Am I Doing Him a Disservice?

what would I have done?

I would have taken him to the store, had him pick out and pay for the gifts. My boys get an allowance. That's what it's for. I'm not their personal bank account.

My 14 year old son wanted to buy his girlfriend a teddy bear - well - he found one on-line that he wanted, however, he waited until the last minute and it would haven't been here in time. I told him to find a solution. He did. He found a Build-A-Bear workshop and asked me to take him. We went, he used his money and made her the bear for her birthday. She loved it.

So yes, I feel you are doing him a disservice by doing it for him. He needs to know how to shop, needs to know what things cost and the value of the dollar...as well as the reward of knowing HE picked it out - when they open the gift and they are beaming...that's HIS joy....

Are you doing that thing? You seem already to know that you are.

If you don't teach him these things how will he learn?

You just reminded me that I should have my 9 year old pick out his book exchange book and wrap it himself! Good idea!! Thanks for the question.

I think you should have done this with your son, and then next year he could do it himself.

You already know the answer is YES.

If my 5 year old had come home with a project like that, I would have taken her to the store, guided her in her purchases, funded it unless she chose to use her piggy bank money, helped her wrap them, and allowed her to learn from the tasks, take pride in her accomplishments, and learn to find joy in giving.

Not only did you not give him the opportunity to learn or experience any of this, but you taught him that it wasn't something he even should/could be bothered with. You took it over and set a precedent that giving, gifting, and to an extent homework and school projects are to be passed off.

He's 13. Please, take everything back to the store, take him shopping, have him pick the gifts, if he has spending money have him contribute some to the purchases, have him wrap them, allow him to take ownership of this project.

sounds to me as if you're an involved and efficient mom who saw a task that needed to be done and swung into action.
no harm, no foul.
but yeah, he's old enough to handle this sort of thing on his own. so don't sweat it, just start to look for opportunities to do exactly that. and do something nice for yourself in that extra few minutes of you-time that you'll free up!
:) khairete
S.

I have 4 brothers.
Anytime I want ANYTHING planned I have to contact my SIL's. Anytime we talk about present giving (birthdays and Christmas) I contact my SIL's. Thankfully I LIKE my SIL's....but seriously? My brothers are plenty old enough to take care of things themselves.
I blame my mother though. She bought Christmas gifts for my grandmother (my dad's mom) and all extended family every year. My mom planned all family get togethers. My dad never stepped in, so my brothers must just assume that the women are in charge of that area.
I am not. My husband buys for his family, calls his family without reminders from me, and sends them money (they are out of country) when they need it.
So, I guess my answer is your son is not helpless as much as you just need to let him try to figure things out on his own first. Next time let HIM do it.
His future wife will thank you.
L.

You answered your own question.

I haven't read the other responses....but I sort of think you're over analyzing it.

Yes, you could seize every opportunity to teach him valuable lessons through out the years you have him under your guidance...but given the extra stress and responsibilities of the holiday's, managing a simple task like this is probably less time consuming for you to accomplish. ratherthan plan, organize a trip and teach him how to do minor shopping.

And he's in 7th grade. You have time.

This year I just gave my 10th grader $20 for their class room gift exchange and he went to the mall across from his highschool and took care of it alone. I have no idea if he wrapped it or not. He came home with a nice book. Seems the peers helped each other out :)

It sounds like this was probably the most fun homework he has been given this school year and you did it.

This was a budget lesson and more important a lesson to do for one another, an act of kindness and humanity.

Yes, you are being that mom...you are teaching him to be helpless. I dated that man. He used to tell me, "That's okay, I'll ask mommy to do it, or Mommy does it like this, or Mommy said you should not be ironing my cuffs and collars.

If I were you, I would begin to fix this today. I would invite him to come help cook dinner. If he politely backs out, I would just tell him, "I'll wait". I would go on strike until he is ready to help. He doesn't need to be the family chef, but does need to know enough to survive.

Good catch and good question mom.

Please for the love of god understand what learned helplessness actually is. Acts of kindness do not foster learned helplessness.

I did things for my kids when they were younger and I can assure you they are two of the most self reliant adults I know for their age.

Okay, kind of laughing at some of these answers. Teaching him how to shop? Really, do we have to teach children how to shop now? 13, so he doesn't have a job, doesn't have a car, isn't old enough to drive. Sorry but there is no teaching moment here, he is still dependent on his parents for everything. Sure, could have taught him how to wrap a gift but I have yet to see a woman say, "I love my husband, he helps me in every way possible, but ya know, I am going to divorce him because he cannot wrap a gift!"

I don't think what you did was that big of a deal, but sure, next time let him do it himself, with your guidance and advice (if he wants it lol!)
I am a big believer in teaching kids independence and giving them chances to do things for themselves, I truly believe THAT builds confidence and self esteem more than anything else.

It was a nice gesture for you to do this for your son. But he does need to learn how to do things for himself.

My son was into sports in high school and one day at bed time he informed me that he had to have x for school the next day. I told him the only way that was going to happen was he was going to do it since he waited to the last minute. To make a long story short he did make it and everyone thought I made it and he told no that he did. He was so proud of what he did. From then on, he would be making things for his school affairs and cleaning up his messes.

So now would be the time to back off a bit and let him do it good/bad/ugly. You would then prevent the guy in the post Just Need Some Privacy. No woman wants a man like that.

Have a good holiday season.

the other S.

I wouldn't worry about it.

If you think he needs to practice the spirit of giving by himself, then I would make sure he has an opportunity to get gifts for Mom (you), Dad, or siblings.

I do all the shopping for our family as well, but I enjoy shopping, and my husband loathes it. If you want him to be less "helpless" in adulthood, I would focus more on making sure he can cook a meal, clean a house, tune a car, etc. Shopping isn't really a super necessary life-skill IMO, lol.

I don't know if you are teaching learned helplessness, but I certainly would have had him be involved. He is plenty old enough. He doesn't need to use his money, but he could help with the gift choices, even help you shop if you had a time you could both go together (sometimes time constraints make this impossible at this busy time of year), and do at least some of the wrapping. You could show him how. They need to know this, and understand how to appreciate if/when someone else does it for them (both as a recipient of a beautifully wrapped gift, and as someone who has their wrapping done by someone else, either mom, sister or wife in the future).

No real harm done.. but yeah, you could have used this as a lesson. It won't "ruin" him, though. ;)

Ah...well, in a perfect world, and if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I'm not familiar with the activity you named bit I'll assume it's a sort of Secret Santa.
If I let my kid wait until his "urgent" radar went off? His recipient might be getting a box of Ritz Crackers and a can of creamed corn, unwrapped, grabbed on the way to the bus stop!
So I assume since his recipient is a random classmate, I do think prodding and some supervision and direction would be necessary--so the other kid doesn't end up with said can of creamed corn!
Cut yourself some slack.
Every kid has their strengths and weaknesses.
We ALL know that lady minute scrambling means WORK and INCONVENIENCE for mom. (At least til they're driving, right?)

Good for you for questioning it. You are the go-to person for the family and everyone depends on you. Part of you probably enjoys this, but part of you is wondering if this is the tradition you want to continue to the next generation.

I think it's a good opportunity to talk to him about how you just swung into action but you think it's not a good lesson for the future. Let him know he's in 7th grade and able to handle more responsibility so that he can ultimately go forth from your home into independent adulthood. The next purchase or shopping trip will be something you do together. Understand that he will roll his eyes and look for an escape route from this discussion.

Then make a priority list of the skills you want him to develop, and put them in the order that is the most sensible. For starters, does he write thank you notes for gifts he receives? Does he know the key elements of a heartfelt thank you? Does he know how to deal with a gift he's not thrilled with? In our house, thank you notes started with me writing what my son said about or did with the gift, progressed to him dictating the note, and on to him writing it. By 4th grade, he could not play with the item or spend the money until the note was written, and if he still refused, I told him he had to write a letter to the giver saying why he was sending the gift back. Of course, he didn't want to lose the gift, and since he was writing a letter one way or the other, he chose the thank you note.

My neighbor has 3 kids and she has worked so hard with them on manners, eye contact, and social skills with adults. They are really far ahead of many other kids with their ability to show respect and interest. Maybe that's something you want to work on if he's not already proficient.

You say that you do all the holiday stuff - is that the shopping, or does it extend to the cooking and the decorating? The shopping may well be done for now, but for the other stuff, there's no reason your son can start to learn to do some of these tasks (perhaps with his father) - getting out the casseroles and decor, putting things away, hauling tables and chairs out of the basement, etc. What about the gift wrapping and the tags? My son and my step kids were filling out the gift tags for their gifts to others (even if I did the shopping), helping with the wrapping (handing me tape, putting on the bows, checking things off the list, etc.) and doing many other tasks standing next to me. When they got sick of it, I said, "Well, how do you think I feel? If you want to cancel the holidays, let me know."

What about household chores? "Many hands make light work." Think of the things he expects of you (and while you're at it, look at the things your husband expects as well as the things your husband does on his own). Choose 1 thing that you want to teach him and have him take on for himself. For us, the first task my son took on was his laundry.

Don't overwhelm your son - but do pick something associated with the holidays (1 prep, 1 clean-up afterwards), and then a task for the coming 3 months. When that's done and second nature, add another one. And of course praise praise praise him, and increase his privileges.

Otherwise, yes, you're creating the next generation of unappreciative family members. Honestly, you want him going off to college fully functional! Kids with no skills about organizing, cleaning up, and doing things for others make terrible roommates and dorm mates. They don't adjust well because they expect everyone to do everything, from setting up their rooms to getting laundry done to talking to their professors about deadlines! It's our job to make them self-sufficient!

But for now, expediency was the way to go!

My son did a secret-Santa exchange in elementary school (4th grade, I think) and his level of involvement was what he wanted it to be. He was excited about it.

We went to the store and he picked out a couple of specific things, I suggested a couple more. I paid for it all. I wrapped the gifts while he wrote out the labels.

I assume your kid wanted to participate, since he wouldn't have been given a sheet had he not filled out one of his own. Part of the fun for kids is being an active participant in picking out gifts. Didn't he protest when you charged in to do it all? Or was he not really into it and just going along with everyone else? If my son had If he had come home and shoved the paper at me with a resigned, "We have to do this." and he didn't care about it, then I may have contacted the teacher to opt-out assuming it wasn't last minute.

In any case, don't overthink it. Your son's recipient will be pleased and that is the whole point anyway. You did just fine. :-)

Don't beat yourself up over this. You are not turning him into a helpless man just by doing it this year, but yes, next year I'd be sure that he does the shopping and wrapping and that he pays for it based on a budget he creates. We're not talking major endeavor of a budget here -- just "Set your limit, maybe $10 total, and we leave for the store in 30 minutes and will be in the store one hour."

Keep it fast and efficient. Next year, when he does something like a school gift exchange etc., set aside a brief and limited time to take him somewhere (dollar store, drugstore since they're practically department stores now) so he can do his own shopping. If you know the list in advance, be sure to pick a place that will have what he's seeking, so he doesn't get discouraged and you end up doing it all anyway at some other store. Have a bunch of inexpensive gift bags of different sizes (very cheap at dollar stores) and tissue paper already at home, so he can "wrap" the items in seconds. Done.

I totally get where you're coming from. I have a 13-year-old eighth grade girl, and between gobs and gobs of homework all weekend and huge tests on Mondays, and her activities which ramp up near the holidays, it can be hard even to say, "Let's go out for an hour on Saturday morning to get these gifts." It truly can! And we don't always get the chance for her to do her own shopping like I recommend here! But if your son knows what he needs in advance, you can find half an hour somewhere (that you've picked in advance, because you know better than he does that some items won't be at this or that store).

I see your larger concern; there are plenty of posts on MP all year long about "my husband who expects me to buy all the gifts for all his relatives" or "my husband/son who never remembers my birthday or grandma's birthday or any other occasion" and so on, so yes, there can be some guys who don't have these things on their radar (and some women too!). And there has been a lot written in recent years about man-boys who never got practice at thinking beyond their own needs. But you're not creating that just by doing this one year's task. Just enjoy this year, and next year, have your son do more of this, but set him up for success based on where you take him and on making wrapping less intimidating. In later years, you'll be saying, "Gift exchange? Set your budget and here are the car keys....

Wish you had thought of this before you did all the work. You could have had him do it.

It might seem "natural" for you to do this as his mother, but just like you have said here, you are keeping him from learning how to do it. You're also keeping him from learning to like giving presents.

If your taking over all of the things he needs to get done then that would hurt him in the future. I don't think helping him out during the holiday's is going to damage him. But in the future I would have him assist you so he will know what to do, get, etc. or have him do it and ask for help when needed.

I handle all the Holiday stuff for my family and my husbands too. And I am sure there are some men out there that handle all of it for theirs and their wife's families too.

I shopped for my 11th and 6th grader's Christmas exchanges. It is not that they are not capable it is just a really busy time of year.

Its good that you are thinking about this. I try to keep in mind the goal of raising my children to be independent, capable adults. You're doing a disservice to him and a future spouse who will likely not want to do things for him. I know I wouldn't want to handle gifts, wrapping excetera for my husbands family and mine. So, I am thankful that his mom raised him to do his fair share around the house.
Anyway, I think you are totally right, in that you were shirking the responsibility of teaching him to be capable.

I have a cousin who had a teen son living at home. I was visiting and hadn't been there before. When I asked her teen son where the glasses were he had no idea. I asked him if he did chores or helped in the kitchen and he said no, his mom didn't let him do that.

I was appalled. This young man is going to be someones husband some day and his wife would really appreciate him knowing how to rinse a glass our or even do the dishes and put them up.

I asked my cousin why she did this and she said "I love taking care of my family"...

There are extremes in every situation. Are you acting in an extreme way for them?