Contact with Married Daughter with New Baby

I know that you asked for Grandma's to respond but I am a mother of 3 kids (6, 4, & 15 months). I know that having the first child you are over whelmed and trying to get sleep any way you can but I still manage to call my mother or she call me once a day to tell each other little crisis or antidote stories (mine are of the kids and hers about my dad or work). Good Luck. I say call her more but you can always ask her if it is a good time to call.

I'm not a grandmother, but I am a daughter and 1st time mother. All thou, I live with my disabled mother and married to a wonderful man, I would be lost without her and my husband. They have helped me so much. And yes it is a full time job taking care of a baby.
My advice to you is to let her know how much you love her and that you are there for her if she needs you. Ask how she and the baby is doing? Offer any advice you think will help.
I bet she feels like she should do this alone when she really would appreciate help and advice.
Hope all is well and that you hear from her soon.
L.

If I may suggest, be honest with her. As you stated she is busy and would probably appreciate you calling. My Mom calls me at least every other day. There are times I don't have time to talk and I tell her this is not a good time to talk. Honesty is best policy; otherwise, things can be misunderstood. This is an important time for both of you. Good luck.

Hi E.. I too am a grandmother, age 56 with 1 grandson age 2. My suggestion is get in the car and go see her. She may be having some depression after giving birth and really needs you. My daughter lived far away also but we talked at least everyday. This was before she had a child. She moved home and had her boy and now we see each other at least everyother day. She's 30. Your and your daughter should be talking more, especially with a new baby. Go see her and show how much you love her too. Maybe she feels you're spending all your time working and activities with the Fund you have set up. Show her love and affection. She needs you but doesn't want to ask for help. Best of luck!

Nana from Brandon, MS

Hi E.,

Congrats on your new grandbaby. Aren't they such a joy?

I'd suggest you do what I did...ask your daughter how often she'd like to hear from you. My daughter and I send frequent emails but I , too, was unsure how often to call her. So I asked and she said she'd love to hear from me about once a week...just to keep in touch. I made the mistake with her first child assuming she would ask if she had questions and she didn't and I didn't offer. So I decided openness was the best policy with the next two, spent time with her when the babies were born and then made myself available to her so when she did have a question, or just needed to talk I'd be there for her.

Our daughter lives in CO so we don't see each other often enough...but in between visits I'll just have to settle for the once a week contact and know that she knows she can call me at any other time.

Good luck.

W. Q

As a daughter who doesn't even think to pick up the phone until after midnight when life winds down, or when I'm sitting in a movie theater, etc, I love it when my mom calls me. She used to call and complain when she hadn't heard from me in as little as two days, and while I understood that she loved me, it would make it difficult when I WOULD remember to call, because I didn't want to call and get the guilt trip. Nowadays I can just chat with her, and we both enjoy it.

In your situation, though, two weeks is a long time, especially when you've been sending e-mails with no response. Have you talked to her at all since you've been home, and did she sound somewhat angry? Maybe something happened when you were there that upset her or her husband that was misinterpreted or that you don't even realize bothered them, and they are upset (adult kids can be very sensitive).

Also, I agree with the thought that she might have some post partum depression, especially since her husband is gone a lot.

Then again, it could be something as simple as you had her e-mail address wrong, and she's been upset because you haven't contacted her!

Definately visit her, or at least call, and I agree about letting her know that you miss her and you have this motherly "need" to speak with her more, but if she still doesn't call regularly, just check in a couple of times a week, and talk to her very cheerily, and without making her feel guilty for not calling. Unless her brain is mush like mine (*grin*), she'll be more apt to call you next time!

Speaking of mush, I just woke up, so hope my rambling made sense!

This coming from a daughters point of view, if she just had a baby she probably doesn't have time for the computer and is not getting the emails. As a daughter who has lived away from my own mother while all my kids/grandkids were growing up it always made my day when my mother just called and said she was checking on me and was thinking of me. I may only have been able to talk to her for 5-10 minutes but those few minutes always really meant alot.

Have you seen your new grandbaby? If not maybe calling and asking if you could come for a visit would open the door.She may just be waiting for you to make the first move. Don't miss out on a great relationship because you are waiting on her to receive those emails....call her.

I can understand how you feel. I live 1200 miles away from my two daughters and five grandsons. I don't hear too much from my girls but they know that I am there for them if they ever need anything. They don't ask for much advice and I don't offer any unless asked. What kind of e-mails do you send? Are they full of unsolicited advice or comments about their mothering skills? My advice to you is to e-mail her no more than once a week and only about things not related to mothering. At this stage of life as your daughter is grown up, treat her more like one of your friends. Be chatty, tell her jokes and she might respond better. She may think you are criticizing her, so don't. You can ask how the baby is, but don't offer any criticism or advice unless asked. Good luck and remember that it will all turn out okay.

Hey E., I'm a grammy with 2 grandbabies 13 hrs away and a new one coming that will be fairly close. My thought is that you should call your daughter...not every day, but a couple of times a week...since you haven't called, she may think that you don't want to talk to her for some reason. Just call, ask how she is, ask if there's a time that might be good for you to call where she might have a little time to talk. Tell her you miss her. When people break contact it can cause all sorts of stuff to rise up in each person and hurt that's hard to get past can happen. you start trying to figure out what you did or didn't do, etc. Even if the call only lasts 2 minutes at least she knows you called and you care and you're not upset about anything. Let her regulate how long the conversaion lasts and don't be hurt if it's short. Good Luck R.

I would think that if you and your daughter had a close relationship before that maybe you should just talk to her. Find out if there is anything you can do to help her. Of course don't imply that she can't handle it herself. Just let her know how much you want to be a part of her life and your grandchild's. There may be a certain time that works better for her to talk. If the baby doesn't sleep much, she may just be exhausted. I know I was with my first child. She may not even realize that she isn't talking with you as much anymore.

Here are some ideas first step up a day and time to visit for a 1/2 hour on the phone each week. Do it at a time that would be best for her maybe a Sunday afternoon. That way you will both feel more in touch but she will have time to do her then. IN this phone visit share any news about the baby or your life. Second the baby is a little to young now but you can started making tapes of you reading stories to your grandson. This is always a nice way for your grandson to get to know you, or better yet tell him story about your gowning up, his mother gowning up , how you met your hubby, about the uncle he will never know but thought your stories. Also if you both have a computer you can set up a family web site where you can share time , or stories with each other but this will allow you do to it at your best time even if it is 2am after you feed the baby.

Hi E.,

I live 9 hours from my Mom. She emails me everyday to just say hi if she doesn't have any news. I love hearing from her. I usually try my best to email her back, but if I don't - I do the next day or I call her. She doesn't ever call me like I wish she would. I know we stay busy, but I'd make time to talk to her if she'd call. Sometimes a phone call is easier than sitting down and writing an email.
Hope this helps!!

I remember that, when my daughter was born last year, I could barely make it to the phone. I had it on "silent" all of the time and was just trying to cope. Especially because your daughter's baby came early, and she had such a hard labor and delivery, and her husband is gone so much of the time, she is absolutely just trying to handle everything. I don't know how she is holding everything together, frankly! Getting to the phone and answering emails, hah.

Can you take some time away from work to go visit? I'm sure your daughter would love the help, besides the love and support of her mother. Just take it from a daughter/new mom: she will need lots of time to just be in her nest with that baby! You won't see either of them for hours at a time. She might be short with you one moment, and crying and hugging you the next. Right now she REALLY can't handle more than just diaper changes, feedings, keeping the house from falling apart, and somehow getting some sleep. Eating food, for her, is a luxury. So don't take it personally that she hasn't been very communicative! I know that you're experiencing a lot of tough emotions right now because her becoming a mother is resurrecting a lot of feelings in you as a mother. But be careful to not burden your daughter, who is very overwhelmed right now, with this heavy load that you have had to carry. You're feeling needy, and that is understandable. You want closeness with your daughter to equal that of closeness with your daughter and your son. She can't give that to you. She really can't give you anything right now. What you can do, though, is do whatever you can to get time off from work, and reassure your daughter that you will take plenty of walks around her neighborhood to give her some space, go grocery shopping to fill up the fridge, and cook her some good, wholesome meals, and be there when she has some down time and wants to catch up with you.

Hang in there. Just show her your love by meeting her needs. As learned by mothers everywhere, our needs just kind of have to wait, however deeply we feel them.

A big hug for you,
L.

Hi E., I too lost my brother five years ago and I am now the only surving child. I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the lady below that said get in your car and go see your daughter. I think that she might really need you right now. I have a ten month old son and a eleven year old daughter and regardless of my schedule my mom and I talk atleat twice a day.

Have a safe trip!

-J.

ask her. Tell her how you're feeling. I think hearing that you're missing her and wishing for more contact but completely willing to respect her space and time to bond and get set in a schedule on her own is a great way to set up asking her what would be too much for her.

If my mom felt the way you do I would want her to let me know by either phonecall, in person visist or letter. If you want to have an open relationship then you both have to try to be as open as possible. Sometimes 1 party has to put out more energy during times of significant life change & likely that will have to be you since you aren't trying to learn to balance the day to day new mom responsibilies.

When I was a new mom I hardly ever checked email b/c I either didn't have a free hand or was too tired once I did have a free hand. My mom graciously offered and stayed with us for a while after our baby was born and this was a tremendous help just so I could nap or shower without worrying about the baby. I know this is not a luxury that everyone can have, but once she left she called to have a quick chat every other day just to ask what the baby had done that day. It was a really smart way for her to get me to keep her in the grandbaby loop while providing me with a chance to voice any concerns or questions. Since I had some post partum depression it was a comfort to just hear my mom's voice on the other end of the phone and know that she was thinking of me. She was always sure to keep these calls brief and would try to call when it was between feedings later in the evening---the only time that I felt I had a minute to myself.

Good luck at getting this relationship close again so that you can be the close grandma that it sounds you want to be.

they have a lot of books on being a new mother maybe she has got one of these books I would just wait she may start asking questions good luck

Maybe call her and ask if she needs a little help and go down and visit her for about 1 or 2 weeks and tell her how much you miss her.

I think my mother feels the same way you do, in that she would love to talk to me every day, but she knows that as a full-time working first time mother (at age 33!), tata I barely have the energy or time to even take care of myself, much less chat for an hr with her every night. My mother has two daughters - one who lives in the same town with 2 children and who is about to become a single mom, and myself. I live 75 miles away and we do get to see each other at least one weekend a month (usually we go up to her place).

However, I know you are coming from a different place, in that your son is no longer with you here on earth and your daughter and grandbaby are soooo special to you.

What I would recommend is that you let her know how you feel. I'm sure she is just so caught up in being a new mom and taking care of her baby. Personally, I battled (and still am) post-partum depression (my son is now 7mo old), and I did not feel like talking to ANYone, even family, for a few months (especially during my maternity leave when I was stuck at home alone w/baby). It's possible that your daughter may be having some depression and is becoming withdrawn.

Keep emailing her, it leaves open the lines of communication - at least she knows you care. Send her a card or two.... Go ahead and call her at least once a week just to "check in with her" or to share a story with her about the goings-on at home. I'm sure she'll appreciate it. Tell her you miss her and your grandbaby and would love updates - ask when WOULD be a good time to call.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

M.

I agree with the others - call your daughter! I'm sure she's just overwhelmed with the New Mom stuff. I can remember how the hours/days/weeks seemed to melt into each other when my little girl was tiny. I am sure that is it with your daughter as well, since you say that y'all have been close and didn't mention that you haven't gotten along. My suggestion is to just tell her that you'd love to call more, but don't want to overwhelm her with all that she has going on. My guess is that she would love to hear from you, but she is totally swamped right now!

p.s. Sorry - meant to say this so I'm editing/adding. Just ask her how often would be good for her to hear from you, and that way she can give her input as well!

Definitely give her a call once a week to just tell her that you love her. Don't say that you haven't heard from her because she may be feeling the same way. If this is her 1st baby it is overwhelming, especially as you said with her husband traveling and her mom living 12 hours away. Our children are older now but my husband traveled and I was so stressed and anxious about the baby care that I never had time to check emails with my constantly wanting to do the regular chores in addition to the mountain of things that come along with that new bundle. My sister recently had a baby and feels the exact same way. We used to talk a bunch and now we're lucky if it's once a week. She starts by saying, "I'm so sorry I haven't called .." and I quickly assure her that I totally understand and she shouldn't say she's sorry. We all go through that. I would call your daughter rather than emailing so she can hear your voice. Computers were hardly touched in my house until the kids were nearly a year old because it would frustrate me to have to rush off when they needed my attention. If you get voice mail, just tell her you were thinking of her, love her and hope to catch her the next time you call (say nothing that would lead to a guilty feeling for not calling you). Don't even say call if you have a chance because she'll do this anyway when she can. In 4-5 days call again and tell her that you just wanted her to know you love her and hope the baby is doing well and that you'll talk to her later. If you were close before I honestly think she is missing you badly but just just can't find the time to sit and pick the phone up without thinking she'll have to rush off. Maybe you could book a hotel room near Nashville and go for a visit for a couple of days so you can give her and the baby hugs and kisses. I'm so sorry about your son and I know you miss your daughter at this time. I was 27 when we had our son and was just a couple of hours away from my mom. It was h*** o* me but we all got through it and are closer than ever now. I missed my family a ton but had "the baby" to take care of which is 24/7 for a while.

Call her. She probably isn't checking email regularly because there's no time to be alone and sit on the computer. When my first child was born I bonded with my mom for the first time in our lives (after puberty hit LOL). I also remember the overwhelming "new mom feeling". I also worry that she might be having a little post-partum depression. Reach out to her in every way, even if it is just email and voicemails. I think she needs to know how excited you are also about being a grandma, and wanting to know what that precious baby is doing every day! Hang in there and let her respond in her own time, but don't stop calling. As long as you are only doing it once a day or every other day, I don't think that constitutes "bugging" her.

Hang in there!
Hugs -
K. in Madison
Mom to 5 - 3 in my arms and 2 in HIS!

E., I am sorry this is late, but my computer has been down. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I know taht I am lucky to have my Mother close and my MIL since the birth of my child, and I couldn't do this whole thing without them. Please do not give up on your daughter. SHe is probably overwhelmed, sleep deprived and possibly depressed. Make sure to contact her every few days at the least unless she tells you otherwise. SHe might not have time to phone, or to e-mail, but make it known to her that you are there to do anything she needs. SInce you can't drop by, maybe you can send her a gift certificate for a cleaning service, or ask if you can come and visit to help her. Make sure she knows that she can call you at 3 am if she needs to. Somtimes new moms don't know how, or feel guilty for asking for help.

Above all, make sure that she knows that you think she is doing a good job, being a good mom. Tell her how proud you are and send notes about how you took care of her, or stories that she can relate to now.

If all else fails, aks her what is up. Try not to sound judgemental or assign blame (all 'I feel' statements are out the window! Remember her hormones are wild!) but ask what you can do to be more involved and get to know your grandchild and the new her (after all, she is a new woman now that she is a mother). Remember that first few months when everything is hard, and she is tired and freaked out and just be there. My mother sent me cards and letters daily when she returned home after my daughter was born (they live near me now) and I loved getting them in the mail, even when I had to save them up for 3 days before getting to read them. Make yourself a presence and expect nothing in return (don't ask "why don't you call, write, e-mail) and hopefully she will come around and reconnect. She might just need to be selfish for a while. Unconditional love is not easy. But as her child grows, she will begin to know just how much you love her (and you can also point tht out in your letters...MY mom did!) Good Luck Granny!

D. H

Well, I do feel for you. I would be going crazy! But, I think back to when I had my babies-I didn't call my Mom much. I took my Mothering job very seriuosly and just concentrated on it and enjoyed it. She may be doing that. Or, she may have a best friend that helps her. I dont like that she seems to be shutting you out (feels like). But, I think I did that cuz I felt like my Mom would tell me what to do and make me feel like I wasn't capable. Hey! I was the new Mom here! (even tho she had 6 babies!) Ya know- I agree with Kim-she may have some post-partum depression. She may be embarrassed to mention it. It would make her feel out of control. Avoiding your contact is part of that. At least in regular depression it is. Avoidance and shutting people out is. I'd say call-leave a message-tell her you want to come visit and see her and the grandbaby! Ask her what day or weekend would be best-then when she responds- head her way right away! It'll work out. In the meantime-send cards etc. in the mail. Just make some kind of connections. She needs that even if its one-sided. She'll come around. She needs her space. But, I know you worry. I would too. Sometimes all you can do is pray. I wish you the best!

My mom lives 3 1/2 hours away and this is my one an only. I talk to her everyday sometimes just a couple of minutes and i take pics and send over my cell phone and it does video also. My husband doesnt like it he thinks i dont need this stuff he doesnt understand that my mom wants to see her granddaughter. So i tell him to get over it. Mom comes and stays for a couple of days when ever she wants which drives my husband crazy(his mom passed about 11 yrs ago) but i dont care i want my daughter to know her nana and she loves her nana. So talk to your daughter she'll understand. I think 2 weeks is too long. Me and my mom really werent close, she sometimes gets on my nerves but my daughter still needs to see her nana. So i keep my mouth shut and her and my husband really dont get along and they both put me in the middle but my baby loves her nana and thats whats its all about. Good luck!!

E.,
I'm sitting here with my mom (my first baby is now 7 months old.) Our hearts go out to you and we feel very sad for you. Both of us agree that you should call your daughter. She likely doesn't have time to do email and I remember the earlier days when the baby was in my arms almost all day long. It's so hard to type with one hand. :o) Mom thinks that you should tell her how you feel. Promise her that you won't try to tell her what to do, but you're always there for her if she needs any help or advice. If her husband goes out of town, do whatever it takes to go and see her. Maybe when she is less stressed and more rested she could start a blog or skype with you so you can see your grandbaby more! Our thoughts and prayers go out to you! B. & Danise

First of all I would quit emailing her and pick up the phone. I talk to my mom every day on the phone but we don't really email. I get offended if I am the only one initiating the phone calls as well. She may very well be wondering why YOU are not calling. Sometimes I am so busy with my three kids that I will go days without checking my email but I can nurse a baby while talking on the phone, I can fold laundry while talking on the phone, I can cook dinner while on the phone..., you get the picture. If she just gave birth adn her husband is gone alot she might be feeling a little blue and a phone call from you might help. So call already!!!

E.,
I truly can understand where you are coming from but from a different standpoint. My brother passed away almost nine years ago and I am also my parents last surviving child. I also have their only grandchild at the moment, a lovely 6 year old boy. Two years ago he and I moved to another town just 15 minutes away from my parents. I still worked in the town where we used to live so I would often pop in to see my mother regularly at least once a week and then we would see each other on Sunday at church and her house afterwards. Before I was popping in to see her during the week she took me aside and explained that she missed us very much and that the one visit on Sundays was not enough. I totally respected her for that and adjusted my schedule so that she wouldn't feel lonely.I even added daily or every other day short phone calls. My suggestion to you is that you take a moment to talk to your daughter about her lack of contact with you. Just explain to her that it's hard enough with them living so far away and the lack of emails or phone calls is really bad. If she is like me she will immediately see where you are coming from and make an effort to accomodate you. I now have an even stronger bond with my mother and love sharing that extra time with her. Good luck to you and I will pray for your situation

I know your question was to the grandmas out there, but I thought I would respond, too. I'm 36, have a 2 year old and I wish more than anything that my mother cared enough to call or come around. I would say for you not to leave her alone, especially since her husband travels a lot. She needs her mom. Perhaps you could call her and ask her what she need from you tho, and tell her how you are feeling. Also, if she just gave birth 2 months ago she may be dealing with some depression and need you more than either of you realize. I wish you both the best.

Hi E.! I am so sorry for you loss. However, I can only imagine how much you would love to be with your daughter and grandchild. But I can only speak from your daughters point of view because I face the same issue she has.. not enough time to call my parents. My parents are divorced and both live an hour away in opposite directions from me. I am lucky if I get any chance to talk with them during the week because I am so busy with working full time and taking care of my baby boy.. plus I have another on the way. I hate that I don't have the time to call them but it helps SOOOOO much when they call me instead. Even if it's just for a few minutes, it's really nice to know they think of me. I try to call every week but I am so busy at work, then I pick my son up and I want to spend as much time with him as I can plus my husband doesn't get home until late so I am on my own with taking care of him and my dog, then theres house work and the ten million little things you don't think are a nuisance until you have a child! And right now I am just so exhausted by the time he goes to bed, I just want to get some rest and some of my own mental relaxation. So while I am sure she does not mean to hurt you by not calling, I do understand how busy she is right now. Plus, I'm the type of person that likes to call my parents when my son is around, so he can hear their voice too and considering I only get a few hours a day with him, it's hard to find a second to stop and call. So, please call her, it will make her stop and talk to you and stop putting her wholeself into the baby for a moment. Plus, your grandchild might get to her your voice and I'm sure that would be wonderful. And don't feel like you are bothering her, even if you call everyday.. but if she is as busy as I am and as involved in wanting to put her wholeself into her child like I am.. I perfectly understand not having the time to call. Good Luck and give her a call or even ask if you can go visit.. especially if she is a stay at home mom.