Are You Learning from Your Marriage So You Can Become the Person You Wish to Be?

I'm already the person I want to be! But, I understand where you are coming from. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a while. What I took away from that was, I am never going to let anyone else decide who I am. So, I try everyday to be the best I can, and leave it at that.

My husband supports me, and I support him. That's how it works here.

I think you can grow or wilt for that fact within any relationship combination (parent-child, husband-wife, etc.). I have been married for 17 years and I have always told anyone who would listen that my husband is "Good to me and good for me!" He has some remarkable traits, that I only wish I could develop more within myself (i.e. patience). So, I would like to think that I have learned something from him and grown along the way. Marriage is definitely an exercise in compromise and unselfishness, as is parenting, etc. We all have a personal barometer on how we define good (enough), better or best. My personal best may be someone else's good enough. This is very thought provoking.

So this totally negates, people who are single parents or single people... and then assuming that single people have no one to make them "better" people and have no one to learn from.

To me, anyone, can learn from others, spouse or not, if they want to and become "better" individuals if they want to, relationship or not.
Because, in our daily lives, inspiration and influences upon us, come from many many many different avenues.

Some people are in sucked marriages. But that does not mean they cannot become "better" people. Some people are in fine marriages, but that does not mean they cannot become better either.

Learning in life as an individual, comes from life. Not just from a single person whom someone may be married to or not.

Yep. Learning a lot from my divorce too.

My answer is yes. I think that we as humans have the amazing ability to grow and change and any kind of relationship should help us in that process.

My husband is SO patient and I am absolutely not. I am learning by watching him! :) He is a listener, I am a talker. I'm not trying to change my personality, but just be more aware of others and their feelings.

On a side note, I loved what you said here, "Annoying, angry, miserly, envious people can either bring us down or help us grow. Their effect on our lives is our choice, not theirs."
I needed to hear that today! Thanks for sharing!

My husband is my "sounding board"...he is not constantly "making me a better person"...he encourages me to be a better person. He doesn't tell me I should be. However, we talked a lot before marriage (we had a long distance relationship, we talked on the phone, via -email, we really had to get to know the other person) we talked about things that many people don't get to until it's "after the fact"...

One thing we agreed on is to let the other one when that person is "acting in a way they have previously said they don't want to be like". Example: last weekend I went on a little rampage about our soccer team to one of the other parents. My husband stood next to me (and he knows I am working hard on letting go of any negativity)...he leaned over in my ear and simply said "That is enough, you are not going down a road you want to!".

I wouldn't say marriage has made me a better person, but I will say the man I married to encourages me to be a better person. It's about letting those around you know what kind of person you want to be, how you are going to get there...and letting them gently remind you. No matter if they are spouses, friends, co-workers.

Other times he lets me go off on my tangent and get it out. But those are times where it's just him and I...

Both.
There is a saying I ran across in Eastern Philosphy. "My Enemy, My Friend." It gets to the point that people that cause you strife and trouble, cause you to dig deep, learn more about yourself, try harder, learn more.
Likewise, people that smooth your path and make life easy for you are not doing you any favors. They are crippling you and making you weak.
Case in point, I would not be the wise woman I am today had my ex not put me through all he did.
Now, I'm in a good relationship where we are on the opposite end of the spectrum. I see virtues in him that I aspire to. I try to follow his example on things that I admire in him and issues that are a sticking point for him. And he's trying hard to make changes to meet my expectations too. We are teaching each other patience, committment, budgeting skills, parenting skills.

Sorry didn't read it all but why would anyone marry someone they don't think is the best person they can be already? Sure the person may not be the best person they can be but you are marrying them so...

Why do people marry wanting to change the other person? This post seems to take it to a crazy level of your duty is to change the other person. Maybe I am not understanding what you mean.

Every quality you threw out there is subjective. What is the perfect level of generous? I am generous and my husband is more generous. Maybe I am the "perfect" level of generous but I gravitate to his level of generous. Then we have money problems...

What is the perfect level of ethics, kindness, forgiveness? How much anger are you allowed?

I am the person I want to be, my husband is the person he wants to be. Tomorrow we will be different but we will still be the person we want to be.

Clearly I don't understand your question.

When I was engaged I read an article (in a Catholic magazine) that asked the question, why are you getting married. I thought about it before reading the rest of the article and concluded that I was getting married because he brings out the best in me and challenges me (usually in a positive way) to be better than I think I can be. He does make me want to be a better person.

I think in your answer, you're almost thinking about it too much. When you fall in love with someone, doesn't it naturally follow that you want them to be proud of you? Don't you really want to keep improving in their eyes? This isn't going to be true all of the time. Marriage isn't just a big party. There are tough times too, but during the good times, I think we really do try and do things that would make our spouses proud of us.

During the tough times, we might not be thinking of ways to please our spouses. We might even be angry and resentful. But if the marriage survives those tough times, don't we often learn something from them that does help us to grow?

I don't think any of this is saying that we always help each other grow or that there aren't other things in life that challenge us. But marriage will do that. In some ways we can either learn and grow, or not. And if we don't learn and grow, the marriage might not last. Or if it does, it might not be all that happy.

I did read the entire article. In the end, it said that we marry because we are each others best hope for salvation. Something to think about.

My husband and I will be married 20 years in a few weeks. We've both done a lot of growing during that time. I came to the marriage with a lot of baggage. I had some therapy early on and it helped tremendously. My husband wasn't much of a talker when I met him. In talking to him about my issues and making him aware of why I acted and reacted the way I did, he began to understand that I wasn't just bit**y or moody or had PMS - I hadn't had my emotional needs met my entire life up until I met him. He had to learn how to help meet some of those. I, in turn, had to learn to trust him to do that for me.

8 years into my marriage, my one and only child was born. We started to lose ourselves and our relationship a little. We instituted some "us" time after dinner every night where we'd sit face to face and just talk about our day or whatever. It's been that 15-20 minutes a day that we've done the most growing. We really hear each other - something we didn't always do. He no longer sees me as someone who acts a certain way for no reason. He understands where it all comes from and he helps me see things in myself I don't always want to.

So to answer your question - YES - my marriage has healed me of so many things. My husband's love, understanding, acceptance and unconditional love has made me a better person. I want to be a better person for him We try not to sweat the small stuff. I see how wonderful he is with my daughter and it makes me want to be more patient. We, as a family, put God first which I think is a huge part of our happy household. I feel badly for anyone who doesn't have an equal partner/cheerleader/friend in their spouse.

I just wanted to be me....I was myself...nothing hidden...and always spoke up and never cowarded. Do you think you are gonna make a miracle out of your marriage....by you changing to better suit him? NOT! You are barking up the wrong tree.

Like a good wine...if your with the right person, I believe it, meaning life does get better with age/ time. Some of that you can attribute to your spouse, the other is maturity, living life... Just my opinion.

Having my son was what molded me, made me a better person. I think my husband would have the same opinion as my post.

Take care

This is a good thought provoking question. I told my husband the other day, as I cried, that I have been harboring a thought about him for some time. He asked what it was. I told him, that "you have grown up, and I have not". We are both in our mid 40's. It was very upsetting to me to think this thought, because of just what it is. He is interested in politics, and knows alot about it. I do not, and I don't care to, but I know I should. He has a fantastic grip on determination, and i don't. He is great at dieting and excercising, because he thinks that is what he should do. I think that is what I should do, but I'm not that great at it, although I'm at it everyday of my life. He spends his free time "getting things done", and I'd rather hang out and do whatever, and put off getting things done. To me, he is a much more "grown up" person than I am, and I strive to be like him. He says I have helped him to be the way he is, and that I have inspired him in some ways to do things. That's a compliment to me, but sometimes I don't believe it. Anyway, so yes, I think that spouses can help you learn and be the person you want to be, and strive to be. But you have to be open to it, and sometimes you just have to sit back and study them, and quietly learn from them. "should marriage make you a better person" , well yes it should, but it doesn't always, since maturity plays a big part in all of it. But I hope it does.

We all naturally evolve. I help him achieve his goals and he helps me. We aren't changing each other, we are helping each other. I have problems with motivation, he has some anger issues, we both get depressed easily... we both have things we need to work on. It's bad to have a mentality that you need to change a person, but it's also bad to have the mentality that one won't ever change. We should all be progressing as who we are daily.

I think in my case we've grown up together - literally and figuratively. We are high school sweethearts and have been together pretty much continuously since we were both seniors in high school - 17 to 37 - and I hope I can someday write we've been together 17 to 87 - :-).

A lot happens during that time - so much transpires - and while we've gone down the road together there have been dips, turns, unexpected delays that have waylaid us - but we worked through them together. There were also great joys and triumphs and so much love - it has really been a long, strange trip and one that I would live again and again if I could.

So - short answer - yes - my husband has helped shape me into the individual I am today - and since we both strive to be better people, parents, and partners on a daily basis - I know I could not be who I am now without his guidance and direction along the way.

Sometimes I just feel so darn lucky to have him. :-)

Interesting... I am in a completely different boat. Both I and my husband accept each other for who we were when we met and who we are now. We have strived to grow together (thanks to a very well written reading at our wedding), so we don't grow apart. When we need more support from the other, we ask. But neither one of us would expect to change the other or expect the other person to change for us. What we have learned to do is accept all of each other and when something is hard for one of us, especially if the other one is causing it, we tell each other. We both realize we are not perfect and try to be better, but for ourselves.

Marriage is supposed to make you a better person. You learn from each other. It can only happen though if each person is open to changing themselves. I've learned alot from my husband and he's learned from me. I believe if two different people come together and recognize no two person is alike, it can work when the one isn't actively trying to change the other into themselves. It has to happen naturally even thru the struggles. That's how we learn and become better.

I hope we all work towards becoming better people, whether married or not.

If married, I would hope one couldn't help but learn from one's spouse, and vice versa.

I've learned how to be content from my husband. My husband's learned how to make decisions better and more quickly.