2 Yr Old Hitting Newborn

Let him help you as much as possible. It would help mommy if you could get me a diaper for ________. It would be a big help if you did this or that. Make him part of helper. Also get him a doll. May seem strange but little boys grow up to be fathers that also help. G. W

I have a book that has a chapter on this and it basically says that the older kid is going to have a lot of negative feelings about this new one coming in. I have yet to use the technique but I will pass it along anyway. When he hits say "you don't like how much time Mommmy spends with the new baby, you wish the new baby would go away," or whatever you think his feelings might be (called reflecting feelings back). Then say Mommy can never ever allow you to hurt the baby. You can show mommy how you feel on this pillow" or you can encrourage him to draw a picture of the baby and scribble over it or cut it up or whatever, and say "if you feel like you need more cuddle time (or whatever words are good for your family) just come and tell mommy or show mommy how you feel on the paper or the pillow, but i can never allow you to hurt the baby."

Anyway, I have older kids that reflecting feelings works amazingly well. When a kid knows he's understood its amazing how easily you can work on changing what is causing the feelings that cause the behavior. This acknowledges that he is angry or feels left out and gives him an outlet for those feelings. It doesn't make him feel guilty for having feelings just lets him know he will have to let out his frustration in ways that don't hurt the baby.

I know its cheesy, but the cheesy stuff has worked around here. We did punishments and tried taking away privleges and all of that for years, and never had these kinds of results.

S.

You're now being initiated into the motherhood of two boys :)
He's reacting using the only tools he has right now since verbally he can't even begin to communicate his feelings of losing his mother's (and father's) attention to this new sibling. I think you're handling the immediate situation appropriately and need to continue doing that. But, also you might consider making sure that you have a chance to spend some extra one on one time with him everyday and engaging him in being a big brother by getting his help. My son was 2 1/2 when his baby brother was born and he would bring me books to read while I was nursing his baby brother. I also had him help with diaper changes and baths by holding things for me. He also had his special time with the baby after I nursed as I would put the nursing pillow in his lap and he got to hold his baby. My boys are still quite close today (they're now almost 12 and 14 1/2) and they still enjoy their cuddle time with one another. I also made the effort (even with a newborn) to do special things with him at least once a week (e.g., a movie or going to the park, etc.). I think once you son is more comfortable with being a big brother, his behavior towards his brother might change (at least for a while until his brother becomes mobile and starts getting into his stuff, then you have a whole new problem).

Don't worry, the fact that he is giving kisses after he hits is a HUGE plus. When my daughter was born my son seriously tried to eliminate her for the first year of her life. He took lots of cheap shots when I wasn't looking, so I resorted to wearing her in the front carrieer a lot. I couldn't use swings or bouncers of any sort because she was a sitting duck. As soon as my back was turned he would tip her over or try to catapult her out of the the boucer.
It is funny looking back because he loves her dearly now, but when I was going through it I was a basket case. Your toddler has a lot of feelings right now and they take a few weeks to even out. Or, like my son, it was a full year before he accepted her into the family. Either way, try to be sensitive to his feelings when you are correcting him. Try no to show ANY favortism.
Also, I did breastfeed, but I would pump every now and then begining when she was about 4 weeks and let him give her the bottle. He would grin from ear to ear and it was the only time he EVER showed positive feelings toward her unil after her 1st birthday.

All the best, Liz

M.,
I did not respond initially but saved your post to follow up. If this behavior has not stopped or if you are concerned about the safety of the baby please call your local ECI and see if someone can help. They work with children birth to three and sometimes another eye can help tweak what you are already doing and make a difference. You can call 800-628-5115 and find a program near you.

My nephew would body slam and punch (very hard) the newborn and the mother didn't ever punish him, so it's good to know you are concerned.

At least he realizes what he is doing to an extent... however he still may not. The kiss afterwards may be more of him practicing the order of events that he has learned over time.

Kids his age don't really understand the concept of "hurt", they usually do it for the reaction. So explain to him that he is hurting the baby, and what that means. Every time, if you have to. He'll get it eventually. Keep doing the time out... consistantly. Get down on his eye level and remain stern.

Hi, M.! Congratulations on your new baby! Your sons reaction to his new brother is so normal and common. My oldest son did the exact same thing with my second son. He's not really trying to hurt him, just letting him know--yes, already--that he's the Alpha, the one in charge. And of course a little jealousy plays into all that, as well. My advice to you would be to involve your older son in EVERYTHING you possibly can with the baby...changing diapers, bathing, feeding, whatever. Commend him on his help EVERY chance you get so that he really feels helpful and involved, not forgotten, in this new addition to the family. The more possitive feelings you can create about the new baby and family make-up, the better. Discipline him, too, as you feel really necessary or if you really feel he could harm your baby, but I would say try to avoid negative feelings as much as possible. Remember, that little newborn is much tougher than we all have a tendancy to believe. Your sons are going to be the best friends either of them could ever have, and you just can't imagine what a blessing (and how much fun) that will be to you and your family. Good luck! You're a great mom!

The previous responses don't really seem to give you actions you can take. I only have 1 kiddo (19 month old girl) - but she has all of a sudden started hitting her dad and I. We are using the advice on Super Nanny and Nanny 911 - which is when she hits, I grab her wrist(not in an agressive manner, but to stop her from doing it again) and I calmly and firmly say "Stop. We don't hit" Then I release her hand. If she does it again. I say, "This is your warning. If you hit again, there will be consequences or you'll go to the naughty corner." If it happens again, I immediately pick her up and sit her down in the naughty corner (1 minute for every year of their age - so 1.5 minutes). She does sit there and is now realizing it's not fun and cries - but doesn't really move. When the time is up, I go to her and get eye level. I tell her again, we do not hit. I give her a big hug and say I love you. I then change the subject with her to something happy like "want to go play xxxx."

We are seeing improvements since we've started using this method.

Hi M.,
When I had my second son… my other son was 18 Months old and did the same thing. One of the things that I focused on was telling him that you don’t hit ANYONE! You don’t hit Mommy or Daddy or your friends or you Dog or your brother. I tried not to focus the punishment around the new baby and rather.. you just can’t behave this way. I have read that correcting sibling rivalry is sensitive and strategy is paramount early so that they will not resent each other later in life.

I also kept in mind that although my kids are young, I am already a role model. The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements sets a strong example for kids. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances that your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another. If your kids see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems, they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.

Good Luck!
E.

Are you sure that it isn't a too firm pat of affection? My 14 mo daughter does this with the newborn that I take care of. She is trying to be sweet, but comes across too rough. We are working on teaching her to pat the body and not the head and to pat gently. Good Luck!

I just wanted to let you know that we went through the same thing with our two daughters (DD #1 was 24 months when DD#2 was born). It will seem that you are in protection mode all the time for a while, but it does get better. We have entered a very loving phase (been here for a couple of months now). I think we are about to enter a not so loving phase since DD#2 has begun the walking process and is getting into DD#1's stuff. Just know that this, too, will pass. We had to show our daughter how to be gentle. And I still have to remind her to be gentle at times. And sometimes I know that DD#1 is up to something when DD#2 starts crying and DD#1 says,"SHHH! You're okay. SHHH!" I would just encourage you to find a way to correct your son without saying no all the time. Say things like "Be gentle." or "Remember babies need a soft touch." Because while sometimes he probably is trying to hurt the baby because he is angry at this baby who is infringing upon his territory, many times, he is probably just "loving" a little hard. So be sure to take into account his motives. It is going to be very difficult for him to learn to share with the baby since he has not had to do that before. Good luck.

Well it appears you've gotten some great feedback! I have a two and a half year old, at this age they simply don't know their own strength! I totally agree with all the other thoughts, make sure he knows that you need him there to help you with this new baby! Make that an honor of being a "big brother"! I also agree that it is probably a sign of affection although no one realizes it (probably not even him). He probably is jealous and probably is angry (that's probably a harsh word) that mommy and daddy's attention and time is split. Obviously be sure to spend lots of time with him too! Be sure he still feels just as important as before if not more. Its just a stage and he probably hasn't learned too well how to deal with everything in his little heart and head. I know my daughter gets excited even with me and my husband and will grab and pat where it is painful! He probably doesn't really know any better.

When I worked in the daycare which had brand new borns all the way up to kindergarden, we taught the kids that they only touch the toes of baby's because we don't want them to get our germs. I know that isn't a sibling or in a home situation, but maybe if he can understand that, he won't go overboard with the "love pats". Then as your helper throughout the day maybe together you can rub the baby's tummy or hold its hand and things like that together. Then its a bonding time for mom and the 2 year old as well as teaching them how to touch and communicate with the new baby...

Just my thoughts! Best of luck and congrats!!!

The new baby doesn't need as much "me" time as your toddler, since he's mostly sleeping. And your toddler is going to get your attention one way or the other. The typical advice is to encourage the toddler to help out with the baby. He can bring you this and that and encourage him to be the greatest big brother ever. One thing I did with my son at 15 months when his sister was born was to put a cape around his neck and called him Super Brother, which he usually started running around the house. [used up some energy as well]

He's probably at the age where sharing is beginning to be a problem, too, whether it's toys or the time with you. There are cute books on the subject to read to him. One I like is entiled The New Baby by Mercer Mayer.

Probably not the best advice you'll get but I hope it helps a little. But where you're really going to need advice is how to maneuver him, the baby, and the grocery cart!