My 5yr old daughter seems to have become "best friends" with another girl in her class who does things like tell her she won't be her friend if she plays with certain other girls. Doesn't talk to her for a whole day etc. The two are inseparable at recess there is kind of a clique there. We have talked with her about being nice and playing with everyone. The teacher is aware of everything and tries to keep them separated during class. Any thoughts on what we could say or do to change this behavior. The other little girl even rolls her eyes at the teacher when they are doing something she doesn't like. I don't want our daughter to pick up on these behaviors. We are planning to separate them next year as far as class rooms.
Thank you all for the great advice! It helps to know that I am on the right track. I will continue talking to her, having play dates with other girls. I plan on purchasing the book Queen Bees and Wanna Bees today when I am out. I am hoping this summer will help also since my daughter will be going to daycare which this little girl doesn't attend. I also talked to a counselor and she mentioned that about 6wks into a new year they make new friends.
Thanks again for all the advice.
K.
The book Queen Bees and Wanna-bes is exceedingly helpful on the subject of cliques. We've had trouble too and my daughter is only 4. It's exasperating but you're definitely not alone!
J.
I think this may be normal for young girls. My daughter is 6 and continues to tell me about this or that girl who wants to leave people out. I continue to remind her that she can be a good friend by including everyone. My daughter does have a girlfrind right now who she talks about constantly and she is her "best friend". I let this go because I had a "best friend" in first grade. Luckily her friend is a sweetie and doesn't give her the silent treatment ect...yet. One thing I have learned...certain things usually phase out. It sounds like you are doing eveything you can about the situation with invioving the teacher ect. If you try to control it by having her not be friends ect..she may be the one learning it is okay to leave kids out. Good Luck.
Every class has got a little girl like this one. Next year she will pick another girl and then dump her soon enough for another. Rather than assuming that your daughter isn't being "nice", you can assume that she is being USED and will have her heart broken by this girl soon enough.
TO DO: Ask her who else she likes in the class and invite these girls over for play dates.
Both of my girls went through this and survived (20/13 years old now). Because little girls love to respond with compassion toward their friends, I told them the following:
"Girls who exclude other girls and tell you what to do, are unhappy and need compassion. They behave like this because they are feeling badly about themselves and don't know how to make really good friends.
"We have no idea why this girl is sad, but you can be her friend as long as you don't treat people the way she treats people... playing with other girls that you like is a good thing to do even if she gets mad about it.
"You may feel hurt by her some times when she is angry with you, but don't worry about it. You are a good friend to everyone you know and YOU know this. Stay true to who you are and don't believe that you need to be like her... because you are not sad are you? No."
These "clicky" girls always wind up the most unhappy girls in the grade. As they reach the teenage years they will use their status to form groups that can destroy long-time friendships and make older girls act like crazy 'mean girls'.
Don't let this opportunity pass for your daughter to separate herself from this friend on her own terms by seeing herself as different, aka: HAPPY. Your daughter is nicer, more compassionate and willing to be a friend to everyone in her class. The more you can affirm this by reminding her of it, the better she will be able to resist this little girl's charms and isolate herself from the rest of the girls in the class.
The most important thing my husband and I did in this situation with our daughter was talk to her about asserting herself and making determinations on her own (with a lot of guidance) about who is a trustworthy friend. We tried not to tell her exactly what to do or be too aggressive about it, but were very firm about demanding respect. Additionally, we tried to remain neutral about the friend. Also, when it got to the point of disrupting our daughter's school day, we addressed it with the school/teacher. We were lucky that they took the same approach as we did. Our daughter was able to express to her friend that if she (the friend) treated her a certain way,then she (our daughter) would chose not to be around her. We did have to open our daughter's eyes about the meaning of friendship etc ... This began when she was 5, and escalated this year and she is 8. I think addressing it right away would be more beneficial than changing schools or classrooms after it has gotten out of control.
I teach kindergarten and wanted you to know that this happens very often with 5/6 year old girls. (And as I found out recently with my own daughter, 4 year olds as well!) I think you have done exactly what you should do - keep talking to her about it - both the rolling the eyes/attitude issues and the clique issue. I always tell my kindergartners to "spread your friendship around" and I remind them that they have 23 friends in our class - we are all friends. I also do some role plays and discussions that relate to problems we are having. You could do this at home too...set up a situation similar to the one your daugher is in (maybe use boys' names) and have her give suggestions about what the boy could do. When my daughter is having trouble in preschool, I do this with her when we are driving. It has helped her! Good luck!
This is one of the reasons why I took my kids out and am homeschooling them. I don't know why schools think it's ok for kids to treat each other like this. I wouldn't allow another child to treat my kids like this in my home so why should they allow it in school. Then when kids get older they do things that they would never do because they STILL are trying to "fit in". Look at that news story just out about all of those kids that beat up that other girl. I'll bet that a good number of them didn't want to do it but did it because they were afraid of the consequences if they didn't. They'd be next.
I love homeschooling my kids because I'm there to supervise and they have wonderful friends at our homeschooling playgroup and being mean isn't tolerated. I was quick to notice the feelings in my daughter that I used to have as a child and it's horrible to feel left out. I was tormented as a child because I was shy, well mannered and nice so I was an easy target because I wouldn't be mean back. I would never allow my child to go through what I did.
I don't know what's wrong with parents that knowingly let their kids act like that. Where have manners and respect gone to?
Best Wishes,
J.
Mom to 5
My daughter had a friend who was like that somewhat. She didn't mind my daughter being friends with others, just not one little girl who my daughter really liked. I became aware of the situation when my daughter was having a birthday party and said "stephanie said she wouldn't come if I invited angie, but I really like angie and want her to come too." I told her to tell stephanie that you are planning on inviting both girls and if she feels she can't be there with angie, she will be missed. Needless to say it took the wind out of Stephanies sails and they both came to the party and had a good time. Maybe what you can do is teach your child it is a control issue and that she could say to her friend "I plan on being friends with so and such also. If you would like to join us, you are welcome." This way it is the other girl who can decide to be left out or not, I bet she chooses not. It also lets her know that this kind of stuff doesn't wash with others. If she chooses not to join in and gives your daughter a cold shoulder for the day, make sure your daughter knows that is a reflection on how she isn't as good of friend then one who wants the best for her. Point out how so and such doesn't get upset when she wants to play with someone else because she knows she will have fun. Taking away the power of the one friend will help your daughter realize that she doesn't need that in her life. Remember, bullies are popular kids because others think if they don't go along with them, they will have the bullying turned on to them. This is a early form of bullying.
Kelly, your daugther is going to have many "best friends" during this stage in her young life! Girls are so finicky, my sixteen year old experienced these "wishy washy" type relationships too! During those periods I monitored her behavior and not suprisingly she worked it out. We have to give our children more credit then we do. Sounds like you have a very open communicative relationship with your daughter; take advantage of every teaching opportunity to help her pick up on what you believe are inappropriate behaviors, teach about respect (which it seems like this other little girl is lacking)and above all pray.
Kelly- About your 5 year old. There sure is some issues going on at home with your daughters friend. If she is five and is telling your daughter who to hang around with and who she can be friends with and then threaten her with ruining there friendship- I think this has to do with the parenting and the household they live in. For being 5 years old- your daughters friend seems to be controlling her which isn't right.Also the discipline in your daughters friends home must not be enforced at all. All it takes is a little discipline and todays children aren't getting enough of it. You are doing right by telling your daughter to be nice to everyone and that's exactly how it should be and she should be treated the same right back- But it doesn't always work that way. Even the way you say that your daughters friend rolls her eyes at the teacher when there isn't something that she doesn't like to do- I call that kid spoiled. Keeping them seperated in school is probably a good thing so your daughter doesn't pick up these behaviors and at that age it's hard to tell them to choose other friends. If you know of a situation where your daughter is acting like her friend tell her straight out not to behave in such a manner and if it continues talk to your daughters friends parents and let them know what is going on.
Itwill be difficult to change the friends behaviors. The only thing you can do is coach your daughter in a manner that is within your values and continue to redirect.
It may be good to "shop" around for friends for your daughter. Get to know other parents with kids in her age group and try to find some that better fit your moral/behavioral ideals. Plan "parties/gatherings" etc., for the "adults" and have them bring their kids along. This way your daughter is exposed to these other kids with better behaviors and hopefully will pick up an interest in being their friend. If you are a Christian, play the "WWJD" (What Would Jesus Do) card... He would want us to be kind/nice/respectful/caring/compassionate/etc. towards others... try to impress your daughter of the importance of behaving in a manner that He would approve of (ie: being kind to other kids and not hanging out with other people who ask us/want us to do bad things - like her other friend seems to be doing). Separating them in classes is a good idea, just be prepared, there are always "bad apples" in every group, and if your daughter is drawn to this girl now, she may be drawn to others like her. Try to find out what it is that attracts her to them, and try to mould her values into something more positive.
Best wishes!
I'm sure you're already doing this but... Just keep talking to her, again and again. Encourage her to have many friends. Talk about other people's feelings. Ask how she would feel if a classmate talked to her that way or didn't want to play with her. Just keep encouraging her to be a good person. It will pass, and she'll move on. :)
Hello K. P.
It sounds like you are doing the right things. Keep talking to your daughter about being nice and playing with others. Seperating them next year might help but they ususally find each other. Also keep the teachers informed of what is going on they are a good resource.
I had this same issue with my daughter from 1st grade all the way to the beginning of 6th grade. Throughout the years I have told my daughter be nice, include others, have a good attitude, and have proper behavior. It has paid off. I see my daughter who has turned into this wonderful young girl who is a good friend to her "friend" and others! Try not to worry it will all work out in the long run. Good Luck!
M. O.
My daughter's 6 in first grade and I noticed the "clicks" back in preschool. It's horrible.
My daughter happens to be part of the "popular" click right now but wasn't back in preschool. So I've been on both sides of the fence with my daughter. It's sad and pathetic. I hate clicks.
The one thing I have tried to teach my daughter is that sometimes the best friends and kids to play with are the ones all by themselves or alone. I said the girls you play with everyday are nice one minute and rotten the next they aren't very good friends. I have told her if she approaches the girl with no friends the other girl will probaly be greatful and happy you'd have a better time with her.
The fashion part of it really hit home this year. My daughter age 6 had a adorable outfit on from gymboree it wasn't babyish at all but the girls in her class said she looked like a preschooler. You know the cool way is to dress like little sluts these days LOL..
Kids are harsh and the whole friendship thing sucks.
Have you experianced the birthday party drama yet?
That's where having a birthday party is the most important thing in the world and you have friends based on who is coming and who isn't. They plan their birthdays like a year ahead of time and constantly change who's coming and who's not. It's like a major thing for them. I love the famous "Your not coming to my birthday party"
Keep an eye on it and keep talking to your daughter.
My youngest daughter started at about 5/6 in the same kind of relationship, and by the 6th grade she was miserable because her "best friend" was a domineering, snotty brat who often turned her back on my daughter and days later would change her mind.
We ended up moving our daughter out of the private school she was in to public school where there were more children and more options and no "best friend" who thought friendship was all about control and having personal servants.
Don't let it go too long, manipulative, controlling friends aren't really friends at all.
i have a 5 yr old also. my 5 year old is a boy. we have had a few of the same problems. with him it's once he has set his mind on a friend that was the only person he wants to play with. What we did was we started inviting other kids from his class to come and play. Have you tried having her invite other friends to play. Also have you spoke with this other girls mom and let her know what is going on with your child and hers. She may be able to help. Hopefully it will work out.
You have to realize that the other girl is trying to use manipulation to control your daughter, usually because the girl is afraid that if your daughter becomes friends with someone else it would leave her alone. These behaviors are learned behaviors. I believe if you talked with the parents you would face a situation where they are inconsistent in meeting the child's needs, which leaves the child with high fears of rejection. We have taught my daughter to say "I am sorry that you feel that way and when you want to be my friend again I will be here." It makes it the other child's choice whether they want to be friends or not and takes the guilt off of your child. At first you will have to keep reminding them that it is the other child's choice and not something that your child is doing. My daughter is in 7th grade and an extremely tender soul who does not want to hurt anyone. Just this week she faced this same situation again and I had to remind her what to do. A new girl had started attending her school and I encouraged my daughter to befriend her. Another friend of hers, that we have had trouble with before, decided that if my daughter was going to be the new girl's friend she was not going to speak with her. After about 4 days of giving my daughter the "silent treatment" the child finally decided to talk to my daughter again. The girl realized that my daughter was willing to be her friend but was not willing to give up her other friends to do it. My daughter made it the other child's choice. If the other girl had decided to never speak to my daughter again, my daughter felt good about the fact that she had given the other girl the choice and it was not her fault. Please start working with your daughter now, she will face these type of people all of her life (school/work/church) and unless she learns how to handle the situation she will end in middle or high school allowing a child to badger her into something she really does not want to do by making her feel bad.
Kelly, oh my goodness, you must be so frustrated!
My boy is only 2.5, but we talk about what makes a good friend a lot. I ask him to tell me stories from his day- and he tells me so and so chased me with a doll and hit me with it. I respond with intense emotion and say- That is awful, how did that make you feel. And then I support him sharing his emotion, as well as being confident in his emotion and using his own critical thinking to make his own discernment. I say- That's not what good friends do! in a very confident and compassionate tone... and we talk about what a true friend would do. We also talk about how to avoid that person, tell a teacher and stand up for himself.
I was watching Oprah once and they talked about not talking to your kids directly when pertaining to emotions- because it's too intense. Doing it while you're shopping, or coloring, or playing dolls. We do a lot of talking through my son's favorite stuffed animal, boy that bunny really has a lot on his chest.
Good Luck- teaching your kids how to pick out their own friends is a worthy task! stick with it and follow your gut!
You certainly don't want your daughter to pick up these habits, but don't worry too much about it. It's really common for kids that age to say things like "I won't be your friend if . . ." I'm sure you are telling and showing your daughter about the right behaviors, so she'll learn from you. You are her most influential model. Encourage play dates with kids from families that you feel you have similar views with and also encourage play dates at your house so you can see how the kids play together.
G
I don't know if you do play dates or not, but one way would be to not invite the one girl over as much or at all and invite some of the other gilrs over instead. Try to encourage her to play with the other girls as much as possible. It sounds like that one girl has behavior that you wouldn't want your daughter exposed to, so expose her as little as possible and hopefully she'll find a friend that is a little nicer.
Good Luck
I can guarantee you that she won't be "Best Friends" with that girl probably next year or even next week. Girls change friends as much as we change our underwear - it doesn't change either with the clicks. My daughter is 11 and they are always fighting back and forth and every day someone is mad at someone. It's very frustrating but part of growing up and they don't value what a "true friend" is until later in life so there isn't really much you can do about the behavior - keep them separated as much as possible if you don't want her picking up the behaviors but talk to your daughter about your values and morals and behaviors and hopefully she will choose yours instead of her friend's. A big part of it is how you raise your children but at the age of 5, they have a lot to learn about friendship and including others in the group and treating everyone with respect. Hang in there!!
I've read about this in a magazine and I applaud you for not telling your daughter that she can't be friends with this other girl. From what I read, that would just want her to be friends with her more. What the article suggested was setting up play dates with other children so that she can develop close ties with other children and eventually she may decide to stop being friends with the other girl on her own. I think also that putting her in a different class room next year would also be wise. Good luck!
Maybe you already covered this when you talked to your daughter about playing nice, but if not, try asking her to put herself in the shoes of the children who are being shunned or the teacher who is being disrespected. I found my kids very responsive and empathatic when I have used this approach.
iDEA #1
I suggest if the teacher does not get thru to the other child and sounds like parents also that you ask for a parent teacher conference with the teacher and principal.
State your concerns and tell them if this bhavior is allowed( really a form of bullyingism and control and ABUSE)you will request your child be transfered at their expense to another school.
iDEA #2
Ask for a anger issue manager to sit down with the children seperately and see what they suggest.
idea 3
Go to the school board and state your case.
Idea 4
Approach the parents of the child and ask to talk to them with a mutual person and in a mutal area.
Idea 4
Ask your local police station if this child and or parents has ever had any issues with this before or any thing you need to be aware of.
For this can lead to threats against your child and volience etc if allowed to go on and maybe worse then you know now.
And if it is happening now then it probaly happened before .
Even have the parnets checked out .
For they allow this to happen and also the child had to of learned it from some where.
Idea 5
With adult support have the children stand up to the bully
and say "no More>"
I did this with my one child and five then there was 20 then over 70 in the school that came up and over the hill in support.
I hope these ideas help.
Please do some thing.
I hope the child gets help before we hear of a school voilence issue on tv with this child.
Please tell your child to stay away from this person also.
No real friend controls and owns you tell her.
And if your child gets use to this there maybe issues of this type all the childs life and you do not need that.
From a parent that has been there.
My daughter is 11 and goes threw the same "Im not gonna be your friend", and once in a while her friends wont talk or play with her for an entire day. I also talked to her teacher about these issues and she said that it is normal behavior for girls. I realize that it is messed up and it hurts my girls feelings badly. I just tell her to treat others as she wants to be treated and that some people need to hurt other people to feel better. Its wrong what they do but stay true to herself and things will work out.
Girls are the worst when it comes to this. We remind our kids regularly that it doesn't feel good to be left out, and that God is unhappy when we exclude others, especially to make ourselves feel good or gain favor with someone at another's expense. The best way to combat this is to make sure that we as parents aren't doing the same thing in small ways at home or work. If we model right behavior and impress upon our children the importance of acceptance and respect, they will pick it up. Any show of disrespect in my children meets with a swift and firm consequence. There will always be other people who model the bad - we must insist upon the good and pray for our children to develop compassion and mercy, acceptance and forgiveness. We must also model these as well as talk about them always with our children. Separating the girls might be a good idea for next year, but don't be fooled into thinking the problem is gone. Another opportunity to misbehave will present itself and peer pressure is strong. It has to be actively fought. Have you considered homeschooling?
Homeschool SAHM of seven, three girls and four boys
K., I am in the same situation with my 6 yo dd. Her best friend is not the greatest friend and I don't really like their relationship. Their teacher is aware of this and does try to keep them apart at school at times, but that is hard to do all the time. I talked to my dd about the things I didn't like about this child and talked to her about what makes a good friend. She understands, but still wants to play with her. I encourage her to play with a wide range of children and arrange play dates with other kids from school. It is tough! Good luck.
S.
