Hell NO! She is behaving inappropriately. Married people are allowed to have friends independent of their spouses. But this is not that, it appears. You are 100% correct that she should be calling your home phone should she require neighborly assistance. So this seems to need a two-prong approach. One regarding your husband and one regarding her. For him, it seems he likes to be needed. But he needs to do that within the bounds of respect for your marriage. And to protect himself. This is not about trusting him. This is about him demanding that outsiders respect your family. Texting a married man at 3am when you are not BFFs is disrespectful. I cannot envision a scenario in which any of my girl friends would be okay with this. Your husband has to know this in his heart, that this is not about trust but about respect.

For her, I would wander over there and be super friendly, not dramatic,--and up front. "My husband mentioned you've been texting him. Just so you know, I am here and happy to help too, so here is our home number if you need us. That's the best number to use to reach us." She needs to know that it's all out in the open, that you have eyes, that you are ON THIS, that you and your husband are a WE and and US, and that your husband comes as part of a package. No bypassing the wife. I imagine she will come by less and call less if the male attention is being diluted by the presence of his wife. :)

Good luck.

She is overstepping boundaries for sure. Helping out on occasion is one thing but calling all the time is not cool. I would remind your husband how he felt when the shoe was on the other foot. Ask him how he would feel if you were smoking pot with a male neighbor when he isn't around. If he can't see how that is a problem then I don't know what to say.
Maybe you need to confront this woman yourself.

In my opinion there is NOTHING for you to say to this young woman. Your relationship isn't with her but with your husband.

I don't think you are being overly sensative but this interaction between your husband and this neighbor is causing your alarm to go off and it should. It doesn't get addressed by talking to him about how she is the problem because he can't see it. The best way to deal with this is to stroke your husbands ego more.

The thing about your post that troubles me more is the fact that he got bent out of shape with you for forging and innocent relationship with a male neighbor but doesn't expect you to treat him the same way. This really makes my red flags, sirens, and whistles go off.

It think it is time for counseling to work out your deeper issues. If he won't go, you go because something truly ain't right.

Take this other woman out of the situation and just look at yourselves as a couple, first and foremost.

Are there communication issues between the two of you? Trust issues? You say he feels neglected because your focus is on the kids. THAT is something you CAN do something about. That, to me, sounds like the relationships are out of balance. Your last several posts are about your kids -- it is clear that you are extremely involved in their lives. Maybe your husband sees you putting so much emotional energy into their problems and lives that he's feeling a bit like chopped liver. Plus, it sounds like the two of you aren't always seeing the same vision for your kids.

Sounds to me like it would be good to make an effort to reconnect. Even if it's ten minutes each night "How was your work/how was your day?" "what do you think about such-and-such/current events" etc. "Is there anything I can do to help you out?"

If he's telling you he's feeling neglected, consider making regular date nights, or go talk to a couples counselor. These things do not improve on their own. We give so much of ourselves to our kids, esp when they are little we think "well, it'll get easier/less busy when they get older". Often, though, it just gets more complicated, busier. So you have to prioritize your relationship with your husband. Figure out how he can get positive strokes for helping at home, for being there for you and the kids.

I know how hard this can be, but we do work at it. My husband's favorite thing to do with me is playing cribbage, and so on the weekends, my son knows that "mom and dad are playing a grown-up game right now... we'll play a game you choose when we are done". There are other times that I make him wait because we're having an adult conversation and "I'm listening to Daddy--you've had my attention all afternoon. You can go play and I'll call you when I'm ready for you to talk." There's nothing wrong with the kids coming second or third sometimes. Nurture your marriage NOW, because one day, the kids will be gone and you will only have left what you have the taken the time to cultivate. It's very obvious that you care a lot about your husband and family, so make sure you augment that with lots of positive strokes for him, too.

BTW-- we had a potential person like this in our lives-- my husband and I agreed to have strong boundaries *right away* as this person relies a lot on others. It's also the neighborhood consensus that this woman isn't out to have an affair, but that she is just not good at pre-planning and accessing resources in advance. Making her actually PLAN things she wants our help for (as in "we can't drop everything for you right now, but we'd be happy to help you out for a couple hours on Sunday") has been great. From your SWH, sounds like your husband is on the right track.

Here's the thing. Your husband is innocent of any wrong doing and you're taking it out on him. STOP THIS> he's trying to be a good neighbor/human being and you're making this about him and not her.

She sounds dependent and there's not a lot anyone can do to fix this except teach her how to do this stuff for herself.

Next time he goes to fix something for her tag along. Visit with her. Show her a solid foundation. She's really NOT looking for a boyfriend in your husband, she's looking for a father or big brother figure. She's helpless.

She is asking for help because she doesn't know how to do anything else. As soon as she finds another person who is so kind and helpful she only has who she has.

Take her under your wing and guide her, teach her, be her greatest pal. She'll learn your independence traits and she'll find new ways to deal with stuff.

Used to be I'd call around to everyone I knew when a light bulb went out. I am short and didn't have access to a ladder. Someone finally just gave me a step stool and a box of light bulbs when they moved and "didn't have room to take this stuff". I finally did it myself.

I don't read ahead - so if I'm repeating sorry!!!

So if your husband is a mechanic - why does her car need so much fixing? Really?

Do you know for a fact she is a drug dealer or middle man? If so - why have you not called the narcotics division of your police station and tell them what you know? Do you really want drug dealers coming into your neighborhood?

This "W." is basically appealing to your husband's - and all the other men in the neighborhood's - "protective" instinct....she is plying them with alcohol and weed - so they don't see her as a threat.

Tell your husband to put on YOUR shoes. Remind him how upset he got when you wanted to have a play date with one of the stay at home dad's...then ask him what the difference is? He didn't like the situation and you respected it. YOU don't like THIS situation. He needs to respect that.

He needs to STOP drinking and getting high with her. What's gonna happen when he loses control of his faculties? What happens if & when he's there getting high and gets arrested when the cops catch up with her and her buddies (if she is a drug dealer or middle man)....??? what's he gonna do when **HIS** house comes crashing down because he didn't listen to the warnings by his wife???

As to your husband feeling neglected by you? ONLY YOU can change that. YOU MUST make time for your marriage. Seriously. If it means putting the kids to bed early one night and putting a blanket on the living room floor and pretending to be having a picnic - then do so. Even with kids - MY MARRIAGE is my priority. It's my job to shape my kids to be independent, responsible, active citizens and show them what a marriage SHOULD BE...

Go across the street and give this W. the house number. Tell her to call that before she calls your husband at work again....tell her you can help her just as much as YOUR husband can...

Another thing to keep in mind? You are his partner. NOT his mommy. Put your marriage first. Give your husband the attention he needs and craves and this other W.? She will fade...right now...she's got his attention because "she needs him"....don't forget - YOU have needs too!!

You admit that he may be feeling neglected because you focus on the kids. So you know that needs to change, and you should work on that.

But that doesn't excuse what's going on here. He may be blind enough to think that she's just honestly looking for help fixing all these things that need to be fixed, but she knows she's calling a married man and playing a dangerous game.

I think another talk with him is needed. He needs to understand it doesn't matter if his friends think you're wrong, or if their wives don't get upset - YOU ARE. You are bothered by this and he needs to respect that, because this is your relationship, not the relationships of his friends, which are different because they involve different people.

I also think it's important to note that you both seem to have trust issues: you don't trust him and/or this woman, and he doesn't trust you and/or other men. It's critical that you resolve this. You need to trust each other, to be able to be confident in the knowledge that when your spouse is in a situation where they are alone with a person of the opposite sex, nothing is happening and it is completely appropriate. I think counseling might be a good idea to help deal with this.

Lastly, a conversation with her. She needs to understand that you are fully aware of everything that is going on and that you are not thrilled with it. I would not forbid her to call or anything like that, but make it clear that you're both willing to help and that she should call the house phone. Use lots of "we" and "us" and "our family" to remind her that he is a husband and a father, and that she needs to back off.

She is overstepping. Like you said, asking for help occassionally is one thing, constantly is another thing. Those are things he does for you and your family, not neighbors.

I would talk to her myself if it were me. And your husband should understand your point of view and respect it.

Ummm...sorry bit who has THAT much car trouble?
Since he won't say something, maybe you should.
Give her your home number, say he's bad about returning texts and can't receive personal calls at work, so you'll be happy to get him the info when she needs help.
If it's all above-board, that should do the trick.
If it continues...well...that would be bad.

The thing is, this woman has become the neighborhood "charity" and the men like it.
Meaning, they like, helping her. And she plays the role.
Because, them helping her, is free.
And she is getting attention.
But she seems to be calling your Husband more, out of all the men in the neighborhood.
And anyway, how does she even get their phone number?
The men themselves, gives it to her.
Duh.
They are dumb.

If that were my Husband, he would have told her himself, that she is being annoying. And that, she is stalking his phone.
And he would not answer.

Now, the other problem is, your Husband smoked out with her.
Now, he has become her: smoking pal/buddy/whatever you want to call it.
And he now, has become not only her friendly-neighborhood-free-mechanic... BUT her cool-neighborhood-smoking-buddy-and-the-guy- I- can -call- at -ANY- hour- I -want.. Because, I have power over him. And he is my protector guy even if I have roommates. And he is so convenient because he lives right across the street from me.
That is what she is.
And she is trash.
And your Husband is dumb for getting suckered into it all.
And the woman is a drug-dealer????
Or maybe she prostitutes too?
Whatever.
Call the cops.

Calling at 3:00am.... is really, out of line.
And your Husband will not tell her to stop calling.
Hmmmm.....
What a coward. To say the least.
He seems to like feeling like her "SuperMan."

I agree with AngieO - let her know that your hubby won't say anything but he has a lot of work to do at home. Let her know that if she is in a true bind to call the house and if you guys are available, you'll BOTH come over to help her out. She will get the hint. If not, then you need to just tell her to back off.

Nervy Girl has an excellent answer -- reread that. I would add this about one thing you said in your SWH: If your husband keeps on dredging up the one time you cheated, many years back, he truly needs to stop doing that right now, and needs to figure out why he feels so compelled to use that as a weapon against you whenever HE feels insecure. This is where the suggestions about couples counseling come in. He needs some outside perspective on his habit (and it's a damaging one) of using the past against you that way. He also needs to deal with his pleaser tendencies. He should be pleasing his family, not everyone who takes advantage of him.

A lot of posts are saying it's all on you to improve your marriage but it's on him just as much. He needs to do half the work here; it's not all about you focusing too much on the kids. It's also about him not having boundaries.

Be sure he also sticks to his guns and does not cave in to do "just one little thing" to help this annoying, boundary-free woman. You describe him as a person who is a "pleaser" and it's easy for pleasers to crumble when someone pleads with them. If you think he might just revert to his pleasing ways and say "OK, I'll just look at her car one last time...," you need to be crystal clear with him that it just isn't going to happen. She will never let it be the LAST time if he says yes even once more.

You say that he says he "mostly ignores her now." That needs to read: "He totally ignores her now, does not text her even if the garage door is open, and doesn't ever return her calls." She is the type of personality who is going to push and push and even one returned call encourages her too much. Her pushy, user personality plus his pleaser personality are a very bad mix. Give him a LOT of positive reinforcement for saying no to looking at her boyfriend's car!

I would start calling her and ask her to babysit (for free, as a favour). I imagine she will stop calling your husband for favours.

Well, I was feeling bad about this situation, until you said that he had smoked weed with her a few times. Now what do you expect? Birds of a feather flock together. He's probably smoking behind your back. And I would not put up with any woman calling my husbands cell phone over and over, period. It is not a trust issue. It is a MARRIAGE issue. Stop putting your whole focus on your kids. Give your husband some attention, and go on some date nights. Give him a reason to stay at home.

Given the length of your original question and "so what happened", It's seems like the three of you may be smoking the weed.

Any woman who is calling and texting another woman's husband is doing more then saying thanks. As for your husband calling to let the woman know her garage door is not closed, should send up a RED FLAG for you. If this woman claims she fears there MIGHT be a break in, she should have sense enough to check things out, lock the doors and windows and close her garage door without having YOUR husband give her a call. Also, why couldn't you have given the courtesy call?

He's keeping things secret from you and doing things behind your back. Why? If he expects you to have trust, he should not have secrets like the fact they smoked together. I find it inappropriate that he would not tell you or ask you to come along. Smoking together is no different than eating together and if you said you went to lunch alone with a male co-worker after the fact, I am sure he'd feel jealous. In fact, he already showed you he was jealous when that stay at home dad was wanting playdates. At least having a kid around would guarantee no monkey business between you and that man, but if he's smoking alone without you or the kid around, that can definitely lead to monkey business. Add in the fact that you think you have been neglecting him and this is definitely a recipe for temptation and disaster. I find it unacceptable to text a married man at 3 a.m., no reason why she could not leave a note under the door thanking you both for your assistance (him for helping, you for being ok with it). Unless my husband worked in law enforcement or healthcare or there was a family emergency, 3 a.m. calls or texts would make me uneasy.

First of all, I wouldn't put it past her to be looking for a little action on the side, especially from a guy she thinks she can get to do stuff for her if he's emotionally or physically invested.

So I don't think you're wrong about what she is up to. And yes, she's a user, big time.

However, your husband is being a butt. He gave you a hard time over the stay-at-home dad who most probably wasn't calling YOU at 3:00 am. He's being totally hypocritical. He might very well like being "wanted", but the fact that he hasn't told this woman to stop calling him is an issue. You need to walk over there and tell her that you are tired of all the calling and texting. The middle of the night stuff is totally out of bounds and she seems to have no understanding of boundaries. Tell her not to call your husband anymore.

It's really that simple. If she calls your husband and tells him and he gets mad at you, then you know you really DO have a problem. Then you have to figure out if your husband is having an affair with her or if he is possibly contemplating it.