Ok, I have written about my step daughter before and she is still such a terror at 9 years old. Her dad and I are sort of at odds on what to do about a situation that came about today. Here goes: She is in the 4th grade and all the 4th graders are getting ready to go on a field trip in about 2 weeks. Her money is due tomorrow, the 1st. She asked me for a check this morning, but like always, I told her it wasn't due until tomorrow, so I would write her a check today for her to turn in. She of course pouted off to watch for the bus. I didn't think much of it until this afternoon when she came home from school with a note from her teacher. It said that my step daughter had come to school today and told her that we couldn't afford the trip. Her teacher told us not to worry about the expense that she would take it out of the charity money recieved from local churches. I was so embarassed. First of all, paying for the trip has never been an issue, she just wanted some extra attention and sympathy. I told her dad that I don't think she deserves to go on the field trip. He is going back and forth on what to do. If it was your daughter and she pulled something like this, what would you do?...T.
Ok...thank you all for the wonderful advice. I Let my fiance know how I felt the situation should be handled. I told him that I felt that she should not be allowed to go on the field trip. He spent the entire night thinking about it. He talk to his daughter lightly over dinner about the situation and she showed no remorse for anything she did. When asked, she said that she would have taken the charity money. My fiance works 12 hour shifts and has a round trip driving time of 2 1/2 hours, she most days he doesn't even get to see her. He has been out of work for 3 week due to back surgery, and his eyes have been opened to his daughter's behavior! She lies all the time and there is never an apology or even acts like she cares. The next morning we went to see her teacher, who has been so involved with our daughters behavior and mental problems since the first day of school. She told us what my step daughter had told her, which was far worse that what we thought. Just pulled out all the sob stories just get what she wants. Thing is, I already had the check written out for school, she was just in a bad mood and wanted things her way. If she doesn't get her way, she will lie and do whatever it takes to make things terribe.
So, she isn't going on the field trip. She will be staying home with me, that is like double punishment to her to have to spend extra time with me. She will have to do school work all day, just like she was in class. Then that afternoon she will some extra chores to do. He told her that if this doesn't make her see that we are serious about making her behave that we will take more trip away from her. Like her dad said, she doesn't deserve to have special treats if she conitues to behave bad with all the lying, being disprestful, refusal to do anything we say, not eating, not taking a bath.....Thank you all again for the advice, i took it all to heart.
Explain to the teacher what the real issue was and then not allow her on the trip anyway! I have been in a situation very similar to this. My daughter stayed back that day in school as a consequence. It has never happened again.
I agree she doesnt deserve to go on trip and she should be made face class and tell them shes a lier and she should have to do some type of volunteer work in area and give back to the community what she was willing to steal from a child who may of needed this money.Please dont let her get away with it for it only gets worse ,believe me I am living in hell right now over my daughter.
i think that first, as parents (and the adults) we need to take a look at our behavior and then concentrate on what we can do to help our children grow up healthy, happy, and honest. i know for myself, there are many times when, usually after acting, i take a step back and reflect on what my contributions were to a certain situation. far too often, instead of doing what is best for my child, i ave to admit that i acted more on my own moods and emotions. although your daughter's behavior is unacceptable, perhaps a thorough look at the whole situation may reveal some things you were unable to see before. have your child's best interests at heart no matter what, and resolve to keep a positive attitude!
I wouldn't let her go on the field trip. People say they feel sorry for her, but she is nine years old and she knows what she is doing. I have a son, who is eighteen now, that pushed me and my husband in a similar manner when he was your step-daughter's age. We were married when my son was six and he tried everything he could to try and get us to separate. He literally hated my husband because he wasn't his dad. It took years to get it under control. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel..my son and husband actually get along good and have for a few years now. It was very hard, but stand your ground or she will keep pushing.
yes i think ur def right in this if it were my step/or biological daughter SHE WOULD NOT GO.end of story and she'd be punished further. if she's allowed to get away with it she's just won her test of will.
i wouldnt let her go on the field trip and i would go with her and make her appoligize to her teacher for lieing to her that might be all that it takes for her to stop.
She is obviously having issues with her new family situation. I would still let her go on the field trip. I would take her to see the teacher and make her apologize for telling a lie. I would also conference with her teacher alone, let her know everything at home so you and your stepdaughter have support away from home. You might even want to get with the school counselor or if you go to church the Pastor. I wish you the best and hope all works out!
I personally wouldn't let her go. If she finds out that she can make stuff up and people will fall to their knees for her....lord knows what she will think of next. God forbid that she figure out how DSS works!
Hi T.,
We've corresponded about your step-daughter before. She's manipulating again. I think the previous posters might be on the mark with the teacher conference, the class apology and being made to miss the trip. With priviledge comes responsibility and with responsibility comes priviledge. I would go WITH HER & HER FATHER to see the teacher. (Not yelling, just no way to bold.) There needs to be a unified front. She needs to tell the teacher the truth. Then, I would make her tell the class the truth. If it were my daughter she would not be allowed to go on the field trip.
I have a friend who went through a lot of these same issues when her daughter was 12. The daughter ended up sneaking a bottle of wine on the trip, then they found her with a group of students in the parking lot of the hotel flashing people as they drove by. You have the chance to put an end to some of this now. It doesn't sound like she has earned the right to go. She hasn't earned the priviledge, she needs to take responsibility.
I'm sorry that you're still having to deal with this. You've tried so hard to make a nice home for her, but her father has to understand that it's his daughter and he has to step up to the plate. I'm keeping you all in my prayers.
Good luck!!
T., MY DAUGHTER IS 9 AND A YEAR AGO SHE DID SORTA THE SAME, SHE WOULD GO TO SCHOOL AND TELL THE TEACHER THAT I DON'T LOVE HER AND HOW SAD THAT MAKES HER, THEN SHE DID THE SAME WITH LUNCH. SHE HAD THE MONEY IN HER BOOKBAD AND TOLD HER TEACHER THAT I SAID WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY LUNCH, MIND YOU I DID SAY THAT BUT THE COMMENT WAS, SHE GOES TO PRIVATE SCHOOL AND THE GET CHICK-FIL-A AND QUIZNOS AND I DID NOT SEE THE POINT OF PAYING MORE FOR HER IN A WEEK THAN I SPEND ON MYSELF AT WORK. FIRST YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO HER THEN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE TEACHER, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ELSE SHES BEEN SAYING. BEFORE I MADE THE APPOINT WITH THE TEACHER SHE TOUGHT I WAS THE WORST PARENT IN THE WORLD UNTIL SHE MEET ME. GOOD LUCK...
Not let her go on the trip. Has to learn consequences of bad behavior.
I just think she is craving attention, poor thing. I know she can drive you crazy but, please, remember that she is just a kid, perhaps with some unresolved issues. I know I would have never like living with my father and a new wife, a stranger that somebody else imposes me. Please, try to be understanding, you are the adult. And tell her father to spend more quality time with her, to reassure her of his unconditioned love for her. Kids don't know how to react to these kind of feelings, when their family breaks down the do feel lonely and confused. They feel jealous of the new person come in their life to steal the love of either one of their parents.So just give her what she is clearly asking for: she'll calm down.
You need to let her father deal with it regarding punishment/consequences for her actions. You are the step-parent and she probably feels threatened by you. Let her dad do the discipline piece of the parenting and you need to "win" her over if you and her ever want to get along in the future.
I would explain to the teacher exactly what you just told us. You were waiting for the money to be due until you wrote the check and you apologize for any other story your daughter told her.
I would give your daughter a warning that if she is to ever pull a stunt like that again she will never go on another field trip.
I dont think she should be allowed to go on the trip.To teach her that you can not lie to get your own way.I would also take away her favorite things (tv,toys...ext)so she can see what it really feels like not to be able to afford things.
Invite the teacher over for dessert. Have your daughter tell her in the privacy of your home that she made that up and what the truth was. Explain to the teacher ahead of time that you are having issues with your daughter and that you'd appreciate her taking time out of her day to come to your home and join them to nip this in the bud. T. K.
The lie needs to be dealt with and quickly. I personally think taking the field trip away is a perfectly appropriate punishment, but if your hubby doesn't agree, then at least agree on some form of punishment, letting her walk away from this will only open the door for more lies later. Lying is one of the worst habits to let a kid start, because as they get older, esp during the teen years, a lie can be a terrible thing and end up with horrible consequences, ie they about where they are and end up in a situation they can't control. Obviously that is a long way away from your 9 yo, but I am just saying you can't let this slide now. Another punishment that may be effective is to make her go to the teacher and tell her that she lied and what the truth was.
