Advice on Unruly Nephew

You can let everyone involved know that you have decided that all guests, children included are expected to follow a certain set of rules. Let them know that you are happy to enforce them if they don't feel comfortable. That s what I do in my house. Friends and family included.

You will come across this a lot, not just with family but with friends as well. I say ...your house YOUR rules. I would tell your brother inlaw that you love him and your nephew, but when they are in your home, now with your daughter they will be held to the same rules she is...and spell them out...NO running, hitting, standing on the furniture...food stays at the table...what ever you will be enforcing with your daughter. Your nephew will abide...I always tell my kids different strokes for different folks...different families have different rules...and it works both ways...I have let my kids play "guns"(nerf) at another friends house if that family allows it...no way on earth would they every try @ home...they know all their nerf stuff(like playdough) is considered an outside toy in our home...but at someone elses...that's their rules(obviously the swearing/hitting/tantrum rules never change and she'll figure that out). And I have been know to tell a visiting child sorry no toys at our table...put it away until later...most kids don't have a problem with rules...it helps them understand where they stand and what is expected of them...kids need and like boundaries...it may take your nephew a lil time to adjust to new rules...but odds are the BIL will have a harder time adjusting...

I would warn him that if it happens again that he can not play. If he does it again just remove him from the play area for a little time out. Express the fact that someone can get hurt and if someone had done that to him he wouldnt like it. And also that those are the rules for YOUR house. My cousin has a little girl who can be quite rude to my kids and i just tell her that if they cant get along then noone will play and that usually fixes it.. if not i send her back home(just down the driveway) She is an only child and she has trouble sharing sometimes and she can be very bossy and mean. So I just wont let her play. I have a 4 year old who has done those types of things to her older sisters and I give her a 1 warning and if she does it again she has to go sit on the stairs or up to her room. She usually then cries for a few minutes and then comes and apologizes. I ask her if she would like it if someone else did that to her and she says no of course so then I tell her then dont do it to someone else because they dont like it either. At 3 and half he is old enough to understand. I hope this helps. And also since he doesnt seem to be getting the structure he needs i feel it would be okay to try to instil some good values into him whenever you can. :0) I personally myself would!

I definitely understand where you are coming from. Before my son was born, we had the family over for Mother's Day. JD's room was "done" and all of his toys were washed and on the shelves. My neice (6) is a mean kid, no other way to say it. She didn't like that people were excited about a new baby coming, so she threw his things on the floor and stomped on them. She has also deliberately hurt her siblings and is very sassy to adults.

Needless to say, she is no longer welcome in my house unless she can follow our rules. I immediately took her into the den and firmly stated that this behavior would NOT be tolerated in my home and if she couldn't follow those rules, then when the family was over she would need to stay in the den. She yelled at me that I wasn't her mother and I calmly informed her that it was my house. She stayed in there for about 20 minutes before she was ready to be civil.

Her parents give-in to everything and she's mean and bad at home, but not at my house and not in school! Hm... coincidence? Set the rules clearly as well as establishing a clear (and reasonable) consequence. At our home, if she's nasty, she gets a time-out in the other room until I think she's ready to rejoin the group. If she's nasty when we're at my in-laws, we leave.

Bottom line, your child is your priority. She needs to be safe and doesn't need to see him get away with bad behavior.

It is such a hard situation. I do know what you mean.
I have 2 good girls.. One day I saw a side of my nephew i couldn't believe it.. So, to make a long story short.
I did put him in a time out.. No yelling just spoke to him.
He did listen but, the spitting the kicking, not sharing was ridiculous. I didn't tell my brother. I didn't want to start anything. I know he can be hard on him with yelling.
I said to my self if that happens again i will tell my brother. So, the next time I had my nephew over I just gave him lots of hugs and asked him alot of questions. I realized that he needed a lot of attention that is why he was being such a royal pain. I would sit down w/ my daughter and my nephew and play with them. I would show him how the rules go in this house. I am glad i did not approach my brother because this incident happened at my sisters and my sister corrected her son and my brother happened to walk in and my brother was not pissed at his son. He was pissed at how his son was spoken to not by him. My brother felt that he should of been approached by his son's bad behavior and he didn't like anyone correcting his son. So, if that helps.. Good Luck

I understand how difficult this is, but your child is far more important and your home is too should be a safe place for your daughter so your nephew should not be invited. So, this is my opinion if I was in the situation like this: I would sit down and talk to my husband about it and my feelings and how important our daughter is to both of us and what we both can agree on. I would want my husband to talk to his brother and to make it clear that his brother's son's behavior was out of control and that our daughter's safety is our concerns and that I can't have that kind of behavior in our home. I mean, if the child can't be safe in her/his home, then where? Your daughter will imitate it especially if she sees that he does not get the punishment for his actions. She will be hurt (no doubt) by his behaviors and he did it once and it will happen again, he will hit her and may be something harder or far worst. I would either see what your BIL says about it and if he says that he will talk with his son and it won't happen again, then they can come over, but with you present and if it happens, then it's over. You said you don't want to say she can't see her cousin, I would not want my kids to see their cousin if that cousin will hurt them and make them feel unsafe and how to misbehave. I hope you and your husband come to an agreement that would consider one more time for your nephew with both of you present and you both should always be present when your nephew is around and if it happens then it's gotta end. Sorry that boy is hurting and on the wrong path in life, but your daughter should not be hurt either. I pray that God will give you His Wisdom if you ask Him. :)

Hi J.,

Well, I can totally relate to you. We are a gigantic family and are strong believers in the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." All of us, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and parents are involved in how we discipline our offspring. It's very hard to be a tight family if you can not openly discuss with your brother in law how this behavior is making you feel. Honestly, I think you might want to try something like,"I love having you over, especially now that we have kids that will grow up together, but I really think that we need to set some rules so that they can grow to have a strong bond." This way, no feeling are hurt and you can let him know exactly what bothers you. For all you know, it bothers him just as much and he is just not sure how to deal with the situation.
I did this with my cousins and their kids even before I had my son and let me tell you, their kids will NEVER misbehave in my presence. You can love your nephew, but show him that if there is one person that he WILL learn to respect, it will be you.
Good luck.

D.

I'm a teacher. I teach the expected behavior at school, at my home,and any other situation in which I am the responsible adult in supervision at the time. This obviously includes my students, my children, relatives, friends, and .... The children (and some adults) don't always know what's expected and usually appreciate the structure, consistency and safety. And then there are the adults who come for a visit because they just need a "break"..... Don't be afraid to expess your expectations!

Hi J.,

I would suggest that your husband sit down with your brother in law. He should tell his brother that he is concerned because his nephew is not respecting the rules of the house and that trying to correct his behavior is not working. Have your husband ask if there is anything he can do to help his brother with the child. Your brother in law may be relieved to have some help and/or support. Even if its just moral support.

You obviously cannot expose your young daughter to this type of behavior if it does not improve and your brother in law needs to understand that. He should also know that you and your husband are on his side.

Good luck,
R.

PS- maybe the boy would benefit seeing a child therapist, if it hasn't already been suggested. It sounds like the poor little guy has been through a lot in his short life.