Well....that Was Awkward

My hubby and I have a lot of issues because we are very different types of people. He is one of those who are very private too. I am pretty much not allowed to mention him at all.

I am one of those who tells everything I know and everything I suspect...lol. It has caused a lot of friction.

I would assume that he is trying to let you guy know he is really trying. IF they split up he wants you to know he was really trying. I think he may even be looking for some of that "Good job" stuff because he feels all alone.

Some people need to have outside confirmation that they are doing "good" does he typically need to hear good job from people?

well, that IS awkward!!!

I would tell my sister. I would let her know that it appears her husband is committed to their marriage and trying to make amends.

If my BIL sent me texts...I would just "I'm happy for you" and keep it at that.

Best case scenario: BIL has found the true meaning of marriage, and wants to preach it loud and proud.

Worst case scenario: BIL is trying to sway the "audience" in his favor - either out of competition, revenge or to get back at Sister.

My best guess: Sister said something about how her family feels about him (for example - they all agree you're a jerk), and now he's trying to address that.

At a minimum, he misunderstands how many people are involved in a marriage.

Tell your sister. This is her dirty laundry too, and she deserves to know it's being aired.

Cynical S. says: divide & conquer....by making her family sympathetic to his efforts. He realizes he no longer has her fully, & by enlisting her family's support...he hopes he won't lose her. We went thru this with both of my sister's divorces. It's like a drowning man trying to reach for help.

Supportive S. says: he's reaching out! If your sister wants to save her marriage, then ....by all means help them. But I truly believe it's time to have a heart-to-heart with your sister. :)

& as for the not being touchy/feely.....perhaps that is part of the issues at hand. :)

Oh gosh that is awkward . . . what do you say to that?

I might be tempted to ignore it. If you answer he might keep texting. And who wants to text with her sister's husband?

That sounds so un-guy like.

It may very well be awkward, but he's looking for support.

It is most likely that his love language is "words of affirmation." Just tell him "That's great, Bob! We all want you and Jane to be happy."

If you do say anything to your sister, keep it light. Say, "Oh, hey, I heard from Bob the other day...it sounds like things are getting much better." That way, you aren't showing judgement over his messages to you one way or the other. And if she has an issue with it, she'll deal with it herself.

I really don't want what my thoughts to come out as being mean; Maybe your family is screwed up too. No one wants to acknowledge anything in your family! Your parents feel awkward with their son in law pouring his heart out and asking for forgiveness! Your sister didn't even tell you they were in counseling.

On Easter my ex BIL killed himself from holding everything in. His entire family had no idea how depressed he was. Now they are all kicking themselves wishing they were there for him.

If I were you I would encourage your BIL to do whatever it is that makes him & his marriage the best it can be. I would also try to encourage your parents to open their arms to their son in law. Think about your own family when your children get older & married. Do you want everyone to keep quiet and pretend nothing is wrong? It's sad that this is so hard for you and your family.

I agree with Dad On Purpose's comments, and would add 1 additional thing:

Tell BIL that while you are very happy that things seem to be going well, you would appreciate it if he would keep the information to himself, because your feeling is that it's his marriage, and that is a private thing not to be shared. If you know him really well & you think it's appropriate, you should also tell him that you're not sure your sister would appreciate his sharing very personal information about this, since she is a very private person. Do say it with kindness and a smile.

The next time you get a text I would simply say "I'm so glad you guys are working on your marriage, and I hope everything works out! However I feel like this is personal between my sister and you, and I don't know how comfortable she'd be that you are sharing private details. If I am privy to any info, Id be more comfortable that it come from her. But I wish you both the best!"

Please consider that this may be part of the counseling process. The counselor could be asking them to work on "making amends" not just with the spouse but with others, or to express openly their sincerity about patching things up. I would assume the best and just say with all the cheer you can muster, "I'm glad things are going better for you!" and nothing more. He needs to do this; let him. Yes, it's possible he's got a "divide and conquer" thing going on and this isn't part of what the counselor wants, but you can't know his motives or read his mind, so let it go with a distant but positive acknowledgement, in case it's for real and sincere, and it's likely he will get past this stage of confessing and communicating with everyone outside the marriage. Then you will know if things are really working on a deeper level. But don't step in and get involved between them about this.

Oh gads, not sure if this is relevant but that sounds like something my ex would do, actually he did do something similar. Of course in his case it wasn't about working through anything or any real remorse. It was his way of communicating how I wasn't trying.

I am sure it isn't the same thing but if it is look out for updates like I am trying blah blah blah and I love her so much but she isn't blah blah blah... It goes down hill from there. :(

It could very well be something the counselor suggested.

It could be that he is being encouraged to think about how many lives one marriage affects.

If he is sincere, embrace him and encourage it.

Supporting him in this new catharsis is being supportive of your sister.

It sounds to me like he is making huge headway.

It takes a lot of courage to admit your shortcomings publicly and apologize, much less to your in-laws.

Read the book, if you haven't already. Next timethrow in a few things you gleaned. I know when I've heard a great sermon or been to a great class, I'm excited to share what I learned. When people look back at me like ----uh huh, ok, whatever - well, that's embarassing and hurtful. The new thing I was so excited to share isn't the thing getting rejected, it's me. But when they are happy for me and interested and want to know more themselves, it affirms and encourages me and lets me know I'm on the right path and not a freak.

I'm afraid you guys are making him feel akward for trying and this in turn, will only hurt your sister.

HAS he been a good husband? If not, maybe take it as a sign of respect that he acknowledged that to your folks. This man may be truly trying to change for the better. Hopefully, your sister is as committed and they'll work it all out.
If he calls/texts again, why not say something like "Jim, I'm so happy you guys are fighting so hard for your marriage. Is Mary aware that you're discussing this with us? We're happy to know this is process is being successful for you, but we don't wan to be in the awkward position of being in 'the middle' so I thought I'd ask if she's OK with you being so open about it with us."
He probably wants you to know that he is involved and committed to making this marriage work and being part of the family. IMO, he's going about it in the wrong way, but it's already happened. Just state your support and check if it's "OK" with your sister. maybe he thinks she's being very open about it with you as well?

I really agree with Rebecca. Try to remember that this isn't about you and it isn't about your parents. This is about two people trying to save a marriage. Your only role in any of this is to be as loving and supportive as you possibly can be.

If your BIL is reaching out to you, your job is to assume that he is doing it for all the right reasons. He is doing the best he can with what he has. In your SWH you mentioned his family is very messed up. It sounds like he doesn't have the best support system from them, so he's turning to you and your parents. He needs you.

I know it's awkward for you and you want to be a good sister, but he really does need you. You don't have to say much, other than you're happy things are going well, you're there for him, you wish him all the best, you think it's great that he's doing this, etc. That's really all he needs.

It could be that he's realizing for the first time that he was being a breep and he is appalled at how his wife's family must have percieved him and he wants to make sure everyone understands that is over and he's going to be a good guy.

Most things like this are truly heartfelt. The question really is can he keep it up? He may feel very sincere and horrified about his past actions - but whether or not he can continue to improve h is marriage and life with his wife is uet to be seen.

I'd say just cut him some slack and give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Re-evaluate as time goes by to see if it's going to "stick".

Every single thing "Dad on Purpose" said: I say that too ;)

Well to what he said to your parents I think its great that has seen what he has done wrong and I personally think it was a great thing to do to apologize to your parents for treating their daughter poorly.

As what he is saying to you and your husband. Its great that he wants to share this happy moment with you guys. Instead of feeling awkward, you should be proud of him and your sister that they are going so good. I'm sure he is just glad and maybe proud of themselves for being able to come back to a happy place in their marriage and wants to share it with you.

Maybe he is just looking for validation or maybe he truly wants to share this break through moments with your family since it doesn't sound like he can reach out to his family. You should be honored that he feels as close to you as he apparently does if he is reaching out to you.

As for the book... when you read a good book do you recommend it to someone who you think would enjoy it? Most do... and this is all he is doing. Give it a shot and read the book.. what do you have to lose? Then maybe you will have something you can turn the conversation to instead of their private life if you don't want to hear about how good they are doing.

Personally, I think you should be happy for them instead of feeling awkward. Enjoy and except this happy time for them and be their cheerleader! Its always nice to know you have someone rooting for you.

( I'm not trying to sound mean! There is only empathy tone here)

There is also the slight possibility that he is looking toward the future, and thinking that IF things don't work out for him and his wife, he will already look like the "good guy" and may have a few of her family members on his side so to speak. Maybe not, but I tend to look at all possible perspectives in these situations since I have seen some pretty sleazy things done to others in divorce situations. As another poster said, it could also just be that he is newly "enlightened" and wants to spread the word, or he is just really, really excited, but since it is him and not his wife who is talking to you and updating you on a regular basis, I am a little more hesitant to believe he has no motive. I would say very little because it IS awkward, and I wish you the best. :)

Sometimes when people have become 'enlightened' on a subject matter or have 'seen the light' they feel very compelled to share. Maybe he's excited that he feels like he's come to a new understanding of his marriage. I would say nothing to your sister about this for fear of throwing a wrench in their marital progress. But I would keep my responses to him very non-committal, yet supportive.

I'm personally a very private person. Since I've married my husband, I've never ever mentioned an argument or disagreement that we may have had to family OR friends, unless it's in a joking manner between girlfriends when we're just generally goofing on our husbands amongst ourselves. It's my feeling that if you go to your family w/ these issues, they'll more than likely take sides (even if only internally) and I would never do that to my spouse. I'm a woman now, not a child, and I don't need advice from my parents and I'm certainly not one to over-share the nitty gritty of our relationship. My husband is my partner, not my extended family.

I think that what he's doing means the therapy is affecting him deeply and he wants more than anything for your sister's family to be accepting and see that he's trying to change. He's excited about fixing the marriage.

I think that his apology to your parents was wonderful. That's not "bringing them into their problems" but acknowledging to them that he made a promise he didn't keep to them as well as your sister and he's intent on fixing it. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the therapist suggested that tactic.

Cut him a break for now. It seems to me that he's making real attempts and this may be his way of taking accountability. If you're not comfortable with details, I would talk to him face to face (if you live closely enough) and tell him that you're really encouraged and proud of them both for working on their marriage and attending therapy but frequent updates feel as if you're too involved. Let him know you appreciate being kept in the loop, and if there's anything they need as a couple to both call you. Whatever you do, don't agree to keep confidences for him.

Does she give him any verbal accolades? Like telling him how great he is at this or that? Even just taking out the garbage, does she ever thank him? He may be looking for acceptance from her family, he is trying to fix them, he needs affirmation and she is not giving it to him.
So, you can let your sister know, or just text back and say keep up the good work, glad to hear it is working, etc. I think I would let my sister know and ask the two of them to read Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.

I think that if the family feels that his behavior is unnecessary, you all need to say, "BIL, this is a private matter between you and your wife. Please don't bring us into it."

If it were me and my sister came to me and said, "Sis, I don't know if you know your DH told us about the counseling. I'm here to support you, but I didn't know if you knew he told us and I felt I needed to make sure it was something you were in the loop about." I would either say, "Yes, I know" or "Thanks for telling me."

I don't know BIL's motivation here, but if Sis hasn't said anything and he's giving you the play by play, then someone should at least mention it to her.

If he's calling constantly or seems really needy about needing family feedback, you may have to be more firm. "BIL, I'm glad it works for you, but please stop asking about the book. We did the assessment and it's not the right tool for us."

He could be overcompensating for something, like guilt. Or he could just be seeking attention. He obviously wants something other than keeping you guys in the loop. I would ask him if his personal updates to would create more problems in his marriage if your sister knows. If he says yes, then ask him to stop. If he says no, then tell him you are going to tell your sister.

Stop! I just got my naval area pierced and it hurts from laughing. You said, "Dude know your audience".

That is soooooooo the truth and could stop so much faux paux!

But anyhoo--let him know that it is probably best that he keeps their business to themseves. But--do not tell your sister!

Tell you sis everything, her husband maybe doing the "BIG SET UP", to try to prove HE was the one who wanted to save the marriage in order to gain custody of the children and/or avoid spousal support and child support.

Let him know when he speaks with you that you would rather not discuss his marital problems.