Would you be frustrated?
My hubby has been in PA for the past two weeks. He works from home so he went up to spend time with his daughter (my step daughter). He just called me and said he is going to help the ex fix her house. Her basement flooded with the big storms they had up there.
I have a problem with this because. They have been divorced since 2003, he pays her child support and alimony. (The amount hasn’t changed since his son moved in with us or now that he is 20). She gets an ample amount of money from him and doesn’t work, nor does she want a job. She doesn’t save her money and goes out every week end drinking and partying like a 21 year old.
I told my hubby that I don’t mind helping to an extent but that she still manipulates him. She is a user of ALL men. And I have a feeling that he will end up having to remodel her entire house. I guess that I am just ticked off. I can see the type of person she is and he never stands up to her.
We have had other issues with her and I guess that I am just annoyed and need to vent. I get tired of hubby not really listening to what I am saying and/or not wanting to accept that she is this way.
Hubby is staying at our house that is for sale with my MIL not with the ex. He would never get back with her or have sexual relations with her. So I am not worried about that. They are friendly to each other because of the kids and that’s it. He and their son have absolutely no respect for her and neither do I. (That’s an entirely different story)
I don’t want my SD staying in a moldy house either, but I don’t think it should be hubby’s responsibility to fix her house. She should be fixing it or asking one of her many boyfriends to help her out. Her father has been financially drained dry from her so she won’t ask her family.
We moved to FL less than a year ago and we still want my SD to come live here. She came for the summer and any holiday that we can fly her down here without missing school.
Ugh. No...I'm not.
But maybe it would help to remember that this is also his daughter's home that was damaged in a flood?
added :i get that you don't want her living in a moldy house BUT it shouln't be your husbands responsability to fix her house and I AGREE BUTTT my ex refused to do dishes for 2 weeks, one day when i dropped off my daughter it was gross, it's not my responsability, but do you know what I did those dishes, b/c I cared about MY daughter. I'm sure if you divorced and your home needed repairs he'd do the same for you, and he should, their his kids, its not about her.
he is fixing up the house his daughter lives in is he not? sometimes its not worth the fight...if he tells her , you deal with it I pay you! then she may never do it cause a fight and his daughter wil be living in a house with major flooding issues?
Also I see you live in Fl and his daughter lives in PA, I';m sure his visits aret that frequent so i'm sure he wants to make them count with his daughter. I think its good she sees a frindly relationship with her dad and mom and knows he cares abt her well being enough to fix the house.
NOW if he refuses to do this kind of work at home yet does it for her, thats a diferent issue.
Your problem is with him, not her . . . JMO.
I'm a second wife, but my situation is no where NEAR yours... for one, I don't have any step kids. In fact, I'm really very friendly with his ex wife.
I guess I want to know why he feels compelled to help her. Why isn't he at YOUR house fixing YOUR stuff? Something's missing in this equation, and I'm getting a huge red flag. No one WANTS to help their ex. Now, if he was remodeling his daughters room, THAT I would get. Anything outside of that, it's not right.
Can you guys get a mediator, like go to couples counseling? You're a bigger person than I am, I wouldn't want my husband spending that amount of time with an ex without me, kids or no kids, and I would have told her to f*ck off and hire a maintenance man a loooong time ago. Hope it gets better! Yikes.
I am a second wife and I have found the best approach is to solely focus on what is best for your step daughter. Keep all about her and you can't go wrong.
I just read your "so what happened"and I feel for your step daughter that her dad moved away and is out of her daily life. I would do whatever it takes to try to be there for her particularly given the recent move. You mentioned that you hope she moves to FL but what a hard choice for a
child. Also, for the sake of that child and your relationship with hubby, I would stop trying to make the case that his ex is nuts. That is beating a dead horse and I think you would actually feel better if you did.
Your title looks funny right after the polygamy question, lol
Well I suppose he could help by supplying her with the number of a good contractor, and that's about it. And MAYBE if she's going to pay him, well maybe not.
Are there any of HIS kids in said house? Well, yeah, even so....
I guess I don't like this either.
:(
Hm. I'm a 3rd wife. (ha). But no step children. BUT I am also an adult child of a man who divorced my mom and married another lady, and now they have a kid, so I can see it from that angle too.
I would say that I'd prefer the daughter come to MY house for visits, but it's the middle of the school year so that's not going to work is it. So yeah, he has to go there. 2 weeks is a long time to be gone at once, so that would irk me (but then I really miss my husband when he goes to England for a couple weeks to be with his mom, even though I don't say anything b/c for the amount of money that the flights cost, he needs to stay a little bit to justify the flight). Where is he spending the nights? That could bother me, him playing house IN the house with their daughter, yeah, but if he's not in her house, I wouldn't mind so much. I don't know the dynamic you're having in your home and the dynamic they have with each other, so I can't answer to that. I can say that my husband's ex is an ex for a definate reason and I have NO jealousy or insecurity when it comes to her.
I would also say that I would EXPECT (demand?) that my husband HELP fix her basement if they had kids together. Because I'd be very upset if my dad didn't help my mom out. Not that it needs to all be his (additional) money, but he needs to HELP (especially if he's handy in that way--my husband, not too handy with fixing stuff) if they've got a kid, because the issue is that it's his daughter's house. If the daughter had moved out and was in her own apartment, then that'd be different, but as of now, it sounds like she's still a kid and living there, so I'm certain that in his mind, he's taking care of his daughter and the lady that's raising her. Which is a good thing, especially when you hear about all the men who are NOT taking care of their children and their responsibilities. Just my 2 cents.
I am a second wife but my hubby hates his ex so if he were there doing anything to the house, it would be to burn it down with her in it...LOLOLOL!!! That being said, I get how you would be upset about this. Is he STAYING at the house with her? I'm assuming not but that would just be too much. I understand how paying child support and alimony and then on top of that actually working on her house is too much for you. I would tell him that. Her house problems are NOT his problem and although he is willing and able to help her, he is showing disrespect to you and he needs to see that. Its my opinion that he needs to pay his CS and allimony and see his kid but that is it. He really should not have any contact with the ex unless it's to discuss their child. I would even go as far as to suggest the child come to him instead of him going there. He needs to see that his life is with you and although he has children with another woman, the relationship with her has ended. I hope it works out for you, I know how hard this must be and that is understandable. Good luck.
I wouldn't ask my ex to do repairs on my home.
I am a 2nd wife. If my husband's ex didn't have a 2nd husband of her own and asked my husband to help her fix things.... I don't think I'd have a huge issue with it. Especially if it's helping the kid out too. My husband and his ex did NOT have kids together, but I've been in a relationship with a man in the past where I actually stuck up for the ex wife with his family!!! I didn't particularly care for the woman, but what they were saying and acting like [in front of her son] was completely out of line.
My husband actually helps MY ex's family out!!! Hell, my husband and I did a tune-up on MY ex's Jeep!
I hear that we have a strange setup to say the least though.
It sounds like the support payments need to go down from supporting two children to one. No, he shouldn't be remodeling the home. I agree with pp that your problem is actually with him. That sucks. I would insist things change and stick to your guns.
Hi Jackie,
I'm in a different situation (boyfriend has always had 50-50 custody and the family support ran out) but I can relate from other experiences. I understand why you are annoyed - I know I would be very frustrated too. Keep working with him about being more assertive with her and help him understand what is fair. My family tends to give too much. It is better he is too generous than too stingy. Sounds like a good guy that needs a stronger backbone. I don't envy your situation - it's tough to help him when the relationship is with his ex-wife. Try to deal with one issue at a time and stick with the facts so it's clear your motivation is not jealousy.
Ummm I really think that a boundary should have been set. He should not be fixing up her home like that. She should be making the arrangements or move to a place she can afford. How old is your SD? With all the money you are paying her that is more than enough....I'd be having a conversation with him about what is and isn't acceptable. At what point do you draw the line. I would here sooner rather than later.
Sounds like you have a good man to me, that is the example I would want my children to have, no matter which side of divorce . And I will leave it at that.
