My father lives in another state but came to visit us today. My cousins are having a wedding in a few weeks and my father had an idea that I should invite guests to stay over for a few weeks but is aid no. Then he brings up I have plenty of room for them (a guest room with perfect bedding) and that I invite my husband's family all the time but never invite my family. Growing up, my parents always invited family over to stay for a week and we had to give up our beds. My father spoke to me like a child. He gave me eye contact and told me firmly. Here are his exact words.
"This is your family and you have to invite them. You have enough room for 8 guests and I'm only asking you to invite 4. You frequently invite your husband's family but not yours and that's not nice. I don't like that." I said to him this is my home and I'm not inviting my family and he said no, that's tot nice and I told him that again and he told me the same thing again firmly with eye contact and it went on and on. Any advice?
Have not read any of the responses but i would have said "if you would like to start paying my mortgage then i will invite people, otherwise it is my house and i will do as i please". I think its time to sit down and have a conversation about you being an adult and expect to be treated as one and will no longer accept being talked down to.
Sorry...no one tells me who I have to invite to my own home. If your father is not paying the mortgage, then he really has no say in the matter. You look him straight in the eye and say " Those plans will not work for us. This matter is not up for negotiation".
If you wouldn't normally invite these people to come stay with you, then don't invite them. Your father is more than welcome to pay for a hotel for them! I have many family members I wouldn't want staying in my home, and I don't care what anyone else says, I'm not going to have them come stay here. My house, my rules. If the extended family starts paying my mortgage, well, then I might reconsider. But until that happy day...
You're an adult. It's YOUR house and YOUR choice....if you don't want to invite people, then DON'T!!! You can invite your husband's family to LIVE with you and it would have NOTHING to do with your father!
Honestly, if my father or mother talked to me like that I would just laugh in their face! How is it any of hus business who you invite and when? Seriously, Pops needs to realize that YOU are the boss in YOUR house...not HIM!!
(sorry for all the shouty caps! lol)
You need to ask yourself are you against this because your father suggested it or because you are really adverse to having guests.
I ask because even if I was already going to do something if my mom demanded it I didn't want to do it. When I was younger I actually refused to do it but as I got older I sucked it up cause I saw it as a back door way she controlled me.
My mom and I had issues.
Anyway if it is already in your nature to have house guests then invite whoever in your family *you* want to. I understand not wanting him to control you, to demand, to treat you like a child. It is just, as I figured out, he is still controlling you if you don't do it either.
Would you usually have wanted these guests from your side of the family? If yes, give him a "I'll consider it, but I don't like how you are talking to me" answer.
If no-- and I do understand why some (husband's family) might be invited but not the other side. Some people are more pleasant than others and better company/more respectful of property/space.
You are a grown woman. This is YOUR home. He needs to respect you and not try to intimidate you or boss you around. What you and your husband choose to do is between the two of you; this is not a committee decision.
I'd also add that this is your cousin's wedding-- let them contact you if they need help with accommodations. Personally, I do understand not wanting the house packed to the rafters with people. I'm a very introverted person and having people visit even for a day or so makes me nutty, and not in a good way.
He cannot make you do anything, ever. Your home, you choice.
So did you tell him why you do have your husbands family over, but are not willing to invite Your family?
I think that is what he wants to know.
If you could have given him a reason, it would have helped him understand.
You can invite who you want to invite. Your home, your guests.
Did you turn 12 again? It sounds like he is treating you like a little kid and you, in turn, are acting like one.
It's your choice if you have family over or not. But if you think you are hurting your dad by "sticking it to him", you aren't. You're hurting your family.
Do you see them, ever? Are you close to them? Do you like them? Do you get along?
If you do, then you are cutting off your nose to spite your face by dealing with your dad like this.
You need to act more grown up when you deal with your father, no kidding.
Dawn
Your home, your rules. I only invite guests I know and want to have stay. If you like these family members and would enjoy having them, that's fine. Don't NOT invite them just to piss him off. But if there is no relationships and they are really just related strangers, then do what makes you comfortable. And your father is being a jerk. Tell him he can have them stay at his home.
disengage. speak your piece (with the same firmness and eye contact he gives you- thanks for teaching me that, dad!) and end the conversation.
i do have to wonder why you have different rules for your family and your husband's family but that's not the point.
don't let it go 'on and on.'
another time (ie when this particular bit of family drama has blown over) have a conversation with your father about how he speaks to you. that's totally not okay.
khairete
S.
I get what people are saying - you're grown and it's your house - but have you given your father a reason for allowing your husband's family to stay but not your own?... It does seem a bit odd. And my father and i have an excellent relationship but he still talks to me like I"m a child once in awhile and it doesn't really bother me. I'd still HIS child. You don't say he was yelling at you so he wasn't be abusive at all. I'm not big on guests and a week or a few weeks? No way except very immediate family but I still think you should explain it to him. I can't imagine just giving a flat no to my father if I wanted to maintain a good relationship. I don't treat friends like that...
Tell him that you love him, but your house is your house. You are grown now where he cannot command you to do what he wants. There must be some reasons why you don't want your side of the family in your house. If you do consider allowing to stay then give them a set a rules if they do not abby by them to get them out. Or have them sign a contract that indicates this is your house that they must abby what you and your husband say, if they cannot or will not show them to the nearest hotels.
Best of Luck
It's nice that you said no. Your dad still sees you as 12. It doesn't matter that you like your husband's family better none of his business.
Yes, I can relate to the extra family "moving in" for functions as a child and you "having" to give up your bed for them. It sucks big time. I even cried when an aunt could have had the guest bed but mom insisted that this aunt have my bed. Not a good memory.
It is your house and your rules. If you don't like any of your father's side then don't have them in. You didn't mention if they picked up after themselves or not. I don't run a hotel. If that is what they want then send them that way.
Speak to your dad one more time and tell him that you are not having them in your home. End of story. Hotels are sometimes cheaper than staying with family. Besides family and guests and fish all start to stink after three days.
The other S.
Bottom line its your choice but unless u have a valid reason why not u really don't have much of a reason why not.
