I will ask my question... then give some backround for those interested... but it could get long...
Due to numerous medical issues (son's broken leg, maternity leave, husband's surgery and other random non serious illnesses) i have 1 day of vacation left at work... if I volunteer and work the day after thanksgiving i get an extra day to use. This gives me some paddng as cold and flu season starts...
The problem? Without having that Friday off I do not want to travel to my family's houses for thanksgiving. They live about two hours away. My mother is deceased and my dad lives down south... so this is aunts uncles and my grandmother. My daugher sleeps in 1-2 hr stretches at night.... i am exhausted. The day is 1 dinner with my mom's family then over to my dad's family for dessert. it is a long day under normal circumstances, never mind turning around to drive home 2 hrs and work the next day.
I KNOW I am going to get a major guilt trip for this. I do not make it there often, esp this year. I know I have to do what is right for us... but needs ways to prepare for the drama that is coming...
having dinner here is not an option, they will not come
they will be here for DD batism in oct
Now the backround... and sorry if i ramble. Most of the drama will come from my mom ' s sister. she is my aunt and ii love her... but she is insane. we have drama going back to after my son was born and I no longer could just drop everything to go shopping or go home every weekend. IT got worse when my mom was ill, I was working to jobs, had a 2 yr old kid, hubby was working and in school. i was there whenever I could be, but it was never enough. They would take my mom out of the hos like pime ital and then call my brother and i that they could not take care of her (that is why the doctors wanted her IN the hospital!!!). I was the only person who could stand up to my mom and they needed me there to be the bad guy. Fine. She was also mad I did not "recongize" her enough for raising the most money when we all did a charity walk to raise money for the cancer society. Since she has died the guilt trips are CONSTANT. i nver visit. I spend too my time with "your dad's family" i am "mean" to her because unlike the rest of my family i do not cater to her craziness.
i know she has been depressed since my mom died. i know she is medicated. but it is like she is mad i have tried to move on. of course I miss my mom... but she would kick my arse if I sat around crying and ignoring my family. I feel i honor her the most by being the best mom i can be.
All of this makes visiting stressful. the underhanded comments, my husband is ready to just blow up at her. they also expect my 6 yr old to sit on their lap like he is 2... he just want to play and run. they get mad if he will hug or kiss them (he has some sensory issues... he will hug you but needs time... they try to guilt him into it). And now with the baby they will just ignore him for large stretches (including at HIS brithday party) to go gaga over her....
ok i know there are a TON of typos... but my computer is acting up and it will not let me correct
Will you be going down for Christmas? I would work and not worry about them if they're going to be jerks about it. It's just one Thanksgiving.
DNA does not make a family. You are not obligated. Tell them you have to work and if anyone tries to make you feel guilty tell them exactly how you feel and let them know you don't appreciate being made to feel guilty. Tell them the road goes both ways, not just one.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
Hi A.
You are not selfish.
I am actually learning some life lessons on the subject at the moment. I am trying to not feel this guilt of not having the time to please everyone around me and do what is best for my family.
So saying that my advise would be to realise what suits your family best this thanksgiving is to stay home and you should do that.
Be strong,don't give in to their emotional bullying and enjoy this time.
I think when we create our own family this should always come first .
No guilt please lol !!
All the best
B. k
Do we have the same family?!
Selfish or not, I'm not going ANYWHERE for the holidays this year, it's too much for me! If anyone wants to see me, come visit, I'll cook. I'm the only one in the family with small kids (3 of them!)... why should *I* have to be the one to pack everyone up and make the trek?!
Anyway, maybe you can do something similar... or just say 'forget it' this year. No harm, no foul... there's always Christmas :) I don't think you're being selfish at all, your family needs to be understanding of your situation... but, since it sounds like we have the same family, I know you'll still catch some grief, but what can you do?! Shrug it off. Let them talk about it for the next 10 years... at least you can say you did right for YOUR family :)
You're not selfish at all. I would not go to your aunt's house this year for all of the reasons you have stated above. Your family NEEDS that extra day for "cushion". Bottom line, kids get sick and they need you home when they are.
You could (if you wanted to) ask your aunt about coming over on Saturday for "leftovers" and dessert. Explain your reasons and ask about a different day. If she says "no", at least you offered!
They will be there for Oct. It is on your turf, so to speak.
Remind them then that you will not be there Thanksgiving this year.
Next year have a kid's party, no adults invited, for him, or invite your dad, he's the grandpa.
I have had to distance myself from toxic people and it really is liberating.
I would just tell them that something came up and now you have to work the day after Thanksgiving so you will be having dinner at your own house. If they can come, great. If not, maybe you can plan another day to get together. If you offer to let them visit and they don't come, then thats on them. I wouldn't feel selfish about it.
You are not being selfish, you are being realistic.
Put your husband and children first. THEY are your immediate family and need you the most. Do what Lesley B. said. Your work vacation schedule will not allow it considering all your sick/vacation days are gone.
Say home with your hubby and kiddos - the rest of your family doesn't sound healthy, and you don't have to put up with it.
Do what is best for you and your family. It sounds like you are burning the candle at both ends as it is. Your Aunt will get over it..or she won't . But regardless you have a family that needs you to be ther emotionally so do what is going to be best for you and yours first.
Hi A., I actually cried while reading Bernie's post. I think I needed to hear it just as much as you.
You are not responsible for making Thanksgiving the way they want it. Have a stress free holiday with your husband and your kids and every time the guilt creeps up on you, tell it to take a hike.
Do what works for your family (meaning your core family of you, your husband and kids).
Hugs!
You need to do what is best for you and your family and not feel one ounce of guilt for it. That is not selfishness. Your family should come first over the needs and wants of others. And to top it all off, once you have kids, the idea of traveling every year for holidays is out of the question. It's too much to expect for you to do that with small children. Enjoy your Thanksgiving YOUR way this year. :)
I live about 2 hours away from my family and I can't imagine what you mean when you say you " I do not make it there often, esp this year.". It's 2 hours and you could go every weekend if you made time...My mom died a couple of years ago so I have to stay in a hotel now when we go. I can't afford that so we don't go much.
If you want to see your family just go and spend some weekends with them and tell them you just have to work that weekend.
I would go at Thanksgiving if it were me though. There is nothing like a holiday with family where the ones you don't get to see very often are there too. You can always sleep all weekend after recuperating...lol.
You are not selfish.
You are married with children and they are your primary family.
Everyone else and their expectations/needs are secondary now.
If they want to gripe about it they can take a flying leap.
Tell them you have other plans and you are not coming this year.
Stay home for Thanksgiving, cook your own turkey, work the day after, and don't allow anyone to lay any guilt on you.
Hang up on them if they try.
I guess some could see that as "selfish" but in my eyes, I wouldn't go either.
Yes family is important, but the safety and sanity of you and your children is MORE important.
If you are tired & stressed, it will take a toll on your body. Driving 2 hours after being stressed out...Ya , hi not a good idea.
You just have to find the "right" way to tell them you won't be there. Take care of you.
I have to work the day after Thanksgiving this year as well. We are still making the trip up to Troy's family we are just leaving early. We explained, hey, she has to work ya know? They are going to serve dinner an hour early and we aren't going to sit around and digest like we usually do.
I understand where you are coming from but there are a lot of hours in the day, just shorten the visit.
There problem solved. :)
Doing what is right for your own family is nearly always the right thing to do. My opinion is that you stay home, have a nice gentle and thankful Thanksgiving with your family, work the next day (since that's what feels right to you) and let the family drama happen without you. It sounds like it's going to be there whether you're there for Thanksgiving or not. Having a stress free Thanksgiving will be good for your kids, too.
An additional thought is that you could make a list of things you're thankful for in that side of the family and send it to them to arrive a day or two before Thanksgiving. Say in a note that since you can't be there in person you wanted to be there in this way and list those things you are genuinly thankful for.
No, you're not being selfish to look out for your own family's interests. If you could reasonably do it, you would. Based on what you posted, it sounds ridiculous for you to try that trip, especially when you are primarily motivated by guilt or a misplaced sense of obligation.
Just say no, and plan a fun day for your own family.
Not selfish. I live 2 1/2 hours away from my parents/sister/bil/nephews & we have had years where we had to put off CHRISTMAS for a day or 2 if it fell in the middle of the week based on how many vacation days everyone had available so I feel your pain. The fact of the matter is, stuff like this doesn't always come together the way you wish it would. Real life is unavoidable. Make sure to give everyone a call on the day of, say I love you, wish we could all be together, next year for sure, etc. & carry on.
I would tell them that you have to work friday, so you will be staying at your house for thanksgiving. If they want to come there, fine, if not, that's fine too. Keep it simple. They will either understand or not. You can't please everyone, and you need to take care of yourself and your own family first. I always am being pulled in many directions. It gets worse for the holidays. My parents have divorced, remarried, and live far away from me. I also have inlaws that live about an hour away. Most often I am at my inlaws for the holidays. However, last year I went nowhere for christmas. I just wanted to be home. It was wonderful!
So why did u want to go there again?
I think sometimes we need to get those Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving pictures out of our heads! Most do not have perfect families.
Clearly, going will be stressful for you. Work that Friday to gain the extra vacation day.
Make a nice turkey breast, stuffing and rolls and green beans for your family for Thanksgiving.
I know there is always pressure from family/friends to do what THEY want you to do, but you need to do what YOU want and need to do.
send them all a lovely Thanksgiving card & say hopefully you will be abe to make it next year.
Good luck!
Thanksgiving is a day set aside to be grateful for what you have been blessed with. I dont think you will be able to do that if you go to the extended family celebration. There is nothing wrong with saying we just want to stay close to home and have the day to really enjoy each other. Of course, there may be some backlash, but you are a grown up. They can't MAKE you do it. It may be the 1st step to setting some boundaries and her realizing she can't control you.
I don't think you are being selfish at all. You are taking the needs of your family into consideration, and it doesn't sound like it makes sense for your family to make the trip this year. I would just say "due to work schedules this year, we aren't going to make it for Thanksgiving. We look forward to seeing everyone at Christmas." If you spend too much time worrying about other people, you wont be able to enjoy the holidays with your little ones. I believe it is important to make concessions and try to see family during the year, but it is also important not to stress yourself out by running around at the holidays. Since you only have one day off for Thanksgiving, you want to make the most of it with your family. Good luck!
Bottom line you need to do what is right for your family. Simply telling them you have to work the next day and won't be able to travel period.
Can you take unpaid time? I am in the same boat with hours. My boss is pretty flexible and I know kids get sick. I have one flex day left and this is only September LOL! If you choose to work the day after Thanksgiving fine I know that the family will be disappointed but duty calls and they will eventually get over it.
I fail to see how you're the selfish one in this. It seems to me that it's your family that is, and has consistently been, selfish in expecting you to adjust your life to cater to their excessive demands. I think that it is wonderful that you try, but if this were me, these people would never, and I mean NEVER see me, or my children. I have zero tolerance for others expecting me to shape my life around them. I truly wish you the best of luck with this.
Don't go. Stay home OR go out and eat for fun with your beautiful family. No setting up, no dishes to wash, it's great. I did it for Easter. Didn't really want to go to my aunts house for once. Not to sound selfish either, but when you go over other peoples houses you won't sit and enjoy yourself. Unfortunately you have to get up and help around. There's no way you're going to relax with your hubby and friends/family. That's why for Easter I just told hubby lets go out and eat. And you know what, we actually enjoyed ourselves. Now I see why so many restaurants are full during the holidays.
I agree with all posts too. No sense in repeating it. Good luck and be well.
Don't go.
Tell them that you have no sick/vacay days left and have to work the holiday so that you can earn extra days so that you can take of your family.
Period, end of discussion.
Then refuse to talk about it again. If someone brings it up, say "I am sorry, I have explained and this discussion is closed" then hang up the phone.
You can get a guilt trip if you allow yourself to feel bad for putting your husband and children first.
Stand your ground, go buy a super turkey, and cook it at home, and have a relaxing day with your hubby and children.
Not selfish. Stay home this year. You don't even need excuses. It will be more fun next year if you choose to travel....
If youre not into it, it will show.
I don't think it's selfish per say but I'd go.
It's only a 2 hr drive and your grandmother won't be around forever.
Ask yourself who's really being selfish and irrational here? You with a ton on your plate (no pun intended) or an aunt who probably has lots of time to cater to herself? I think it's her/them who are being selfish and in that case, who cares what they think? Stay home, take care of yourself and your family. Let them come to you if they're so determined to see you. I've gotten good about not spending precious time worrying about offending people who don't have my interests in mind at all. I try to realistically compare who has more to deal with, all the factors etc and then I just move on even if it doesn't make them happy. If they don't understand that working full-time and taking care of kids is a 24/7 job, that's their problem. I've bent over backwards to accomodate people who don't reciprocate too often. It's such a relief to worry less about other people who are the ones who end of day are selfish. Go out to dinner! Don't even cook! Take a break and relax. It'll be so much better of a day.
