About the Cruise

I would be offended that my mother offered to take my child on a cruise but not take me on a cruise, however, I would never deny my child the opportunity to do something great just because I don't get to do it too. That sounds pretty selfish. I have always wanted to go on a cruise (ever since I was a child) but I have never wanted to go to Disneyland. I certainly would not want to take my kids or grandkids someplace I wouldn't enjoy. Everyone can enjoy a cruise, but a theme park?

I think that you have about 10 or 15 years before you need to worry about this. And bottom line is your child can't go anywhere without you agreeing. Especially something like a cruise.

ETA: C., I'm adding this after seeing your update. You're free to handle this however you like, of course, but I truly believe you will have better success and less drama if you DON'T ask your mom about these plans now. Don't bring it up, and if she does, just say, "that's a long way out, mom" and drop it. This is seems like a hot-button issue between you, but it's not anything that can happen for many, many years in the future and only with your consent (while daughter is a minor). So, why give this topic a life of its own now? Why put conditions on an event that is SO far in the future?
And, as others have said, 10-15 years in the future, you may WELCOME grandma taking her on a cruise.

I really think you'd be better served to pick up some books on parenting and child development---I'm not judging you---just offering the suggestion because the more you KNOW about these topics, the more confident you'll feel when dealing with your mom on the topic of parenting your daughter. She's kind of got the advantage because she's been a parent for so long. If you learn all that you can, when it comes to issues where she's over-stepping, you can deal with your mom from a place of knowledge and confidence.
I think some other posters gave some suggestions for books on boundaries, and that would be great, too.

One great tidbit of parenting advice you'll hear on this board is "Pick your battles." This applies to dealing with our parents, too. So, to keep yourself sane, don't set the stage for a battle over something so far in the future.

Instead, be clear about what your boundaries are with your mom and do so from a position of confidence, not defensiveness. It will work out so much better for you.

----------------------------------------
This is just one snapshot of your life, but just from reading this, I get the feeling that your mom seems a bit controlling and disrespectful of your role as the mother.

As "nice" as it is for grandma to OFFER to take your child on a cruise, she seems instead to be TELLING you that she's going to do that. That seems like a big warning flag that she feels completely comfortable over-stepping boundaries.

I've known grandparents to take their grandchildren on cruises to celebrate graduations, bar/bat mitzvahs, things like that. But in these cases, the children were much older. At just 5 months old, your child is much too young to even be considering this.

Who knows? Maybe she's just fantasizing about the future. No real harm in that. No need to fight with her about this, and you can tell her that the baby is much too young for even considering this now and leave it at that.

In the course of everyday events, make it a habit to be clear about what your boundaries are so that grandma doesn't get used to taking control from the beginning of your child's life.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

J. F.

Please read the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.

Your mom will not be taking your daughter on a cruise without a birth certificate or a passport, so make sure you don't hand her those items. Otherwise don't worry.

When anyone tries to undermine me with my kids, they don't get to see them as frequently.

Stand your ground mama. This is your baby. I'm not saying to be rude, or a jerk, but all of these decisions are YOURS to make.

I'm sorry but I just never heard of giving birth referred to as 'So when my little came out of me'.
You're a parent now with an infant less than a year old.
Your Mom can have some fantasies but when it comes to your kid - you have the last word.
You can say 'yes' or 'no' or 'Hell no' or 'we'll just have to wait and see - my baby is not even out of diapers yet and I'm not ready to think that far ahead yet'.

If your mother doesn't have custody she cannot take her without your permission. to do so would be a crime. remember she said with your permission. And it's unlikely to happen anytime soon. I wonder why you're taking a comment made lightly in your own description, so seriously.

You mention a teenage adoption. Does that mean you were a teen when you were adopted. When you say mom do you mean your adoptive mom or your birth mom? If she's your birth mom she has no legal standing to be involved with your daughter. If mom is your adoptive mom I can understand your fear. I adopted my daughter when she was 7. She's now 34 and there are still times she gets scared and is unable to trust. She was a young mother. She asked me care for her baby which i did. Then she started believing i was trying to take her away from her. I loved having my granddaughter with me and was not trying to take away. Fortunately both of us had lots of therapy. I urge you to get help for your fear so that you can be able to live a happy life.

Unless you haven't told the whole story I suggest your mom will not take your daughter on a cruise without your permission.

My kids would not go on a cruise without me either.

This reminds me of my MIL, she had some boundaries issues at first too. I'll never forget when my first child was about one or two, my MIL went to some tropical place and brought back a beach bag for my daughter (a BABY), and it had this whole sentimental note inside about how someday she would take my daughter on a get-away there, etc etc... um, yeah... I didn't keep the note, it was just so weird to me (I still have the bag though, turns out it is quite handy!) At the time I was thinking "yeah right, I will not be sending my daughter away on any amazing vacations without ME".

Fast forward 8 years and 3 kids later and I am like "hey... MIL, remember when you promised to take my kids away on a loooong far away vacation... any time works for me... like next week maybe?"

LOL I am just saying don't worry about it now. It's obviously not a reality at this time. As she grows opinions will change. And often circumstances as well.

OH also, I remember her saying we should let her and my FIL know the first time we take our daughter to Disneyland because she planned to BE THERE. (we did not). Guess what we got them this Christmas... Disney gift cards... pretty much begging them to please take our kids to Disneyland for us. Ah how things can change.

Guess it depends on what age she is talking about. I went on a carribean cruise with my grandmother when I was 20. THE BEST TIME EVER!! I slept about 3-4 hours the whole 4 days I was on the cruise. Danced in the Bahamas, gambled, drank Diet Cokes, met tons of people, just had a great time. I did hang out with my grandma a bit (she paid), but I found myself just basking in being away from my family.
You feel like this because your child is only 1. You are still in the new mom faze. When she is a snarky teen you may change your mind.
L.

She's not planning on taking a newborn on a cruise. You have plenty of time for your child to grow up enough where she'd be old enough to go. Plus there are very strict laws regarding passports and custody and permission for anyone other than parents taking kids on cruises.

I think you are overreacting to some extent because I'd be completely pissed off that she never took ME on a cruise and tell her if I don't get to go kiddo doesn't get to go.

But as for kiddo going on a cruise with grandma...I don't see anything wrong with that if kiddo is old enough.

In a perfect world, mom would pay for both if you weren't comfortable with her going alone. Granted, I wouldn't want just one of my parents on a cruise having to run after a 2 year old due to their age, but I was much more comfortable when my son was older and could communicate better. He's gone on vacation to Florida with both of my parents, to Virginia with my mom, and to India twice with my dad.

Do you trust your mom? Is going to Disneyland really so much different than a cruise? Honestly, on a cruise, there are child care programs that would give your mom a break. If you want to go the paranoid route, if your daughter goes missing on a cruise, she'd be on the boat somewhere, much easier to find. Whereas at Disneyland, someone could grab her and be gone and be much harder to track down.

I used to spend a lot of time with my grandparents when I was younger and those are great memories. My granddad just died a couple of weeks ago and I'm glad I got to spend that time with them when I was younger since I don't have the time to do that now. I want to give my child that opportunity too with his grandparents and I'm happy to let them give him more experiences than I would be able to do on my own.

I went on a cruise with my grandmother, but it was for my college graduation and I was 21.

This looked like an interesting question, judging from the responses. But by the time I got to it, you had erased your question. I think that's a shame. Maybe you didn't get the answers you wanted??? Why wouldn't you leave your question up for others to read? If you had additional comments or clarifications, you could have left them in the SWH section. You might think about that if you want to post future questions - people will be less likely to answer you if they think it's a waste of time and you will just delete the original post. Something to consider.