4 Y/o Gets Angry Easily

You need to respect your son a bit. I had the same problem with my oldest when I got engaged - she had not seen or talked to her dad for over 7 years (his choice). It is hard for a child to let a man in - men do things very differently from us - your son is trying to adapt to this new type of authority - my advice to you - is don't let your fiancee get involved with your discipline - If you initate the discipline then you should finish it - don't let the fiancee jump in "mid-stream" it's too confusing for your son...

Your daughter isn't any better of a personality - she is younger and she is a girl - she is looking for that father figure in her life - your son is the "father" of the house - your son is also the "man" of the house. I know big shoes to fill - my children are without their dad - my 16yo and my 5yo son have taken on this role no matter how hard I try to let them be just children... they love mom and try to fill in and help.

I ended up breaking off my engagement - which I am very sad about - especially since I am pregnant, but my fiancee would not respect my parenting style an my children's needs for an adjustment. The bottom line is that your son needs to come FIRST - he is the child - your baby really - and the fiancee is the adult - so the adult needs to modify his behavior...

As for the ex - I wouldn't push the kids on him - the kids can feel how he feels about them - enjoy them and if things work out with the fiancee - the children will have a good dad - which is a blessing to you both - - -if not I assure you they will be okay...

Hi M.,
Divorce affects kids in so many ways and even though he's probably too young to have solid memories of life with his dad, the emotions are all living in him and he's trying to make sense of them. It's tough to blend families - there are tons of specific resources on the internet and some great books. Although it's not specific to blended families, I would recommend that both you and your fiance read "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Faber/Maslich (I think every parent should read this book regularly).

You and your fiance need to be on the same "team" and be really consistent with your parenting BUT your fiance is also not your child's father and shouldn't expect that relationship yet. Over time, your son may come to see him as a father, but it's too soon. If your son's anger issues don't get better soon (and they likely will if you read the book and follow it's guidelines), then I recommend seeking the help of a professional. A short time in therapy can be really helpful for a child and the longer his feelings aren't dealt with, the more confused he will become and the more defense and coping mechanisms will get put into place on an unconscious level (which makes for more trouble as he gets older).

The great thing about kids is how resilient they are and how quickly they can change when they feel understood. Seriously - get the book, read it, implement it. It will make a difference. But your fiance HAS to be in on it with you or your son will just get more and more confused. Good luck!

Wow.....this sounds like a pretty tough situation. Since you & your ex broke up, has your son said anything about missing his dad or wanting to see him more? I'm sure that has something to do w/his anger. My husband & I are togehter but our son, who is 6.5 years & gets angry & frustrated easily. He's an emotional kid anyway & wears his heart on his sleeve. To get him to calm down, we did a variety of things: had him take deep breaths, count to 10 or take some time to himself but not a time-out. We also really praise him when he handles a situation calmy when it would've frustarted him before & caused an outburst. Maybe try lavishly the praise on him every time he is respectful & listens to you & your boyfriend & when he doesn't loose his temper. Some of it will get better as he matures. Our son's anger became more problematic when he started K. Even tho he knew 7 kids going into his class, he still had some problems adjusting to the transition of it all. We eventually decided to get him some therapy as we felt we were running out of ideas & thought it would be helpful for him to speak to someone objective. It has made a big difference. I'm sure some it, too, is he's matured & adjusted to the changes of K. Maybe your pediatricain will have some ideas & if you feel things haven't gotten better, maybe try some counseling for him. Good Luck!

Dear M.,

Yes, you need to spend a lot more time reading and finding out about boys his age. He is probably very angry with both his father and your boyfriend, and I don't blame him. You need to get close to him, and have boyfriend do so too. If you spend quality time with him doing things that HE likes to do, then he will start to trust you and respect you more. Then he will tell you what really is in his heart and you all can understand each other more. He will also love to have your trust and respect too. Kids are very sensitive to that sort of thing. They are not just our prisoners, you know. You are raising a husband and father for your grandchildren you know.
I am very serious, C. N.