4 Year Old with Broken Heart

My only question would be why you need to get into another relationship so fast...and again, so fast...?

C.,
I am glad to hear that you are seeing a Christian man. When I first read your post my immediate thought was how much your daughter needed to know a heavenly father that won't let her down. I would pray first for "understanding" for your little girl. Reassure her that her "daddy" really does love her but is hurting so much right now that he cannot show it. You might want to consider teaching her to pray for him. This might help you both.

I pray for you right now.

You do not ever want to tell her that he was self center or bad, you will only push her to dis like your new man even more. I have two girls that grew up in a similar situation. My oldest daugher knows her dad, and loves him dearly, even though he has not bothered to contact her in anyway over the past 7 years. My current husband to be had 2 years of pure misery trying to win her over. I mean it was a constant battle, she refused to accept him. We are now getting married next weekend, and over the past year, you would not know that she felt that way. She has become very close to him. So my advice, let her decide on her own, because she will. My daughter told my husband to be, that she would never call him dad until we were married. This was her safe guard against geting hurt again.

Time is on your side, but you both need to be patient no matter how hard it gets. She will push his buttons to no need, before she realizes, the this current guy really loves her in the long run, if that is how he feels. They will need to build trust, between each other, before they build a relationship. It will take her awhile before she trusts him.

Hope this helps.

So she is hurt already by the split and now you want to tell her nasty things about her "daddy"? I think she is hurt enough. Focus on the positive times she had with him and don't tell her why he left, then she will always blame her brother and it could ruin their relationship. Leave it as sometimes mommy's and daddy's don't get along so they can't live together and go from there. If he still loves her and wants to do things with her focus on that.
C.

Bless her little heart! I am sorry she is going thru such pain. It has been my experience that children tend to be happy when Mom is happy. I wouldn't "go there" about past relationships. Just focus on showing her love and peace and she will get it. If your new friend is a Christian, he will understand this and Jesus will win! :)

S.

Just keep reminding your daughter that it's not her fault that daddy left. When you do prayers remind her to pray for daddy AND for her to pray for herself. Pray with her for Jesus/God to help her not feel so sad. You can't explain your past relationship to her. She's too little and innocent. As for as a new relationship, contact with different men should be halted. I strongly believe children should not be introduced to a new man until the talk of marriage has come up. You can't force this new relationship on her. She may never love this new man as she did her daddy and you have to be willing to except that...as does this man. Most that you can do is allow your daughter time to heal, even if that takes years. Think of it as a death. A child does not know how to grieve their loss, so think of it as a death- she has to go through her own steps to heal. I wish you luck and I hope your daughter's heart heals.

I know it must be rough being a single mom with 2 children, especially one disabled. But remember that they come first before trying to form a new relationship with a man.

Just make sure she doesn't blame herself. Kids tend to do that in traumatic situations. Tell her it is his decision to stay away and put that responsibility on him. I've dealt with the same situation with my children for 7 years now and my oldest son is in counseling to help him deal with his anger over it. Give her lots of love and support and just tell her that you are there for her always.

C.,

I agree with some of the other responses. Your daughter is just not grown up enough to understand what happened with her "daddy".

However, I would not tell her that your ex left because her brother has severe disabilities. If you do, she may in time come to resent her brother for taking away her "daddy". This information has the real potential warp their future relationship. When she is an adult you can give her that information. After she is a bit more worldly and has more experience with relationships herself.

All of her memories of your ex are from a child's standpoint. She will remember flashes of good times, all wrapped up in a feeling of protectiveness. She may also remember the arguing and at some point may feel that you drove your ex away. When she is old enough she will need to know that your ex left because there were issues that he couldn't work through.

Leave out old accusations and arguments, just tell her the time line of events and calmly explain your feelings. Don't try to analyze his, because you really can't know everything he was feeling. Don't bring up your son's role until she is an adult.

I would really make sure you don't talk badly about your ex in front of her. She still worships him, and by saying bad things about him you will be hurting the trust she has in you. Losing this childhood trust can affect your relationship for years down the line. She will be confused because she remembers him in one way, but hears your feelings that are completely different.

Allow your daughter the chance to make her own judgments about his character, but don't call him names. She needs to come to her own conclusion without her mother's emotional baggage.

At some point in her adult life she may decide to seek out your ex and ask him questions. It will be easier for her to do this if she doesn't get a lot of angry feelings from you. If and when she does seek him out she won't be feeling guilty or that she is betraying you. And after the meeting she will be able to come back to you and talk about what she has learned about him.

If the guy you are dating is truly a great person he will understand and enforce these same ideas. Also, he will not ask your daughter call him "daddy". She is old enough now that this may never happen. You may have to settle on a different name or title. It may take years before she feels comfortable calling your new beau daddy. Patience and allowing her to guide you will be the best course of action. She needs to work through her emotional issues and can't do that if her mom and mom's new boyfriend are continually asking her to call him daddy or do things with him that she used to do only with your ex.

I would seriously consider taking her to a counselor so she can work through some of her emotions. Children at this age only think of the world as it centers around them. She may be feeling guilty, that she drove her father away. She needs to know that it wasn't her fault. He left because he had problems of his own that he couldn't work through.

I hope these suggestions are some help. Good luck.

I think, until your children are older, your relationships should be kept to a minimum. I speak from the experience of being from a 'broken home' and also having friends who are single parents. They date, but not in front of the children. Your priority needs to be the welfare of your children, not finding a new partner. You have had two men walk out on their own children, do you really expect to find another one who won't walk out on another man's children? Hold off on the dating for a while and build up your daughter's (and possibly your own) self esteem. It won't be easy, but it wil be worth it.

Good luck.

Hello to a new sister in motherhood,

My name is J.. I'm 35 and a single mom in Kalamazoo. While I don't have a wealth of advice, I wanted to express my understanding toward your situation. My daughter is also 4 (5 in August) and has really grown attached to the man I've been dating for a little over a year now. He is selfish, self-centered, doesn't extend himself past his own wants and needs and has disappointed my Amaya tremendously by constantly saying that he's going to do things with her/us and then backs out due to his own issues. She always forgives him and adores him. Every time I try to make a break from him, Amaya falls apart, making it so much harder to get him out of our lives for good. He ruined our 4th of July this year (as he has every holiday since we've been together) and I decided I've had enough. The car ride home was him apologizing and promising to change (we've heard all that before) and poor Amaya crying not wanting us to break up. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. It's so hard being a single parent and trying to date and meet your own needs for love and attention. I admire your ability to see that the old relationship was wrong for you and not what any of you needed in your lives. That you've met someone new who is so great with your kids gives me hope. I know I want better for my daugther than someone who can't see past himself to be there for her in the ways she needs. I told my daughter this holiday weekend that while we sometimes hurt and miss someone in the beginning, we should both want a friend for mommy and for Amaya that likes to be with us and do the family-oriented things that we do and that is nice to both of us. She agreed and I hope that the next time there is an opportunity to break away from this man, I will take it, knowing that the hurt is temporary and that in the long run, we'll both be happier and healthier with the right man in our lives.

I know this doesn't give you much advice, like I said. But sometimes, it does help me to know that there are other people having the same single mom experiences that I have. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best. Time does heal all wounds and kids are resilient!

J.

I found out 8 months ago that my husband has been using drugs secretly at work. He was refusing to get help and I kicked him out of the house until he got help. When speaking with my counselor, he said to tell the children that Daddy is making poor choices. (my boys are 4 & 6) It is not your fault at all. He is making bad choices and when he starts making good choices, he may come home.

I'm thinking with your situation, explaining that he made bad choices and you know that he hurt you all is what she needs to hear. It's OK to feel sad about how awful he treated you all. But not everyone makes bad choices. This new man is someone who makes good choices and aren't we lucky to have him with us? Look how much he cares about you when he plays with you, etc.

So much advice on TV is to say it's nobody's fault and it leaves a child confused and then they blame themselves no matter what you say. Children are a part of their family and shouldn't be fed a bunch of fluff but the TRUTH at a level they can understand. I am so sorry for what has happened in your family. I will pray for you and your dear children as you all learn to move on together.

BTW - my husband is finally getting help.

Oh C. I feel for you. Myself I try to stick to the truth, and just water it down a bit. Something like Daddy was being very selfish, and scared. He was scared his son needing so much help was his fault, that it made him not a good daddy. That he needed to grow up more. And maybe you could pray for him to grow up and be a better person. And lots of reassurance that your daughter is a wonderful person.
Thats the sort of thing that would work at my house. I'm sure you can also find a good book like the bearnstine bears that has a moral to it about daddys leaving.
Good luck, A. H

HI,
First I think I'd be careful who I introduce my child to unless I'm absolutely sure this is a long term relationship. I'm sorry for all of your losses with your ex. There are books at the The Self Esteem Shop, I believe they have a site on line, one title that comes to mind is The Day Daddy Left or something close to that. I also would try to inform your ex that he needs to try and remember her and maybe spend some time with her if he can be reliable.If he can't then maybe he can call her and talk to her just so the loss isn't so great all at once.I would not make your ex into a bad guy in your daughters eyes, she loved him and that's all that matters at 4.
Hope that helps.
L.

I agree with alison d... why do you involve your kids in your relationships so early on.... kids get easily attached. I think you need to stop trying to find your kids a "dad"

I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter, who often surprises me by her understanding and knowledge of things. I'm also not a person that will knowingly speak poorly of people in front of my daughters if they are someone they will need to interact with later, simply because you can never trust what will come out of their mouth. However, I would put the situation in child like terms, explaining exactly what happened and that he won't be around - even say that he thinks more of himself then of the kids. Put it back on him. At the same time, I wouldn't expect her to get as attached to this new man that is in your life. It's wonderful for you, but she may take a little longer to warm up to him and even longer to form that same attachment. And that's okay. My aunt was in many relationships after her divorce from her husband that left her with two children. He lives in another state, so only saw the kids for a couple weeks over the Summer. At first the kids easily formed attachments. However, as they got older they stopped forming those attachments as quickly. They are both perfectly normal kids, it's just a self defense mechanism that they seem to use (or so the counselor told her) when going through counseling with her second marriage.

Speaking as a child of a broken home, I would encourage you not to speak negatively about your ex to your daughter. He was a good daddy, and he loved her, and I would imagine still does. Focus on that with her, even if he is a creep and treated you poorly and left out of selfishness. She will figure that out on her own when she is older. My dad was a jerk too, but my mom never said anything negative about him, eventhough there was plenty to say, and I really appreciated that. Once i was older, I was able to see how selfish he was and make my own opinions, I think that was the best for my relationship with my mom and I. Good luck.

you can't tell her that. she will figure it out in time on her own. all you can do is be there for her and acknowledge her feelings. my oldest son went throught that when his father and i divorced. its been 22 yr since he has seen his father, i never talked bad about their father around them, they figured things out for themselves. if you tell her bad things about him you may have problems with her, worse than the ones you already have because you will have changed in her eyes too. good luck

C.,
I think that is a lesson she will figure out on her own when she is older. For now, the best thing would be to acknowledge her statements about him by "guessing" at what she means, and letting her know that he loved her as much as he could. Example - "You wish daddy could see your picture. I wonder (here is the guessing part)if you feel sad that he isn't part of our lives anymore. That is a choice he made, but he loves you as much as he can." (This just hints at telling her he is a big jerk!) It is important to guess at her feelings rather than telling her what she feels. And if she says she isn't sad (even if you think she is), be supportive of that. "Ok, if you don't feel sad, what do you feel?" At this age kids' ability to identify feelings is pretty limited - happy mad sad scared. You can help expand this by talking about your feelings - about any topic. And, when she is physically exhibiting feelings, you can "guess" again at what she might be feeling. "I see you are crying, I wonder if you are sad." "I see you are making fists, I wonder if you are mad." This might seem really basic to you, but she won't learn about feelings and their espression unless you teach her!!
And, while I appreciate his effort, it might be helpful if this new guy tries a little less hard to win her over. Give her space to mourn the loss of her "daddy" - and to decide when SHE is ready to have a new father figure in her life.
K.