Another MIL Question - Westmont,IL

I am saying this in a very soft, nurturing sort of way.
Please don't get upset, but think interspectively.

Some day those beautiful little boy of yours will be married and have children of their own, which more than likely means that they will have a wife. Think of how you would like to be treated by their prospective wives. How involved would you want to be with your grand children?
Maybe if you could come from her position. I'd ask for more help from your husband . ( You are most likely angry at her because she didn't do a good job with him... especially if he isn't helping)

She wants the connection and the relationship. I agree I don't know the total story, but I always find that If I put myself in their shoes, I understand their position a bit more.

Good Luck, Remember, they are called "IN laws, NOT OUT laws" for a reason.

I understand what you're saying and am there myself. But I've come to the conclusion that laundry will be there, the vacuuming, the dusting, the cooking, the messes and everything else will always be there. But your MIL won't. Take the time to let her into your life and the lives of her grandchildren. She wants to have relationships with you all. And remember that when you go, no one will remember you for the great vacuuming or laundry you did, they will remember you for the type of relationships you had with them. I know it's hard to think about a time when you and people you love are gone, but I say live in the now and and have no regrets!

What about sending her e-mail updates?

I don't ever talk to my mother-in-law on the phone. I always have my husband call her back if she calls my phone.

I think every 3-4 days is extremely excessive. I also do not talk to my mother that often. Can your husband talk to her? If you have to be the one to talk to her try and call her back a few days later and spread it out as far as you can.

Good luck.

What is it that she wants to talk about that she would need to speak personally to you every 3-4 days? Is she just calling to say "hi"? in which case you can either pick up the phone and quickly say, "Hi, only have a moment to talk" or "I'm in the middle of fixing dinner, can I have (husband) call you once he gets in?" If she has questions that your husband can answer, ask him to return the call and ask him to call her more often, perhaps? Like, can he shoot her a call from work really quickly to say hi maybe once a week? That seems like a lot to me to be checking in seeing as you are both adults with a busy family life. All families are different, but to me, that seems excessive for her to need to communicate with you that often. Does she have a spouse? Is she lonely otherwise?

Sounds like she just really wants to be part of your lives and feel important...don't we all? How about setting up a day/ time where you dedicate 15 min to talking to her. Would this help? Might be worth a try.

Good luck. My MIL's suck! The grass isn't always greener.

Hi K.! I haven't had a mother-in-law for some 30 years...divorced my first husband in spite of him having a good mom, current husband's mom died when he was young..but this may be worth a try. When she calls, let her hear your little ones cry, giggle, whatever they happen to be doing when she calls. You may be right, maybe she just doesn't understand what goes on in your house...maybe share a little bit with her? No, not the personal stuff about another relative with a sensitive situation. Remember, girlfriend is bored. Why not ask her to look out for coupons for diapers, formula, etc. and mail them to you? It may be worth it to call her back sometime the same day she calls you. If you can help her find things to do and maybe be a little involved in her grandchildren's lives by getting you coupons that help you take care of them, maybe she might not call quite so often, and you won't be seen as rude. Good luck, happy holidays, and keep me posted. K.

Could it simply be that she misses you all and wants to be involved in your lives? I don't think that's such a bad thing. I speak to both my mom and my MIL on a nearly daily basis, and they live in the same town as us. I am thankful to be very close to my MIL, as I am with my own mother.

I sense some resentment you have towards your MIL. Maybe because of her choice to move away? Whatever it might be, it would behoove you to have communication all around. Let her know that there was no need for her to vent about you not returning calls to your hubby; if she has a problem with you, she should let you know directly. Be honest and let her know that it is difficult with your harried schedule to fit in social calls, but compromise and maybe decide on a weekly call on Sunday afternoon or whenever is convenient...or as another poster suggested, email updates. Best wishes!

the "get off my back" answer I want to give you is that you return her call the very next morning before you start your day (7 or 8 am CST) it will be 5 or 6 am her time. Simply tell her this is the only chance you will have today and you didn't want to overlook her. After a few times of that she should back off expecting an immediate response. ;-)

the more compassionate answer I have for you is to get skype. If your MIL has a computer, have her download the software (it's free) and set a time once a week when you and the grandkids will meet her there. this way she can actually see the grandkids, which is the relationship you actually want to be concerned with maintaining.
I downloaded skype recently and it has been a huge hit for the family as we are spread all over the world and it save on the international phone bill. skype to skype is a free call!

When she leaves a message, one of you should try to return the call within a day, even if you call quickly to say, "I only have a second to talk but I wanted to return your call." (just because, what if it was something important or an emergency? I just think it's polite if she asks you to call back, to call.)

I would also explain to her (sometime when you are talking about something else) that you don't really like to talk on the phone, especially right now while you are so busy with a young baby. It would be thoughtful if you could send her little email or IMs about what her grandson is up to - maybe send her a photo a week by email or something? Or a couple of lines about what your cute grandson did today?

Also, your husband should be calling her on his own every few days. It seems like she wants to be more involved in your family, which is great. He's a lucky son. But - she is HIS MOM, not yours. Have him call from work at lunchtime, or from the train on the way to work, or something.

ETA - don't forget, that how you feel about your babies is how she once felt about him! I'm sure she just feels left out of all the baby excitement, since she is so far away, which is understandable. Try to be kind, and encourage your husband to be in touch more. And try to involve her on your own terms - I hate talking on the phone, too, so if it were me I would try to substitute email or something. Good luck!

It's too bad that your MIL's feelings are hurt. She must not remember what it was like to be a young mom and be running around taking care of the house and a baby! I KNOW it's frustrating, but try to remember that although she did choose to move away, she is just trying to stay connected to you and her son and your baby, and she must feel like this is the only way she can do it, so she means well!

On the other hand, tattling to her son on you is playing dirty, lol! I would let your husband handle this- sit down and talk seriously with him about it. Tell him that although you love your MIL and appreciate how much she wants to talk to you, be involved, you just think that she doesn't remember how busy you are taking care of the house, etc. EMPHASIZE that you are just trying to do the best possible job to have a happy baby and clean, harmonious house, etc. No need to even get into your family's personal business.

Ask your husband to PLEASE talk to his mother about it, and to explain it like that. Ask if you can set a specific day/time for her to call each week, so that you can plan it into both your schedules. Say that you don't want to blow your MIL off or hurt her feelings and if you schedule a call, that won't happen.

Get your husband on your side with this and have HIM talk to her. It will go much better coming from him and she will learn that she cannot go behind your back to complain to her son about you. Do it all in a loving manner- remember, annoying as it is, she is just a grandma who is trying to keep in touch and just try to find a compromise that works for your schedule! good luck!!

Hi K. Before your MIL moved to California did you talk to her everyday? If not just tell her that you can't drop everything and call her. She should be understanding of this. Unless she's a meddler! And be sides her daughter lives near her. If you don't talk to your own mother more than once a week she shouldn't be an exception!!!

wow, every woman who has responded is a better woman than I am! I would be totally irritated and would have a hard time being the bigger person on this. That being said, I would dig down deep and try to find some way to put my irritation aside. Afterall, she is your MIL and you want to keep the peace, so I'd have a heart to heart. Say you love her dearly and want to talk, but you just feel so overwhelmed with other areas of your life that you can't always fit in as much phone time that she would like. Ask her is she would consider a weekly phone date...a call that you would initiate at a designated time so that the two of you could catch up when you are not distracted(preferrably, when your hubby can watch the kids) I sense she may want a closer relationship than you want? Just try to be honest with her and find a compromise. If you feel pressured or irritated but still do just what she wants, you'll grow to resent it(her, husband, etc) Try to find a happy medium and stay true to what you want/need. You don't have to be at her beckon call just because she is your MIL. Let her know you want a relationship/phone time but you have some boundaries on how much time is good for you. Stay authentic in the relationship and try to work it out by NOT compromising to ONLY what she wants....2 way street!Good Luck!

Consider asking your husband to call her on a more regular basis, it is his mother not yours. My husbands step-mother would get mad at me but because I did not care for her I really did not care what she thought of me and my husband knew that. Of course he did not get along with her either but talked with her a couple times a year to keep the peace.
First off was your husband up set with what his mother had to say to you? If not just let it go. Spend your free time talking to your mom, after all she gave you live not your MIL. If it bothers your husband tell him to call her. Sounds like she is just nosing around to see what you are doing.

Get yourself help with the prganizational skills. Bills and laundry and prpe cooking can all be done while little ones are napping or doing a toy thing under your watchful eye so you can multitask. Practice in anything makes perfect. Save smoe of that laundry for hubby to fold and some dishes for him to put away from the dishwashes if you have or the rack, whatever. Tell him you NEED his help and that you can't do this alone. Tell him nicely that you don't even have time to return calls to his mom cause you have NO FREE TIME. It's all in how you word it to get him to help. Let him go to work with no clean shirt one day if he doesn't get the point. He'll learn faster than you think.

I am sure she misses being involved with her grandchildren. I wish I had this problem with my MIL, she rarely calls us. And she is only 25 minutes away. Can she text? Send her a quick text, or send her an email. There are family blogs you can create (all password protected). Maybe you can find the time to post a quick update once a week on the kids or add a picture? Have your son draw her a picture, drop it in the mail with a lil' post it that says we're thinking of you. I talk with my mom, several times a day, and don't agree it is "a Middle Eastern thing". My life is busy too, my husband has an awful commute, kids in separate schools, medical issues with one, plus all the day to day stuff that needs to be done. I'd say it is reasonable to check back with her that day, even if you tell her you only have a minute. When you end the call, you can say something like, I'll talk with you Tuesday or something, and by making an effort to check in then maybe she will stop complaining to your husband. Good luck!