A Little Uncertain

Updated on March 02, 2013
J.V. asks from Las Vegas, NV
8 answers

As of right now I'm not sure if my son will be going to see his dad during spring break. But my mind has been racing for a while now with the thought of him going down to see his dad. I'm not sure how I feel about him being with his dad by himself and without me close enough if he needs me. Now I'm in no way trying to keep him from his dad and would never do that. I just feel a litte uncertain if 1. this is even going to happen and 2. how my son will react to the whole thing. I guess in a way is do I really trust his dad when, well, for the past couple of years his dad hasn't been in the same state because of his job. The last time my son saw his dad was Christmas time. The reason why I said do I really trust his dad is that in the past when things were good with us I would tell our son that his dad is going to come home to see us and then it would be me telling our son sorry but daddy can't come down. The look on his face is something that I won't forget and even now our son doesn't know that there is a possibility he might be flying down to see his dad. His dad has never done anything hurt our son and I believe he never will. I guess I maybe just over thinking this whole thing but just the thought of my son not seeing his dad again anytime soon just drives me a little crazy.
Forgot to mention that my son is 6 going to be 7 in April.
Any suggestions or thoughts to ease my mind. Please be kind about this.
Thank you.

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So What Happened?

I'm hoping that I find out on the 9th of this month whether or not my son will be going to see his dad for spring break. I agree my son needs father time with his dad and he would really love it. For now I'm going to try not to think about not knowing if it will really happen and just wait and see.

Thanks ladies!

More Answers

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K.C.

answers from Los Angeles on

How old is your son? What's his relationship like with his dad? Why don't you trust him? I know he hasn't been living nearby, but has he done things to make him untrustworthy? What does your son think about going? Is he excited about it, unsure, indifferent?

I think we need a lot more info to really help give you good advice.

All that said, unless his dad has actually done something that concerns you, don't worry about it. And if he HAS done something that makes you truly question your son's safety, then you should take it up with the courts and modify the custody agreement.

4 moms found this helpful

K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

Ease your mind?
---That man is responsible for helping you make that beautiful son of yours!
---You are not frightened for his safety and know that Dad will take care of him.

Just keep telling yourself that...over and over again! Without him you wouldn't even have your son!

Everything will be OK.

When will you know for sure if it is going to happen? This is the part that would be driving me crazy...the not knowing! Call him and find out what's going on!

~If I were you, I wouldn't tell your son until the very last minute and then make it a huge fun surprise. No point in telling him if the plans can get cancelled. You would be wise to shield him from that disappointment!

Everything will be OK!

3 moms found this helpful
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H.W.

answers from Portland on

I don't know what age your son is, but here goes:

My adoptive dad and my bio mom split when I was about 8 years old. We had a season of visits for about a year, then mom moved us out of state. I spent nearly 9 months away from Dad, but in the summer got to take an airplane (all by myself! HUGE confidence booster, actually) from Idaho to Oregon and spent the summer with my adoptive dad. I loved it.

A good dad will be a good dad, no matter where he is. I loved getting the one-on-one with him for a month that summer. I loved being around him. Even though he hadn't been on "kid duty" for a long time, he took great care of me. (This was actually a respite from a new, mean stepfather, so this was like a present for me.)

All that to say, I'm sure my mom did fret some before I left. However, things were more than fine. I was allowed to call my mom whenever I needed to. Perhaps setting up a regular time for phone calls once or twice a week-- and then letting your son know that he can call whenever he feels the need-- would be helpful. My mom taught my sister and I how to make collect phone calls, too, and would write down the phone number each and every time in a puzzle book or other book before we left. In the coming years, visiting relatives, I traveled--either alone or with my youngers sister-- without much adult help on Greyhound or taking planes from Oregon to visit family in Honolulu for six weeks at a time.

All was well. Let your son have this experience. He'll learn how it is to 'be' with dad. If he calls and complains, listen and they try not to react, but to be *constructively responsive*. If it were me, I would encourage him to speak up for what he needs *before* speaking directly to the dad, so that you aren't just being 'the heavy'. For better or worse, they'll have to suss out their own relationships with each other. Be available to listen to both of them and their frustrations/problems and offer constructive advice and criticism to both if asked.

I don't know what else to tell you. As for 'if it's going to happen'... this is hard to say, but yeah, I was left disappointed a few times with my bags packed, thinking Dad was coming and getting a call. If this happens, just a lot of empathetic listening is all that can be offered. My mother made the mistake of painting my adoptive dad in a bad light when these things happened-- he was in the National Guard/Army Reserves, and a couple summers, when things were bad, he was called out to fight fires. Our mom, pissed to miss a 'child free' weekend with her new husband, would often make disparaging remarks like "well, I guess it's more important to him to play the hero with all his buddies instead of keep his word to his kids." (She is c.r.a.z.y., by the way. I KNOW you won't do this!) All that to say, yes, it hurt like crazy to have the plan changed, but it would have hurt less if she hadn't thrown him under the bus. AND as an adult, it's been a hard road, but both my sis and I now have a pretty good relationship with him.

Sorry this is so long. All of this is meant to say simply: no situation is perfect, but how you present and handle it-- no matter what happens, can make a positive impact on your son. Even if he ends up being disappointed, your support and love is what he'll remember.

3 moms found this helpful

A.M.

answers from Kansas City on

i think that you plan the trip, and don't tell son until right before it's time to go. that way if dad flakes, he is none the wiser. my son is 6 1/2 and i can easily imagine his reaction to something like this - you're right. heartbreaking. but yes, you need to let him go. i think that's very important. good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Hartford on

Unless your son's father is a child abuser, then I don't think you should keep your son home. You either trust him or not, and trust that he's a good enough father to handle whatever comes up.

You can set up a schedule with your son so that you can talk every couple of days but remember that Spring Break is only one week. Your son CAN handle being with his daddy for one week because you're a good mom. But give him some tools "just in case." Make sure he has your phone number/s memorized in case your son needs to call you. Set up an emergency plan and write it down to go over with your son's father... list of medications and dosages and schedule if any, phone number for his usual pediatrician, send along a first aid kit, emergency phone numbers. Just the basic stuff.

I would wait to say anything to your son until just before it's time to leave. He's so young that if you tell him now anyway, his concept of time will make it difficult for him to wait and his excitement will build up incrementally. Wait until you're nearly certain that your son's father won't flake out.

2 moms found this helpful
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A.B.

answers from Dallas on

I think that the difference is that your son would be going to see his dad for visitation with just his dad. They need some time together as father and son. Please encourage his dad to see him alone. At the same time, I wouldn't tell your son until it is imminent and basically certain.

Are you still married/separated from his dad? The spring break visit is not the same as things going well in your relationship with his dad, and his dad returning to the two of you to be a family again. That may be the difference between previous times. You definitely do not want to feed your son's hopes of being a family again, but you do want to encourage a healthy positive relationship and time with his father. Boys need positive experiences with their male role models. The spring visitation would just about his dad and him, and the relationship between his dad and you should not impact that visit at all. Also, if you do not already have one, you may want to talk to his father about setting up a formal, legal visitation agreement so that expectations and calendars can be more set on all sides.

2 moms found this helpful

S.G.

answers from Grand Forks on

Unless his father is abusive or completely irresponsible, or your child is an infant or toddler I don't see any reason for him not to go. How old is your son? Kids go away to sleepaway camp for weeks at a time from about the age of seven, with total strangers, so a week with his dad shouldn't be a problem. There is nothing your child can need you for that his dad can't provide. Don't let your son see that you are worried.

2 moms found this helpful

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

Dont' tell him until last minute and only when you know it's definite. My soon-to-be-ex travels ALL THE TIME so the kids go MONTHS at a time not seeing him, and often plans change and he can't visit. It's never been a problem because I don't set them up to anticipate it. It's just a "SURPRISE!" when their dad pops up.

1 mom found this helpful
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