Am I Crazy or Have Any of You Moms Felt This Way After Losing Your Baby?

In January of 2007, I was 24 weeks along when I lost my little girl. I refused to be induced until we had gotten her funeral arrangements taken care of. My oldest was only 19 months at the time and I became super over-protective of her, I was so afraid of losing her too. Six months ago, I had a little boy and worried that I was going to lose him throughout the entire pregnancy. I still have bad days when I'm afraid that something might happen to the kids. Once you lose one, losing a child becomes a reality and no longer a hypothetical. The fear that it could happen again can be overwhelming sometimes - but the more you practice not being afraid (which is still hard some days) the better you get at dealing. I think I will always see that someone is missing from my family, but most days I just try to thankful that I've been blessed with two healthy and happy children.

J. -

I'm so sorry for what you're going through...I lost my twin girls at 24 weeks two years ago. I also have a son who was two at the time we lost our daughters.

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. There are times when I feel like I'm close to having a panic attack when I think of anything happening to my kids (since we lost our daughters, we've since had another little boy). I think we just know how much it hurts to lose them and fear what that would be like at an even greater degree should we lose the ones we have already had a chance to watch grow and raise.

Keep in mind your hormones still aren't all regulated from being pregnant. I know once that calmed down in me, things were a little easier to take. Talk with your husband, talk with friends, take time for yourself and remember your baby...It's been nearly two years since we lost our girls and I still think about them every day. I miss them and think I always will.

If you need to talk at all, let me know...sadly there are others who know all too well what you are going through. You're not alone!!!

Be good to yourself.
-M

Hi J.,
I am so sorry for your devastating loss. Yes, your behavior is completely normal. Most people who have shared your experience have the exact same reaction with their other children. If you live in San Diego or South Riverside county, there is a group called Empty Cradle that holds meetings and provides phone support, etc, for bereaved parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Please check our website for more information. www.emptycradle.org. I would write more now but I am going out of town in a few hours and still need to pack so I really need to get off the computer now! ;-) Please feel free to contact me directly if I can help. I will be back next Thursday. I am a volunteer and board member with Empty Cradle and I have had 3 losses myself. Take care -Suzanne

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my second pregnancy at 18 weeks and it was devastating. Seek support from others. You will find that people want to know how you are feeling but are afraid to ask, so share with your loved ones. A ceremony to honor your baby is helpful. It does not have to be a formal ceremnony, it can be as simple as lighting a candle and saying a prayer, or letting a bouquet of balloons go, whatever feels right for you. I found when I faced my feelings of grief and loss, my anxiety regarding my first born eased. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Blessings to you and your family.

You are not alone. I think that you are going through some normal grief and fears considering you miscarried at 22 weeks. You WILL get through it, but it will take time. I am glad you are going to support groups. I had a miscarriage, ( not as far along as you though), so didn't go to any support groups, because I "didn't need it". I was wrong- it took longer I think to recover because I buried the pain/guilt.

I am sorry for your loss and I understand how you feel. Although I didn't lose a baby while pregnant, I lost my 2 year old (he drowned). It has been four years and I am in constant fear of something bad happening to my oldest boy (8) and my newest daughter (2). The challenge is to not let the fear impact our lives but the thoughts still run through my mind. I think once something so sad and unexpected has happened to you that you naturally fear something sad and unexpected to happen again.

Try not to worry about having the fears, sounds totally normal to me and of course now that you have time to think about what happened your thoughts will naturally go to the "what ifs." I found one of the best things to do is talk about your feelings, so keep up the talking and support group. Don't forget to take care of yourself while you are grieving.

Oh honey I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I know the pain all too well. It's completely normal how you're feeling. Your story brought me to tears because the same thing happened to me last year in august, but I was about 4 months along. Just a normal routine visit--and there was no heartbeat. The first thing I did when I got home was to just keep hugging and holding my daughter... and she was the reason to keep me even a little sane--being grateful that I had her. Even my husband is crazy overprotective of our now 3 year old daughter. It’s been a year and I am now beginning to recover emotionally enough to maybe start trying for another baby. If there was ANYTHING I could go back and change is to seek a grieving therapy group to talk to other women who have gone through this. I did do what you did... and try to seek help on this site, and we saw a therapist as well. I was expecting to get over this quick, and I think that was a big problem--because everyone expected me to. Just like you I was fine at first--and then it hit me so bad that I was crying uncontrollably all the time and angry and I didn't even want to leave the house, it’s your hormones obviously as well. I just kept covering up my feelings, bottling up everything inside and not ‘going through the process’ and ended up on antidepressants when I finally broke down. You need to give yourself time to grieve. It will get better. Don't put any time constraints on yourself at this point about anything. Just give yourself the time to heal physically and emotionally. I wish you the strength to get through this.
Much love,
S.

You are totally normal! We lost our first baby at 20 weeks. She lived for 3 1/2 hours and then passed away. When we had our second child 2 years later my husband slept with her on his chest for the first three months!! We never let her out of our sight. She slept in our room. My sister watched her while I worked and after a few months I quit becuase I couldn't stand to be away from her.

It will get better. You have lost a child. You must acknowledge that. You had made plans and that child was a part of your life and family. It takes a long time to recover from an unexpected death. Pamper yourself and hug that boy! I wish you all love in the world.
kati

Hello J.,
That was going to be our baby's name if God happens to bless us with a girl. Six years of trying to conceive and I grew more and more in distress. I gave up and went about my everyday routine. I never noticed any change within me except I suddenly noticed that I was not able to fit into some of my clothes. My favorite suit, couldn't zipped close...hahaha...then my husband told me "you're pregnant!" I got mad. I didn't think his joke was funny after years of trying. Then Lord behold! I was indeed pregnant after seeing the doctor. Twenty weeks into the pregnancy, our first child together, I started having complications. I was constantly having abdominal aches. Visits to the doctors and I was put on bed rest. The pain was so untolerable that I ended up at the hospital again. Our child was delivered at 20 weeks old, a tiny little body, the size of our palms, you can still see through his body the layers of his bones, breathing for a few minutes, his chest pumping till it faded and stopped...It took me years to get over it. I hated everything around me, I felt punished for whatever reason, isolated myself from everything and everyone, grew so distance from my own family and husband. I already raised two step children from his first marriage but to fact of having our own child together, was taken away. "J." was supposed to be the name if she was a girl. To name her after her Dad. "James" if he is a boy. It was a boy. We were blessed with three more boys after that. I still have not been over the loss of our first child. Our three boys are now teenagers, but I still feel the blue sadness, emotions of our first child. Wishing he was still living today. He would have been just about 17 years old this month. Our second son was also born this month, and was named "James." Our third son was also born this month. Then our youngest was born two years after and now 12 years old. Looking at our second son after he was born, was so identical to the profile of our first born.
I grew very and I mean extremely protective of our children. I set the time they are to be at home, checking in of their where about eventhough I know they are in the middle of football practice, calling the school to check on them, they call us at work to check in they made it home from school and getting ready for football, etc. I worry all the time. I know the feeling. I also had a friend who experienced the same thing except they were in the car crash and lost the life of their first born. They have been protective of their two children who were born shortly after...This is alwyas the saddest time of the year for me. The month he was born, the site of his last few minutes with us just to say hello, introduced himself, then he left....(tears)....

I'm so sorry. Your feelings seem normal to me. Sending you a huge hug.

Hi, J.,

I have been pregnant four times. The first two pregnancies ended in miscarriage. I still remember my hands sweating while I paced around the examining room before the first several ultrasounds of my third pregnancy. I was definitely in an altered state for the couple years following the beginning of my first pregnancy.

A couple things you might try that I wished I had tried during my first couple of pregnancies and miscarriages were the mindfulness (meditation) program by Jon Kabat-Zinn (or a similar program) and EMDR, which addresses Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. If you have access to a psychotherapist who is qualified to provide EMDR and you feel that what you are doing now is not helping you progress as much as quickly as you would like, then I recommend you try it.

Best wishes,
Lynne E

J.,
You are not alone, you are not crazy. Thank you for sharing your story- please accept my condolences on your loss. Go ahead and grieve, and know you deserve to feel every bit of emotion you are feeling. What an incredibly painful experience. In time, the intensity will pass- but you will never forget. Take care of yourself and your family.
Best- S.

J., I'm so very sorry you lost your daughter at 22 weeks. No, you are not crazy, not one bit. You are grieving and all kinds of feelings come up when we have a big loss like that. I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks, then had an ectopic soon after. I didn't have a baby to look after when I was going through that, but I sure went through some hard stuff.

If I had had a baby or child at that time, I would have been fiercely protective - you just don't want any more losses! I was anxious and fearful about so many things, but also kind of numb. I sought counseling and specifically looked for a therapist who utilized hypnotherapy. I just had a feeling that would be a good thing for me & it was. I'm not necessarily advocating that, or any particular type of therapy. I do think it is a wonderful idea that you've joined a grief counseling group. That will help a lot. You may find that you want more focus on what you have to say and that would be normal too. If you do, I hope you will seek some private counseling for yourself.

I wish you all the best and hope you will feel some lightness in your heart soon. I know what a lot it is to go through.

Peace & Blessings,
Colleen

I haven't been through this, J., and I'm SO sorry for your loss. I have had moments where I've made myself sick with worry, I think it's part of being a mommy. And I think it's really understandable that you'd be feeling more vulnerable now. That happens whenever we're reminded of the fragility of things. I think the only thing you can try to do is have more faith than fear. I don't mean faith in the religious sense necessarily, just faith that your little boy is strong and healthy and that most of us make it to adulthood with no problems! And a support group sounds like a good idea. Be kind to yourself :) Sending love.

Im very sorry for your loss. You are perfectly normal to feel this way. You need to grieve and take time to get over your loss. Your body had a baby and your hormones are still out of wack. Being a mom is a hard job and we always will want to protect our kids, no matter how old they are. With time you will give your son a little more room to run.

Many years ago when my son was 18 months old I got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 10 weeks -- a few months later I got pregnant again and lost the second one at 10 weeks. I went through a difficult time not only because of the hormones but emotionally also -- it takes time to heal so allow yourself to grieve -- it's normal. It took me five years before I could talk about my miscarriages (we weren't able to have any more as I was close to 40 at the time and time ran out on me). I am at peace with it now but it took some time to get there.

I am so very sorry about your loss. I have not been in your situation, but I know that I would be exactly the same way. You just being able to function regularly so soon after just shows how strong you are. I'm sorry you are going through what you are going through, buy I am sure your actions/reactions are quite normal.

I am really sorry about your loss. i lost a little girl at 22 weeks as well about 6 years ago (I started to go into labor and there was nothing they could do to stop it). I now have a 5 year old son, who when I got PG with was at the same week as my daughter was on the same date that I lost her. it was a scarey Prenancy for me. I was freaked out the whole time and when he was born, people told me I was too protective of him and that I needed to calm down. I don't agree, but I was always worried about SIDs and him getting hurt or pushed around by my neice. In time, when he could "Defend" himself more I calmed down, but he is still my miracle baby and I will always feel overprotective of him. Don't feel bad about your feelings acknowledge them and understand them, you are not alone, and sometimes as parents we are too relaxed. its ok to feel more attached to your son because of your loss, just understand your feelings.

Sorry for your loss

I am so sorry about your loss and although I have not gone through what you have, I am crying now because of it. How can you not feel over-protective of your son? I imagine myself in your place and I know I would still be grieving and over-protective. You will grieve. No doubt about it. It is a loss. When you have another child or more children, you will still think of her and WILL be protective of all your children.

Its natural. Do not worry if you think its not natural. It would be something to worry about if you weren't worried.

Dear J.,
I am so sorry to hear out your lose. It was a child and you were looking forward to holding it. No you are not crazy and I am sure it is a normal reaction you are having. Your son is very special and of course your mother instinct say "protect, protect, protect." He is still really a baby..a one year old. My sister lost a child too. It will take lots of time and you will always remember the little one, but it will soften with time. I pray that you may have another baby in time which will help also.
My sympathy,
H.

J. honey,

You are perfectly saine, and you're gonna be fine. You went through quite an ordeal and it'll take some time and thought.
I have lost, first my sister when we were in highschool, my dear, sweet brother in our 20's and my mama died in my arms 4 yrs ago, not to mention my grandmommy dying in my arms as well.
When I was pregnant with my first it was immediately after my brother died(4 mos after he died I was pregnant). Every time I couldnt feel her or something felt different or something WAS different, I'd think she died in the whom. It was horrible. To this day(I have 2 girls, the first is now17 and a four yr old!), I am jumpy about a certain "phone call" when my daughter's out, or that Lillie, the baby, will fall off something or drown or get run over, anything. I hold it in check by breathing. My Daddy taught me this. Breathe in deeply and fully, hold it, and blow it out, three times or more. It works. It changes your thought enough to gain control.

Write me,

Wendy

Dear J.,

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Although I have not gone through this exactly, what you are describing is very normal when you go through such a serious loss. You are grieving, and quite naturally, your emotions are very strong because the loss is so substantial. It is not at all out of the ordinary to be so protective and worried about your son after such a loss.

You are doing a good thing to talk to others who have been through this and for geting into grief counseling. It is assuring and helps in the healing to be around others who share similar experiences.

I hope that over time, your heart will hurt less and you will find peace.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

J. F.

First of all, I am so sorry for your lost pregnancy. You are not crazy, nor are you alone.
I never had a miscarriage, but the feelings you are describing I felt with my first baby. My dad was ill during my pregnancy and passed away 5 days after my first child was born. I had post partum depression for sure, or maybe it was just plain old depression due to the loss of my dad, exacerbated by the hormonal imbalance of post pregnancy. Either way I was consumed with thoughts of horrible things happening to my new baby that I'd be unable to help. It continued for several months and in hindsight I should have sought help. I thought it would pass sooner than it did. What would happen is this, I'd have a sort of waking nightmare of some awful scene, like watching a movie in my head that I wouldn't be able to turn off I'd have to see it to it's horrible end. I'd even try to hide my face from it & they would leave me breathless and panicked. These ranged from things that might happen if I were really really irresponsible, to things that would never happen in a million years, like going on a walk through the neighborhood and being attacked by a man-eating grizzly bear (thanks to the movie 'The Edge')mind you I lived in Hawaii at the time! But, it did end. My strong feeling is that it was about raging hormonal imbalances + extreme sadness = anxiety like never before. You are smart to get help, talking about it is truly the best medicine. Beyond that, I'd recommend hormone balancing herbs, you can contact me if you'd like to know of a clinical herbalist.
Be well Sweethart, it's all going to be fine.
R.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I actually had a similar experience. I actually starting have contraction pains around 22 weeks and ended up delivering basically as well. My son was about 20 months old at the time and my reaction towards him was much the same. I think that it is normal to feel this way. I do think that it is a natural part of the grieving process as well. I also know from experience although it will always be a painful memory, that things will get better soon. You will be in my thoughts.

J., I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It is the most heart wrenching thing for any mother to go through. There are support groups out there. They are for women who miscarried or have lost their children due to illness. I found them too late myself. I grieved for months and fell into the deepest, darkest depression that I have ever felt. After losing one baby at 12 weeks I then lost a second at 9 weeks. Happily, I recovered and had two more children. Let your body and your heart heal and know that you are not alone.

I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for your loss. I think that going to a grief counseling group sounds like an excellent idea. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

You are not crazy... it is a natural reaction.

I had a miscarriage once, but at only 6-weeks. I had a D&C.
I felt weird/empty/sad for a few months. I just turned inward though... I did not want my daughter to be affected.

I would HIGHLY recommend a grieving support group... perhaps ask the Hospital. It is REALLY helpful.
The grieving process is just that... a process. When my Dad died several years ago, my Mom joined a grief group & it is the thing that really helped her and saved her... and got her head/emotions back on track... and through the "processing" of it. It is invaluable... and she made great friends there too. All great souls who felt as she did.

I am so sorry for your loss. My friend, lost her baby at 4 months. But for her, well, I don't know how she handled it as she did not like to talk about it. She now has a 4 year old boy.

Each person is different, but it is great you have reached out here, to MamaSource Moms. That is a great courageous step... that you have taken.

Do all you can and manage as you can... and don't be afraid to reach out to those close to you, if you feel the need.
But I do believe, you need to grieve and a grief support group... it will aide you and carry you when you feel you cannot carry yourself... and have FAITH most of all... in what you are feeling and that you ARE normal and a great Mom.

No, you are not alone in worrying about your son. Post Traumatic Stress is that way. It causes a ripple effect. But also perhaps let your Hubby know how you are feeling too... sometimes they don't know how to feel either, when something like this happens. He can at the least, just hug you whenever you feel overwhelmed.

All the best,
Susan

It’s only been a few weeks for you; don't be so hard on yourself. I lost my baby at 11 weeks almost a year ago.
And I'm only just now getting over it. And when you get pregnant again it's going to be hard till you have that baby in your arms. And yes now that you know anything can happen its hard not to worry about the one you already have.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I gave birth (full term) to a little girl in 83, she had spina bifida and died shortly after birth. My oldest child is 23 and my youngest is 4. I worry about them all the time and am very paranoid about something happening to them I think this is normal for any parent, but when you lose a child I think it is even more so.
You will be in my prayers.

I lost my first child almost the same way, but I had to have the D&C. I was a total wreck when I got pregnant with my daughter, then again with both my sons (yes I know have THREE children LOL) There are days that I will still feel the loss of that child, and I am a very overprotective parent. I am not sure if this stems from the loss or if this is the way I was going to parent anyway. You are normal, your feelings are normal and you will heal with time. God bless you!

J. B,

I am very sorry for your loss, however, I strongly recommend you find a counselor and speak to the counselor about your grief and join a grief counseling group. This will help you to cope with your feelings of loss. I cannot recommend much more. Again, I am very sorry for your loss. The loss of a child, whether it is prematurely or after being born is still a traumatic event.

Try very hard not to transfer your fears on your son, he is very impressionable at his age. I know this is easier said than done, but try. Grieve for your daughter, don't be afraid to grieve. You are right, this is perfectly normal. Be very aware of your body language, so your son does not pick up on your personal fears, his behavior will show your fears and this you want to try very hard not to imprint on his mind.

Please, seek counseling and the counselor can also put you in touch with a group counseling for handling grief from losing a loved one. My prayers are with you and your family. Good Luck.

You've been through a very difficult ordeal, and you are no longer naive to tragedy. I'm certain you are experiencing a lot of anxiety over the well-being of your son. This is normal, and, will get increasingly better over time, I promise. Unfortunately, I've been there. For now, it's okay to worry. It's going to be a long process, and doesn't help to worry about worrying!

I'm so sorry. I got a lump in my throat just reading your post. I hope everything will work out for you in the end.

It's good that you are talking about this and getting support, instead of doing this alone.

please take care.

I am really sorry you had to go though this. I have had four miscarriages. Yes I am overprotective. I let my son have fun, but I watch him closely. I won't leave him in situations that I feel is not safe. I think counseling is great. I know some hospitals offer or know of good counseling groups. Mission Viejo Hospital is great. They have or had a program where mom's and their kids meet up. It was free when I went to it. There was the nicest nurse there. It was at the center acrossed the street from the collage entrance. Starbucks and Tuesday Morning only was or is in this center. Write me with any questions. It was free when I went. The ladies even met and when to the mall for lunch and did walks together.
Sue