Advice on a Good Marriage.

I am going to get all biblical on you so if you are anti that sort of stuff sorry but it is my all time fav quote about marriage:

Proverbs 14:4
Without oxen a stable stays clean, but you need a strong ox for a large harvest.

Meaning we love the positives and the help the oxen give us, but all oxen make poo. That is marriage. All marriages have marriage poo, now if all there ever is is poo you have some problems but even if you are doing everything 100% right, you will still have poo.

I always feel more connected to DH when we're regularly having sex. For us, that's 1x/week.
If we miss that mark for some reason, I start to feel more distant. So that's my trick.
Even if it's the last thing in the world I want to do. Even if I'm exhausted or sick. I initiate it if he doens't, or go along with it if he does.
It instantly pulls me back to him.

We were also good friends before we started dating/married. So I personally think that also helps immensely. When everything else goes out the window, you have to be friends with the person you're with.

#1 Respect him. If you give him the respect and admiration he craves he will walk on water to make you happy.
#2 Tell him what you want. Exactly what you want. Don't give hints, chances are he won't figure it out.
#3 Relax and try to see yourself through his eyes. Doesn't matter if you see yourself as fat and gross, he sees you and beautiful and sexy, so act that way.
#4 Recognize that its okay not to feel close all the time. Every "perfect" marriage has not-so-perfect days.

Well, it's hard to give advice to a pregnant lady! ;) It's just that your emotions, reactions, thoughts, etc are all magnified right now b/c of your hormones and stress level. I recommend that you get out of the house, away from husband and kids for a few hours. Do something to make yourself feel better...get a pedicure, a massage, hair cut...something! You could even buy a sassy outfit, even if it is maternity wear! If you feel good, and NOT fat and gross, everything else will come easier.

I think it's really hard on the husbands too when we're pregnant. I recently had a discussion about it with my hubby and I was a bit surprised to hear all the anxieties he had that he never dared discuss with me b/c of my volitile state! LOL! It's funny now, but it was oh so true then! It's in a man's nature to protect and provide and even though he might not express it he is probably worried, stressed, or at least conscious of the new life you're brining into the world and your house!

I think it will get better. When the baby is born. And probably when the baby is 6 months old...until then, things are rocky is every marriage I know...everyone is sleep deprived and cranky, but try and hold out hope for the future and until then fake it til ya make it!

"Im pregnant and I just feel fat and gross. We are not intimate very often anymore because of it."

Why are you holding him hostage and making him pay because of how you feel about yourself? Why is it so important for him to understand where you are coming from but not just as important for you to understand where he is coming from? He still finds you sexy and desireable. Isn't that important?

I would begin by counting my blessings. What things do you like/love about your husband? What one thing do you find sexy about yourself? You do need to actively find one thing no matter how small and then concentrate and play up that one thing.

Guard your thought life. Watch how and what you are thinking and when negative thoughts come across your mind replace them with positive ones.

And follow every step JoAnn C. gave you and watch the change which will begin with you. Congratulations on your marriage, family and pregnancy.

Two good reads that have helped me to better understand my hubby's needs: Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage & Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura and sex as often as you can always makes everything better! Your body is beautiful and most men are even more attracted to their pregnant wife so give in, have fun and sneak in naps & rests during the day when you can so you have energy for time together at night when he gets home.

Hi Molly
Our priest gave us one piece of advise that has stuck with us and that is "be gentle with each other"
Congrats on new baby on the way
B.

You can't make it great all the time unless you accept the ups and downs. If you accept to "so so " times, then your marriage is perfect.

Still, I understand how you feel. Sometimes it is tough to find ways to re-connect. I think having a mutual hobby or some married couple friends that you go out with helps. It opens you up to conversations and helps you connect.

NOBODY'S marriage is perfect and anyone who says theirs is, is lying. Period.

You didn't say in your post whether you are the one not interested in sex, or him. You used a blanket statement basically saying, "I'm pregnant and therefore gross looking so we don't have sex", but you left us without the remaining inportant info! I feel like there are 2 very different pieces of advice I would give you based on which one of those 2 differences is the truth, but no matter who is the one not particularly interested in sex, my answer would NEVER be for you to suck it up & have sex even if you don't want to. I am always blown away when women give other women this as a tip because I feel like it takes away any ounce of self-respect you had by going against what your body is telling you to do simply for the sake of pleasing your husband physically, but to each their own I suppose.

The sex issue aside, being close to me means you actually have conversations with each other aside from bills and the kids. It means you laugh & play together, hold hands when you're watching TV & do little things for each other like getting the coffee pot ready for him the night before when he has to get up early the next morning & you don't (or whatever works for you guys). Play a game after the kids go to bed one night, or watch a movie you guys went to see in the theatre back before you had kids at all. Basically, you need to be each other's friend & show your appreciation of each other. That can be done in any number of ways outside the bedroom.

Most of all you need to know that all relationships have their ups & downs & nobody gets along perfectly every minute of every day. It's part of being grown-ups and having your own individual personalities, but it doesn't mean you don't have a great marriage.

If you want it to be better, make it better. To do that, you need to figure out what's keeping you apart. It sounds like sex is an issue right now b/c of the way you feel. Sometimes you just have to "fake it 'til you make it"... meaning have sex with him once in a while even when you don't want to! He probably takes out the trash and shovels the driveway when he doesn't want to!

Many times you need to change your actions and your feelings will follow closely behind. If you want to know where he's coming from, ask him. Once in a while I will ask my husband how we're doing. At first, he would answer "fine" and move on. Eventually (after probing forever and telling him why I was asking), he started answering honestly.

We're not perfect- far from it (like most people), but we enjoy eachother's company. To me, that's about as close as we can get!

Try to reconnect -- do some date nights and have fun. I am in the same boat (prego with #3, due in May, and the other 2 are under 4). We try to go out a few nights a month (though sometimes I am just exhausted) -- see a movie, do dinner, just go have hot cocoa and talk, or order pizza in and spend time together. Even if it is just us laying on the couch together with him holding me. Some days are harder than others -- and if I don't get my workouts in, I am an even bigger emotional grouch :P I often leave my bra and my nightie or a tanktop on to be intimate as it makes me feel less gross :) Keep in mind that he still finds you attractive, even if you are having a hard time finding yourself sexy. Don't alienate yourself from him, just try to relax and enjoy the time you have left before another little baby is disrupting your sleep at all hours...that will be the tougher times!

Best wishes!

Oh my stars....I know exactly what you are saying...My third just turned a year old.....One day DH is the best and next day enemy #1....Here's the thing you are preggie and have two other children...Hormones and frankly tired. With each one of my pregnancies we checked in with our marriage counselor because things could get pretty tense...the little and the big..Kept us accountable and better understanding of eachother's needs. Communication is the key. Listen I didn't feel like being intimate because of feeling the way you do and its normal. Please give him and yourself grace. There are couple's retreats and seminars to. My DH and I have done this and still do check-ins with our counselor....Made a world of difference especially with have #3 and we both work fulltime. Congrats on baby #3...

You are not fat and gross you are pregnant. Keep talking to him and doing things as a family. Who has it great all of the time?

Wow! You have gotten some great advice especially that from MamaMay, Kimberly F, and JoAnna C! I like the other book suggestions and the fake it until you make it comment. I've also heard great things about "The Love Dare" and "Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. There are two more but I can't think of them. I'll post again if I can remember or find them.
I totally get the feeling like blah with the hormones and the extra weight (I'm still there and mine is 3--hahahaha). But really part of it is attitude. Someone once told me if my hubby was making me mad to pray, take a deep breath, and then sashay around the house like a princess. I laughed so hard about it but it really worked!
Blessings to you with your pregnancy! Pregnant women are just beautiful!

My only advice that really helps when I am feeling disconnected is to HUG. Not just the little side hug or fake 2 second hug--- the really deep, full contact hug that takes your breath away--- taking in your husband's smell, his touch and the way he holds you and you hold him. Do this several times a week and it will make a big difference. Second thing, even if you feel gross and unattractive, have sex. Lots of it--- sex releases those happy hormones and will really help your mood and make you feel better. Lastly, compliment eachother--tell him how nice he looks or you really appreciate_________when he did __________. Communication can be just the thing you need when you feel like things aren't going so great. Congrats on your baby to be and hope this helps!~

Molly

I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It made me understand more about my husband and my family and friends as well.

I recommend reading "A Grown-Up Marriage" by Judith Viorst.

I would also realize that marriages can be great, but that doesn't mean every day is great all the time. No marriage is going to be perfect, because it's between 2 people who are not perfect themselves. You have good spells and not-so-good spells. Sometimes it's not that you don't have rough patches, but how to you handle the rough patches that come up. I have those days too, where my hubby is my best friend and the greatest guy in the world, and other times I just want him to shut up and get out of my hair. That's life. That's being human.

Adjust your expectations, and you won't be disappointed. I am not suggesting "settling" but sometimes when you can't have "perfect", you can still have "good enough."

You've received some great advice so far, so nothing I say can add to that, except give you one more book to read. It's called "The Anatomy of Peace" by the Arbinger Institute. This book and the concepts in this book literally changed my life and changed how I looked at my marriage.

To sum it up, for the most part, we are all trying our best to be the best person we can be. We need to start looking at each other with more love because we really are just doing the best we can with the circumstances we are in. When we are frustrated with each other, it's an accusation of wrongdoing, and times when we try to hide it, others still can sense it, and that frustration is an accusation against them, so they get frustrated back at us again. It's a vicious cycle. Anyway, there's a LOT more to it than that and everyone else is right that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage, but doing all you can to love each other helps get you there.

Hi Molly, no advice this time cause I think I might've freaked you out a little last time I responded to a marital question of yours, tehehe...

Just want to add
From looking at your profile pix (current and previous) even if you put 70 pounds of pregnancy on that woman, she is STILL drop dead GORGEOUS!!!

Your husband is a lucky man!

:)

Talk......talk, talk, talk to him. Get yourself a date with him! Talk about your hopes and dreams together again...... and make your plans how you will achieve them! Be a team! Figure out together how.

As far as your body pregnant. What does your husband think? If you must -turn off every light in the house so that he can't see you. Don't worry about sex, just snuggle...... see if you can feel better about yourself and move to the next level. You really are beautiful when you are pregnant.....and this has only happened 3 times in your life! Enjoy it while you are in it.

Talk, talk, talk to each other.

get rid of that word "perfect."

ooh Molly - you don't want it "perfect" all the time!!! If it's perfect all the time - you won't know the difference between a good day and a bad day. and then it will get boring!!!

CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy!! I never had the problem with losing intimacy during pregnancy...it only made my sex drive worse!! (SMILES!)....you may feel fat and gross but your husband probably sees you as sexy and that excites him.

Balance is a good thing. Standing up for yourself is a good thing too. You don't have to yell and scream.. You just need to treat him the way you want to be treated and when he doesn't call him on the carpet for it, as he should you. We all have bad days and say things in the heat of the moment.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - marriage is like a garden - it needs to be tended to daily. Is it easy? nope. is it perfect? nope. but it is what you make of it. We all get stuck in ruts. We all get irritated....

Right now you are under a lot of stress. Communication is key. If you feel yourself about ready to say something you can't EVER take back, tell him - "I'm really mad right now - before I say something I can't take back, i'm going for a walk (or whatever you do to calm down) and we can finish when I'm back." Will he like that? No. But after he has a moment to think and calm down himself, he will (or at least should) respect it and appreciate it. It takes a strong person to walk away instead of throwing barbs...

Make sure you know what your expectations are as well as his - dreams, goals, etc. and see what road you can compromise to go down together to make those dreams and goals a reality.

you will find an even keel. You will make your marriage perfect for you - as what's perfect for one will be horrible for another! :)

I can empathize with your situation. During a really rough patch in our marriage, my husband and I both read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I HIGHLY recommend this book to ALL married couples, whether you are having difficulties or not. From my personal experience, I can say that lack of communicationand understanding often leads to losing that "spark." After reading this book, we could finally understand where the other was coming from and learned how to talk to the other in a way they could understand. Even if your husband isn't interested in reading it with you, I would still recommend you read it.

I also agree with earlier post about taking time to reconnect through date nights (or days). My husband and I will often both take a vacation day during the week while our boys our in daycare and simply spend the day together doing whatever comes to us...going for a ride on our Harley, going out for breakfast or lunch, shopping or just hanging out at home...alone. We sometimes find it is easier (and cheaper) to do this during the week instead of on the weekends. We also trade babysitting with friends who also have kids. We watch their kids so they can have a night out and in return they watch our kids when we want to go out.