Asking Too Much?

One idea is to sit down together and divide the responsibilities of the household so he can take on certain tasks permanently not just once in a while. By deciding in advance you won't have to have the "I'm more tired than you are" arguments, nobody ever wins those. If he can't commit to something everyday maybe he can take on tasks with a more flexible schedule. For example laundry can be a small job everyday or a big job once a week. If he is too tired tonight he can do it tomorrow, and if youbknow he has taken responsibility then you don't have to continually ask or be sen as nagging. Good luck.

wow! i don't see how you could do all this being a SAHM. I don't know how you can work too. You are a superwoman and I mean that.

I know this might not be what you want to hear, but honestly my 1st thought after reading your post was take your kids out of some of their activities! Maybe take out the taekwando? I don't know how you do it. I'd have to cut something. I do agree, when your husband is home he needs to help 50/50. Period. So what he works 2 hours each way. You are also VERY busy. It evens out in my opinion!

I just read your "what happened" and I'm sorry but just because the kids "don't want to"... It's not up to them. If you want more peace and more time you need to decide what they drop (even if it is temporary)

My husband actually did work 2 hours away for 2 years. We were very lucky that we had close friends who lived near his workplace, who allowed him to stay over twice a week so he only had to drive home twice a week. It was a rough 2 years. I was working full time with 3 kids and we were showing our home several times a week so I had to keep it spic and span all the time. I only got through it by knowing it was temporary, until we sold our home. However, I drove that 2 hour drive a few times and IT WAS AWFUL! There were a few times I was jealous of my hubby since I did have so much on my plate, but once I drove that 2 hour drive, I was pretty grateful I did not have to do that on a regular basis!
If I were in your shoes, I think the only way I could stick with this situation is if I knew it were only temporary. Can you sit down with your husband and come up with a game plan? Can he start looking for a new job closer to home? Can you reduce the kid's activities for the next year or so until he has a job closer to home? Can you hire a helper to assist with cleaning and cooking until then?
One of the things that really helped the most was that my husband told me very often how much he admired all I was doing. That kept me going. I really think it will help if you and your husband can thank each other, and often. He is driving 4 hours a day and has hardly any time at home. It sounds like he doesn't get to see the kids much. I know that was really hard for my hubby and he actually was jealous of me getting to be with them all the time.
Good luck, I know it is hard!
**PS I DO NOT think his driving 4 hours a day is a valid excuse for not helping around the house. You both are very busy. You both need some wind-down time, for sure. Please talk with him and come up with a plan that will work for both of you!

I don't see how the 2 of you can continue long-term with a schedule like that. If that's all I had to look forward to, I'd crawl into bed and refuse to get up. Maybe it's time for some brainstorming. Can your DH work 4- 10 hour days instead of 5 days a week? Would changing his arrival time at work help him to avoid the worst of the traffic and shorten his commute time? Does your DH love his new job enough that you'd be willing to relocate, if not right away, perhaps in a year or two so you can plan ahead and know that your current situation is only for a limited time?

Something's gotta give. If it were me and I couldn't change my work and activity schedule, I'd look into hiring someone to help me clean house or drive my kids to some activities, buy take out and let the floors go unswept. Either that or I'd just go ahead and check myself into the funny farm now, because that's where I'd end up eventually anyway.

just drop the activities...you are the parent, yes they will be upset but if things are to hectic for you then they need to not have so many activities...if you are super stressed and upset that affects them as well and can make them stressed also. if all of the activities and daily to-do's are too much then something has to give...

What time does your husband get home? If he is working full time then he works until 5 plus 2 hrs drive back that's 7 pm. By then most of the activities are finished.
anyway, you might consider dropping some of the after school activities because you have too much on your plate. Or hire somebody to help you out, and do some of the driving around.

Isn't there a job he can get closer to home? Even if he makes less, what is gas costing w/ 4 hrs. of driving 5 days a week? Also the milage and wear and tear he's putting on the car. AND the 20 hours more each week that he could be spending w/ his family. I know it's a tough economy, but it's worth at least putting serious, continued effort into trying.

If they don't LOVE tae kwon do, at least drop that. I know you said it's a safety thing, but I think it can lead to a false sense of security. A 4 yo can be overpowered by an adult whether he/she knows martial arts or not. The important thing safety-wise is teaching kids to recognize potentially dangerous situations and stranger danger, like in The Safe Side DVD:

http://kidstvmovies.about.com/od/thesafeside/fr/strangers...

If you figure out how to get your husband to help more, let me know- I haven't quite figured that out either :)

I don't mean to sound harsh- and please don't take this the wrong way... but you said you feel your husband did this to himself. I think, to some degree, you're at fault for your crazy schedule. I agree with all the moms that are saying you're over-scheduled. Kids don't need lots of extracurricular activities to be happy. Sorry :( Hope it gets better.

I would drop an activity. Sometimes kids just have to something that they don't want to do. I would start with tae kwon do since that is two evenings a week. Besides, tkd doesn't do much as far as teaching them self defense, it's more of a discipline and respect thing which is something that you can teach then yourselves. Also, by eliminating an activity you are teaching them that sometimes in life we don't always get to do what we want to do.

I'd consider dropping some of the extracurricular activities and having someone come in to clean the house every 1 to 2 weeks. Save the rest of the housecleaning and laundry for the weekend. Get some take-out once in a while. The kids probably don't need baths every night. Give hubby a list of things you could use some help with and let him decide which one he is going to do. Maybe hubby can start looking for a job closer to home. At some point, something's gotta give and it might help to realize that you can't do it all, you can't have it all, and nothing has to be perfect.

I hear you!! My husband doesn't drive at all. He has a visual problem and he cannot. When I was working I actually had to leave work to take my husband to the doctors once -- explain that at the water cooler, and watch the looks on the single people's faces. :-)

I completely understand the "not wanting to drop anything" because you can do it, and you love them and want to make them happy. Obviously you can do it, you are doing it.

The problem is that your husband doesn't really understand your postion, and you don't understand his. 4 hours in the car, is a lot -- however, 4 hours on I-70 in the middle of Kansas, is nothing to 4 hours on I-95 between Baltimore and DC.

I think you really only have two choices -- accept things the way they are for now; or a different organizational system. Husband could make lunches for you and the kids the night before? He could possibly pack "dinners" for the boys on football night and your daughter on dance night. [I love my crock pot!! Throw it on in the morning and it is there when I get home -- nothing is easier. ]

I find when my husband is away I can do everything, but on my schedule -- the dogs get fed after the kids are in bed. The kids go to their rooms right after dinner, because I want the house to my self. Since my husband bascially walks in the door for dinner or after dinner, he likes to spend time with the kids and put them to bed, which is great, but then everything ends up later. He also thinks the dogs have to be fed right after we eat, so we end up trying to feed the dogs, clean the kitchen, spend time with the kids, prepare for tomorrow, and get ready for bed all at the same time, in a very disorganized fashion. He and I don't run things the same way, and we have never really talked about it since our second child came along, we just fake it. I plan can help! It might be worth a try --- not a "I want you to understand how I feel" but a "what needs done and how can we best do it together as a team." Does that make sense?

sounds like something has to give or you and hubby are going to exhaust yourselves and end up in conflict. If it's not the kids' schedules, can it be that you do takeout a few times a week and leave some of the laundry and floor sweeping for the weekend? Can you switch up activities and not do all of them all the time? Not everyone is put together the same way. You may be a person who can keep going and your husband may not be. You may not have to keep up to your Mom's standards. Make it work for your family with the people you have in it.

Is there a train he can take to work so he could at least get some extra sleep? could he carpool? With gas approaching $4/gallon-is it really worth it-does the job pay his mileage? He's probably spending $50/day on gas.That's $1000/month-There must be another way. At one point-with five children in four schools and activities, and such-I hired a driver for one of the children who attended school the farthest away.

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Wow is all I can say. You are a busy mom, and I tip my hat off to you. I don't have school age kids yet, my little one is only 11 months but I can understand how busy it can get. My husband works full-time as well and I have been fortunate enough to stay at home with the baby while I get my MSW, and yes it gets tiresome. All I can really say to you is this would be a prime time for you and your husband to sit down and talk. Put the kids to bed, grab a glass of wine for the both of you and just be honest. There were times when I told my husband I need a little help. You have to be very concrete about the type of help that you need (Men need explicit examples). He may not know. Marriage is a partnership especially when it comes to having kids. Let him know, parent burnout is real. I hope I helped.

YES you are asking too much.
of your kids, of your self. What do other moms do? We often decide small children should have plenty of "down time" to daydream, to reflect, to create their own fun. that our precious time with our children should NOT be stressful, before you know if they will be driving themselves places, take time to enjoy these years. Dont hurry and rush right through them.
I'm not sure you can change your husband's schedule. Can you cut back on your work? can you hire help for cleaning Even every other week helps A LOT. Or can you change your kids schedule? take aq minute to read this
http://www.momsteam.com/successful-parenting/survival-ski...

Wow. All I can say is that 4 hours a day alone in the car sounds like heaven! I just have to remind my husband that we both decided to have kids and I can't do it all alone. This definitely works best when said during down time (which I'm not sure you have) and in a non-confrontational way. I also will give my husband tasks to do because sometimes he just doesn't think about it.... like sweeping the floor. While it's terribly annoying to have to ask a grown man to help, sometimes they just don't get it. Also, maybe show him this post so that he can see how much you really do in one day, which is insane by the way! Good luck!

Sometimes life gets to the stress point and things implode and that is where your headed. Of course the kids don't want to give up any activities. At the ages of 4 and 5 you have your kids way overscheduled. All of those things are fun. But all of them can be moved to weekend things. drop the football till they are older and get the dance class and the karate things all into weekend classes. at their ages you have a lifetime to fit them in. Things will smooth out but your overdoing it. let them be kids and just play normal stuff now. if you have them this overworked this early when they hit highschool your going to be that family who has the meltdowns in the parking lot. you know the family its the one where the kid is throwing the hockeystick while the mom screams at the daughter to hurry up we need to get to ......... its no fun for anyone if everyone is stressed. It is completely acceptable to ask hubby to help with some stuff but if the reason its a problem is because a 4 year old refuses (really at 4) to give up an activity that can be resceduled thats just a fight that doesn't need to happen.

Even though your husband is driving 4 hours a day, he is just driving! He is sitting in a comfortable car with heat or A/C, listening to his favorite music or talk show, relaxing on the road. Your schedule is much worse - you win! I assume your husband looks for local jobs every night? If not, he needs to! Other option (and is probably the best option) - move close to his job. I don't know how much longer both of you (especially you) can go on like this. Best wishes!

You're kids are going to have to go without activities, or at the very least, only 1 a piece & preferable the one they all do together i.e. tae kwon do. They're very young to have so much going on in the first place, but more importantly, it just doesn't make sense for your family as a whole right now. Disappointment is a part of life for everyone, and so is compromise. I would love to give my kids the moon and stars, but it's just not possible for us. Even if it was though, I wouldn't do it because it wouldn't be in their best interests or the interests of our family.

Yikes!
Mom, you need a break. My vote also goes to drop one activity for your kids, at least for a while. I also agree that your husband drives 2 hours in his way back home, but is not like you are sitting doing nothing. To me those 2 hours could be his brake, listen music, or just have 2 hours with silence and his thoughts.
I think 2 hours of doing nothing is good enough rest and he needs to help to.

I'd go batty if I was in your shoes. I agree with Suz T. -- something has gotta give.
Be it the activities, the # of times each activity is per week, you switching to PT or WFM or him getting a closer job.
I wouldn't do what you are doing. No way.
I work PT, have 1 kid and a husband who works FT as well as travels & we are MAXED out with O. child and 1 or 2 activities.

I totally understand! We have only one child in only one activity and I feel stretched as thin as I can go. My husband commutes about an hour and a half each way, and I get the same thing from him. However, a while back we did sit down and talk about the issue. I explained what I needed from him - help with bath and bed mainly. After we talked he has been much better about helping in the evenings and we haven't had to cut out any activities.

yes you are asking too much. so is he. something's got to give. rather than pulling together, you're both pulling apart and looking for things to 'win' over. my dh drives 4-6 hours every day for his hideous, brutal DC metro area commute. i really try to do what i can to compensate for that. but when i was working full-time too as well as homeschooling, that meant i ran with my tail straight out just about every day so he had to pick up the slack around the house. we worked it out by being very appreciative of what the other was doing, NOT tearing the other down, and by having to limit some of the kids' activities.
something's got to give. as the parents, with the vision, foresight and experience to make the best decisions about it, it's up to you and your dh to work together to figure out what will go. the kids can and should have input but not the final say.
khairete
S.

for me it might take my husband a day or so, he kinda runs it by his buddy's at work first but he will verbally acknowledge it isn't easy for me either. I think that is what your looking for. There are times I have to just tell him out right what I want to hear from him. Just ask him before bed to at least say it out loud...

Then you open the door for him to try and take a day off at some point just to be there to drive kids around.

Also having a backup plan helps - maybe talk to the daycare and see if they could deliver your youngest to you once in a while. A lot of places will do that (something good to have available when you simply just can't get there) or another TKD parent who happens to be driving by could help you out once a month type of thing.