Abandoning Your Own Children

She is the biological mother of the children. Therefore she is called the mother of the children. What should the children call her? She is their mother whether she is caring for them or not. I guess they could call her an ovum donor.

Just throwing this out there....a woman who allows a man to have primary custody is not abandoning her child any more than a man who has visitation rather than custody has abandoned his child. Now not seeing them for a year...that is where the abandonment comes in.

I've heard the saying, "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad." The same can be said for mothers and Moms.

So you posted on FB, who cares, I guess ig the family member cared what people thought of her she would be working on earning the tilte of "mother" by not being off partying and being there to raise her kids. If she was old enough to spread the legs and get pregnant she should have been old enough to know what being a mom is about. I cannot understand how someone could go a year without wanting to see their kids, yes I call that abandonment. I had a family member who was having a hard time, she sent her kids to live with ther ex husband while she got her self to a good place in life, she spent the time working on herself, not out partying, and she flew out to see her kids as well as had her kids come to see her on their vacations, she now is happy, healthy has a great job and has her kids back with her. SHE is a good mother, SHE put her kids first by sending them to their dad and getting herself where she needed to be physically and emotionally. The woman you are describing is just plain selfish, let's just hope she isnt off having another kid so somewhere.

I think both you and your mother are right.

~Why would you post something like this on FB though? That I do NOT agree with. Very immature, IMO to blast someone like that on FB...just b/c it was bugging you?

She IS and ALWAYS will be the Mother to those kids, regardless of whether or not she is taking care of them. You being upset by the fact that she wants to still be called or acknowledged as a 'Mother' is something I do not understand.

Unless you have walked a mile in her shoes....

I believe that if your family member is more interested in partying, she did the right thing by allowing the father's to raise the children. By the way, you don't "abandon" your children when you leave them with their father. That is not abandonment.

Sure, she is not the person you are nor the person most people who strive to be like, but she is who she is and she did what is best for her children. She looked at herself honestly and made a very tough decision. She is their mother whether you like it or agree with it or not.

Practice patience, tolerance and acceptance.

this scenario is heartbreaking, but I think the least of the concerns is what to call her. She may be many things, perhaps and alcoholic, unfit mother, but I don't think its up to you to change her title. If her children start referring to her by her name then follow suit. Slamming her could only further damage the children.

Is she selfish? Of course. But may I play devil's advocate for a moment: Single moms are much more common than single dads. There are plenty of part time dads out there who get to party and do whatever they want while still being called dad. Society just accepts this. Are you mad at them too?

She realized she wasn't ready to take care of them. At least she left them with the fathers instead of killing them or leaving them in a parking lot like what usally happens. Maybe she will get her life on track but right now isn't the time. Maybe instead of judging her help guide her. I certainly wouldn't be posting her business all over Facebook for her family to see, that's pretty low on your part sorry.

Two of our children, my oldest son and step-daughter, have been abandoned by a biological parent. My son's birth father left before he was born and just contacted me recently for the first time in almost 15 years. My SD's mother allowed her to move in with us "temporarily" so that she could start school in our town while her mom looked for an apartment and then her mother moved out of state instead. Nice. SD was 13 at the time and has been in our custody for 18 months and has seen her mother once in 18 months although she lives 45 minutes away and drives by our town every day.

Because my son had no contact with his birth father, my husband eventually became Dad. His birth father is exactly that and nothing more. My SD's mother clearly had a larger role in her life and even though she doesn't contact SD, we still refer to her as her mother and I am the step mother (she actually just calls me by my first name). It'll be up to her whether or not she continues to call her mother "Mom" or whatever. I do find it obnoxious that her mother will post these stupid things on facebook (you know, those dopey signs and pictures that people share) about motherhood and how precious children are yet she can't be bothered to pick up the phone or send a text. She has two other children who live with their father (not my husband) and she doesn't see them either.

I guess at the end of the day, it's better for someone to recognize his or her limits and put their children in the hands and hearts and homes of those who can actually parent, vs. doing a lousy job of it but not giving up custody and instead leaving the children to be neglected and abused. These are sad situations for all involved and at the end of the day, I am glad that I have all of my babies in my house and have been able to make a nice home for someone else's child as well.

As I don't agree with what she has done, it was good she gave them up if she wasn't able to care for them instead of doing them more harm then good. So...even though you don't agree with her and it bothers you that she hasn't seen her kids in over a year...that is something that she will ALWAYS live with. She may not realize it now - but if things continue this way and she continues to not spend time with them - they will probably not have a relationship with her...and ultimately she will be the only one responsible for that. Her day will come .

Of course...she is immature and selfish. I'm just glad SHE is not raising them. I think someone can be literally a mother, while not being technically a mother. She literally gave birth to children, so she is a mother. She does not raise them, so she does not act like a mother. If the children choose to call her "mom," then this is a moot point.

You really shouldn't be posting family situations on facebook. It's immature and tacky.

She's their mom, in the biological sense. She's one of those people who doesn't deserve the kudos that come with doing the job, and you will never get her to see otherwise. But mother still applies in a technical sense. There are a LOT of women like that, who are pathetic mothers. I would avoid any further discussion with MIL about it as you are unlikely to get her to see your POV. Besides which, that's not an argument to have on FB. Your relative's children will see her colors one day. I just feel sorry for the fathers if MIL butts in a lot with the idea that they can't be better parents just because they are men.

That is a sad situation to hear about. I agree that a parent who neglects their responsibilities should lose some of their rights. But "mother" is a pretty technical term that means she "gave birth to."

I have to say, why would you put that on blast on fb? I agree with your MIL. Who are you to label her? I understand how you feel but why are you casting stones?

My father neglected me and I was better off for it. He knew he didn't have the skills and it was the best thing for me if he deferred to my mother. I have a great relationship with him now and know he has always tried to do his best.

Just a different perspective...

A mother gives birth to a baby. A mother adopts a baby. A step-mother takes over mothering a baby. There are great moms. There are terrible moms who beat their kids with belts. There are moms who let their husbands have custody. There are moms who lose their kids to their husbands because of injustice of the courts. And there is your family member. She fits in there with terrible mom who lets the husband have custody.

There are terrible dads who walk out on their kids too. There are terrible dads who live with their kids and terrorize them. These are all parents. They may be absent parents. They may be bad parents, but parents is the name they bear because that's what they are.

You are angry for these children and the family. You want to deny her the right to be called these kids' mother. But you don't have the right. And you shouldn't have the right. More than anything, you shouldn't talk about it around the kids. They have the right to make their own decisions about their mother without your putting anything about it in their heads.

These children will grow up one day and decide if they want to have a relationship with her. It might help them to have one. It might not. It's up to them to choose, without outside interference.

Like the prodigal son, this woman may come home. It might be too late, it might not be. You might never forgive her for her transgressions, but that's your choice and your right. It's her children's choice and right to decide whether or not to forgive her - without being pushed into it.

Dawn

It's great that she found it in herself to realize she was not giving the children the best and gave them to their fathers. It was unselfish of her to do that, in that sense.

However, I do see how you are upset. She didn't give the children up, so that she could get her life back on track with intentions of taking the children back when she was back on her feet. She left them with their father's so that she could party and have a "life" Which is extremely selfish.

As for you posting on FB, I dont think I would have done that personally. I understand you are upset, and rightfully so, but it is not your direct business. As long as the kids are being taken care of NOW, that's all that really matters right?

We can never know one's real thoughts and actions and why they do what they do. As for the title of "Mother" she did birth the children, so yes, she will Always be their "Mother" but that's all it is. A title. Not in a sense that she takes care of them as a Mother should. It's just a TITLE for her.

How do you feel about women who give their children up for adoption? Are they deserving of being called "mother?" Or does it depend on their reason for putting their child up for adoption?

You say that this mother abandoned her children, but leaving them to live with their fathers if it was a mutual decision isn't abandonment.

When parents separate and there's a custody battle, who is almost always expected to get the children the majority of the time? The mother. Who is assumed to back off and let the other parent take control? The father. We're shocked when it's the other way around and the mother allows the father to step in and take control, as if she's somehow deficit. Suppose she realizes that the father is the better parent? That doesn't make her less of a mother, although it won't earn her any parent of the year awards.

We're all allowed to identify how we choose. This is how she stays connected to her kids right now. So she's not much of a present mother. Hopefully that will change in the future. Judging her right to be called a mother is more harsh than she deserves, I think.

My two cents: there is hope for reconciliation if the abandoning parent is willing to do the hard work.

Before I was even born, my bio-dad abandoned me. (ETA: I use the term 'abandoned' because she is seriously mentally ill. No one should leave their child with a person like my mother.) In retrospect, I can understand how bad his situation must have felt for him: my mom had gotten pregnant purposely, despite their agreement to wait until they were more financially stable AND she was carrying on an affair while he was away in Vietnam. When he discovered the pregnancy, he was desperate; when he discovered the affair (thanks to the neighbor lady), he was beyond that and in despair. Mom, pregnant with me, took off with her lover and he sort of lost it and became a beach bum on Kauai for a while. (they were in Hawaii).It was really sad, and because he chose not to address the situation at the onset--paying child support and such--when my crazy mother petitioned to have my growing up dad adopt me legally, it was only natural that bio-dad's lawyer told him to let it happen. He did, and deeply regretted it. She'd emotionally blackmailed him into believing that if he played nice, he could have access to me. Not true.

I didn't see my bio-dad again, until I was 14 and needed to find him. I didn't realize I had been adopted, but discovered this when I was nine. My adoptive father is Filipino-- I didn't really notice the differences until around then.At thirteen, I found some letters bio-dad been sending my mother over the years, asking to see me, which gave me the courage to reach out, and since then, my bio-dad has been in my life. It's been a long go-round; we had the adoption reversed when I was in my twenties, and we have done a lot of talking and some counseling. We are pretty good now; I've forgiven him for making an immature mistake, and he is a good man. He does have convictions and lives by them. I really love him and I'm glad I took those first steps, despite the price I had to pay. (Unhinged mother, with her first husband seemingly back from the dead... I don't think she's ever forgiven me for bringing him back into her life, even from afar.)

All this to say that there are a lot of shades of gray regarding abandonment. To my bio-dad's credit, he did a good job of being 'dad' to his two children, my younger sisters. I love him for giving me them. Just as I love my growing-up dad for being my dad when I needed one. My mother just made everything so very hard being who she was that people took extreme actions. Neither one of these men, by the way, will ever pat themselves on the back for being 'great dads' or anything like that. They are both pretty humble. I call both of them "Dad". It's been a long road, but now that I don't have to choose which parent to love, it's much easier.

Lastly: shame the parent, shame the child. Be very careful, for the sake of the kids.

I think "mother" isn't necessarily a term you can give a definitive description to. Is a woman who knows she can't give a child the love and care it deserves any less of a mother if she makes the decision to let someone else raise her child? That would be a decision that most of us could never do, it is one of the best gifts a woman can give a child. I wouldn't say that mother isn't a mother just because she isn't raising her child herself. In your case, I would be annoyed as well to have someone claim to be proud to be a mom that hasn't parented her children in over a year but it's probably best if you don't dwell on it (or create any potential fb drama).

Well she abandoned them but still wants the title of "Mom." Because I guess she gave birth to them.
But in the sense of "duty" and responsibility she is not being... a Mom.
She is being selfish.

Many fathers do similar things each day too and I always say "if your not raising them, you're not the parents." I give exceptions to this for people who make adoption plans and place their babies as they made a choice. She sounds like she didn't do this. She wants the perks of being called a mom without actually doing the parenting.

IMO, that is an "egg donor". Just like the saying goes. anyone can father a child, but it takes a special person to be a Dad. I feel the same about Mom's. Mothers are the ones who are THERE. I am probably a bit biased on this subject, because I am raising my nephew and niece, both who were abandoned by their biological "egg donor" They have very limited contact with their biological Father. I can't think of ANYTHING that would ever keep me from my kids. I would walk through fire, oer mountains, and take a bullet for all of them, including the 2 youngest. Biology means nothing. All 4 of my kids are MY KIDS. I am their MOTHER. My husband is their FATHER. Actuually, he is the man they call DADDY. :) I will never understand what it takes to walk away from the lives that you created, without warning, and no regrets. I DO however, understand people who have a child and LOVINGLY decide to put that child up for adoption because they know that at that time in their life they would not be the best choice to be the baby's parent for whatever reason. I get that. It's a loving and unselfish thing to do. That is not the same as just walking away from a child that you already have, who knows you and expects yuo to come back from wherever you went. So sad. (my kids were at daycare)

My boyfriend's sister is the same, she leaves her 3 youngest daughters at home under care of her 17 year old daughterand she stays with the boyfriend 2 hours away because of "work" and doesn't bother to come home and when she does she drags along her bf and locks herself in the room with him. The smallest daughter has even caught them having sex and the mother argues shes a great parent because she pays the bills but doesn't bother staying at home like she should instead she plans weekends in vegas and takes off with her bf! It makes me so mad that she expects affection from her daughters when she's never there for them.

if she is not a part of their life, if she does not at least visit with them and show them love on a regular basis, then she is not a mother. She may be the woman who gave birth to them but that is it. It takes a lot more to be a mother.

I asked a similar question when we had that happen in TWO couples we knew--and now we know of a third instance. Baffles the mind. Especially if no addiction is involved (which sounds like it may be involved in your case)

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/2827391219578109953
Got some insightful responses if you want to read them.

I don't get it. I would have to be hog tied and dragged away from my kid.
And I don't care what anyone says--it IS different when the mother leaves.

I agree with you. While giving the children to their fathers likely was the best thing, she should be humble about it - not saying she's so proud to be a mom. I think that's what's bugging you and I get it. Only thing you can do though is limit contact as much as possible and if she says it in front of you, make a snide comment. Won't do any good but might make you feel better. And remember, she's fooling no one. Maybe she's fooling herself but like someone said, her day will come.