Annoyed All the Time

J., I see that you have a ton of responses here and I hope you find them helpful. I am not a big book pusher, but when I was going through a hard time after the birth of my second child, I read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It was an eye opening experience and I have since recommended to a number of friends. You might find it helpful too.

Good luck getting through this period...

M

I think you are feeling like you need more than just being a mom and wife. Explore an outside activity like volunteering or taking some classes to get out of the house a little.

DEAR J. maybe some counseling would help. Maybe a job that you do out side of the house for a couple of days a week. or volunteering. I dont know but maybe you take things out on him . Maybe the two of you need to talk more go out on dates. find only positive things to say and if he does not do things the same way you do donT say any thing negative. well good luck S.

Hi J.,

I felt this SAME way before. I loved my hubby, but it got to a point where everything he did was wrong, or not the best way. It was hard to even give him eye contact. He irritated me with everything he did. Thankfully, all that is behind us now.

Like you, when I realized the impact this was having on our marriage, I made it my MISSION to try to change it back. I made a list of everything he did in 1 week to bother me. That list was full in the first day! The problem is, on the 2nd day, I realized that the problem was mostly me, and that I was "nit-picking" and LOOKING for things he did wrong. It was like I was "setting him up to fail"... Then I "switched" positions with him, and began to write a list of what I thought HIS complaints would be, to be fair, of course :O)

The reality of thinking that his list wasn't as long, and that his complaints about me were actually "justified" compared to my silly complaints about him, got me to understand that this was MY ISSUE, and I needed to let him know that I realize it, can't explain it, but I'm working on changing it.

The first thing I did, was talk to him. I told him, "I don't know why.....but I take 90% of the responsibility and I just want it fixed. Please be patient while I work on my own personal self"......He said "OK", without any questions asked. My husband KNEW I was struggling, yet I NEVER had asked him to help me before.....and when I did, he was all happy to help. Help do dishes, help me go to the store alone, help me more with the boys, or whatever.

To be "fair" I asked him if I could do anything for him in return, and he said, "No, let me just help you right now".... It felt really good to be reminded of how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy.

If you were like me, then you are feeling a little "depressed" in your life, it's the same thing over and over, with the same little problems. It's time to "shake it up" and change it up. It's time to do 1 thing for you per day. For me, it was 15-30 minutes of reading, while my son napped. It was AMAZING how much better I felt after I made time for myself. At first, I felt guilty about all the things I COULD get done while I was reading, but I did it anyway.

J., unfortunately, I believe most of us new moms and wives go through a period of "balancing" our perfect lives, only to discover that we put everything and everyone else BEFORE ourselves. In other words, I created my own stress. I TRIED to have the perfect schedule, I TRIED to have the routine, I TRIED to have it all, and I TRIED to be happy with it all, but it left me unhappy and "nit-picky" & bitter because I thought nobody (meaning my husband) understood what I was going through and the sacrifices I made.

I had to figure out how to balance it all......

There IS NO BALANCE if you are not happy. You need to find something for yourself to do. There IS time during the day, even if you switch it with a load of laundry! :O)

As I write this and look back when I had this trouble, all I had to do, was reach out to my husband and tell him I needed his help because I was overwhelmed. If I had done that first, then I would've save us alot of "darts and daggers" :O)

Today, my husband STILL drips his over-flowing cup of coffee around the house, only now he tries to clean it up and he pays to have carpet cleaner's more often :O) He still doesn't "think" like a mom, but our boys love him just the way he is, and now that I've relaxed, I love him ,too.

I hope something in my story is something that you can relate to, and can help you identify what would work best for your situation.

My thoughts will be with you in the upcoming weeks...

~N. :O)

Good for you! I commend you for taking responsibility for your own behavior and not blaming your husband in anyway. I’m sure he isn’t perfect, but ultimately the only control you truly have is over your own behavior. You also sound as though you truly want it to work, so take charge!
I know it sounds simplistic but honestly, CHOOSE the change. Start small. Purposefully look for something good in him everyday, concentrate on that and be thankful for it. This will help you change your focus from the anoiances to the positive. Then add to it - Ask yourself “What can I do today that will make life better for him today” and purpose to do that without expectation of any thing in return.
If you are a reader, try “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger or “The Love Dare” http://www.bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/.
If you can weather this storm, your marriage and your friendship with your husband will be stronger for it.
Email me if you need to vent or want more encouragement. I can get very passionate about it.
Hang in there. Best wishes!

As someone who has been married 24 years (18 to one husband, 6 to the second) I can tell you that ALL marriages go up and down. We have this illusion in our society that we have to be "in love" to be happy. No, real love comes with work, acceptance, forgiveness, respect and trust.
There are a few books I would recommend that may help get you through this rough time.
"The Four Seasons of Marriage" by Gary Chapman is the first...here is a link to show you what it looks like...http://www.fourseasonsofmarriage.com/
Gary Chapman is religiously based but even if you aren't a Christian what he has to say is valid.
"Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger, http://www.amazon.com/Proper-Care-Feeding-Husbands/dp/B00... is another. If you are a feminist it will make you grit your teeth into dust. =) BUT, again, read it with an open mind. Anything that can make you look at your marriage with a different eye is worth giving a try.

You don't say how old your children are, for them it is well worth trying to make your marriage work. I can tell you that as bad as things can seem within a marriage divorce can be even worse, especially for the kids. Talk with your husband about really making an effort to work things out AND agree that if things can't be worked out that you will try to stay agreeable for the children.

J.,

I would reconsider a separation unless you are poised to work, struggle and see your kind husband find someone very nice and appreciative and somelse have your son you love on alternating weekends.

Motherhood and marriage are sleep and energy drainers..Find time with him and look at all he does do and is and look at yourself and what is truly bothering you. Are you back in shape, have time for your self, friends, outlets and time with him alone?

Give that some thought. And Yes to the many books and thyroid exams. Took me several doctos and a specialist find the hormone deficiencies.

If your behavior is your shame, imagine what you are modeling and how you can change it for your self, husband and child.

Hello J., I was with my husband 40 years prior to his death recently. I say to my children "We loved well, We fought well, We supported one another and We made one another crazy." I have told my daughter in laws and yes son in laws, that the most priceless gift you can give your family is to love, appreciate, and be kind to one another. Sounds like your husband has a lot of compassion.
I hope that you will seek a couples class, or group of some kind so you can figure out what is going on before you both loose out. Maybe you resent his getting out in the world and being with people-- if so think about getting a part time joband doing something. If you have a special interest then develope it even more and see if you can donate time to your local elementy school. This will be enriching for you and the others at your school. There are people at your local church that need visitors for the elderly, ill, disabled, uneducated, and the list goes on. So check out that avenue.
I am an unhappy wife because my husband is not here. But you need to understand yourself and why and what you feel. You are the only one that can change your mind, heart, feelings. I hope that you can work this out before you loose the man that loves you. I can tell that there are many women out therethat are looking for agood man to be involved with. SO BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT MESSAGES YOU SEND OUT.
I wish you well, and pray that you will make this work, because the next one won't either. Nana G/ Glenda

First of all, you are brave to seek help for what is bothering you & looking for help before things get out of control. You have a resounding arsenal of help here!
I can tell you from experience that separation should be an ABSOLUTE last resort. If you suggest it out of the blue, you will blindside your husband. My husband did that to me 3 years ago & it made things so much worse. My daughter is only 4 & watched her dad leave, come home, leave & finally come home to stay - roller coaster in nature. He was the one who was annoyed & having the hard time. (I am only saying this because I have been on the other side of where you are too - not that I HAVEN'T felt the way you have though!) Her behavior made me wonder how much was her age & how much was the situation with me & my husband & it hurt me so much to have her go through that. It hurt all of us to some degree. The addage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" doesn't mean separation...it means take time for you separate from your child, separate from your hubby.
The counseling (individual & marital) helps a great deal for sure. It also sounds like you need to not only take time for only you, but to take time to BE with him (without the child) - having children changes so much that you may both live in separate worlds - changing separately instead of together. One thing I have found that helps me look at myself and change my perspective on a lot as a wife is a book called The Power of the Praying Wife. The other thing that has helped my marriage immensely is Fireproof - both the movie & the couple's kit. The Fireproof has helped my husband & me to positively open the lines of communication to better understand each other, our needs, our wants, our dreams & hopes...Even if you aren't strong in religion or a believer at all, the principles are still very applicable & extremely useful. One last book that has helped a lot is The 5 Love Languages.
Good luck!

It sounds like it would be helpful to get some therapy with a good psychologist or social worker to understand what is driving your behavior. My experience is that you may have some underlying resentment toward your husband - people are often unaware of this emotion, and it can cause behavior we know is wrong but can't control, even if we want to. Good luck.

A little about me: Child and adolescent psychiatrist married 21 years to a supportive husband; two children, a 19 yo boy and a 12yo girl. Practicing 18years.

I think when we are younger we tend to expect our spouse to be like we are... unfortunately, it is called "controlling." I used to be your way until my (late) spouse died and after that, I had something bigger than life to compare all the other stuff to and no longer was that way.

I think that maybe you could get some counseling... or you could just tell yourself, like I did, that all the stuff your husband or your kids or whomever does is small stuff and just hold your tongue. Learn to think more positive and look at whatever your husband does to help out as a positive thing and be thankful that he does it even if it is not up to your standards. Believe me, life is way too short to be nitpicking. Give him that extra hug and kiss and tell him you love him and accept him for him and learn to appreciate what he does.

Hi J.,
As a family therapist I would say first, make sure you're getting enough 'adult time' away from your child. Nothing makes a person crabby like being an on-demand parent 24/7 for days on end! Next, take time to notice what you love about your husband and tell him. The more you focus on the positive, the more it will come to mind instead of the negative. You might read te book 'Love Is Never Enough' b Aaron Beck-- it's an easy read and very enlightening. Good luck!

I like the response that said that you don't need to know why before you can change, that needing the reason first is a cop-out. Of course, knowing why would be helpful, but I DO think it is possible to change behavior patterns without knowing the causes.

There is a reason they are called "partners"---we are supposed to be working together with them as a team of two.
You already know you have a good partner. You just need to start working with him. Not to sound too sporty, but try to step outside of yourself and think what the coach would tell a player who acted on the field that way you do at home. (you have probably seen a movie like that)
Visualize yourself in a crisis situation. If your house burned down, or your mother passed away, or you had a serious illness---who do you want to be there with you? I'm guessing him. And if he is there with you, are you going to snap at him about forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge, or are you going to hold him tightly?

Go to that place when you anticipate feeling annoyed...Try living inside that crisis point for a while, and you should find that your priorities start to shift dramatically.

I have no experience really to offer, but I have an idea for you. Don't sit around trying to figure out WHY. You see a pattern - that you say negative/critical things to your husband. So change the pattern. You do this by shutting your mouth. Stop talking without thinking. Your new goal is to say only positive/neutral stuff. JUST DO IT. You must have some self control - USE IT! Your husband sounds good. Emulate him. Find something complimentary to say even if you are feeling pissy. JUST DO IT. But don't use the excuse of needing to know WHY you act the way you do before changing it. I really think it's just an excuse. (I;ve been guilty of it myself!)

J.
give therapy a try. Your marriage is worth it and it's amazing how good therapists can help troubled couples pick up the pieces and come back together.
J.

J., you sound like you're on the path I was on for awhile. I went to my doctor and discovered that I was very hypothyroid. Once I got my hormones regulated, I was a much happier, pleasant person, more even tempered, patient etc. I have more energy now and my hubby and I just celebrated our 22nd anniversary.

Talk to your doctor, this may be biological, not just attitude. Good luck.

Do you ever get a sitter and go out together? Do you ever get time for yourself? Do you ever go out with your friends?

When you become a mom (esp. SAH) it can feel like you loose your freedom but nothing changes for the guy, this can cause resentment.

or

How old is your child? Could it be hormones?

I would definitely speak to your doctor. What you are describing can be a sign of depression/anxiety. I used to feel/act the exact same way before I figured out what the problem was and got on some medication (Lexapro) to help....I could not believe how much better I felt and how much more patience I had with things that bothered me so easily before. It may be worth a try to save your marriage...Hope this helps.

you are not alone!!! stick with it and tell him you want him too also!! it is so easy to feel this way when they are young and i know it gets easier. my partner and i struggle with this all the time and the best thing we did was go to group therapy for a solid year. we learned new tools to level the playing field, learn to communicate, and have reasonable expectations for the other. i do not think you should blame yourself as if you are the only person involved in this relationship. give each other responsibilities to behave appropriately and to require that the other does so as well -- what are the games going on that perpetuate this cycle? know that the problems you bring to this relationship will not leave if you separate from this man. they will always be with you until you learn to change your actions.

Dear J.,

When most couples start talking about a "trial separation", they divorce. Thus I don't believe separating from your husband will help resolve your problems.

However, you might consider getting a job that will separate you from your house 8 hours + each day and give you exposure to new things and new people and bringing additional income into your household.

You might be unhappy because you are simply board. Everything you describe about your husband indicates he is a good man.

With the holidays just about here, you will be able to get something either full or part-time. Some of the jobs will be temporary, so you could see if doing this will make a change in your relationship.

Blessings....

Dear J.,

My husband and I went through a similar thing even before we had kids. What worked for us was to do things both apart and together that we enjoyed. I started running again (which I had stopped after we married and moved) and he started going to the gym again. We also made time to go to the movies and to go out each with our own friends. This way, we had time apart but were not separated. I think that there is this expectation we put on ourselves that our spouses should be EVERYTHING to us: best friend, lover, person to fix our problems or listen without offering opinions. With our first baby, some of our old ways came back again, but when we started making time for ourselves again, it was back to normal, and much better.

I think that if you hire a sitter or trade babysitting with a friend or somehow get some time without your child, you will be able to work it out without separating. Just take time for YOU and for your couplehood... and like the others said, don't feel guilty about whatever you SHOULD be doing. Do something you like to do. Good luck!

I just picked up a book called "Getting to 50/50"
http://www.gettingto5050.com/

I think that these authors might suggest that your mood may be stemming from being a SAHM. I don't know, I was starting to get that way myself...but recently went back to work (i.e. 2 days ago) after 3 years of trying to conceive and then taking care of my daughter. I feel better about myself and together, we feel better as a couple tackling our challenges. This may not be your issue at all, but I encourage you to examine whether you are feeling undervalued as a SAHM and whether going to work may help shift things a bit. Good luck!

I'm sorry you are feeling this way and can understand. How about couples therapy and single therapy for yourself? I feel that separation could lead to divorce so I'm not sure I would recommend that. Maybe take some time out for yourself with some friends or enjoy some hobbies for yourself. Good luck. I wish you the best!

I'm there with you (all except for the part of separation). There is so much good advice here. I think very highly of my husband, but he does irritate me a lot, and I know it's really about me and my unhappiness. I think Nicole's spoke to me the most. And I do agree with most of the postings that said no to separation. The two of you need to get closer not further apart. One thing I do do to help me is take time for myself, which my husband is very supportive of--I do book clubs, gym, meet monthly with ladies from my church and other me time things. I know I feel kinder and gentler toward my husband when I have time away. Know you are not alone in your feelings. Thanks for making the posting.

So much great advice here. I second the recommendation for the Dr. Laura book. Her style can be hard to take at first I admit and I was shocked when I actually liked her book. Wow, she has some good points. It'll have you see things in a different light. Another good book is "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley Jr.
Best wishes to you.

J.,

Counseling for you may help as well as couples counseling--- I would apologize to your husband for treating him this way and make a list of all the things that you do love that he does. When you start to nitpick or say something unkind, remember those wonderful attributes he has. Count to ten in your head, breathe and remember no-one is perfect or should be expected to be. I would also take some "me" time-- it sounds like you are overwhelmed and need a break! Don't we all!! :) Take some time for you and then see if you can reconnect your relationship with your husband. Good luck!!

Molly

I feel like that too most of the time. I think its mostly a feeling of being overwhelmed with what we moms always have on our minds. I know its a combination of anxiety and depression. Mine is due to the loss of my mom and best friend and not really ever dealing with it. Whatever it may be for you you should definitely see a doctor and don't stop until you get help. You shouldn't feel ashamed but you should feel good that you have realized it and you are moving in the right direction. Your husband sounds like one that would be very supportive but don't give up.

Hi J.,
I'll make this short and sweet, I recommend picking up one or two of Dr. Laura Slushenger's books, one is "the proper care and feeding of husbands" and the other is "the proper care and feeding of marriages". Both books talk alot about the make up of men and how MUCH they differ with women, but how women are way to quick to bail or blame them. I'm only 32, married for a few years, with two little kiddo's but I started listening to Dr. Laura about a year ago and she's very old school in her thoughts, which is nice these days as everyone seems to be so anti-man. These books have really reminded me of how much men do for their families and what my role should be. Also they tell you that men just work differently on the outside, but feel exactly the same as we do on the inside and we need to address that. So good luck, please don't seperate, your child will suffer, just work on you and your man, it'll get better. If you wanted to listen to Dr. Laura before any purchase, she's got a website and is on AM radio daily from noon to 3pm on 650am. Best wishes, C.

Hi J.,

Do you know what you are annoyed about? How are you sleeping at night? Do you take supplements? If you can give me some updates I may be able to help you figure it out.

I am a wellness consultant.

Be patient.

Have a good evening.

N. Marie

J. - you have already taken the first most important steps to fixing this situation. 1) You acknowledge that your attitude/behavior are a problem and 2) You are asking for help. You CAN change the atmosphere in your relationship. Before you separate, I would very highly recommend any book by Susan Page - most recently is "Why Talking is Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions that will Transform your Marriage". It all boils down to "Love" as a verb. You can observe your own behavior and reactions to situations, and the actively CHOOSE to behave differently. You can take steps to make sure your own needs are met, making you less reliant on someone else (i.e. your husband) to make you "happy". These ideas were absolutely transformational for my marriage (together 15.5 years, married for 8!, mom to 2 boys, age 1 and 3). I still refer to this text occasionally when I feel the need for a reminder to be my best self. If you would like, I would be MOST happy to send you my copy - just send me an email. Best of luck to you - I know you can do this. You've already begun the work!

Go to your doctor. You didn't say how old your child is but it sounds like you are suffering from a little bit of depression. I had the same problem and my doctor put me on a SRI (Paxil) and it literally saved my marriage. You might not need meds but do some research on depression. Depression doesn't always present as the standard weepy, tired, depressed symptoms. It can also present with angry, snippy, generally unhappy symptoms. Good luck

T.

J., you didn't mention how old your son is. If he's in school, you should try some volunteer opportunities to broaden your horizons. Try a soup kitchen, maybe. I know when my son was a teenager and volunteered at one, it completely changed/improved his view of the world and his place in it. He realized how good his life was despite the hardships we had at the time. Or a senior center would be good for that as well. If your boy is still a toddler, make an effort to reach out to other moms and organize play dates or coop babysitting to give you some free time for "you time". You have to feel good about yourself to be good to others. Best of luck to you; I hope everything works out well for you.

Hi J.,

I have been where you are.

I was also at the doorstep of a separation/divorce.

It seemed it was over, and nothing could change it. I wish I could tell you everything but it would be too lengthy. In a nutshell, God restored my marriage, with the help of the Bible, these two books below, and prayer. I prayed outloud for my husband. And asked him to pray outloud for me. Boy, prayer DOES change hearts!

I want to reccomend two books. One for you and one for him.

For him to read: "What no woman can resist - Gary Smally

for you to read: "Sacred Influence, what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants".

Then of course, after you'll want to read the book that the other read about you!

I think all the suggestions other people have made are excellent, and I think you have a really good chance of fixing your marital problems, primarily because you are not at all defensive about your contribution to the problems. Before you try a separation, try what Nicole recommended-- making an honest list of how you annoy each other --- and try taking a little more of your own space in the marriage, and if you still need to, try a couples counselor. Save the trial separation for the last resort. It sounds to me like your marriage is well worth saving!

This is how I felt (exactly) after the birth of my children. I didn't think it was Postpardum, because I wasn't crying all the time and having bad thoughts about my children. I talked to my doctor and he said he thought it was and put me on a low dose of Zoloft and it made a world of difference. It takes a few weeks to work, but I felt happier and had more energy and felt positive about my husband again. I think you should talk to a doctor before you consider separation that would have huge ramifications on your marriage and child. Try something more productive like counseling as well- anything is better than separation.

Dear J.,

Frankly, I don't believe in separations and divorce. Have you even considered the financial ramifications of a separation and divorce? Or the effects on your son? I suggest that you see your doctor (just to make you're okay physically) and then see a therapist. Every marriage hits rough spots (like "I can't stand that man!:)). However, this will pass, especially if you get a little help. There is a lot of good advice below. You will be able to change this feeling. Don't forget to tell him you're sorry you behaved like this.

Take care,

E.

Hi J., As with so many other responses I have been in the same position. It took me awhile but I realized it wasn't depression, we didnt need couple couseling or anything like that because the problem mostly lied with me. I dont know what your life was like before becoming a SAHM but it is not an easy adjustmnet to make. I too found that I was nit-picking my husband about e/thing and e/thing he did was wrong. My son is 9 now but in the very beginning I was annoyed that my husband got to leave the house and go to work everyday and I was home. My life became such a rut. As my son got older and certain things became easier with him I still found that on so many days I would think to myself "Is this all there is?". It seemed like all I did was cook, clean, sweep, do laundry, take care of a young child, etc etc etc (I think you get the picutre). Then oh my gosh when I finally got in bed at night if my husband reached for me I would think to myself "You've got to be kidding - I do everything and you do nothing and now I have to do this too!". It wasnt true that my husband didnt do anything of course, as he did alot, but it was just different than what I did. He was just happy to come home from work and see his wife and son, it didnt matter to him if the house was messy, or if I was still unshowed and in sweats, or all we were having for dinner was hamburger helper cuz I didnt feel the desire to make anyting else.
He was just happy to be home with us. I was miserable tho and it took me awhile to figure out that not all needs to be perfect. Working everyday, prior to having my son, I was always thanked for my efforts and felt appreciated. A toddler certainy isnt going to tell they appreciate all you do. Feeling almost unreconginzed at home and becoming the CEO of the household and taking care of and worrying about EVERYTHING was almost too much for me to handle. I was in a rut and I was miserable. Dont get me wrong - my husband did appreciate what I did but I wasnt seeing/feeling it due to me, not to him. He used to tell me I seemed miserable and I would attempt to re-assure him that I loved him but was just unhappy. For awhile it seemed that I lumped my son and husband in the same category of not doing anything right and not being able to do anything for themselves. I tried to do everything as I thought that is what was expected being I was now the one staying home. I tried to become supermom/superwoman and was putting way too much pressure on myself. When I went back to work two days a week when my son was 2 years old i figured it would get better as I was now out of the house doing things besides mom and wife duties. It didnt at first because besides doing everything at home i had less time to do it in and many days as i said above I found myself thinking "is this all there is?". My eye opening experience was asking my husband one day to wash a load of towels cuz lord knows he couldnt/didnt notice on his own that the hamper was overflowing with towels and they needed to be done. When I came home hamper was empty and towels were folded and put away. Two days later I went into the hall closet for someting and saw the way my husband had folded the towels and put them away. Certainly not the way I would have done it and once again realized I just needed to do it all myself so it gets done right as my husband doesnt seem to know how to do anything. I know this might sound hard but it is what I was feeling at the time. As I closed the closet door and walked away it hit me that this was such a minor thing and I needed to ease up. Who the heck cares how the towels are folded and put away anyway? It made me finally realize that I was being way to hard on my husband and the important things in life are that we have a roof over our heads, food in our belly, and love for each other.
It completly changed the way I feel about things and I no longer stress about everything and feel that everything needs to be perfect. I have quit nagging my husband. My husband and I bring different things into the relationship and do different things for the relationship. One is no better than the other - they are just different. I am not saying it was all a piece of cake from there because it wasnt but it was certainly better. I think many of us struggle with our new roles as SAHM. I know I did. I was too ashamed to admit it to anyone because to me it seemed liked everyone else had it all together. I finally one day confided in a friend how I was feeling and she admited the same thing. It helped us both to have someone to talk to about it and know that we were not the only ones feeling all of this stuff. Another big help for me was when my son started school as then you have time alone in your day for you. Even tho on many of those days I would just be at home cleaning etc I was alone without any interruptions. I could talk on the phone, go to the grocery store, etc without being interruppted and I found it such a relief. I just looked up and realized I have written a novel. I apologize for going on and on. I guess I just want to end this by saying before you go to the doctors looking for medication to take and things of that nature, take a moment, and sit back and take a good look at things and try to determine how much of it you are bringing on yourself. And ya know what else J., I dont think it matters who we live with full time (room mate, sister, mother, new husband) they are always going to do things that bug us!! Ya know what I mean?
Of course my husband still is not perfect - but neither am I. Try to enjoy your life for what you do have and not nit-pick about all the unimportant stuff as you will be better for it as well as your relationship. My best to you, K.

Might be worth checking out the thyroid, as the other mom suggested. Being hypothyroid can definitely affect your mood, as I well know, and can be easily treated.

I think a separation is a bad idea. It will cause a lot of trauma to your child, and your child will then act up, which will further the stress and annoyance.

I, too, am often annoyed with my husband, as I would guess are many or most of the other moms on this site. Maybe more often annoyed than not. Guys can be just kind of annoying to us women. However, I believe we choose our emotional responses to situations. If we sit around and dwell on someone's negative traits (and we all have them), we can annoy the hell out of ourselves. Or we can choose to think positively, and dwell on our husbands' positive traits. I know your husband has positive, non-annoying traits. Since you have to stay with this person for the good of your child (and you do, you will shatter your child's life if you split up), why not make it as good an experience as possible?

I hate to quote Dr. Phil, as he's become very tabloid-y in the past couple of years, but one of his best aphorisms is, "Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?"

Don't think you're likely to find another guy who won't annoy you after a time.

By the way, you have received AMAZING advice from the other moms. Listen to them all.

I know it's tough, but even if you don't feel like it try to always behave in a loving manner towards him. The feelings don't have to be there for the actions to be there, and the feelings will follow if you keep at it!

I would avoid separating - you three need to be together as a family! You can get through this - think before you speak or act. Also talk to him - tell him that you love him and hate what you are doing to him and that you are working to change and you are so thankful for his support despite your behavior. Make sure he knows that you appreciate him and that you are working to make it better - and then MAKE IT BETTER! :)

J., I have been were you are now. And I about lost my marriage. The most simple things you can do is choose to be nice. Choose to be happy. Greet your husband with a hug and a kiss and tell him how proud you are of him that he goes out and makes money and allows you to be a SAHM!! Start with doing nice things. You are the only one that change the momentum and love in your marriage.
Read the Proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura. Yes, Dr.Laura. Or the the Proper care and feeding of marriages.
It has helped me greatly and put my focus back where it should be. On my husband and my marriage.
If you need to email me, I have been there and getting back isn't fun and it isn't easy but you have control to do that. It's a choice.
T.

I have been married for 23 years and I have found that spending alone time with the husband every day has been the best thing to do. I give him an hour(min)every day after he gets home from work to talk about his day(it may not always be interesting, my husband is a welder, but I heard all about it) and my day with the kids and the events of the day. It became such a common thing that the kids know mom and dad are not to be bothered during that time. (They also know that is when I will tell daddy about anything they have done that needs further disapline from him, so they actually act better for me) It is not an intimate time, just a time to communicate and focus on each other. When the kids are young, put them in a crib or playpen, when older just let them play in the other room. make that a time to put the tv program on or video. but you get to enjoy each other and the time spent together is priceless. It keeps relationships happy. Communicate....men are not mind readers. You already recognise that the problem is you. So fix it. Your marriage is worth it.
Power to you !

JILL_
Don't separate- get yourself some help, please! I have this same attitude- or had for a long time, and I agree- if it were my husband I would not have allowed it for a minute! BUt let me tell you, I have gone to some counseling, I have done some very strange art therapy, and I have changed my diet. I will say it is an excruciating process, but it works.
This may seem too personal, but are you on birth control? It made me into a mad woman, and I was not worth being around. Then as far as diet goes, soda and an many refined sugars as you can get out, get out. Stop drinking juice, and leave yourself open only to tea, water, and milk. No diet drinks.
Therapy- I did some very interesting art therapy- it was strange to say in the least, but it helped. I did some yoga and meditation and ended up with a home video of earth balance yoga that really relaxes me. I also find that the amount of organization in my life is a pretty huge factor in determining the amount of irritation. I also recommend seeing a faith based counselor- first, ask your husband to go and talk to them so he can give them his side- he may be at a total loss. Then go see them and tell them what's going on with you. THEN, both you and your husband go together, making it a deal that the two of you will be non judgmental, you will listen to both sides, and you will try to do what the counselor recommends.
Lastly, look at your hormone levels. See an herbalist, and do everything you can (it will take a few months- ask your hubby to help you, because you are more in need than ever)to improve your health. If NONE of the physical helps show any improvement, then go to a doctor and see about some medication for mental health.
I know it seems like a lot, but I also know that when I stick to a healthy lifestyle, eat right, and organize myself, I have more fun and am not irritable with my family, with my nephews, with everyone in general- AND I am much more pleasant to be around.
I hope this helps and I wish you luck.
-E. M

Have you had a thyroid test recently? My thyroid has been out of whack since my daughter was born almost three years ago, and more recently since the doc adjusted my mess, irritability is an understatement. Depression, irritability, fatigue, and other such things are symptoms of thyroid problems, as well as some birth control side effects. My sister in law tried one one the new pills and finnally linked the extra irritability to when she started the new pill.
Something to think about anyway.

your tired and stressed, if you want it done right you should just do it yourself right? Is that how you feel sometimes toward him? I have been there and knew very well the way I was treating him. I knew I was in the wrong, but didn't know why. So I chose to hold my tongue and be patient. Be patient mostly with myself. Coming up quickly with a nice response, saying thank you to him when he does things for you makes a world of difference. They feel good that they helped to take some things off of your load and so they want to do it some more. i thought separation would help too. But I didn't go that route. I knew it was what the enemy would have liked me to do. I did know that it was more time we needed with each other. And not the kind of time where you two are both in the house, but doing other things. you need quality time, even if you have to put the kids to bed early, or do the dishes later. Sitting down and watching a movie together helps. Going for a walk just the two of you helps. I know how hard it is to make time, but you have to make that effort for you to change your ways too. Your quality time doesn't have to start off with many hours. Start off slowly. We did the walking in the evening and started at 10 min. and moved up in time, little by little. I did the dishes later, i didn't like it, but I did it for our marriage. I would make arrangements to get the kids to a sitter for a couple of hours so we can go out of the house. I didn't tell him about the arrangements until they were in motion or set because I didn't want to disappoint him if the plans fell threw. I would try to spend some time together first. My husband is home a lot, but we can still miss each other if we are not connected. Good luck to you and may God bless your marriage.

Hi J.,

It sounds like you're overwhelmed and frustrated by the everyday activities involved in your SAHM job! Believe it or not, the "7 year itch" is a real thing. And, having young ones in the home doesn't help in the nurturing department.

I would encourage you to do a few things:
1. Take time for yourself - relax, sleep, do nothing. Even though you think you're doing this, you may not be getting ENOUGH down time. It's hard, I know, but it's essential.

2. Do a little journaling. Jot down what your "triggers" are. What is your husband doing that gets you so annoyed? What is the precise event that happens that makes you want to cringe?

3. Do a little reflecting on that "trigger" you jotted down. Chances are, this is a learned behavior: either it was what you witnessed as a child in your family (your mom or your dad behaved that way), you are getting some subconscious reward from being annoyed (I know, who would WANT to be annoyed all the time? "Subconscious" is the key word!), and you were treated as an "annoyance" when you were younger and you're repeating this behavior.

I encourage you to talk with a counselor, good friend, or coach and bounce these ideas off of them. It's hard to self-reflect, but sometimes those closest to us can offer some great feedback. Good luck!

J.

Hi J.,

You may be just feeling some resentment because you are the main caregiver for your child. You are at home all day every day with your son and you do not spend any time with only your husband.

When my second child was born, I was irritated with my husband all the time. What I really needed was time with just my husband, not more time away from him. (He is at work all day, away from me, so I really didn't know who he was or I was anymore.) So, we started weekly date night. We go out without the kids for a couple of hours just to talk and be friends with each other. It allows us to connect and work on our relationship.

I worry about you taking a separation. Both of you will feel some initial freedom, but you will begin to resent him more because he will never be there. So, I would think a little more about it.

D.

You have to find out what is really bothering you about him, list all of the things at once and talk to him about it. If you nitpick at everything he will never listen to you about anything and think that you are always complaining. You should really get to the root of the main source of your anger and you both can figure it out from there. One thing I know is that when a wife becomes a mom she has to figure out how to balance between the two. Sometimes being a mom can overshadow being a wife. Once you learn to balance those two things should be a lot better. That is-if you want them to-smile. I think that it is worth it for your family to at least give it a try. God Bless and I hope things work out for you and "Hang in there."

Hello J., Boy does this sound familiar. I am going thru the same issues. My hubby and I have been married 7 years togther for 10 and have a daughter. We separated in Feburary for 6 weeks.. longest 6 weeks of my life, however we have decided to stay together and work through our issues. Much of what your feeling I felt. I starting seeing a therapist who had helped me focus on me and why I am feeling the way I am. I have been able to set boundaries take some time out for me and things have got so much better. I hope you can find a place where it all works out. You can be happy again with him yo just have to try!

Your email is a little vague, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Because you aren't specific about what is bugging you....here are the only suggestions I can give you. I've been there and it isn't a nice place to be. I remember one day saying to myself "I certainly wouldn't want to be married to me" because I was such a nag. Anyway, what works for me is focusing on the positive things about my husband, not the negative. When he does something annoying, I remember what a wonderful father he is. Stuff like that. Also, check out the "five languages of love" book. Maybe he just doesn't know what your Love Language is....and maybe you don't know what his is.
Anyway, good luck!