Am I the Crazy One?

Hi N., I have also experienced growing apart from my first husband, yes we eventualy got divorced. He also tried to get me to believe it was all my fault, that I knew nothing, was not a good mother and I did not know how to cook. We were married very young and none of these things were true. We too went to counselling once and he did not go again. I was told he said these things to try to feel better about himself. He had very low self esteem. About the stranger, I think you should follow you gut feeling about this. Don't know if this helps. Grandma Mary

Ok like everyone else, no you're not the crazy one, you're just being a good and responsible mom.

So 'cause I've been there (the counseling which let me tell you is really helpful if both are willing to work at it and hear some things you really don't want to hear...but that's another post) I have an idea. It will require some work on your part but maybe you can win this battle and have a good time all in one.

Research some local hotels, their prices and anything that might be interesting about them. Then find a restaurant that you would like to visit that you wouldn't mind sharing a meal at with both strangers (this guy and your hubby). If it's something that you are sure your hubby would like, make a reservation (you can always cancel). Not sure, write down a few suggestions. If you can convince your hubby to sit down and tell him how you thought about this and for the safety of everyone, including him, but mostly the children this guy needs to stay somewhere else. Tell him you've researched a few place (maybe even have a print out with links or you can email it to him right before the discussion) and the guy can stay there. Then offer to get a babysitter and maybe the 3 of you can go out to dinner since you are also sincerely interested in what this guy has done/produced.

This way you win...guy doesn't stay at your house, you get a date with hubby and get to have a conversation with someone you find interesting. Like I said, this will take some time and research. And maybe, just maybe, hubby will appreciate all the work you put into this.

I hope this works out for you no matter how you handle it.

~Kristal

Your instincts are correct and you should not deviate from your position on having a complete stranger stay w/ you. If he comes home with the guy, take the kids and stay with a friend, family or a hotel if you have to. It sounds like his judgement isn't that sound if he's willing to expose his family to a potential danger like that.

I agree that you should seek counseling on your own. Not just to address any of your own issues (as you percieve them or as he percieves them), but also to help you be able to sort out what you want from this relationship now, what you'll tolerate, and what you won't and then get comfortable putting together a plan for yourself.

If he won't participate in counseling, that's his problem, but it becomes your problem if you use that as an excuse to not attempt to understand and take care of your own (and your kids) needs. If he has you questioning your sound judgement on an issue such as this, then it seems to me that you can't allow the status quo to continue.

I wish you courage, strength and a happy outcome.

Chris

I don't think your the crazy one. It's great to be open but maybe you could invite him for dinner but not to spend the night with your kids in the house. Sounds like hubby wanted to tell you he was staying the night not ask and respect your feelings. Doesn't sound so healthy.

I agree with Jennee. Put your foot down and say NO. If that doesn't work and he insists, go to a Hotel if you have too.
Lock up all your assets.
You could also insist on a back round check and references. Where is this man staying now, does he have money for a hotel? What are his circumstances? Even armed with all that info, I still wouldn't allow him to stay.
Maybe you could meet your husband a third of the way and offer to have him over for dinner ONLY. Or maybe you could meet him somewhere, have dinner, a nice conversation and get to know him. If your husband is interested in a friendship with this person... isn't that how to begin. Not moving a stranger in. And make sure to remind him that that is exactly what he is a STRANGER. If he is here for business and will be leaving town soon he may be back and you can get together with him again soon. Your husband has to know that your children's and your safety are your first priority and should be his too... his feelings (about this situation) are your last.
You never did bring the homeless guy home, did you?

U have 2 choices.
1.Put ur foot down and stress the safety of you and ur young children.
2, Let "hubs" bring the man, but as he is bringing him in you and the kids are on ur way out to a relative's house for the duration of this man's stay.
U r not crazy. HE is.

No, N., you are not crazy at all. I am sorry that you are going through this tough time with your husband but please stand your ground and let him know that you are not going to allow the stranger in your home to stay. No, I don't agree with you leaving the house and staying at motel or hotel with your children. Don't go and sleep someplace else and you don't know if this stranger would be stealing or put cameras in your home without you knowing and etc. Sleeping in the rooms with your children while he's there, no. That stranger should not be there at all. It's your home and if your husband can't and doesn't want to respect you, then he needs to grow up and be a man with understanding that there are different opinions here and it's best to be safe than sorry. This stranger may be the nicest guy in the world, but still I wouldn't go that far even if you got to know him and he seems great. Many child molesters, murderers, pornographers, peeping toms, etc. are nice guys on the outside, we don't know what they are like on the inside or what they did in their past. I would stand on your ground and if he brings the man to stay, you can speak up, sorry you can't stay here. I have already told my husband and look at your husband and then say, we can all meet again another day to discuss your interesting adventures. We don't if he's a con man either, N.. Please stand your ground and remember, anyone who puts you down is not worth giving into because he's not matured enough and I wouldn't put up with being so down upon...there is no real love in that attitude and so disrespectful and your kids will pick up on that. Sons may end up doing that to you and his wife in the future and daughters hear it and expect it from a husband. Please e-mail us or me if you want to talk. I will pray for you that Jesus will give you Wisdom what to do and say and if you His Strength to get through this....IF you ask Him.

I would never let a total stranger stay in my house. I wouldn't let someone I knew pretty well stay over without keeping my child in my room with me. You can never be to cautious - too many psychos out there. You have made the RIGHT decision.

Keep trying to get your hubby to go to counseling if you can. But remember, he can only chnage himself and you can only do so much to accomodate him. Good luck!

N. you're not crazy!!! I don't blame you, I wouldn't like it if my husband was trying to move a total stranger into my house either. You have to protect what belongs to you and that's your children. Don't you ever feel guilty for that. This man could be crazy, you never know!!!

Girl stick to yr guns, he sounds more like the insane one, if he feels that generous tell him to put him up in a hotel or motel? you have kids he is totally nuts. Not for nothing you should seek to divorce that insane man, he doesnt sound like he has your best interest in mind.

well God bless

I don't think it's a matter of being crazy at all, neither you or your husband. You just have different ways of doing things. I wouldn't have a problem with the man staying at my place. He's probably quite interesting to chat with over dinner and breakfast. How long would he stay? Just a night? We have become a very paranoid and hospitable society. In many countries around the world people's doors are always open for strangers. There's even a website where this can be arranged before hand couchsurfing.com I think. Chances are the guy might be paranoid to stay with random strangers too!

BUT, that being said, if you don't feel comfortable with it, that's your right. You live there too. Another option would be for you to take the kids, have some fun and stay at a hotel. Sorry I have no idea how old they are but most kids love to stay at hotels with pools.

Have you Googled the documentary maker? I seriously doubt that he'd be interested in thievery or molesting your children. It would ruin his career.

I'm with you...no strangers in my house!

Good luck with your marriage. Maybe going for some therapy alone will help. It's really too bad that he won't participate. Sounds like you could work this out if you could just get on the same page. Maybe try a male therapist or even just suggest you talk together with another man that you both trust, just so there's someone there to offer an outside perspective and act as a referee if one is needed. God bless!

I am with you. NO WAY would I bring a stranger into my home with my kids.
Good luck,
J.

Ok N. I know you have gotten a lot of responses so what's one more. I find it interesting that your husband called to say he was "thinking" of inviting this guy to stay. As if he was just testing you for a reaction. Otherwise if he was so impressed with this guy he would of just invited him without asking you. Or perhaps in the conversation hubby was having with documentary guy, the guy hinted that he needed a place to stay and your hubby said let me ask my wife, knowing you would be sensible and say NO. Meaning hubby wasn't feeling too comfy with the thought either. That all aside of course you are not letting a stranger stay at your house whether you have children or not it's just not smart or safe. Secondly I agree with the other posts that hubby is looking for something perhaps wishing he had the courage to sail the ocean blue alone or jump from a plane. That is HIS feeling of inadquecy. You need a 3rd party to talk about your own stuff and hubby needs his own 3rd party and maybe you can meet in the middle. Hubby sounds just as lost as you do as to where to go from here, he's just the classic male putting it all on you because he can't express himself. Forget the documentary guy and get a baby sitter go somewhere neutral with hubby and ask him what he wants from your marraige and you be prepared to tell him what you want. Perhaps there is a starting point for the two of you. Lots of men feel they are lost in the shuffle once they get married, start a family and work to provide. They think the good times are over. But was he this interested in adventure and altruism prior to getting married, or is it an excuse for something he thinks he is missing in his life? Good luck. A. B

darling you are certainly not the crazy one.
I think that's we women tend to do..for the sake of our family, we probably tend to put us down. I do the same.
maybe a compromise in between ? dinner together ? or if it's difficult to arrange an evening out, why don't you invite him for dinner at your place ? I'm sure that if he is in town for business he has enough money to spend for an hotel room. this person should understand that you have a family with kids.
good luck and let us know how it went.
M. writing from Bali.

Wow! Sorry you are going through this! I think you are 100% right. As a mom, our children come first! Stay true to yourself and be convicted and let him know you are not comfortable with this - end of discussion. Easier said than done, I know. My hubby has the mentality that he is always right and usually tries to control everything that goes on. I try hard not to let him! Your hubby sounds a lot like mine. Refusing to go to counseling, etc. We were almost divorced in the beginning of this year. Somehow, we are trying to work it out, but things have become a little strained lately. Some days, I wish I was just alone, other days, I kinda like the companionship.
I wish you the best of luck. Hope things turn around for you soon. It's not fun living in relationship limbo!!!

Best,
Annie

I wouldn't say you're being overly cautious at all. Sadly, we don't live in a world where you can trust to let a traveling stranger come stay in your home... Even after talking to him if you say ok, he seems like a cool upstanding guy, you have kids in your home... and you just don't take those chances when there are kids. Lot's of crazies seem interesting and charming... that's the best way to get in. Not say that he is... but it's a chance you can't afford to take when your children aare involved. Good luck w/your marriage, I hope it all works itself out for the best.

You are not crazy! Your husband is wrong! Its your house too and you should make decisions as a team. If you are not comfortable with his idea, he should respect it instead of making you think you have a problem. I also think its abusive for him to try to make you believe you're crazy and something is wrong with you.

I was having communication problems with my husband this year. There was ZERO communication and he would sleep on the couch so he could watch TV all night. When I attempted to talk to him he always made me feel like I was annoying or nagging him. he would say, "Stop busting my balls, I'm tired". I was very depressed and unhappy. I never wanted to consider divorce, but I began to think about that possibility. I started to wonder how I could make it alone with 2 kids. I stopped trying to talk to him and he noticed that I was not eager to communicate and try to fix things anymore. I stopped calling him at work to ask about his day. I stopped answering the phone when he called during the day. So he started making more of an effort to talk. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted our marriage to work, but that I couldn't do it alone. I told him that I felt very lonely and that I was considering a life without him. That was a wake up call for him. I noticed a change in him after that. We are not 100% perfect, but I try to tell him I love him as often as I can and he does the same. I try to let him know that I appreciate things he does and he tries to do the same for me. We made a rule, no more sleeping on the couch. And now we have been more intimate as a result. He's a detective and I love forensic shows. So I try to build on that. we talk about his cases and about his work. We're doing better, but it's constant work. Its easy to walk away, but harder to stay and fight. Maybe you guys should try counseling again. what might be your husband's *wake up call*? I really wish you the best. please let me know how you are doing.

N., You are not crazy!!!! I would not want a stranger staying in my house either.
Sarah

N.,

You both have a responsibility first to your children's safety.

Finding someone on the internet, finding out they have children, and making something up totally would, in this day and age, not be unrealistic for someone to do - nevermind for someone to envision someone doing!

Good luck, and I hope we hear from you about this!
M.

After reading what you have to say:

Don't despair. I have a husband who could probably be your husband's clone.

I don't buy the 'all guys do this or that or just expect that, he's a guy'.

That being said, you can't change a person. Someone who comes to conclusions that rarely seem to even get a flyby at 30,000 feet from logic, is not a rare person.

My recommendation to you, d/t the fact that you are willing to make this work, and are looking for solutions rather than an expensive rearrangement of your life, is to institute a game night with him, and as much of the family is able to participate. Obviously a newborn isn't going to do much but sit there and be cute, but even a 1-2 year old can have a game that you can play with him/her.

Playing games is one of the oldest forms of therapy. That leads to my other suggestion. Chess. Playing chess helps lubricate the logic processes. Doesn't matter if YOU are good, just that you and he are willing to play. Even if you have a game on your dresser and you go back and forth all week with a counter that says who's turn it is.

Good luck,
M.

Read some more, and have to say - exactly - when it comes to vaccinations and other IMPORTANT life-altering decisions. You didn't mention anything about which way you decided, but that is fine. It's not that he defers to me, it's that he just prefers not to think further than what he believes about something. I so hear you when you say he suddenly believes something without doing the research and you said it first. Important part: the child is not harmed in the decision making process. If you are right, that's fine, but if you have to have everyone else realize you were right first....well, that's fine but also not realistic, because you have run into exactly the person who will not go beyond his own field of experience before he believes you.

I don't know exactly what it is called, but I call it a selfishness complex. Selfishly someone believes that until it has crossed their radar from someone else in their scope of experience, and then, their word becomes Gospel.

Autism isn't the only nightmare vaccines create - read up on Gardasil! Auto-immune and brain-immunity and how they are affected are just two more facets of what happens when you overwhelm an infant's immune system. Besides the fact that the whole vaccine thing works to undermine the immune system as a whole.

Good luck, but I wouldn't throw in the towel yet.

If that guy comes, get you and your children out. What kind of a man wants to stay with a family he's never met? You are not crazy at all on this one.

oh gosh...H..LL no for bringing a stranger into the house
you are NOT crazy
i don't know what the deal is with your husband. maybe midlife crisis? whatever it is, you can't allow him to put your kids in danger. do your best to be supportive and listen to his ideas, ideals, desires, goals etc but don't go too far forgetting who you are.
sometimes, divorce is the only option
good luck

N.,
let him have this guy stay with you... just humor him.. continue to humor him and go get the book "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin ... bear with it.. stay with it.. its a little "archaic" sounding and may put you off... as it did to me... but if you do what this book says.. not only will this guy NOT stay with you... but you will get your husband back in spades!!! Don't think.. just go to Barnes & Noble TODAY!! get the book... read it (don't tell him about it at all) just start doing what it says as it says it.. and let me know how it goes... I'm getting the world handed to me on a silver platter these days.. and its effortless!!! Go NOW!! this guy staying at your house isn't the problem.. its a symptom... GO!!
Good luck & lmk how it goes,
M. from Pittsford

N.,

My mother told me a story once.
She said a man was cheating on his wife, and wanted to leave her for the other woman.
Every day he came home from work and looked for something to complain about.
Even though they had children she kept herself in great shape. The house was always clean, his food, always on time, she gave him good loving and she had a great attitude. This made it difficult for him, so one day he sat down to eat, took a mouth full of food and yelled at his wife, "You put too much salt in the rice- I want a divoice!"

The moral of the story is that your problems are not about the man staying in your house (I would twist his ears first, before I let a stranger stay in our house without my approval. I don't even let some relatives over to my house), but that your husband is trying to use anything and everything as an excuse to find a reason to get out of his relationship with you.

It becomes about how you are not enough...
Kind enough, thin enough, sexy enough, advanterous enough etc.,

Don't let the negative energy that he is creating let you question yourself. Do what you know is right and use your spine to stand up straight. If you bend to much to his nonsense you will loose him and your self respect.

You are not the crazy one! Your husband has serious issues right now with you and he's not thinking clearly at all. You have to stay calm and keep reminding him that its not in the best interest of your children to have a strange man in the home. YOU MUST KEEP CALM though and remind him and try not to make it a power struggle. As for your husband. I am sorry things are as they are right now but the fact of the matter is - he has issues with you. You have issues with him and right or wrong neither of you are really listening to eachother b/c you are just HURTING from all of this. I've been there. It becomes a power struggle, it becomes defensive, it becomes hurtful and confusing. You both want something but you aren't getting it and the messages aren't being communicated or handled properly. Based on what you are saying he is not ready to make any changes and that is difficult however, YOU ONLY HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU so I suggest the best thing for you is to take care of yourself. You go to counseling or seek whatever support you need. You have to reach deep within and cut out all the FLUFF B.S. that is present. Listen to what he says to a point to see if there is any validity in it and fix what you can about yourself or at best learn how to live/deal with him. I'm not saying what he says or feels is right, but for whatever reason he feels it, just like you do about your issues so the only way to overcome them is to address them - even if you disagree. My biggest problem is when I disagree I become defensive and that is NO GOOD (sounds a bit like your husband) I also get angry and combative when I feel as if I have NO CONTROL and that my husband has it all (kind of sounds a bit like your husband too based on this stranger situation) Do you love him? I spoke to a counseler once and she asked me that. My answer was yes. At the time NO but deep down inside it was yes. She helped me to realize that my husband had his own issues and that it was good of me to have an open mind to be strong and secure enough to say well - he keeps saying this about me and while I don't agree, he obviously feels as he does so lets take a look at it. She gave me ideas on how to handle him and myself without sacrificing anymore of my sanity in the process. She helped to keep things clear too in my head b/c when things get like they are with your husband it is HARD to stay focused. I'm not saying you ARE doing anything wrong but what I am saying is clearly your husband and you both have issues and it takes TWO for a relationship to work. It takes compromise and serioulsy looking within yourself. You only have control over YOU! So take control of yourself. It may not fix everything b/c your husband had to take control of himself too but it doesn't sound like he is ready for that. Just by taking control of yourself though, the games shifts, YOU learn how to communicate better, fight better AND handle things better and that in itself can lead to a more happy ending and the possibility of your husband opening his eyes up to see - hey, she's got a point here. Fighting fair is important and necessary in having the fight result in something productive. Fighting is necessary in my opinion but when the issues get all twisted and beaten to death, the issues then just get lost. My counselor told me that too and I agree. I only spoke to her ONCE and I felt it had a very positive impact. There are times I've wanted to speak again but have been to lazy to be honest! The biggest question is to ask yourself - DO YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND - and if the answer is yes, then you have to fight and that starts within YOU. It takes two to work, it takes two to not work but it takes a smart confident woman to realize this and take control of HER self and situation if she wants to! Of cousre I want to be told I am right all the time and my DH is the only one with issues,but I know that not true - he definitley has MORE ISSUES than me, I won't totally give in - LOL - but I am looking at the big picture in our marriage b/c I want it to work. Sometimes it takes a simple little Hello kiss when he comes home at night and I swear I HAVE NO TIME FOR THAT BUT, hey, if its something I can change then I will. I don't suggest you just lose yourself though or be a push over in anyway - you have to both be partners and equals! Again - NO STRANGERS IN THE HOUSE THOUGH - HELLO I can't imagine anyone would think that was a good idea!

Hi N.,

My thoughts, for what they are worth are the following:

1. While you say it is not the main thrust of your post, it seems pretty clear that your husband is not interested in making any effort to make your marriage work or just to make it better. How do you feel about that? If your reason for not divorcing is because of the children, isn't that the very reason for him to put some effort into it? That would suggest that even the children are not enough of a consideration for him in that regard.

2. Your concerns certainly sound valid to me, though even if they did not, the point is you are uncomfortable having a stranger in your house near your children. Your husband's attitude and response clearly show a lack of respect for your feelings. Even if he does not agree with you, in order to live in harmony with another person, one needs to learn to respect the other person's feelings and, within reason, refrain from doing anything that the other person has indicated makes him/her uncomfortable. How long can you live and raise children with someone who does not respect your feelings? What message does that send your children?

3. Your husband says you and he are different. I would think so! How many of us look to marry our mirror image? How many of us can expect a marriage or any relationship for that matter to work if we cannot respect differences? There was a time that at least some of those "different" things about you that were different were attractive to him.

4. It sounds as though your husband does not take ownership or responsibility for anything in the marriage. He would rather put it all on you. If he wanted the marriage to work he would have to acknowledge that a marriage takes two. At a minimum he is part of the reason the marriage does not work.

5. In general I have found that with most if not all of my interactions I have to set boundaries that I am ready to enforce. Those boundaries are for me, not to change others, though sometimes subtle changes will result. So, for example, I might say I will not have complete strangers stay over in my home. If my husband, against my wishes brought a stranger into my home I might take the kids and stay by a friend, a relative or even in a hotel while that stranger was over. What other behaviors has your husband exhibited that are troubling to you? Can you set a boundary? Please remember that if you set a boundary you have to be ready to defend it (i.e. follow through with a consequence when it's breached, because he will breach at least one of them initially). Only set boundaries where you know you can follow through with a consequence, otherwise the other person gets the message that the boundaries are meaningless. If I am not ready to follow through then I wait until I am and only deal with the ones that I can defend.

Please feel free to disregard anything that you feel does not apply to or work for you.

Good Luck!

J.

Hi N.,

Stay with your gut feeling. This is not normal, and this man knowing you have children may just want to stay in your home for that reason. I would stand my ground and protect those little ones. Your husband will get over it, and if he does not then you know how important a stranger is to him then his own family. Nothing good could come out of this. I am talking from experience. Good Luck! :)

NO! You are NOT the crazy one.

Inviting the gentleman over for dinner is one thing, but unless you know him and are 100% comfortable with him around your children, offering him a place to stay is out of the question.

Oh you ARE justified my dear and in addition to that, your husband is acting even less like your partner because he didn't bother to CHECK WITH YOU before he offered. It is a simple case of consideration. There is no way I would risk my children. I agree it isn't that you are judging this man. You don't know him. He may be the most wonderful person in the world or he could be some serial killer looking for his next victim. How are you to know? You can't tell by just meeting the person and neither can your husband.

How long does he plan on the guy being there? Can you go stay elsewhere during that time? If your husband wants to put himself out there, that's up to him but I would absolutely take precautions for my children and me.

As for the other situation, I could be wrong but it sounds to me like your husband needs to grow up. He stopped going to counseling because she called him on the carpet for a few things? Wow. Guess he was mad she didn't just throw you under the bus since it sounds like that's what he THOUGHT was going to happen and was mad when he realized he was being questioned.

Don't let this guy beat you down any more. While you are trying to share his interests, what is HE doing to meet YOU halfway and be your partner in this?

Hi N.,
All I can say is HELL NO!!!!!! HELL NO to a complete stranger staying in my home, kids or no kids!!! But since you have kids it should be absolutely out of the question. That is just inviting unnecessary problems into your home. I don't allow acquaintances to stay over let alone strangers. There are plenty of hotels around or maybe the gentleman (who knows if he is one) has some friends he could stay with. It's not your job to put someone up, and what if he turns out to be a lunatic. Is your husband prepared to take that heat on himself. No convincing in the world should work in this case. If your husband is so gung-ho on spending time with him you should tell him they can stay in a hotel together.

As far as your marriage goes, I can say from experience that people sometimes grow apart. That happened to my ex husband and myself. We had nothing in common when we turned 30, and it came to a point where his breathing annoyed me. He couldn't deal with me either and we divorced. A few years later I remarried and all is well. We both have kids from our first marriages and it did affect the kids in the beginning. But I'll tell you this, it's better to be happy (and the kids do adjust and are happier for it) and go through some pain, then live in misery and unhappiness for many years to come. Believe me on that.

Go with your instincts, always
K.

I am on the same page as you - if he was living alone and brought home a stranger that is his issue but in this case he would endanger his family. It is easier for him to blame you for everything. I would go to a therapist just for yourself. Talk through what is going on and figure out what to do. When my marriage counseling was not working - I went to talk to someone and it helped me decide what I needed to do to be happy. I once asked my therapist - do you see nutty people all day and she said no - it is mostly very nice people who come in because they are being tortured by the nutty ones! Talk care of yourself!

Does it matter if you are the crazy one? I say that b/c obviously no - no one would think letting a man live in your house is a good thing. Likely your husband doesn't think that either - he's just looking for something. You are probably going to get a ton of responses that tell you you are right and that your husband is wrong, wrong, wrong.

But, I ask again Does it matter? The issue here is that you guys can't talk to each other. Neither one of you feels respected. He may not, objectively, think that a stranger living with you is a god idea, but he certainly has feelings about this that make him feel either this is the right decision, or he hopes for something different from you.

This isn't about letting him have his way b/c he wants it - it's about finding the way for you to communicate together and come up with solutions where you both feel respected, heard, and are positive in general. Whether this stranger lives with you or not is truly NOT the issue. It just feels like it today because that's what has come up. Tomorrow will be a different issue, or next week - but it all has an underlying problem in not communicating well from both of you in all likelihood.

I say this with a TON of experience. I am realizing how much more I want to write and will try to message you privately later if I am able to find some time. Suffice it to say for right now that my husband a I separated for a year (if I wrote all the things that happened and asked - "is it him or me that's crazy" hands down I would have 100 responses telling me how awful he was, wrong, etc, etc.) We have worked VERY hard to get our marriage back on track and it has taken a long time for me to realize - it's not the issue at hand. Because when an issue gets out of hand in any way - it's because of an underlying issue that one of us has with the other and now we try to get to the bottom of it. Yes - with a lot of therapy. Many may say that marriage shouldn't be this much work, but when I can sit at breakfast this morning and look at my 3 year old daughter and say "you have a wonderful daddy and you are such a lucky girl, and so is mommy" and MEAN it - it is ALL WORTH IT.

You obviously love each other - you are married with children and not looking for divorce. I hope you can find the help you need for your marriage. Just because counseling didn't work in the past doesn't mean it can't work now. Even if he goes on the pretense that he is going to help you see what you are doing wrong - it's ok. Find a therapist who can really help - they are not all the same!!!

PS- Read the book "A New Earth" by Eckhardt Tolle. Seriously - stop at the bookstore today and start reading it - it may take you weeks - but it is worth the time and really was a complete eye opener for me - and for my husband once he decided to give it a try.

No, N., You are not the crazy one. Nor is your husband. Men do things differently than women. Protect your children and yourself first. It is in my opinion better to be safe than sorry. If your husband's new friend is going to be in town for awhile,suggest to your hubby that he should stay in a hotel or rent a space and then you'll have time to get to know him. And maybe as time goes on, the offer to stay in your home may not be such a bad idea. Don't give in so easily. Good luck.

You are not crazy! Your job as a mom, and his as a father, is to protect your children. While this stranger may be kind and sweet, the point is HE IS A STRANGER. I would not let a stranger stay in my home. Stand your ground as it is your home too.

I am on the same page! You are not the crazy one, but I don't think your husband is either. He sound like he may be looking to fill some void in his life. I think you may benefit from some therapy without him. It sounds like there is a lot going on at home. We're here for you!

Tell him that if you really wants to help the guy get him a hotel room for the night but don't let him in your house until you know him better. Tell him what would he do if you met someone over the internet and invited him over its not much different than that. And let him see these emails so he knows your not crazy. But don't worry about him being a stranger hes not a stranger hes just a man and your a women don't over complicate it you'll be ok.
From H.

Stick to your guns about not having strangers staying in your home....

I get the feeling you want things to be right and happy so badly between you and your husband so you allow him to sway and question your own judgements....not good.

He has a lot of growing up to do...lots to learn about relationships and marriage and safety. He doesn't seem to respect you or does he seem to consider your feelings....and thinks manipulating you is the way to go...sure, much easier then working out his serious issues with a therapist....not good.

Get yourself into weekly therapy because you are worth the effort, time, and money...go without your husband...learn to hang onto yourself, your self respect and self esteem.... learn to trust your judgements again.

Great that you are trying to share in his interests...is he doing the same for you with your interests?

At some point, when you feel you are ready, sit hubby down and talk seriously about your relationship which you feel is growing apart...Let him know how you feel, straight out and honest..don't hide any of it....and since he thinks therapy is a waste of time and money for him...ask him what he's willing to do in working on your relationship with him. Let him know it can only work if both parties are working on it together. Stay on the subject...point no blame, gather together some ideas that will begin making a difference and actually put those ideas into action.
If he's not willing to work with you and nothing seems to be working...Ask him again to join you in therapy. If he still thinks it's a waste of time and money, start thinking about moving on with your own life....and let him know it..
Maybe when he hears his comfort zone (((marriage)))is over, he'll wake up and do the right thing to save the relationship....

Rent "Fireproof" and purchase the Love Dare Journal..you can find it online at fireproofmymarriage.com

As far as the hubby convincing you that you are the one with issues...been there, not doing it again. You have every right to be concerned with anyone staying around your children. Mom's seemed to be more animal like than the dad's.
I'd do a complete criminal background of this person and find out what you can. Could be a scammer/con trying to invade your less than happy home.

Nanc

First of all, you're not crazy. It is BEYOND reasonable to not want a stranger (especially a strange man) live in your house with your children.

Second of all, you both need marriage counseling. I know he doesn't want to, but perhaps if you go yourself, and ask him to come after a few sessions to "help you work on your problems" (i.e. don't put any focus at all on fixing his problems, or he will become very defensive), perhaps he will come. Sounds to me like he just doesn't support you and your decisions in any way, and that just isn't sustainable. I really wish the best for you, but if he cannot change, I think it's time, unfortunately, to seek a divorce lawyer. You just can't have a marriage if there's only one person involved in the relationship, and your husband just doesn't seem involved in your relationship.

You are not the crazy one.

Let him bring the man to the house but you and the children stay somewhere else while this guest is in town if your husband insists the stranger stay with you.

Get yourself some counseling. It would be a great benefit to you, your children and your marriage.

I have to tell you... your husband sounds like a teenager in search of excitement. I would not let some stranger sleep over, if your husband insists then you and the kids leave!!! There are too many crazy things on the news, and how can he, as the man of the house, not worry about the household security??? It doesn't even sound like the mystery man asked for a place, and seems your husband just wants to offer the house on his own. I just don't get it, and you are in the right here. As for him doing a good job making you feel like you're always at fault, well you need to be stronger. Perhaps going to therapy alone will at least confirm that you are right, and move you closer to a decision if he doesn't shape up. Good luck to you.

N., first of all, go with what your gut is telling you about letting this guy stay at your house. With an already strained marriage, this could make it much worse not to mention the other possibilities of having a stranger in your home. He could be wonderful, but your gut is telling you something. Don't ignore it.

I'm sorry to hear about the distance that's between you and your husband. I wish I could have some advice on that one, but I don't. It sounds like you're trying and he's not interested in that right now. Some men just think that things should work themselves out. We both know it doesn't work that way. Best of luck to you. Just follow your heart. You are not crazy at all.

L.