Advice on over Sensitive Spouse

He just needs more praise and acknowledgment than you do. It probably has a lot to do with how much he received as a child from his own parents. It probably also has a lot to do with how much he received (or didn't) from his former wife.

Try reading the book The Five Love Languages. It's awesome, and it's something both of you can read to learn to communicate and show each other better appreciation in a manner the other can recognize, understand, and accept.

http://wwnh.wordpress.com -- men explained to women. Browse the site, use the search box to find specific words, and learn.

I suggest the book The Five Love Languages!!!

I was giving my husband words of affirmation and encouragement (thank you so much for taking out the trash, it was really stinky)...and that didn't mean much to him...he needed acts of service to feel loved (me making the bed everyday and having dinner cooking when he got home).

He was giving me acts of service...and it didn't do much for me (cleaning out my car...who cares)...I need words of encouragement and affirmation (thanks honey for fixing dinner tonight it was delicious).

So once we learned each others love language...we were able to give our partner the types of "things" they needed to feel loved. Some people need physical touch (hugs, pat of the back, hand holding), some need gifts (I saw this and thought of you), some need quality time (sit next to me while we watch tv or lets have a cup of coffee and talk about our day).

I now love my husband the way he needs to be loved and he does the same for me and boy are we happier!!!

I don't know what would be worse, a husband who never helped out or one that did and then held you emotionally hostage for doing so.. If I were you next time he asks if you need help say "no" if he asks why you don't ask him for help then be honest and tell him "because every time you help me out it's like you're keeping score then you tell me I don't appreciate it. I do appreciate it and apparently that's not coming through so from now on I will try to do as much as I can on my own so as to not make you feel unappreciated and hurt your feelings." Yeah, I'm a passive aggressive b*tch but he's acting like a little kid... lol. Good luck.

Oh Brother! I thought I had written your post in my sleep and just didn't know it! You've described the first 10 or 15 years of my marriage. My husband appeared so self-assured, ambitious, smart, so I was totally unprepared for his insecurities. He was from a large family with no affirmation from his parents. He constantly "blew his own horn" relating what he had accomplished and giving no recognition to my contributions, sometimes even belittling me. He also became pouty and petulant any time my sisters were visiting---both of which lived about 4 hours away. We saw each other only on major holidays. My family could do nothing right, while his family members were perfect. Living in our home town, we were constantly surrounded by them.
I struggled with these issues until we moved a 1000 miles away. I was set free from family and he was miserable. But we had 3 children, he had a wonderful job, and we managed to get through it. After 47 years of marriage, I can see how we both lacked maturity, but more than that, how much our previous family dynamics came into play when we married. I finally accepted the fact he needed constant affirmation, and didn't know how to give it to me. He still doesn't know how. You can try to communicate your feelings to your husband, but that never worked in my case. (I tried counseling, but he wouldn't go after the first session)My husband gets extremely defensive and feels I'm attacking him. He can't stand it. If I were 25 yrs old, living by today's standards, we'd probably be divorcing, but I chose to take the high road and trust God to "supply my every need." I know every man "out there" has issues. I chose to stay with the trouble I knew rather than tackle that unknown, which could be much worse. My husband has provided very well for us and my life hasn't been bad even though we've gone through our dark valleys. All marriages do. Our children, totally aware of all this, are thankful we stayed together and made the best of what we had. Anything worthwhile takes work. Marriage most of all.

What is it about some guys who think that as soon as you become a wife and mom that, that is your new title in life? I think sometimes they forget that you are an individual and need to have your own interests and hobbies too.

I think it's time for you to sit down and hash it all out. Seriously make a list, or write a letter about what is bothering you. Have him do the same, and sit down and talk about it.

I would tell him that you do appreciate it when he stays home with the kids and the things he does, honestly, but he is also an adult and shouldn't need constant atta boys. Ask him if he would want to do the same thing for you. Does he want to be going. Oh I am so glad you went grocery shopping thanks so much! Oh you made dinner AGAIN tonight?! That's the 655th time in a row, your the best wife ever! You got the kids to school? Wow good job! See it gets tiresome. Maybe then he will understand.

My recommendation is to set up a date night, where neither of you are allowed to discuss kids or family. This would help you reconnect over the things that brought you together in the first place. Even if it's just a dinner out once a month or every two months, it might help.

My husband has done this. We've been round and round about it, too. In addition, my husband whines and complains and slams things when I ask him to handle something around the house. In his mind, he's doing what I asked, so what does it matter his attitude while doing it?

We've had lots of fights, lots of talks, and I'm sure there will be another one in the next couple of months (though, things are going wonderfully right now!). It's something I've come to accept as "our issue." It will likely be our issue for the rest of our lives. As long as we don't become resentful and we continue to discuss it (calm or angry... doesn't really matter in our relationship) I think we'll muddle through.

However, I have found that when he gets pouty that I'm not giving him enough appreciation for taking care of basic thing that I normally do every day, I take his role for a while to see how he likes it...

"Honey, I did the dishes..."
"Honey, I bathed our daughter and put her to bed again tonight."
"Honey, I emptied the dishwasher this evening."
"Honey, I picked up the groceries we needed, and I got a little something extra for you..."
"Honey, I knew you were running low on beer, so I picked some up last time I was at the store."
Etc, etc, etc.

It doesn't normally take him long to get the picture and stop alerting me every time he picks up his own glass.

He normally thinks we're at least equal in our contributions to the household, even though (at the moment) I'm bringing in more income and doing 80-90% of the household duties each night. When I remind him of everything I do regularly, and make sure to point out the "extras" I try to do for him alone, he seems to get that he needs to keep his moaning to himself.

Least helpful answer here, but it reminds me of the Jeff Foxworthy joke about the wife working an 80 hour week, taking the kids to and from school, steam cleaning the carpets, etc, etc, etc. But the man will still come in and say "Honey, don't worry about picking up that cigarette butt that was in the driveway.... I got it. You can thank me later."

Find a good Marriage and Family Therapist and go to counseling together. It sounds like you two are just missing the boat on each other and neither of you have a good perspective about where the other comes from. No one is right or wrong here. It's about communicating and understanding each other so you can give each other what you both need.

Good luck!

Aaah! All husbands are like that! This is ditto what happens in my house! Goes by the old adage "Girls grow up to be women and boys grow up to be bigger boys" LOL!
Seems I should read the Five Love languages too! Sorry you got no helping answer from me here :(

I second the recommendation to read The Five Love Languages; that is the first thing I thought of when reading your question. I read it because I felt like I wasn't getting what I needed from my husband, but it also gave me great insight into how we was interpreting my actions - or misinterpreting them! I truly believe these concepts can change a marriage for the very best!

It sounds to me like you have ignored this too long, understandable everyone does it, still it seems to have that edge of this needs to end as apposed to we need to talk about this. You need to get yourself back to talk about it mode, emotion wise or he will put up walls.

What I have noticed with my marriage is that we take these things from our first marriage. Like with my husband, his ex required constant knowledge of where he is. Jeez that man will report to me when he farts, at times it drives me crazy because I trust him. Still if I act like it is unimportant that he does this he feels like I don't care about him. Apparently his ex did the I trust you I just love you so much I need to know where you are every moment of the day so I don't worry.

That is the problem with this baggage, the other person has every right to say are you crazy!! Of course I love and worry about you, it is just I don't need to know where you are at all times because you are a big boy, you can take care of yourself. Thing is you have the right but it is counterproductive because they are his feelings.

I takes a while to break this down and insert how you deal with things.

Looking at your words here it looks like perhaps his ex was all over thank you soooo much for watching your own children, I really appreciate that you took time out of your day for me!! Even though you appreciate it just as much as his ex did he doesn't see it because it isn't being presented in the same manner.

Maybe with the shopping and family stuff his ex used that as a excuse and went overboard with not being around him. He may be afraid you will do the same.

One thing I have noticed about men is they don't have a clue how to explain themselves to women.

I could be wayyy the heck off here, sorry if I am. My husband is very rational and he does this, I can only assume it is normal.

I feel this is a very typical male response. It's how my husband acts, too. I basically take care of most things in the house/running the household/taking care of the kid. When he does something--say the dishes--he never fails to mention it and gets upset and pouty if I don't "thank him" for his help. If we decide ahead of time to work on a project together--like say we team up and clean a room together--then he doesn't expect to be thanked. But if he goes ahead and does something on his own, not only does he have to point it out to me--he also feels as if he needs to be thanked for doing it.

I feel this is just a guy thing--hey! Look at what I did, all by myself, and I did it without being reminded or nagged! I need to get recognition for this! LOL

He doesn't look for caregiver gratification so much now that our daughter is older (she's 11), but when she was younger and he'd do something/take her someplace for the day so that I could have time to myself, I would hear about it for a day or two and have to "thank" him that he was so considerate and thoughtful that he took the kid off my hands for a day.

Truly, I really think it's just a male thing. It used to get me upset, too--after all, who does EVERYTHING around the house and never gets a thank you? (moi)--but I've realized that if I do something really huge/big by myself--say, washed the dishes that piled up for the last 3-4 days because our lives got hectic, or I went ahead and did a thorough cleaning in the kitchen, to include washing out the fridge--and I mention it to my hubby, he'll give me a big hug and say thank you/way to go/a guy's equivalent of a high-5 or a pat on the back, as an extra "way to go" kudo. But if I don't mention that I did a huge project like that myself, he won't notice and I won't get any kudos.

You just have to learn to "speak their language" and not get upset when they don't speak like we do...or give us recognition. I sincerely believe guys don't feel comfortable doing household/childcare stuff and need some reassurance (not all guys; some guys are naturals when it comes to taking care of the house and children, but they're a small minority).

Every once in a while, you both have to acknowledge--to each other--that you each contribute, in your own way, to taking care of the children and the household.

I think that blending a family is a long process and you may need a therapist to help you all navigate it. You didn't say that he has primary custody and if so, he may view his parenting time very differently than you do. He may also not understand your closeness to your family if he is not close to his. A third party may help you find a way to communicate more effectively with each other.

I read over the responses and there is good advice in all of them. They are also funny! :) My husband is kind of like yours too. But after five years and two children, there is only so much dramatic thanking and big-deal making I can do for him when he does something that is expected of him. I try to be genuinely appreciative when he does the dishes while I bathe the children, but it usually comes out somewhat sarcastic and insincere, like: "Oh, you're such a wonderful husband for doing the dishes! Especially, since I bought the groceries and prepared the dinner for the thousandth time this year..." :) I guess I need to read "The Five Languages of Love" too... :) Seriously, I think couples counseling would help, if your hubby is willing to go. I suggested counseling to my husband and he flat-out refused. So now, he has to deal with my sarcastic and insincere "thank you's"!

Find the Book The Five Love languages. You have service and he has encouragement. I am there been dealing with it for 15 years. You show love to others by doing things for them. he shows love with words of encouragement. It can be very frustrating, but you can learn to live with it. The read is worth it in the end!

There are two excellent books on this topic I'd like to suggest:

The first is called "Love and Respect." It outlines that men and women have different needs in a relationship. Your husband seems needy because he wants very much to feel respected for what he does. You don't need the same responses that he does because you do those things out of love and for love. Here's the link to that book: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Ne...

The second book is The 5 Love Languages. This book delves even deeper into what you both need from one another (and what your kids need as well). It will help you to learn how to make your husband feel the most loved. And if you give it to him, it will help him to learn what YOU need most to feel loved. It's a FANTASTIC book and I recommend it to anyone who is in a committed relationship or not...because understanding what others need is so helpful throughout life. Here's the link to the second book: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp...

All the best!

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