Almost Car Accident Has Frightened My Son

I am so happy that you are being able to slowly help your son with his fears.

I know this feeling all too well as I was in a head-on collision at the age of 7. There was only 15 inches left between the front windshield and the front bumper. For years when in a vehicle if I thought we were too close to something or that we were going to hit.... I would slam my foot to the baseboard of the vehicle as if putting on the breaks. I would have flashbacks for years as I was able to see us actually impact. It was not until just this year (31 years later) that I got my first driver's license.

Take whatever precautions you can to help your little guy so he does not go through a lifetime of torment.

Sending you my good wishes and prayers that you can help him.

I just read what you did for your son. You did a great thing with all your caring and patience. And seeing the therapist about this and other stuff. That is great. The earlier you work out their issues and get them what they need to succeed and be a great person the better.

As a mom of three anxious kids I think you are right that it's time to get a little outside help. I found therapy for my kids useful in that it gave me a constructive vocabulary with which we could talk about anxieties. I especially like the book we found thru our therapist, "The Anxiety Cure for Kids" by Elizabeth DuPont Spencer (MSW) Dr. Robert DuPont and Dr. Caroline DuPont (both psychiatrists). In the book they refer to anxiety as a "dragon" in your head fighting for power over your life - by making you afraid to do things. But, you (the child) is a wizard, who by working on defeating the dragon can get power back.

Then they offer concrete suggestions, exercises, and tools for empowering your child to deal with his anxiety. Many of these are very much like the things you have done already, and it takes work (as you have seen already, anxiety is so not a 1,2, 3 magic problem).

I just found having a book with solid suggestions, suggested dialog to use with my kids and a common vocabulary really helpful. That way the three of you (mom, dad, son) can be on the same page while trying to defeat the dragon. Watching your child struggle with the pain of anxiety is really difficult. So much of the time you have to gently but firmly help your child face the dragon when your mother instinct is to give in to stop your child's pain. I can tell you from experience that what you're doing - helping him face his fears - is the right thing to do, however painful it may be.

Hang in there.

Based on reading your "so what happened," I would say that you have handled things remarkably. My sons and I were in a car accident where one of them was broadsided square on and got a minor concussion (he hit the rear wheel on the drivers side and it totaled our car) while the other did not get hurt but was way more traumatized from then on. He would get so panicky from just watching other cars approach ours, even if it was 200 yards away. I took him to an energy worker who helped put some of this into perspective for us - she said that it can me more traumatizing to watch family members get hurt than to actually go through it. we have been working with him and he is getting better now...especially the backseat driver syndrome! no more (imagine a very panicked voice) "MOM! A car it coming!!" I commend you on attending to his emotional and psychological needs to fee safe.

I just read this one this morning, and I have to agree that you ask to sit in with your son during the counselling sessions. I think it's important with him being so young that he sees that you're there to back him up, and supporting him. He needs to learn that he can trust you when he has to cross that street again. How unbelievably scary for you both to experience this! Hope you're ALL well again soon!

I think the near miss of you and him being run over by a car has created a trauma for him that a therapist or a counselor can help him with. Just tell him everyone at one time or another needs help sometimes and there's nothing to be ashamed about in getting the help you need.

Try sitting down with your son and discussing the details on why he's scared to cross the street. Then brainstorm things that you and your son can do to make crossing the street feel safer for him. Make sure you address each of his concerns.

For example the driver said that she didn't see you :-/ Ask your son what you two can do to make yourselves more visible (wear bright clothing, raise your hands while crossing the street, carry a little yellow or red flag). What safety measures can he take with you before crossing (check for cars, watch the speed, look both ways.) Discuss what measures you can take if a car is moving too quickly or not stopping before the crossing. (Back up to the corner, run faster if you are closer to the other side, stop if you are not yet in the car's path, etc.) AND lastly talk about what you each should do if (god forbid) there is an accident (call 911, shout for help, carry a card with emergency contacts, etc).

Also, you might talk with his teacher for suggestions or ask the school to help out by doing an in school presentation on traffic safety.

It sounds like this was very scary for your son. As a therapist, one thing I would recommend is trying to sit with your son and have him write a story about what happened that day. First just write the basic events and then go into detail about how he was feeling when it happened and how he feels now. It might help you understand what is really scary for him. This might be the first time he realized that you could die which can be an overwhelming thought for a child. Talking to a therapist cannot hurt and it would probably only be for a few sessions.

I think it is great that you are trying to help your son through this and not just minimizing the event for him.

Ann,

It is a hard thing to get a child over what has developed into a near miss. But you need to help him get over it. Several items, first if you have a local CORNER store (candy food whatnot) tell him you need to go there, does he want to join you. he will. The sit there at the store and have him enjoy some candy, ice cream while watching all the cars drive past, not hitting anyone. Also having friends come over and play outside with him (in the presence of the street) becoming once again blisfully nochelont with the street. finally if he still has trouble with the street * cars, bring him over to the police and ask a police office to explain how rare it is that people get hit by cars...

Wow. Glad you are both safe- must have been terrifying!

As for a therapist, ask youself whether or not these behaviors are become a response pattern or if this is a one-time deal. If it's a one-time deal then therapy is a bit overkill. If this is how your son tends to react to situations- increasingly fearful... anxious... building to separation anxiety, then seek out a therapist.

I would suggest that you do some behavior modification with him. Take him to a quiet street or somewhere he can "practice" crossing the street with minimal cars. Let him get comfortable again with the steps (look both ways, cross half-way, stay alert, etc). If he freaks-out, hold his hand and reassure him that he is practicing and that you are right there.

I would also continue to have him walk to school. Leave early with the understanding that you may need to stop along the way. Enlist a friend to go with you so that he has someone to chat with- children are also much less likely to freak when their friends are around.

Don't make little of it, but don't focus on it either. I have found success in giving a child a "one time vent". When I work with a child who is struggling with something that is easily overcome, I will give them an entire session to let it out... at the end, I let them know that we are going to move forward from here and we are going to talk about ways to reduce the anxiety, not "spin" it into more anxiety.

Good luck- talk with the pediatrician as well.

You might want to read How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, by Adele Faber. Lots of good ideas on really HEARING what your child has to say. Good luck. sounds like an awful experience for both of you.

Anna,

I am going to tell you two things I hope you will take to heart.

1) At 16, I was almost killed as a passenger in a car when we got into an accident. I don't remember much of it as I blacked out and only have flashbacks from the nightmares I had right after. I can tell you though, it was a LONG time before I didn't panic in the car if someone got to close to us. I am not a super sensitive person like you mention your son is so you can imagine what he must be feeling thinking how close the two of you came to being seriously injured or worse. Honestly, for the first year after, there were many times my seatbelt was the only thing that kept me from throwing myself to the floor of the car because another got to close to us. I can tell you it was not something I had any control over...it was an automatic defensive reaction in order to try to protect myself. I feel bad for your son because I can completely relate to what he is feeling. I can tell you I got past it though I still do not like cars to get too close to us and that was 20 years ago...I do think therapy is a good idea which leads me to my next point...

2) Please don't leave your son in the room with a therapist alone. It may seem like a weird concern and I'm sure any therapist will be able to say "but he might feel more open to talk to me without you in there". Please, instead, go sit in a corner of the room maybe behind him where you are not in his line of sight then. Here is my reasoning. I know of at least two men who as a little boy and a teenager were taken advantage of by therapists. Please don't let that disuade you from taking him as I do believe it could do him good but protect him at the same time. In neither case did these boys' parents ever find out but I can tell you, it scarred both of them for life. Your son doesn't need more trauma on top of what he is already dealing with.

Best of luck and please keep me posted.

L.

hi anna,
i think some acknowledgement of how scary that situation was is helpful and important, and give him space to discuss: "that was a really scary thing that happened. you thought something was going to happen to me." and then talk about how infrequently something like that really does happen, that you are safe and fine. you definitely don't want to dismiss his fears or belittle them. a book i used with my son at age 7 was "what to do when you worry too much" i found it on amazon and he felt so relieved. but if this goes on i would definitely engage with a child psych/counselor.
K.